Why? Why?? WHY???

Do you ever wonder why things happen in a certain way at a certain time? Is the universe trying to tell you something? Is it trying to prepare you for something?

Well, here I am in the throes of planning my permanent departure from this city to a place I intend to stay forever, and suddenly the dam breaks and opportunities suddently rear their glorious heads.

I've been offerd an adjunct teaching job, which I've been seeking for over four years, and last month I was asked to develop a staged reading of a book for the youth services department at the library where I work. In a meeting today I find out it's possible that this could become my job here at this particular organization should I choose to develop it.

DAMN IT!!!

Now I have to make decisions. I hate decisions. It's so much easier to let the universe dictate your actions and live accordingly. It's less predictable and certainly less secure, but it takes all the guesswork out of it if you're just reacting to circumstances. That appears not to be an option I can exercise at this point in my life. I hate that. I'm being ironical of course, I love the possibilities that are presenting themselves and I love the idea that I have options and can choose what I want to do and how to make it happen. I feel very fortunate.

I do however still want to move to Santa Fe and get started there, but of course that little voice says to me, "What if this new stuff is all about developing possibilities that you can then use to your advantage to sell yourself to Santa Fe? What if this is going to lead you to a place where you actually can live in Santa Fe, AND teach part of the year in South America like you want to? What if this is a path you've been trying to open up for a long time and paying it it's proper due is going to pay off for you in the long run? What if you wind up staying here and developing a successful program that includes education, theatre, teaching, and some of the other things that you're passionate about?" I wish that little voice would shut the hell up.

See, I was all prepared to blog about the Prime Minister of Cambodia and what a fool he is for cutting off his adopted lesbian daughter,(hmm sounds familiar)and then saying that homosexuals can't help it if they're born that way. I suddenly felt as if I had a disability. Does this mean I can park near the door now? Idiot.

Is the concept of unconditional love impossible to grasp? Can someone not just love their child and accept who they are? Do they have do demonstrate their displeasure by withholding material goods from that child? Is that what they're all about? I'm sure this woman talked to her father in people, and he talked back in material goods, I can guarantee it. People like him are universally hung up about stuff,not people, stuff, believe me I know firsthand.

I truly wanted to rave about this moron, but now I have to be neurotic about all this other stuff. What to do, what to do.

I think I can do both.

puzzled, rested, yet puzzled

I have returned to work from vacation and it took most of today to even begin catching up. My boss had told me she'd cover things while I was gone, and apparently in her language that means she'll leave it for me when I return. So blogging has taken a backseat for the day...so far.

I am however, perplexed by the notion that telling young saggers that "to sag is to be a fag" (which is basically what they're apparenty being told in Dallas), will get them to pull up their pants. One may want to sag but never to be a fag is the message. Nice. Tell more people that we're heinous just to solidify that idea in their minds so we perpetuate the ignorance that this country thrives on. Good Idea, and it came from Texas imagine that.

I'm now looking at Argentina, what the hell, we're headed for isolation or concentration camps anyway so I may as well try a new country. I saw a job at the Universidad de Argentina the other day. I may just apply see what happens.

Oh and the Catholics (Grrr!) in Iowa, (ahem) are calling for a same-sex marriage ban. Now, what if we proposed a constitutional amendment that Catholics, actually being Vaticanites, and therefore not actually citizens of The United States, were to register as aliens with the INS, which, of course, would immediately limit their rights to vote, since they're not technically citizens? Hmmm? I wonder how loud the hue and cry would be then?

The good Catholics, never my favorite people, at the parish where I went to grade school recently terminated the employment of their Church Music director because he came out as gay. These particular parshoners are assholes, as were their ancestors and it just goes on and on in the same swirling gene pool.

Now, I ask you, has there EVER been a male music director at a Catholic Church who WASN'T gay? I suppose it's possible but in my experience...no. And I went to Catholic High school and College as well, so my experience isn't limited.

I wake up in this country every single day of my life feeling so welcome I can hardly contain the love and positive energy I feel from the populace.

I've done everything I'm doing for today. Go save the world on your own, I'm tired, and to quote the Countess de Lave, "Fetch me a bromide...and put some gin in it."


Love

just a bit more

Nicholas Gonzales. Happy Friday!

Well, vacation will be officially over today. It was fun, and next month we start the holiday season in which I get to have a lot of time to myself, yahoo!

Oh I wanted to comment a little more on my Colin Farrell post yesterday. Actually I wanted to beat up on him some more. "A Home At The End of the World" now there's Colin's early career nod to gaydom. It's sort of gay in that his character, in youth, got caught getting a hand job from his best friend. Yawn! Of course this movie is alright because the gay character ends up dead at the end. Well not dead, but well on the way. It's the American way of film and theatre. Gay people only wind up crazy or dead. Unless you count "The Talented Mr. Ripley" in which you get both. It's so exciting.

I wonder if you can wind up dead because you're gay and surrounded by crazy people? Well, I'll never know from personal experience. I banished the crazies long ago and lest I turn to a pillar of salt I shant look back.


The new heater arrived yesterday for the studio, so I'm off to get that setup and spend the rest of the day throwing. I feel like Will Truman when it comes to pottery I keep talking about it, yet there's no evidence I actually do it. So to send you on the merry weekend way here's a picture from my portfolio.

Love

fucking colin farrell

Which is not to say I'd like to fuck Colin Farrell. In fact the opposite is true. I was just forced to lay here with this miserable cold I apparently contracted while riding my bike in the chill the other day, and watch Alexander. What a piece of shit.

Has this guy EVER been in a watchable movie? S.W.A.T.? Miami Vice? oh, wait, I know! That tribute to overacting....."Ask the Dust" which surprisingly was worse than Alexander.

How does this guy keep working? I am still looking for a movie with him in it to be worth my time. It amazes me.

Well I hope this cold starts to get better quick because we still have some finish work to do on the christmas in october house this weekend and I promised I'd be there.

Also I apparently have been offered a job to teach an intro class this spring, so woohoo! Teaching experience. Sorry for the lack of enthusiasm, but it's hard to get interested in much today.

I was listening to some guy this morning on Democracy Now who apparently volunteers to travel the world and do humanitarian work. I felt like a selfish slug. But I think that's what the item was meant to do.

Well it's obviously nap time.

To borrow a phrase, "Come stick pins tomorrow dear, I'll be more responsive."

the prodigal returneth

I love vacation. I think one should be able to vacate at will. Life would be so much better.

I went to Des Moines for a horsemanship clinic with Clinton Anderson, who could do a lot fewer gay jokes in my estimation, but nonetheless is still pretty fucking good with a horse. He did say that he tries to get women to be less passive and men to be less aggressive and since that is his criteria in working with horses that gay men should be the best horse trainers in the world. Have to agree with you on that one aussieboy.

Met some very nice people at the clinic who invited me to ride with them Sunday. So we all skipped out on Anderson and went to their place and rode for hours, it was incredible. They insisted I stay the night and put me up in this trailer on their farm. It was great because I snore so loudly I was horrified at the idea they'd make me sleep in their house. So the trailer was a great relief.

On Saturday night I went to a restaurant and since it was so crowded I sat at the bar to eat, where I met two women who were fun to talk to. Well, one of them was fun to talk to. The other was, hmmm, shall we say, self-absorbed. She need me to know that she'd owned the florist in Des Moines that was the one chosen to provide the flowers for Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood in Bridges of Madison county, which I totally doubt since almost everyone I met during that time frame claimed to be some sort of extraneous staff to that film.. If it's all true they'd never have gotten the damn thing in on budget. Anyway, she also had to tell me she'd started college at 16, like I needed to know. The thing that puzzled me was, if she finished high school early what took four years to finish college? I would think if you could do one in three years you could do the other in the same time frame. I didn't believe that one either. Then she told me she was writing a book and since I was a librarian, (I have discovered that if you work at a library you're a librarian, even if you're not.) that she needed to pick my brain about poisons, since she was killing alot of people in the book she was writing. Another puzzling thing was that she was supposed to be so smart and so bookie, but she didn't know that deadly nightshade is belladona. Now, I'm no expert on poisons, and it's a good thing since I'd have probably done in a couple of people over the years if I'd known anything, but even I know where belladona comes from. This was about when she told me I was the most interesting person she'd met in a long time. This is when the alarm bells finally went off.

1.) This woman hasn't a clue who she is talking to. She thinks if she keeps this up she's gonna get some. Um HELLO!!

2.) How sad is it that I am the most interesting person she's met in a long time. Would that I were as captivating as all that. Alas, folks I got a mirror and I hear what I say when I talk. I'm not THAT interesting. And telling me isn't the way to whatever she was trying to get anyway. Poor thing.

The other woman was much more fun. She nailed old miss self absorbed over and over and shortly after figuring out I was gay and neither of them had a shot at me, she took her leave. Too bad too, she was much more fun to talk to.

