Why do so many gay men hate themselves? This is vehemently denied by most, but their actions speak louder than their words. They deny their feelings, they sabotage relationships, they deny themselves love, and it can only be because they deem themselves unworthy.
I have to wonder if it’s a trait peculiar to my generation, or if it’s a theme throughout gay history. Were it peculiar to my generation I’d certainly understand. We lost many many men and it was their propensity to bond with others that got them lost. So to deny oneself love as a survival technique I can understand. It’s not entirely logical, but I’d get that.
To deny oneself love because one had been taught from an early age that they were unworthy of love of any sort because of WHO they love, that I’d get too. We’re all told in many ways that we’re not worthy of any love, and we begin to believe it after a few thousand tellings, so it too wouldn’t be surprising. It truly is a tough world out there so it’s always so important that we look at ourselves, though imperfect, as worthy.
Here are a few of the tools I’ve personally seen employed by gay men:
Blame: This is a great little tool to keep everything in a negative light. Blame someone. Find something you don’t like, something that’s wrong, or just something out of place, and lay some blame. It’ll make you feel so much better about yourself to know there really IS a bad guy and that they’ve accomplished what they set out to do. To PISS YOU OFF. Because, it IS of course, all about you.
Making bad decisions on purpose: Excellent! Another really good way to keep yourself down. This supports the mindset “I’m going to fail, so why shouldn’t I make sure that I do. That way expectations will always be low for me and I won’t actually have to try very hard."
This strategy unfortunately overlooks the fact that lack of success takes a LOT of work.
I deserve this life that makes me miserable: There is some parenting mindset that makes it ok to remember and dwell only on the mistakes your child has made. And to remind that child how inconvenient they were for you. That child, however, needs, at some point to grow up and accept responsibility for themselves and learn that the bullshit laid on them by their idiot parents isn’t really who they are and certainly not who they have to be. It just takes work. Also, taking responsibility, which we American’s are not fond of. Just look at the Oval Office.
Anyone who dares to care about me must be made to pay: “I’m worthless, I’ll always be worthless, and any fool who dares to look at me and see a human being with value is REALLY gonna get it.” Rather than embracing this chance at improving self-esteem by seeing oneself through the eyes of another, and learning that we do have value, many choose to lash out and chase the offending carer away. “Shoo! Don’t you dare love me.”
Hurt first: Being the one to inflict emotional pain first certainly gives one a sense of power. Of course it’s counterproductive to the cause, but hey a good juicy knife in the heart to a loved one has no peer.
Now, it’s possible that they could use some of these very tools to turn things around, but they never seem to discover this. They always want to go to the dark place, and keep themselves trapped in that loveless and hopeless place that “everyone else put them in.” because there always has to be a bad guy.
I understand that no one is immune to these behaviors. I was personally acquainted with a man for almost 50 years who is so full of self-loathing that he thinks that things make him a better person. In fact he sold his house and moved to a better neighborhood in an effort to impress a woman who he wants to marry. The mindset being, “If I get this house and live in this neighborhood, I’ll be worthy of being loved cause I’ll be like her. And being on the same economic level as she is makes me a better person.”
Sad that someone as old as this guy (85) is so shallow as to think that, but he does. And he’s not alone. I’ve had two men in my life who I’ve cared for deeply who are so convinced of their own lack of value that they will go to any length to keep others from getting close.
I waited for many years (34) for one to come to his senses, and finally, thankfully, before I myself succumbed to the vagaries of time and died, I came to my own senses. The other I cared for, and still could I think, but he too is determined to live a life filled with misery and blame. So I had to turn my back on those relationships and seek happiness elsewhere.
It seems though, that self-loathing is the province of gay men and women the world over. It’s often their raison-d’etre.
In the spirit of the season I challenge those of you who aren’t debilitated in this way to reach out to those of your acquaintance who are.
Identify at least one person you know who lives in that unholy place that keeps them down, and challenge them in some way to live a happier life. They’ll never thank you for it, but do it anyway. It’s the right thing to do.
Speaking of which, that’s all one can hope to accomplish in this day and age, to do the right thing. I’m not personally much of a believer in that whole birth of the Savior thing. But the spirit of the season is certainly worth an indulgence don’t you think?
Help one of your fellow men grow emotionally out of Junior high.
They’ll blame you for it.
