Merv Griffin, May he Rest in Peace.

The most entertaining, and outright laughable, thing I have read on the internet about the late Merv Griffin since his death, is that he could singlehandedly have prevented the AIDS epidemic if he'd simply come out of the closet,and spoken to his good friends Ron and Nancy Reagan about it.

The mind that could have come up with such a thing is so simple that I thank the Gods that the internet is so easy to use. Otherwise that fool would never be able to spew such nonsense for the world's amusement. Whoever you are, you could singlehandedly prevent the spread of rampant stupidity if you'd just shut up. But it's not likely that we're going to live to see that either!

The fact of the matter is that the only choice we have as gay people in this world is whether to come out or not. We can choose to keep our sexuality to ourselves, or tell the world, but that's about all the choice we get. In fact some of us don't even get that choice.

We have no choice in living in a culture where we're not wanted...a lot. Not totally, I mean who'd teach them about texture and color, but a lot, yes. We have no choice in living in a culture that sometimes would like to "help" us change our sexuality. (oh! please!)

We certainly have no choice in being denied our rights as partners, friends, husbands and wives, when faced with losing someone, no matter the cause.

The fact is that one of the tragedies of our enormous gains in the past four decades in this rigid, homophobic society, is that we have largely ignored, and thereby not taught subsequent generations, what it was like to grow up and come of age in a time when we absolutely had to hide and or deny who we were to simply survive. Merv Griffin grew up in such a time.

My Uncle Frank grew up in such a time.

Until his death at age 68 of emphysema, he lived in his parents house. He had never left. He assumed the responsibility of providing them with a home, since I'm pretty sure they couldn't have afforded one of their own. After their deaths the house was his and he stayed there alone until his own death. Never once did he mention his sexuality. Never once would he ever talk to me about it. It's a pity, because I really wanted to know what it was like growing up in the '30's and 40's as a gay man and I know he was an excellent resource I just could never tap.

Once he brought a "friend" home, whom we'll call "Ed." Mostly because that was actually his first name and mostly because I'm not sure if he's still alive or not and I wish to respect his choices. But Ed was well liked in our family and it was obvious that he liked Frank. It's my opinion that Franks inability to return his affection in any outward way was the demise of their relationship. Because though they were in touch and Ed was mentioned from time to time, and Ed attended Frank's funeral, they were not a couple for long.

I also had a cousin, Bob, who was gay, with whom I shared a relationship we didn't have with our own brothers. As time went on I was fortunate enough to live long enough to have grown to know my brother better and had that relationship. But I digress.

Bob was old enough to have been able to at least touch on the subject with Frank and he shared some of those stories with me.

He told me of an evening when he went to a gay bar and Frank walked up to him and asked what he was doing there. He also told me that his heart sank to his stomach at that moment, because instead of thinking he'd run into Frank at a place where they could share their secret, he thought he'd been caught by a family member who would out him.

That is the world in which our ancestors lived. That is what we have lost sight of. That is why Merv Griffin was silent.

Money, no matter how much, doesn't quell fear. Ask anyone who came from abject poverty and succeeded financially.

We have to remember that our hard won freedom, as much as we lament it's limitations today, is HUGE compared to theirs.

We have to honor their choices, and we have to remember how very different this world is from the one they knew. And we have to remember how similar it is as well.

We also, need to remember to thank them in our prayers for being as brave as they were or nothing would be better, even today.

(Thanks to daniel the guy in the desert blog for the photo. I've no idea where he gets these old pics, but I am so glad he does)