But I dealt with old self absorbed for a while longer, had my desert and coffee and hit the road for the HORRIBLE motel I was staying in. The motel at which they couldn't find my reservation, then tried to give me a room anyway, for which they were going to charge me and I refused to take it since I knew I'd be charged for the res I'd already made and then I'd have to fight with them about two charges. The motel in which the high class clientele stood in the hall and talked at the top of their lungs at 2:45 AM. I was not enchanted. The motel in which someone never met a door they wouldn't slam at 6am. I cannot wait until I get the survey for THAT stay. I'm oh so looking forward to filling that out. Thankfully the horse people saved me from that flophouse.

Monday I woke early, since these people were incredibly early risers, and I mean early, these folks were up and about at 4:15 am. I didn't mind though I was able to partake of their huge breakfast and thank them profusely and hit the road for Chicago and my date with the windy city. I really had fun there. (they still drink bad coffee in the country though. ick!)

After passing on what appeared to be a very kind offer on the part of a cowboy at the clinic, and I mean VERY kind, and also passing on the flat out offer I got from my waiter Sunday morning I was very gratified to arrive in Chicago to my usual reception. Why I am a hit in that town I'll never understand, but every single time I get to the city limits I'm getting hit on. Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you. So Chicago turned out to be rife with opportunity and I felt VERY welcome as always, thank you.

I spent Monday afternoon wandering all over the Art Institute and as always it was wonderful. Love that place. Then I looked for a motel. OH MY GOD!!! I stayed at a Super 8 in Schaumburg and it was STILL almost $200 a night. For that kind of money I expect someone IN the bed when I arrive. Foolishly, I had entertained the notion that since it was just one night and I deserved a treat I'd stay at the Drake. Yeah, right. Try $427 a night. After I refused treatment from the paramedics I headed for the suburbs.

I arrived home today refreshed and ready for the rest of my week off. I shall ride, make pots, and read a lot. I have all kinds of ideas for posts here. I hope I remember them all.

One thing I do remember is that I prefer the term poof to fag. No one called me any names on the trip I was just thinking one day...



I love the term poof

why did we start letting people call us fags and not poofs. Shit call me a big ole poof anyday.

it's so civilized,

Oooooh! That's why it didn't stick here, it's civilized and this is America. Where we have a Cro-magnon for President.

Why would poof stick in our slang.

Well Maybe Hilary can send Barack out as part of his VP duties to start calling us poofs again. That's a very fun image. A big jug eared black man calling gay men poofs. The secret service would be sooo busy keeping that guy from getting his ass kicked, yes, yes.


Love

The rules at Positronics

I"M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

But first, something for your prurient interests.















I just love Tim Daly, always have. Be thankful I didn't include the butt shot. This movie was singularly horrible. Well, no, according to Richard Rothstein over at queersighted.com there is a movie more horrible than Dr. Jekyll/Ms. Hyde, and it's called Coffee Date.

He says it's a gay romantic comedy,(kill me now)that shows that we gays( gay, by the way, is NOT a noun!) deal with the daily frustrations of life just as everyone does and that we're all people. Logo TV apparently produced this thing. I think gay TV is a great idea. But so far it's much like Will Truman, it only talks about being gay-

If this is kind of movie is the example, I take back everything I said yesterday.

Now back to the rant.

Blogger is managing to piss me off this morning, I hit preview, it posts. Ah technology.

Speaking of technology, the robots at at&t/cingular/at&t, managed to take my phone payment out last month...TWICE!

Of course, here we are a month later and I now owe them for another month and they simply can't understand why I refuse to give them anymore money until they find the money THEY ALREADY HAVE.

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.


I think they forgot to put the rules in the positrons at at&t.

The story today is that they mailed a check on the 3rd.

A check??? Who the hell deals with checks anymore? They could take the money electronically, but they have to give it back by corking up a bottle and floating it down the river to me. "You should have it today or tomorrow."

Apparently they do have rule 3.

I feel like Michael Douglas in The Game.

There are piles of stuff in this office to be done before I go on vacation at 4:30, and I am blogging. Fuck it.

Many hours later-

Ok, well I just looked at my own blog and realized I got all caught up in getting things ACCOMPLISHED before going on vacation, and I neglected to post. WHAT could I have been thinking? I'll post now.

I'm vacating for the next week. You may hear from me daily, hourly, or not at all. We'll see.

Love

Log Cabins in the misogynistic woods

First a little business.

The geezers in the previous post, I am told by my friend Kenne in Hawaii, are from the Log Cabin Republican website. He thought I'd hate this, and though I suppose that's a realistic assumption knowing me and my "love" of all things republican, I didn't actually hate it. I went to the Log Cabin website and looked around. I felt I owed them that much since they're fighting the good fight from their own perspective, and since I know so little about it I shouldn't start in on them until I do. Though I agree with very little of the notion that one can be gay and republican in this political atmosphere I realize that most gay republicans hold to the original ideals and intentions of their party and are fighting for those ideals not the ones represented in the current administration.

But remember this folks, Lincoln is long dead, and the things your party teaches are not the same anymore. I know too that the Kennedy's, and Roosevelt, and Truman are dead, and that the things the Democrats once stood for are fast disappearing as well in the sea of apathy that is congress today. So perhaps we need an overhaul. Maybe it's time for those who still hold to the ideals that, all "men" are created equal start new parties that actually do reflect what we believe, and what we know we can accomplish. We've had new parties before and the country didn't crumble, so don't fear that I'm preaching anarchy. Who the hell has the energy for that anymore? But we can make changes,and we can make a difference,we just gotta wanna.

That having been said it's a great way to segue into my post today.

I just read a post that was talking about dealing with misogyny in America. How does that work? How do you eliminate something that is so ingrained in a culture that even those being denigrated find the subject amusing?

A couple of years ago I took a conversational Spanish class, and one of the ways the instructor broke the ice with the class was to make jokes. Most of those jokes were not about women, but about how funny it is for someone to act or be like a woman. The class was mostly women, and even the women laughed. One evening we were having a discussion about those kinds of things and I brought it up. One of the women was incensed. "You never heard me laugh at a joke like that!" She was getting agitated. I said, "Sorry, but you did." All this guys jokes had to do with women, men acting like women, how funny it was that being feminine meant being something less than, and those women laughed.

Because that is what we're taught to do.

Milton Berle built a career off the notion that a man dressing as a woman is laughable. Even the women laughed.

Let's not see a woman dressed as a man! That's immediately suspect. Why would she want to impersonate a man? Does that threaten us somehow? Does the thought of a woman posing as a man instill fear in us? Does it upset the balance of our universe?

For that matter, does an effeminate man,i.e. a man who would be with another man intimately pose some sort of threat that makes them laugh nervously? I've always noticed that the best defense men have against gay men is that we're less than because we're attracted to men. Because we'd "subjugate" ourselves to a man sexually. This makes a person less than somehow. They wink and they nod to each other as though there is some inside joke only shared by straight men about us. Like they have some secret knowledge we cannot possess because we're less than them.

I have some friends whom I love dearly. They have two children, and once, perhaps twice, I really don't remember, I sat with their children while they went out for the evening. I'm not much of a sitter, because frankly, I'm not much for kids, and everyone knows this. But for these people, who've been such good friends for almost two decades, I did it.

One of the first things that happened was that the youngest child climbed up on the couch with me and snuggled next to me and nodded off to sleep. Well, let's say I was shocked. I laid there wondering where this child could have gotten the impression that THIS was something he should feel free to do with ME. My first instinct was to put him down, or to get up myself. But I feared this would give him the idea that I didn't care for him, which is not true, I love those boys as if they were my own, so there I stayed. Frozen with some foolish adult notion that this was wrong and shouldn't be happening, and somehow ignoring the fact that this child was just being close to someone he trusted and loved.

But looking back I have to wonder if there wasn't another reason I stayed on that couch. I was acutely aware at that moment that the child's father was standing just behind me in the other room watching this little moment, and I also knew he was troubled by it.

Now, these are people who love me...But!

They're troubled by my being physically close to their child. Being the defiant S.O.B. I am I stood my ground waiting for Dad to come put a stop to this, but he didn't. I suppose that's to his credit, yet, to this day I am still troubled by it.

It made me know I am less than in the eyes of people whose opinion I value, it reminded me that this lack of regard for someone "feminine" is so ingrained in our culture that even someone you love and care about is suspect at times.

If we're ever going to progress as a society, as a culture of people who learn that the color of your skin, the shape of your anatomy, the desires in your heart make no difference in the person you are, we have to start with the notion that no one is laughable because of who they are.

If anyone, is regarded as less than, we are in jeopardy. We are not living those things we supposedly hold so dear in this christian society that, and trust me, I'll be paraphrasing here because I'm attempting to quote the bible and I am no scholar on that subject, "Whatever you did for the lesser of my brothers you did for me." Well, if you hold women, homosexuals, and people of color to be less than you, why would you not behave as though that bible quote wasn't impetus to improve those relationships, and bring you nearer to that God you use to beat everyone up with so regularly?

