Not that I'm unusual, but I hate change. Let me amend that. I hate change I do not instigate. I hate change that effects me, in which I have no input. That change I hate.
I may have mentioned that we keep getting memos from the director at my job telling us how dire the economic circumstances are and that we can expect changes. I am friendly with a woman who is administratively in the know, and a couple of weeks ago I alluded to the impending changes and she said, "Oh, have they already talked to you about that?" It wasn't my intention to make her spill the beans, but I was glad she did.
The problem is that this job, since it's inception,when I managed to piss off the current director, has only had reverse gear. I keep attempting to move into other things, perhaps something with a creative bent, and I keep getting either passed over, or moved backwards ever so slightly. I think the days of ever so slightly are over, or at least on the wane.
During the time it took,(forever) to create my full time position here I managed to let the asst director, who is now the director, know that I am someone who not only is pro-active, but someone who thinks for themselves.
She is not fond of this particular predilection.
So ever after I've been in the admin doghouse. When I applied for a position as Public Relations Coordinator I was not interviewed, and a young white woman from within the organization was hired. When I applied for a position as Humanities Specialist, one for which I would think my Masters in Fine Arts would qualify me, I wasn't interviewed and a young white woman from the same department as the first was hired for it. When I applied for a volunteer position as a storyteller, I wasn't interviewed, and an old white woman from the SAME department was selected. That particular program subsequently bombed and was discontinued.
Now, I'm getting emails asking me how long it takes to do this, and then how long it takes to do that, etc. The winds of change are making me nervous.
What I think makes me most unhappy is that I find myself in a position that I promised myself I'd never be in. Here I am, car payments, credit cards, and I'm likely to lose my job. I could just kick myself for believing.
So, I have to wonder if the automatic assumption that my particular position is so readily adaptable is because I'm a middle-aged white guy with a Master's degree, or if it's because men here are only allowed to do technical stuff and to lift and tote.
In any case I'll be looking at options. It may be time for me to look at that move I've been putting off for several years. It may just be time to find myself that place to settle and get myself setup to spend the rest of my life in some form of simplicity. Those who know me know that simplicity is not a hallmark I have exactly lived by all these years, but it sure sound good about now.
Perhaps it really is time to trade that damn car in on a truck, get a trailer to haul my horse in and head, literally for the hills. You suppose I could make a living making pottery and riding horses? It's been done by others I'm sure. I'll never be rich, but knowing I am in charge of change would be nice...for a change.
Maybe that's all the security one can ask for in this life.
