I had no intention this morning when I woke up of being all Bah Humbug on your asses, and I hope this is not how this post turns out, but I have made note of a disturbing trend.
What in the hell do you all go home for Christmas for? Seriously. I have read four blogs this morning and even the usually banal psychiatrist is a grouch. There appears to be tension barely contained just under the surface of almost every single holiday encounter I've read about. Thankfully, at no time am I regretful of my estrangement from my family, and a blog day like this solidifies my position.
Yesterday we had a minor snow event. It was blowy and we ended with just a few inches of snow, so I spent the day in.
Thinking, at one point, that I was feeling reflective over the last year and the solstice, I got out my calendar and looked at some of the things I'd done and seen this year.
Though the near miss with the law was resolved, and a horse nearly did me in, I feel incredibly lucky. In fact because those issues were resolved I feel incredibly lucky.
I became a better horseman this year than ever before, and though there is an unmeasurable distance to go before I would even think of calling myself a true horseman, I have learned a lot, and I have spent time developing my skills in that area of life. I have also begun, ever so slightly, to resume my relationship with animals. They're smarter than us you know. We make it all so difficult and they boil it down to the basics in seconds. They live simply too, which, in my book makes them WAY smarter than us. I am entertaining the notion of having a dog in my life again. I miss the company. My trepidation exists on only one level, I'm not home a lot. From Monday morning through Friday afternoon I am only home to sleep. This means a dog would be alone, cooped up in my apartment all the time without interaction of any kind, and that leads to all sorts of issues in my experience. It's also incredibly unfair to the dog. So I'm still thinking about that one.
I finally figured out who the crazy people in my adoptive family are. Unfortunately, it turned out to be my people. I had hoped against hope that this was not the case. But I've always contended that one simply becomes more of who one actually is as one ages. So since they've just gotten crazier and crazier, to the point that it's undeniable, I have to face the facts and move on. I don't miss the insanity and the turmoil that was my life with them in it. In fact things have settled down quite nicely.
I've spent my entire adult life with friendships that provide more than that family unit could ever dream of. As I've said before the family you get isn't always the family you get. So, Jim,Keith,Kenne,Cheryl,Kathy,Abby,Ani,Don,Linda,Chuck,Michele, CC,and Lisa-Lin,thank you for being my family. Just...well...Thank you.
I got that teaching job I have dreamed of for decades. I just have a few weeks to prepare, and then the challenges really begin. I'm sure I'll be a mess that first day and I'm sure I'll screw it up several times, but the process is for everyone to learn including me. So though I have fears, I'm going to bundle them up in my gut and go stand in front of that classroom and have that dream.
I traveled a bit and though there are new horizons in my sight I have things that must be attended to first. I went to Santa Fe, and San Francisco, and Chicago, and Las Cruces, and San Juan. I hope I get to see all the places I have in my mind over the years. I'm a little cautious about it since there is apparently some gay travel gene that I hope not to indulge. I don't want to do it so I can tell people I did it. I want to do it so I can see the world in a unique way.
I'm looking at horseback riding vacations in Peru, and walkabouts in Australia, and bicycle tours of Ireland. I want to see the life in these countries,not the tourism. I believe that people are just people and the only way to learn that for sure is to go talk to them. You can't do that from a tour bus. I'm trying to figure a way to spend a few months in Mexico doing an immersion school for Spanish. That,I think would be extremely cool.
I'll be moving sometime in 2008 to New Mexico,permanently. I'd love to live in Santa Fe, but that may not be feasible. It may have to be somewhere else so I can maintain my financial plans for at least a modicum of security. But I need that place. I need the things it has always offered me, and the way it makes me feel to be there. The reasons not to stay here become more and more clear as the days pass, and though I like my job(s) at least I now know what I want to look for in the future.
Personally, I've stayed away from relationships. My focus this year has had to be me and my life and my future. I wouldn't have been any use in a relationship with anyone in 2007, and I knew it. Perhaps I can turn my attention to such things before next solstice.
So after all that reflection I was hungry, and I made a big pot of steak soup. The rest of the evening I sat and watched it snow out my windows. Thankful that I want what I have.
Enjoy your time with your families. I hope it's not as stressful for you all as it sounds. And I hope you return home refreshed and ready for the New Year. Wow, I made it all the way through without Bah Humbug, cool.