Maybe then the laughter would stop and we'd start to deal with each other seriously as though we all matter.

As we grow older we simply become more of who we are. Those who are concerned about their macho image become bigger blowhards, those who are obsessive complusive get really ramped up, those of us who prefer isolation withdraw even more, the narcissistic get closer to their mirrors, and those who believe that there are people in this world who are less than they are get really wrapped up in their superiority.

That child knew who loved him and cared about him and whom he trusted. The adults paid no attention to his wisdom, as usual. Perhaps if we did we'd see that none of us are laughable, because of our differences. That those differences are the most important things about us.

Let's conduct an experiment. Just try to make note of how many times in the next seven days you make a judgement, a joke, a snide remark, even to yourself, based on the knowledge or the assumption that someone is less than because they're feminine, or homosexual, or have different color skin than you do. Don't tell me the results I don't want to know. But let's see if it makes you aware of the problem.

Then perhaps I won't be able to note that even the women laughed.

Even the women laughed.

I did it!

I don't know who these geezers are but it's nice to see them together, and it's nice to see two men embracing. We should all embrace more.

Well, the title of this entry just turned out to be true. I did do it. I posted before I blogged. No clue how that happened, but I hope it's not indicative of the rest of the day. I've got too much on my plate to have that going on.

But what I was referring to initially was that I came out to someone yesterday. I decided a few months ago that I wanted to pay off my credit card. I don't owe that much but it's a nuisance to pay on it every month. So I looked around and found a job as a cashier at a grocery. I figure it's a job I won't have any compunction about quitting when the time comes.

But last night I was talking with this woman I work with, and through a series of conversational faux pas she managed to give me the perfect opportunity to come out to her. I did, she didn't know what to say. I thanked her for fulfilling my duty to the day, and that as far as I am concerned was that.

I was honestly surprised that at my advanced age I had to come out to anyone, but it apparently is still necessary and I was happy about it.

You Should Be With an Earth Sign!

Your best match is a Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn Why? You like your guys to pamper, wine, and dine you Not that you're a gold digger, you just like the finer things An Earth Sign will go all out to woo you - and enjoy doing it And you'll never find a more trustworthy or loyal match!

What Sign Guy Should You Date?

I just learned that a kid named Anthony Fortunato was convicted of manslaughter and hate crimes for luring a guy to his motel room and trying to rob him. This particular guy fought back got shoved into traffic and run over. He was removed from life support several days later and died.

Apparently the jury had trouble with the hate crimes issue. Figures. But my favorite quote was that "No one thought he (Fortunato) was a bad kid." Huh????

Oh yeah he was a saint! He lures guys to his motel room to rob them because they're easy targets cause they're fags, one of those guys gets killed and Fortunato tries to claim he wasn't committing a hate crime cause he's gay himself, which his friends all completely disprove. What a guy. This is proof positive that people simply do not think. I am not sure if it's because they don't want to, or if they're incapable of coherency, but it mystifies me.

Al Gore won the Nobel Prize this morning, very well deserved. Too bad no one is listening to him either. A woman I work with is still convinced he's going to step into the Presidential race now. She's nice, but delusional. I think Al is done with politics. And now he certainly doesn't need the money.

I have the Christmas in October house volunteer thing tomorrow, and after that I'm going out with my brother to play for a while. After that I'll probably sit at home and try to catch up on reading. I'm still woefully behind. The last two evenings I've only gotten like 20 pages read. I have to move a little faster than that. (addendum) I was just across the street getting a shot in the dark to help me stay awake while restoring the disaster my boss inflicted on us all yesterday when she tried to copy a program to the test server and accidentally put it in the production server instead. Everything I've done all week is gone. I either have to recreate it or do it over again from scratch, and everyone is in the same boat. She is not popular at the moment. In fact she just ducked when passing my office. Smart, since heavy objects could come hurling out my door at any moment. But the point of this addendum is that some woman comes in the coffee shop wihle I was there and says she's going to come back later for the artwalk. This rang a bell and I wasn't quite sure why. Right up until I realized I was IN the Artwalk and had not brought any wares. So I have to go immediately home after work, get my pots and get back there for the show. God I hate senility.

I'm wondering if the closet case safari is on this weekend. If it is I think I'll watch it. Apparently Jeff Corwin and Anderson Cooper went on safari together. And now it's going to be televised. Ahem.

Damn these responsibilities

Here's an angel for you!



OK, for my third post today.(the critical software at work has crashed so I'm free for a while at least) I have neglected to make mention of national coming out day! My bad!

I guess.

Who in the hell am I going to come out to? I haven't done this in years, since it wasn't necessary. But I guess I'll find someone. Maybe there'll be some cute guy at the grocery I can torment this evening. Now THAT would be fun. But I just have to ask. Now, how many Presidential candidates acknowledged National Coming out day today??? Hmm??? How many? That's what I thought.

I also have to mention a blog I just looked at from a guy in the south. I won't mention the blog or his name cause I have no wish to get in a blog bitch fight with some stranger and I mean no insult when I say this, but, he's thanking a friend of his who is straight for being so cool to him all these years.

Now, I get that. I have straight friends who are cool with my sexuality, and who've been supportive over the centuries, however, why should it be a big deal that they do this? Am I bad? I don't intend to be mean and I certainly don't mean to denigrate his relationship with some guy I know nothing about. I'm also certain he and I are not the only guys out there with a straight guy friend to thank for the same thing, but come on.

Isn't this exactly what I've been talking about?

Isn't it high time that we were measured not for what we are, but what we do, and who we are inside? Sorry, didn't mean to quote Batman Begins, it just happened.

This is the point of all this stuff I'm talking about. We are people! We are all people. We shouldn't be judging each other by our acts, by our innate attractions, by our private lives, because they are in fact our private lives, but for who we are, the things we do, what lives in our hearts.

I know I had to get older for all this to become clear in my mind and probably everyone else does too. But it sure makes me sad to see, in this age, someone thanking a straight guy for being cool with his sexuality.

Oh by the way I'm gay. Seriously gay! Marching in the streets with a big old placard in front of the White House with my fist in the air, proud fag gay.

IS THAT COMING OUT ENOUGH FOR YOU???

I'm going to lunch

damn

And another thing!

I love Rob Brezny-

I hope he's younger than me so I can count on him doing my horoscope for the rest of my days.

"...What about you, Gemini? What could we conclude about the nature of your mission here on the planet if we took an inventory of what you create? What are the experiences, products, artifacts, words, feelings, and impressions that you regularly spawn, and what do they say about you? It's an excellent time to meditate on this subject."

It's hard work being good every day. And we all fail more often than not, but like life, it's that old journey that keeps the interest. Of course, it's even harder to kep this curmudgeonly exterior polished when people keep trying to expose that there's someone nice underneath. Leave it be. It bites.

Sometimes when I contemplate my demise, one day in about a hundred years I hope, I think that often the only reason I stick around is because I want to see how it all comes out.

Sit Down

I mean seriously, you should sit down. If you know me at all you know when I say something like that I mean it, cause I'm about to drop a bombshell.

Actually, I don't know how much of a bombshell it is, but it certainly hit me ilke a ton of bricks.

I got offered a teaching job yesterday.

It's only adjunct, and it's probably only for one semester,and it's not at the college or university of my choice, but it's college teaching experience, and I like the guy who runs the dept, and an old friend works there too and I think he got me the offer. So, yes, they made the tentative offer, and I expressed my interest. The rest we'll see about. I still don't know the secret password so this may still fall apart, but until and unless it does I'm thanking the universe.

He asked what I want to teach and not being a complete fool, close, but not complete, I told him my preferences. Hopefully I won't wind up teaching creative movement or the like. Directing, analysis, crit, history, those I can teach. Musical theatre, I may as well teach mandarin for all I understand about it. I think he knows that already, so...

So there it is. I'm living with butterflies in my stomach at the thought of standing in front of a classroom again. This morning is the first time since I got the offer that I've been able to formulate a coherent sentence so I'd better stop while I'm ahead.

Love

not bleak house

This week's posts are an odd juxtaposition to my mood. They seem a little bleak to me, yet I don't feel bleak in the least. In fact I'm in quite a good mood.

That little preamble was to prepare you for the following.

The christian right is now looking to form a new political party, and one of their dream tickets would be James Dobson and Gen.Peter Pace. Yes! James Dobson of "Focus on the Family" the radio program, the evangelical minister, and Peter "fags are immoral" Pace, late of the congressional hearings where he told it like it isn't. Here we go, more craziness from people who believe that loving someone is wrong, that killing people you disagree with is just fine and that everyone is wrong but them and we all should bow to the almighty white straight christian man who is supposed to rule the world. This encuoraging news comes from Richard Rothstein over at queersighted.com.

YIKES!!!!!

This gives me pause.

Do I abandon my plans to move to a city where I plan to stay the rest of my life put down roots and become part of the community? Do I look for that other country where I could potentiallly live without this kind of oppression? Do I just give up and run for the hills to hide the rest of my days to avoid being the target of this unwarranted hatred? Do I take to the streets and fight them with all my being?

Damnit!!!

It's not that this crap scares me, it kinda does in a way, but there is so very little that I fear anymore...beieve me. It's more that I just don't understand it? Where does this kind of hate come from? Where do the people with this disease inside them breed the germ that keeps it alive? Why do they do it? Do they simply not have enough to think or worry about or concern themselves with so they exercise their right to hate every chance they get? Are they the same people who staunchly opposed civil rights in the 50's and 60's? Are they simply ignorant, or are they smart and devious? These are questions that need answering for me. I want to know who I am dealing with. I'm a gemini, we need this info to process.

And I certainly can't rely on the existing mechanisms like GLAAD, HRC et al, to tell me. They have their heads so far up my ass, and only remove them to put their noses in the trough that I help supply with cash for them to feed on, that they wouldn't know a bigot if one sat on their face.

So here I am wondering if any of it is worth it. What can be done? I realize that a small committed group of people is the only real way to effect change in this world. It's the only thing that has made a difference in the past and likely will be the only thing to do so in the future, but where to start? And do I really have the strength as I age to do such things? This kind of grass roots stuff takes a lot of energy, time, money and commitment. And though I do firmly believe that it is sometimes necessary to give everything for what you believe I have to know that I'm not alone in this quandry. I think that's the real issue here for me. Is the apathy I see so deeply rooted in our society that there is no point in trying to find the fire extinguisher and put out the fires that are burning while Nero fiddles? Or are there others out there who know we're in trouble. That we have to start trying to figure out a way out of all this mess. A way to really create the world in which we should all be able to live in dignity and respect.

I recently watched el diarios de motocicleta on dvd and I think the protrayal of Che Guevara and the director's and screenwriters understanding of who he was and what he really wanted for the people was an honest portrayal of a man's selfless devotion to his fellow man. (of course, the CIA had like one succesful mission down there in the 1960's and it was to kill this guy.)As we all saw in the 1980's there isn't much of a future for communism, thankfully. But the idea that the people are what matters, not power, nor who someone loves, nor land, nor religion, nor oil. The people...

Friends past

I once knew a young man named Chipper Sandin. We were friends for a while in the late 70's and early 80's. He died of AIDS in 1994. I learned of it in 2005. For reasons passing understanding for some, it upset me that I didn't know. I don't know what I'd have done at any rate. My friends were dropping all around me at that time, and I could hardly cope with it all as it was. I probably would have found some more tears, and picked myself up and gone on like I did anyway. There is apparently no cure for survivor's guilt.

But recently I have discovered that the friend who introduced us has misunderstood my relationship with Chipper. This past weekend I participated in a fund raising event for AIDS organizations and I listed Chipper as the person in whose memory I was riding. This prompted my friend Lisa-Lin to tell me her thoughts about Chipper and I.

I felt like sharing some of my response to her with everyone, so...

...there was some bond between Chipper and I that I have a difficult
time explaining to straight people. It's kind of like the friends I
know who've lost a partner to AIDS. They join this secret widow
society that only they understand.

I think we were friends for a while and I think we made an impression on each others lives.

So, insofar as we were gay brothers[if you will]I owe some recognition to his part
in my life. To what his presence did to shape who I am today. Also,I've no idea if anyone acknowledges his existence. Was there anyone significant in his life? I doubt that. He had a tendency to pass through people's lives without letting them take
hold.

Did his family make any recognition of his life? Where's he
buried? Did they just let him stay in DC? Did they have a funeral
for their gay son who died of AIDS? In Hootersville???? See there's a
million questions I think will never be answered. There's an old native american saying, that a thing only lives as long as there's someone alive to remember it.(I'm paraphrasing there but that's the gist of it anyway.)

We all pass that way at some point, but we should live on with those we touched. So in light of that fact, I have to remember that I knew someone once who made a definite impression on me as he passed through. Someone who from time to time deserves my recognition, and appreciation.

He was a confused young boy and he had very little guidance. Someone owes him something. I am willing to assume what little responsibility that entails. So, was I in love with Chipper? No dear, I was not. Did I have a soft spot in my heart for
him? I most certainly did, always will.-

And yes Lisa-Lin you're right, I hope he's still clapping his hands and laughing somewhere too.

Love

Monday and choices

I neglected to post a picture on Friday, which I usually do, so we're going to do a double dose of the lovely and talented Gael Garcia Bernal. Ok make that a triple, he's lovely enough to warrant it. Of course, he's also like 9, how depressing is that?


I have a limited amount of time to accomplish everything I want to today and I have to make choices, which I hate.

I have two hours in which to finish my days work, and then I have to go to my new dentist for the first time, and this morning I was told a complete horror story about him from a co-worker. Her timing was good, and bad as well so I'm in a quandry about that.

Also, I need to ride my bike today. Yes, I am an endorphin junkie yet again and I didn't ride yesterday so I'm having quite the bike jones this morning. So that needs to be inserted into the schedule.

I must finish reading this book I'm supposed to work with the children's department on, and get in touch with the people who could supply me with actors for it.

AND I have pottery class. Which I must attend because I have a show Friday and I need to get a couple more pieces glazed and fired before Friday. Besides I have to work wednesday evening and that means no pottery class. Gotta satisfy that jones too.

So, the dentist thing is the only real option I have to move any appts today. I could move it to next monday and it'd be fine. Also I think it'd be better for my checkbook to wait until then anyway. oh well dirty teeth another week. I doubt I'll perish from it, nor will anyone else for that matter.

Completely uneventful weekend. I did very little except ride my bike, meditation, yoga, and play online play money poker(I'm up a little under $5 mil). I did read a play and part of the Warren Zevon Bio. Oh and I watched "The Shooter," "El diarios de motocicleta," and "Rounders"(again) Made a date with a guy I met who lives in wichita. He's cute, but damn does he have to live THERE!

Del is traversing the rockies today headed for a new adventure in Spokane and I wish him well. I heard from my friend Kathy in MI and Lisa-Lin in Dallas. Also, from Kenne in Hawaii. My old friend Heather is still in Turkey today. Ah world travel, it's on the list. My friend Michele is home in Las Cruces after her excursion with her oldest son to SF to see if he wants to live there and go to school. Of course he does, who wouldn't? Oh and my friend Abby is discovering that elementary school teaching will fry your brain along with the AZ temps. As for my friend CC, well he's busy being him. It's a full time job. Love ya CC.

I told my boss I'll be on vacation the week of the 22nd. I've no idea where I'm going, but a car or a plane is headed out of this town with me inside I can tell you that.

Love

catching up

This week has been no better than last when it comes to interruptions at work. I have a ton of stuff to get done today before 2:30 and then I have to leave to help my nephew setup my brother's new tv for his surprise birthday party tonight. No this schedule is not stopping me from blogging this morning.

I forgot to turn on the dishwasher this morning so I doubt the housekeeper will do it when she gets there, and I didn't bring enough hangers for the shirts I found in the back of the car, which means the people who do my laundry will likely fold them and I hate that. So all in all I've screwed up the finer points of my Friday morning pretty well, and hope that this trend does not continue into the rest of the day nor the weekend. One never knows.

Oh! Flaky emailed me last night. Remember him? The guy I was seeing who "really really wanted to get to know each other" yet never somehow made time to do that.
Yeah him. I haven't decided what to say in response to his glib little missive of last eve. I may just blow it off. Why invest in his BS? I have plenty of that already. He was cute, but he wasn't "all that" as they say.

Gotta cram all outdoor activities into tomorrow, it's supposed to rain sunday, and that's good it'll make me stay inside and get some of those stacks of stuff read that I haven't been getting to.

Next Friday is the Artwalk and though I have plenty of wares, I'm not happy with most of them. I'll put them out, but not with much enthusiasm. The work with the horses at the royal goes on hiatus after tomorrow night. I'll pick it back up the last weekend of the month. Finishing the book I'm working on with the childrens dept here this weekend also. Hopefully I can get a cast together within the next week or two. It's gonna be a thrown together thing at best, but maybe it'll be interesting enough for them to want to continue. It'd be fun to do I think.

I haven't had a chance this morning to check into what horribleness George W. and Co are into this morning. I'm sure it's heinous. But I did see that Larry Craig isn't going anywhere...except to the tea room. Poor old delusional thing. I hope he's around a long time to haunt the party he represents so well.

Somone told me that Brittney Spears (sp? see how much I care!) lost her kids to the hubby. This begs the question "THESE are the choices for those kids????" Seriously. What hope is there for them anyway. Daddy is from Modesto (home of Scott Peterson) or Fresno, or one of those god forsaken central valley burgs, and rode mama's coat tails as far as possible, and momma is still living on the bayou. I also saw a picture of Brad Pitt's ass climbing over a wall. Why do I care about these things?

We're stealing all the natural resources from a country we invaded and then occupied, incidentally while killing like a million of its citizens. We're legalizing discrimination and saying it's ok, and those being discriminated against are saying. "oh well, no biggie." instead of taking to the streets in protest. We're denying that our legislators are blowing black men in the johns of parks, and we're selling, at my grocery store at least, "Organic eggs" in a plastic carton. Well as a diversion from all that good news I certainly need Brad Pitt's saggy 43 year old jelly butt on my work monitor. Am I the only one who doesn't get it?

I got work to do, wake your dumb asses up already.

Confusion abounds

If I had ever been a fan of that dreadful show form the '70's "Welcome Back Kotter" I'd use the catchphrase "I'm so confused." Which I think was Travolta's characters line. At any rate, I am thoroughly confused and simply forced to wait to see what the universe is up to.

Though I am certain there is nefarious skullduggery afoot here in the toxic waste part of KC I cannot determine with any certainty that it exists. In other words,all I got is a feeling. I also should mention that I've been asked to direct readers theatre productions for the children's department, and also be on a radio show on the local NPR station to talk about non-fiction books. See why i'm confused!

I'm told I'm wrong about the skullduggery. This is from someone who I have seen personally navigate the political minefield here, and very successfully I might add. He says no. That even if this person, who is not by nature someone who would set out to cause anyone problems, was of a mind to do this to me, she isn't in a position to do so. She also, according to him, doesn't have the ear of the person I thought she did. Therefore, I am told I'm paranoid for no good reason. This has never been the case in the past, so though I REALLY want to believe him, I don't. I'll accept his comforting for what it is, but the facts are the facts, and I think I'll be proven right. Unfortunately.

Normally if I get my hackles up in a situation like this there is good reason and I am ultimately proven correct. I really want to be wrong, but I don't think I am.

But in defense of the universe, it may have a plan I am blissfully ignorant of because the following is my Rob Brezny horoscope for this week. (I Love Freewill Astrology) I also seldom believe the universe deigns to tell me much of anything before deciding to take me on some new adventure. So I may be off on another sooner than I'd planned. Which is fine, I'm getting all Zen lately anyway.

"In Buddhist legend, the udumbara is a rare flower that blossoms unexpectedly every few millennia. It portends the imminent arrival of a miraculous breakthrough, as it did when it appeared near a lake at the foot of the Himalayas before the birth of Buddha. Many people in Fremont, California believe they recently saw the udumbara blooming on an oleander tree, its threadlike stalks erupting with tiny white blooms. Was it real? Alas, no scientists were on hand to confer the blessing of authentication. But that doesn't matter for my purpose, which is to let you know that you'll soon have a close brush with the equivalent of an udumabara. Be alert. Don't be so lost in your fantasies that you're blind to the fantastic omen that's right in front of you. You've got to actually see it in order to be ready for the wondrous event it foreshadows."

This could mean anything from, I'm getting a new ink pen, to getting a new life. Recently,I have been considering getting rid of all the worldly possessions and buying an ipod for the cd collecetion and a laptop,and shipping the art and dishes to a new locale and taking off for fresher pastures. Likely no greener but perhaps less polluted with the detritus of others baggage, at least for me.

I opt for new life, but I'll take what I can get.

Cross everything, send good thoughts to Del and Bigg, and stay tuned. I may have a new bic to talk about any day now.

The weather is still holding out miraculously well so I'm off for a long lunchtime ride today. According to the local seers I'm running out of time and I don't intend to squander a minute of this.

Love

and the changes come

They come when you least expect them, when you sometimes don't want them, and often when you don't think they will at all.

I find it interesting that two of my favorite bloggers are in major flux in their lives. And I am facing the same thing. I truly hope I can hang on to this job until spring. I need to, and there seems to be a concerted effort to see to that it doesn't happen.

Yet again I am the scapegoat in a situation in which I have no authority, no decision making capability and don't really want any. In short I am labeled a troublemaker because i have initiative and I wish to improve my job and it's purpose. It's very puzzling.

Details are unimportant, I just need to hang in there until March or April and then I can go. I'll file bankruptcy if I have to, though I hate to. I'll do what it takes to get out of here in one piece and if that includes startingover financially then so be it.

But Spring is my goal. I'm trying to keep my head down and my mouth shut. Let'shope they let me do that for another six months.

More later. I gotta get started on the day.

write it off

I'm writing off this latest guy. What a flake! I wish I could think of a better word, but that's the best one I got today. We're supposed to see each other tonight but no emails, no calls, no nothing. I'm not of a mind that he should be calling me all the time else I'd be bitching about that here instead. But calling to confirm, setup a plan for where, when, etc is just common sense. I have come to the conclusion this guy has none. So he's history, and moving on to the next topic.

I want to be more active politically. I think I'd even like to start a PAC, though I'd have no idea how to go about it. I see the traditional groups still in existence and I see that they are still dong the same stuff they've always done and I also see that it's not working.

I cannot be the only one (other than Richard Rothstein at queersighted) who is outraged and ready to mount a fight over this continual denial of our civil rights. I'd be wiling to bet that our illustrious President vetoes the Defense bill coming to his desk this week because it contains the Matthew Shepard Act. And I bet there is not one gay man or woman who takes to the streets as a result. I wish I could find someone to take that bet because I could use the money.

I am living a prime example. I am being forced to work in a hostile environment and no one can do anything to help me because there is no law to stop it. Why? you ask? Because I have no protections for my civil rights. Anyone can deny them to me under the guise of my sexual orientation and there is no recourse for me.

Yes, there is a new anti-discrimination law in my state (Kansas) and yes it could afford me some modicum of recourse. But at a constitutional level in Federal court, Nada, nothing. Why do we tolerate this?

Why do we do nothing to protect ourselves? Why do we allow others to trample on us simply because they hate something about us as though we deserved it? Why do we then ask for it to happen over and over while asking "May I have another please?"

Do we really believe we should be as hated as we are? Do we really believe what they're teaching their children and the rest of the world, that we're to be eradicated and barring that possibility to be reduced to nothingness? That it's ok to hate us because of who we love?

Did you choose to be gay? Did you wake one morning and make a conscious decision, knowing all the ramifications of such a decision, make up your mind to pursue a life that you knew was going to be fraught with battles, hatred, fearful lashing out from others, and constant tension with your family?

Did you do this with the intention of waging a battle against the "family values" that Republicans have so long preached as their own invention?

You know you didn't. I know you didn't. They don't care, is the whole point.

I wish I could stand up and make a difference in the lives of the men and women who fight this battle with me every single day and have some chance of winning.

I wish.

Love

i got an issue already

I do! I have an issue with this new guy and we hardly know each other.
The word flake comes to mind.

When one claims they want to have a relationship, this implies they'll make themselves available in some way to pursue said goal.

In fact should I be willing to make that claim I'd have to make some concessions regarding my full schedule. The difference is that I'd do it.

This guy keeps saying "oh we've got to get together, blah blah blah", never happens. Well, in all fairnes we've only tried twice, but still.

Today I emailed and said, "Here's when I'm available, you call me." Ball officially not in my court. He's on his own.

No fun this weekend anyway, I have to work the whole thing. Hate that. But I'm taking off monday. So things are looking up already.

Have a lovely weekend. I borrowed (read stole) this photo of some straight guy named Gabe from Queersighted.com. Hope they don't mind, but Gabe should be spread around. Way too much man to be hoarded by those New York types. Even though I love them.

Love

conundrums in the workplace

I work in a place where they treat me very well. I like it here and it's going to pain me to leave next spring, but it's time for me to move to the next phase of my life and being here isn't pert of that equation. That's part of the reason I'm concerned about starting up with a new man, but that's another post altogether. One which I'm not sure I'm going to do because what if the new man ever was to find out I blogged about him etc etc etc.

Anyway, in the grand tradition that there is always one person at work who decides they're going to pick on you, I have been selected. Ain't I lucky.

I send out this report that tells supervisor they have stuff to correct from the work their staff did the previous day. This is simply what my boss told me to do when I was hired and I do it daily. Unfortunately, one of said supervisors takes it personally. Therefore, whenever I send her any corrections she scours the report and then notifies my supervisor of any errors. Today it was formatting in a column. Mind you this column is a new field we added last Friday. I think you get the point.

So in an effort to disarm this Bully, I chose to include in today's report a little note of apology.

"My apologies for the formatting error in yesterdays report. As much as it pains me to admit it, I am human. Therefore, I suppose we should brace ourselves for the inevitability that I will make mistakes from time to time.

I have rectified that oversight on today's report, thanks for letting me know about it though."

That will either disarm this bitch, who will now lay off me since she's been made a fool in public, or cause her to order my immediate beheading. We shall see.

I realize it's a calculated move on my part fraught with risk, but something had to be done and my supervisor isn't getting the fact that I am being picked on and isn't telling this woman to lay off me like she should. My supervisor if you can't tell is not very effective. A nice person whom I like working for, but as a manager, not so much.

Well, enough of being paranoid about work foolishness.

My bike had to go the shop monday and I just got the call it's finally ready. I cannot wait to get it and ride the rest of the week. It's beautiful outside and I don't want to waste a minute.

OK, ok,I met a guy. He seems nice and we're going out to have dinner this Friday and we'll see where it goes, and yes I feel just like a certain someone in the Arizona desert who finds running into a good guy at the wrong time a condition of life, but one must take it where one can get it.

And I look at it as something that happens specifically because there is a time limit on it. Perhaps without that I wouldn't be willing to commit at all.

I hate knowing myself.

Love

a good time was had by all

Well, there was a wicked scene at Dillard's today. I had simply had it with my clothes. I've always had a certain sense of style and lately I've let it go. And that's not working for me at all.

So today after I rode like 25 miles, I grabbed the Dillard's card, took a deep breath and plunged into the men's department.

I now have an entirely new wardrobe for work and I'm oh so happy. If I get real brave next month I'll go for the casual stuff that needs replacing as well.

I'm just tired of this casual thing at work, it's boring, it's NOT professional, and mostly one never gets to show off that way.

Actually I was looking at something online yesterday about the 50 most stylist men of the last 50 years and remembered that I aspired to that once. Before I bought five pairs of black jeans and five shirts of the same cut and fabric but different colors and a pair of black rockports and made it my work uniform.

I DON'T WEAR A UNIFORM!

I have a professional job, and god knows I send the federal government enough money every month to prove I'm educated enough to have a professional job. So there.

Monday I'm off so I'm getting a haircut, and maybe a manicure, and then I'm going to work on Tuesday looking GOOD.

And the retail therapy didn't suck either.



Love

Because it's Saturday

and THIS is the only way to spend a Saturday night.

Enjoy.

Love

ok, ok, I give

I've decided I want to do this, so I'm going to make the supreme effort. I'm going to try to post every day.

Mind you I have a full time job, a part time job, I'm preparing for a pottery show in October, I'm directing a show in October, and doing some sort of riding thing in November with the American Royal (Horses). I'm also taking a class in November to get my ESL certificate, I'm taking a web design class this semester, I ride my bike 60 miles a week, down from last years 90 for obvious reasons, my friends insist I make time for them weekly, so there goes lunch on saturday and breakfast on sunday and often friday evenings as well, I'm taking a tai chi class, and horseback riding lessons. As you can see I have a few irons in the fire. So many posts may not be as long as today's will be. I'm sure you'll be thankful.

Though my on again off again relationship of over 30 years is off again, yawn, I still try to pretend I have some sort of intimate relationship in the world so time must be made for that as well.

My brother is spending a lot of time with me recently on saturdays in particular because our family finally came completely apart last fall and he wants to preserve our relationship since he apparently sees how crazy his sister is and that he won't be able to have much of one with her unless he's willing to get involved in all her imaginary problems. And of course our father is almost 84 and likely won't be with us that much longer so he graciously has chosen me as his family contact.

He's a pretty great brother at any rate so I'm not only lucky to have him I'm happy as well, and I spend the time gratefully and willingly. One of the biggest reasons I think he's doing it is that he knows I'm outta here at the first opportunity, which will likely be late spring of 2008, so he wants to be with me as much as he can before I go. It's very thoughtful and loving and I've always admired that about him. He's the best of us, I hope he's around a long time.

But I digress! I'm moving to Santa Fe. I've long wanted to return to New Mexico since the early '80's when I lived in Albuquerque and though I have friends in Las Cruces and I love them, I want to live in Santa Fe, and I intend to do that. It will be expensive I'm sure, and it may take a while to get my ducks in a row, but I'm going, and I'm going to stay.

It's my intention to find both a man and a teaching job and tell the decider at the teaching job and the man, that they may as well take me on because I'm not going away and I'm just going to hang around until one of us succumbs to the vagaries of time and up and dies. Hard to argue with the hardline ain't it? To borrow a line from a Liza Minelli song, "Maybe this time, I'll get lucky."

I guess I'll start with the list of what I want from this life. None of which is impossible I think.

1.) Theatre
2.) Teaching
3.) Horses
4.) Pottery
5.) Directing
6.) Travel
7.) Bicycles
8.) A Man

I want to be involved in some way in theatre, preferably as an employee of some kind.

I want to teach cause I think that not only do teachers have it good, I think it's incredible when you see the light come on in someone's eyes when they make a discovery and understand something for the first time.

I want to have horses in my life cause I think that connection with nature and other animals is oh so important to our understanding of life.

I want pottery cause its beauty and practicality all rolled into one and it's truly fun to do.

I want to direct theatre cause working with actors brings me joy.

I want to travel cause I think this world has an incredible wealth of stuff to show and teach all of us and that we don't take nearly the opportunity to learn about other people that we should.

I want to ride my bike daily because it gives me a perspective of my own life that I know I'd miss otherwise, and it's healthy, and I love the look of the world from a bike.

And perhaps most importantly I want a man in my life, cause I think that I could learn so much from just having another person in that close a proximity. Besides, I'd learn about love and compromise and sharing and what's more cool than living with someone who shares your dreams and believes in you and gets the same in return from you?

So that's where I am in life at the moment. I'll be back tomorrow, but today
I just got a buttload of work brought to me on top of the buttload I'm ignoring already. So have a wonderful day, and look for the best in people. They don't always want to show it to you, but it's there.

Love

update

I just wanted to mention that I'm stil trying to resolve my issues with Paypal. Man do they suck.

I'm still working on that post about having a true north, It's not that the piece is so complicated, but I'm busy. In fact i was so busy I didn't get to see an old friend before he went off to vacation in eastern europe last week. (no I've no idea why he went to eastern europe to vacate)

So, know that even though I don't get to post very much, in fact not nearly what I'd like to do, I'm still thinking about it all the time and I'll find my blogging true north one day and then things wll really take off.

And hope springs eternal.

Love

for whom the bell tolls

I have high hopes that death, when it comes will have waited many more years. I've also no idea why I am thinking about it today, but I am.

I used to think that I'd know it when it came, that I'd feel its approach. That I'd at least have a little time to adjust to the idea. I now know that probably won't be the case. I was injured this spring (a week before my 50th Birthday) in a horse riding accident. There wasn't much riding to it. I got on and then I came off. I was working for people who, though they own quite a few horses don't apparently know that much about them.

I'd rearranged my schedule so I could take a nice ride in the morning before I went to work and then another when I got home. Thereby fulfilling my obligation to ride out the horses they wanted to use for trail rides. This was to be my second morning engaging in this wonderful new schedule.

They gave me a horse I was unfamiliar with and told me she was fine. Willie, their man said, that the last time he'd rode her, I don't remember when, she'd been fine. "She rodeo'd on me a little when I first got on her but after that she was ok."

I now know this means "That horse ain't broke."

She was looking wild eyed at me the whole time I was saddling her. I thought, "Well, she doesn't know me and she'll be fine once I get on her back."

I've not been that wrong in a really long time.

As soon as I got on her she felt incredibly stiff, and she started dancing a little. I thought I'd better get that stopped quick before she got the wrong idea and so I tried to turn her to the right, there was no give to her at all and I knew I was in trouble. So I turned her to the left and she gave a little and as she turned her front feet came off the ground, but they went back down after I turned her a bit more.

That's the last thing I remember.

Apparently I gave her back her head after she turned and that was when she came up off her front feet to get rid of me. As most inexperienced bronc riders do, (mind you I'm no bronc rider, but that day all the rules applied to my situation) I tried to stay on her. I'm assuming I accomplished this by using the reins to keep my balance, and yes, all I really got done was to pull her over on top of me.

This is conjecture on my part cause the next recollection I have is standing in my living room some 100 yards from the last place I had been conscious, and touching the back of my head saying, "Why is my head bloody? And why am I in the house?"

No I never went to the dr. get off my back about it.

About that time Steve walked in my front door and said, "Sean come here." apparently I was wandering the house aimlessly.

He said, "Do you know what just happened?" I told him no, and he said, "Ok, you just had an accident with a horse, she rodeo'd on you and then came over on top of you. You hit your head and were knocked out for about a minute." He checked on me repeatedly throughout the morning and since I had started to make sense again by noon, he left me alone.

Shortly after that I was asked to leave the farm. I still wonder if it was because they feared me telling people about it, and running off customers, or if they were afraid of their own liability, or if they figured out I'm gay. It was one, or all three, I'll never know and don't really care. They demonstrated to me that they have no real knowledge of horses and all I was going to get was permanently injured there and I'm glad I left.

But that incident let me know that death, when it arrives doesn't always knock politely and ask if it can come in. It just shows up.

I have no real fear of it, I know in my heart that one day it'll happen and all this stuff I've wasted my time worrying about won't matter anymore, and that, as they say, will be that. So, though I'd rather not linger with some wasting disease waiting for it to happen, it'll show up in its own time, in its own guise, and I'll go when I have to.

But between now and then I'm going out there and I'm going to be the best Sean I can be. Cause in the end that's all that matters, that every day, succeed or fail, you woke up with that intention.

I guess I'm sounding a little grim today, sorry. Not my intention, just thinking out loud.

i had no idea

ok, i just looked at the slide show of young cuties i posted a few days ago. I'd only seen it at work where I have the sound turned off on my computer at least nine different ways, and I swear to you I had no idea that horrible music was playing with it.

What is that unchained melody or what? It's just awful I want suddenly to watch Ghost, and i HATE Patrick Swayze. well so sorry I'd stop that horrible noise if I could.

I'll be more careful in the future. Of course I've said that for years.

Love

Love song for Bobby Long

ok, I have to come to the defense of this movie. Even if I'm 3 years too late. It was released in 2004, but I just saw it the other day, and rottentomatoes.com says everybody hates it. Not me.

Sure it was cliched, and sure it used every worn out southern stereotype extant, BUT. I liked it. I liked it because the cast was committed to it. Scarlett Johanssen, whom I truly cold care less about in everything I've seen her do, is fine. I don't hate her, but the lack of depth she let Pursy have kinda pissed me off. Like she just wasn't into the role. Well, then let someone who is into it have the role Scarlett! There are as you know, shitloads of women out there who'd have given their left tit for the part so let them do something with it.

One thing I really ilked about this movie was that though Gabriel Macht is cute as hell, they didn't make it seem so. He was just this alcoholic young guy who was screwing off a few years of his life with Bobby Long. Him I truly liked in this movie.

And Deborah Kara Unger..well she could just stand there and I'd be happy. I think I've only seen her in one bad movie and that movie was so bad it had to be an accidental conspiracy on the part of about a dozen people, so I have to give her that one. Remember,I'm gay, so she's gotta be prety fuckin good to get this from me. I ain't saying it cause she's so hot to me.

My favorite in this movie was John Travolta. He worked his ass off in this thing and you couldn't see a minute of it, now that's what an actor is supposed to do.

Let's get things straight at this point. I am not a John Travolta fan. I don't hate him, but I'm not bowled over by him either. And as for the gay question? Who gives a shit! I'm not attracted to him, and even if I was interested, and he was gay we're never going to meet, let alone date, so what possible difference could it make to me?

But Bobby Long was a singular creation I think Travolta got his teeth into and he planned to take it as far as he could. Don't get me wrong there were moments he let the young and inexperienced director take him places he shouldn't have gone, but overall he was great. His relationship with Gabriel Macht could have come off stilted and easily gay. But it never crossed that line and I always believed it. The scene where he's reading Lawson's book and trying to critique it is perfect. he tries to give criticism for criticism's sake and Lawson isn't having any of it. Bobby knows his place here and he knows this tightrope act will not work with his friend Lawson so he lays off, fast. Exactly what he should have done.

His relationship with Pursy, I think, was influenced by the director, and that dishrag Scarlett. The only time she showed any fire was when she threw out the golddigging b/f from the redneck riviera. I'd say she needed a more experienced director, but I saw her in Match Point. If Woody Allen can't get you to act, you need a new job. This chick just ain't that damn good. True she was paired with the current reigning champ of overacting Jonathan Rhys-Myers, but surely she could do something, ANYTHING!

I loved this movie and though I knew Bobby was going to die, and I don't do get-sick-and-die movies, I watched it anyway. Thanks guys!

have I mentioned...

Have I ever discussed the incredibly bad customer service we endure daily here in America today? It's unbelieveable.

Take for example, Paypal, an institution who advertises their wonderfulness. NOT TRUE!

Well, perhaps if you're a seller, they may be wonderful, but caveat emptor is the rule if you're a buyer.

I recently got a Paypal buyer credit acct and decided I needed to use it to do a few things to my car. So I got online, selected the necessary merchandise, and won my auctions. That's when the trouble started.

Being new to the Paypal buyer credit game I inadvertently clicked on the wrong selection and instead of charging these items to my account I charged them to my bank account. This was not in the budgetary plan for the month of august...or ever at this time. Needless to say I was instantly screwed up in the banking department.

Fortunately for me, I thought, I realized my error instantly and moved to correct it. I called Paypal to enlist their much touted assistance. It was not forthcoming. In fact it didn't exist in my case at all.

I explained my error to the woman "Jen" who answered the phone and se told me, that their was absolutely no remedy for me. This did not ilicit a positive response from me. She then told me that she'd get a supervisor, but there was no way she was going to do it either. This turned out to be the truest statement of the day. The supervisor, coincidentally, also named "Jen" also informed me I was S.O.L. in the help department. She was roundly cursed, and deservedly so.

Now intent on defeating Paypal's evil machine that was bent on the destruction of my very carefully laid out budget for the month. I turned my attention to the seller. There was a good guy. His name was Ben and he works for a company called Opto-Electronic design (raintracker.com) and I will hold them both dear to my heart til the day I die. (yes, I recommend this company)

Ben (if that's not your name I apologize, but I'm pretty sure that's it.) told me he'd just refuse the payment, and I could return to Paypal and pay however I wanted. Ben is a GOD! He did, I did, and all was well. The malignancy that is paypal had been defeated, or so I thought.

This morning I awoke to the need to attend to another auction for car stuff. I'd been outbid overnight so I knew I'd need to be diligent to win this item which was important to me to acquire. I won the auction, very happy. More paypal involvement, not so happy.

Needless to say in my blurry state right after waking I did it again. I clicked on the wrong thing and paid with the bank account again! Upon realizing this I went to my bank account only to discover that Paypal had charged me for yesterday's item anyway! I emailed the seller, bypassing paypal, they're worthless, and asked them to deny the payment so I could fix the problem. No response. Now it was time to go to the bank.

I went in this morning when the bank opened and denied both ACH charges from paypal, which cost me stop-payment fees, which sucks, but it was my mistake and if it keeps the malevolence that is paypal from getting their hands on my money it's totally worth it.

I will use paypal in the future, they're a necessary evil, too many people use them to avoid them completely but I'll be deleting my checking and credit card numbers from that acct today. I will forever curse them and will berate them publicly whenever I get the chance. Being mean to their staff is also a perk I intend to indulge in.

It's a symptom of how little business cares if we're happy. They don't care at all, they just don't want to hear about our unhappiness, they're not the least bit interested in helping us be more satisfied with them. No matter what they tell you.

I hope I sounded appropriately bitter in this post. PAYPAL SUCKS!

I Love Faeries

Just a little pick me up for Friday morning. These couples are adorable so I thought I'd share them with you since Richard Rothstein at Queersighted saw fit to share them with me. Well, his audience actually, but being a member of said audience...

More in a little while, first a bunch of work, then I can play.



OK, I can make a little time here for me before the next pressing project that must needs done before the end of this week.

The folowing is an email I just sent to my brother. There are moments being a senior has merit in this world.-

You know how sometimes there's a revolt at work?

And it has to be led by someone?

Historically it's been me. As we know I have a really low threshold on my Bullshit barometer and things at work frequently set it off.

Well, this time I can say it's so nice to sit back and smile as the youngsters lead the revolution.

They're telling us that we're going to have start covering the circulation desk across the street since they're short of staff. This has caused the young people to go insane.

They're right of course, but it's a losing battle and those of us who've been battered by a few work brouhaha's know how to pick our battles and this isn't a winner.

But it's fun to watch them try.

There are days I love getting older.

Not many but a few.-


So that's the sum of this week. The time for me to look at other avenues of employment draw ever nearer. Hopefully I can make it until spring, which is the plan.

I doubt there will be any serious dustups between now and then. It's simple really, they have a bad manager whom they won't get rid of, for reasons passing understanding, and they're passing his problem off onto the rest of their staff.

A shame really, when you think of the effort and time and money it took to grow this place to where it is, and then to take a giant step backwards into the dark ages rather than hire one more person.But it's civil Service after all, what's a benefit monger to do. I just need to keep my head down, my mouth shut, and make them think I'm a team player for a little longer. Then we'll all part company as friends the way I'd like it.

I am working on a post I want to get right before it goes up. It could sound really melancholy and bitter if it's not done right and I want to avoid losing what could be a great piece to that kind of rhetoric.

It's mostly about not having what I call a true north. That fixed place in the night sky to steer by.

Is it a condition of my generation? Or is it a personal foible of some of us? Is it irreparable? Or does it need repair at all? See, I have lots of questions about it.
Sorry, didnt mean to tease you with this, but I keep mulling it over in my head and sometimes when I do that its best to just put it on a page and while doing THAT it becomes clear. Not always, but sometimes.


Do me a favor, put Bigg from My Confessions blog in your thoughts and prayers. He seems to be vacillating between hanging in there with all his issues and/or throwing in the towel. He writes so well and has such a charmed view of his own life that he needs to continue, and I think he needs our help to do that right now. Let's see if we can do something for him with the power of our positive thoughts. I don't know him, but I think he's a good guy and I want him to win. Here's hoping he comes back from the big woods this weekend with a new outlook and lots of good news.


Love

Merv Griffin, May he Rest in Peace.

The most entertaining, and outright laughable, thing I have read on the internet about the late Merv Griffin since his death, is that he could singlehandedly have prevented the AIDS epidemic if he'd simply come out of the closet,and spoken to his good friends Ron and Nancy Reagan about it.

The mind that could have come up with such a thing is so simple that I thank the Gods that the internet is so easy to use. Otherwise that fool would never be able to spew such nonsense for the world's amusement. Whoever you are, you could singlehandedly prevent the spread of rampant stupidity if you'd just shut up. But it's not likely that we're going to live to see that either!

The fact of the matter is that the only choice we have as gay people in this world is whether to come out or not. We can choose to keep our sexuality to ourselves, or tell the world, but that's about all the choice we get. In fact some of us don't even get that choice.

We have no choice in living in a culture where we're not wanted...a lot. Not totally, I mean who'd teach them about texture and color, but a lot, yes. We have no choice in living in a culture that sometimes would like to "help" us change our sexuality. (oh! please!)

We certainly have no choice in being denied our rights as partners, friends, husbands and wives, when faced with losing someone, no matter the cause.

The fact is that one of the tragedies of our enormous gains in the past four decades in this rigid, homophobic society, is that we have largely ignored, and thereby not taught subsequent generations, what it was like to grow up and come of age in a time when we absolutely had to hide and or deny who we were to simply survive. Merv Griffin grew up in such a time.

My Uncle Frank grew up in such a time.

Until his death at age 68 of emphysema, he lived in his parents house. He had never left. He assumed the responsibility of providing them with a home, since I'm pretty sure they couldn't have afforded one of their own. After their deaths the house was his and he stayed there alone until his own death. Never once did he mention his sexuality. Never once would he ever talk to me about it. It's a pity, because I really wanted to know what it was like growing up in the '30's and 40's as a gay man and I know he was an excellent resource I just could never tap.

Once he brought a "friend" home, whom we'll call "Ed." Mostly because that was actually his first name and mostly because I'm not sure if he's still alive or not and I wish to respect his choices. But Ed was well liked in our family and it was obvious that he liked Frank. It's my opinion that Franks inability to return his affection in any outward way was the demise of their relationship. Because though they were in touch and Ed was mentioned from time to time, and Ed attended Frank's funeral, they were not a couple for long.

I also had a cousin, Bob, who was gay, with whom I shared a relationship we didn't have with our own brothers. As time went on I was fortunate enough to live long enough to have grown to know my brother better and had that relationship. But I digress.

Bob was old enough to have been able to at least touch on the subject with Frank and he shared some of those stories with me.

He told me of an evening when he went to a gay bar and Frank walked up to him and asked what he was doing there. He also told me that his heart sank to his stomach at that moment, because instead of thinking he'd run into Frank at a place where they could share their secret, he thought he'd been caught by a family member who would out him.

That is the world in which our ancestors lived. That is what we have lost sight of. That is why Merv Griffin was silent.

Money, no matter how much, doesn't quell fear. Ask anyone who came from abject poverty and succeeded financially.

We have to remember that our hard won freedom, as much as we lament it's limitations today, is HUGE compared to theirs.

We have to honor their choices, and we have to remember how very different this world is from the one they knew. And we have to remember how similar it is as well.

We also, need to remember to thank them in our prayers for being as brave as they were or nothing would be better, even today.

(Thanks to daniel the guy in the desert blog for the photo. I've no idea where he gets these old pics, but I am so glad he does)

I have seen the enemy and he is us

Last night I witnessed history. Something one seldom gets to do even after living half a century, and I was not alone, millions were watching with me(along with a few very happy spirits), but witness it I did.

I sat in my living room and watched 6 Democratic Presidential Candidates participate in a debate on gay issues, on a gay network, in the United States of America. That was pretty fucking cool, and you could never have convinced me that it would have been possible even ten years ago.

My fear is that it was a Pyhrric Victory. What price did we pay for it? Did we gain anything other than the historical value of the event? As I sat there watching, it occurred to me that it is so human to get caught up in the coolness of what was actually happening that I had to be extra careful to listen to what the Candidates were saying, and weigh their answers.

Sadly, these people, and those who handle them do not yet appear to understand that communication in this country is changing, it is now so multi-layered, that whoever is President of the United States five years from now will be communicating directly with their constituents, and they need to be prepared for that. They're not.

The canned pre-cooked answers that Candidates have gotten away with for years will no longer cut it. The debate over their actions while in office will be ongoing and examined by people in an up to the minute format. They can't expect to try to be all things to the middle of the road and get away with the subterfuge we've tolerated the last 7 years. If he has done nothing else, George W. Bush has cured us of that kind of complacency and though it pains me to do so, I have to thank him for that.

Hillary Clinton, yet again, tried to be everywoman. Letting me know that she understands my dilemma, when she has no clue what it's about, and truthfully could care less once she secures my vote. She'll take that page straight out of her husbands playbook, "get their vote and then ignore them." He was champ at that and she'll be no less.

Barack Obama, Now there's the guy I think is slipperiest of them all at this game. I think he'd tell me water wasn't wet if it meant I'd vote for him. I simply do not trust that man, I wish I could explain it better than that. I think he wants to be the first Black President of the United States, and he'll sell out the gays, the blacks and whoever else would get him there to attain that goal. I think he's naive about foreign policy and his domestic policy wouldn't play with a majority of congress so unless he was willing to continue the Bush tradition of acting like he's king and ignoring the will of the people he'd get little done at a time when direct, quick, and effective action is the single thing we need most.

John Edwards lost me when he started talking about his religion and his discomfort being around gay people. John can take his North Carolina, Southern Baptist bullshit and sell it to some fool who can't see it for what it is. Religious Self-aggrandizement. I see his wife out there saying all this touchy feely stuff about gays and health care etc, but she wouldn't be the President would she? She can say all the great shit she wants to. Mr. North Carolina Southern Baptist can write it off to the ramblings of a sweet wife, and not do any of it. She needs to go back home and concentrate on her health instead of trying to convince me that her husband is a guy worth my time. Thanks Elizabeth, but no thanks.

This brings me to candidates who, unfortunately, are regarded as little more than court jesters by most people.

Dennis Kucinich, this guy gets it. He knows what we need and he knows what we're looking for, and he's saying he's going to do everything he can to get it for us. From withdrawing from and renegotiating our position on NAFTA, to Universal Health care, to Gay Marriage. This guy sees and demonstrates the values this country was founded on and what it stood for before the fundamentalists took it over. He hasn't a chance in hell of winning...too bad. He'd make a great president if he could accomplish what he says he wants to.

Mike Gravel, Another guy who seems to have the interest of the people at heart. He's a little touchy feely for my taste, but he also gets what we need. A no nonsense person who wants to accomplish something that would make a true difference in the lives of the people he serves. Also not a chance of winning the nomination.

Bill Richardson, he shot himself in the foot telling us he thinks we're gay cause we chose to be. Oh, yeah, thanks Bill I just woke up one morning and thought how wonderful it would be to be considered a second class citizen, be denied my civil rights at the whim of any straight person, be outright hated by most of the religious zealots in the country, be told by my own religion that I am worthless and shouldn't allow myself to love, and frequently live in fear for my own physical safety cause I am not safe walking down the street alone. You're an idiot and I can only surmise that the desert sun has cooked your brain.

Chris Dodd I saved for last cause I know the least about him but I do know that he doesn't get the simplest issue, and that's health care. He still wants us to buy health insurance. Health Insurance Companies are the whole problem Chris! If you want to keep and expand the problem by getting EVERYONE to start paying health insurance companies to NOT cover our health needs then what else could you possibly say that I would find of interest? Also no.

Joe Biden couldn't be bothered to participate last night so I can't be bothered to have any interest in his campaign.

So, yes, be proud of what happened last night. Be incredulous that we have accomplished as much as we have. Be happy we're able to enjoy the fruits of our struggles. But listen to what these people are saying...really listen.

Our battles are not through. They likely will not end in our lifetimes. But they have to be continued. Our worth as human beings must be defended at every turn at any cost, and we are absolutley the only one's who will do it. We are obligated to see to it that we are adequately represented. For ourselves, and for those who come after us. We leave so much behind us that is not regarded as worth remembering, let's invest in our legacy for history.