Embarrassment

Well yet again I have to admit to being human, and I REALLY hate that.

But! I was just reading Richard Rothsteins blog over at Proceed At Your Own Risk and I was reminded that October is Queer History Month. How could I have forgotten? I used to go on and on ad nauseum about it to anyone who'd listen, which is probably the reason I forgot, there are fewer and fewer listeners these days.

He makes many excellent points as usual, and extols the virtues of knowing and remembering where we came from. All of which is spot on. I seldom read his posts without thinking "I wish I'd thought of that."

However, for our purposes here, I'd like to conduct a little experiment. I know there aren't many of you, maybe 20 or so. But you are scattered throughout the world. From the U.S to France, to Malaysia, to India. (Yes, I have google analytics now, so I know where you are.) But I know nothing else about you.

I want to know and document your queer experiences. I want to know what it means to you to be a homosexual in this world. So tell me. You can use the comments section here if you wish, or you can email me at: Hephaestion0526@gmail.com if you wish to remain anonymous. I will retain the right, without naming names of course, to publish excerpts here for purposes of my discussion on the subject.

I am fortunate enough to be the third generation queer in my family, and though it is something I know, I never heard any of the history, or the stories, from my uncle. He was incapable of discussing it. I shall regret not knowing that always. Frank Wiley didn't lead a remarkable life, but he deserves to be remembered and acknowledged as a queer who lived and died in the midwest in the middle of the 20th century. He worked as a laborer his entire life, and I have to wonder how it was for him. He never told me. I think we should tell others that we exist. If for no other reason than to comfort future generations of queers.

I think we need to keep records, I think, if there isn't one already, there should be a queer library, as it were. There is a wealth of music, art, literature that's relevant and in fact pertinent to our existence, and as we all know, no one will preserve it unless we do. I guess that's just the librarian in me, but there is always a successive generation that needs, in many ways, to know they're not alone, that we have passed before them, and suffered many of the same trials they will. So they will not feel so alienated. So they won't feel so alone.

I think we forget sometimes that there will be future generations of queers and that we need to make provision for their health and well-being. Particularly for their inclusion in a culture that all too often is forgotten shortly after the person in question takes their last breath.

Let's start keepng records for ourselves, let's start a diary, if you will. Let's leave a record of our existence.

Let's start with coming out stories. Tell us yours. If you haven't come out, tell us why and what you plan to do about it. Feel free to tell any queer stories you wish, just make them about life and living, there is enough gay porn in this world, let's gear this discussion toward living as a queer.

Why? Why?? WHY???

Do you ever wonder why things happen in a certain way at a certain time? Is the universe trying to tell you something? Is it trying to prepare you for something?

Well, here I am in the throes of planning my permanent departure from this city to a place I intend to stay forever, and suddenly the dam breaks and opportunities suddently rear their glorious heads.

I've been offerd an adjunct teaching job, which I've been seeking for over four years, and last month I was asked to develop a staged reading of a book for the youth services department at the library where I work. In a meeting today I find out it's possible that this could become my job here at this particular organization should I choose to develop it.

DAMN IT!!!

Now I have to make decisions. I hate decisions. It's so much easier to let the universe dictate your actions and live accordingly. It's less predictable and certainly less secure, but it takes all the guesswork out of it if you're just reacting to circumstances. That appears not to be an option I can exercise at this point in my life. I hate that. I'm being ironical of course, I love the possibilities that are presenting themselves and I love the idea that I have options and can choose what I want to do and how to make it happen. I feel very fortunate.

I do however still want to move to Santa Fe and get started there, but of course that little voice says to me, "What if this new stuff is all about developing possibilities that you can then use to your advantage to sell yourself to Santa Fe? What if this is going to lead you to a place where you actually can live in Santa Fe, AND teach part of the year in South America like you want to? What if this is a path you've been trying to open up for a long time and paying it it's proper due is going to pay off for you in the long run? What if you wind up staying here and developing a successful program that includes education, theatre, teaching, and some of the other things that you're passionate about?" I wish that little voice would shut the hell up.

See, I was all prepared to blog about the Prime Minister of Cambodia and what a fool he is for cutting off his adopted lesbian daughter,(hmm sounds familiar)and then saying that homosexuals can't help it if they're born that way. I suddenly felt as if I had a disability. Does this mean I can park near the door now? Idiot.

Is the concept of unconditional love impossible to grasp? Can someone not just love their child and accept who they are? Do they have do demonstrate their displeasure by withholding material goods from that child? Is that what they're all about? I'm sure this woman talked to her father in people, and he talked back in material goods, I can guarantee it. People like him are universally hung up about stuff,not people, stuff, believe me I know firsthand.

I truly wanted to rave about this moron, but now I have to be neurotic about all this other stuff. What to do, what to do.

I think I can do both.

puzzled, rested, yet puzzled

I have returned to work from vacation and it took most of today to even begin catching up. My boss had told me she'd cover things while I was gone, and apparently in her language that means she'll leave it for me when I return. So blogging has taken a backseat for the day...so far.

I am however, perplexed by the notion that telling young saggers that "to sag is to be a fag" (which is basically what they're apparenty being told in Dallas), will get them to pull up their pants. One may want to sag but never to be a fag is the message. Nice. Tell more people that we're heinous just to solidify that idea in their minds so we perpetuate the ignorance that this country thrives on. Good Idea, and it came from Texas imagine that.

I'm now looking at Argentina, what the hell, we're headed for isolation or concentration camps anyway so I may as well try a new country. I saw a job at the Universidad de Argentina the other day. I may just apply see what happens.

Oh and the Catholics (Grrr!) in Iowa, (ahem) are calling for a same-sex marriage ban. Now, what if we proposed a constitutional amendment that Catholics, actually being Vaticanites, and therefore not actually citizens of The United States, were to register as aliens with the INS, which, of course, would immediately limit their rights to vote, since they're not technically citizens? Hmmm? I wonder how loud the hue and cry would be then?

The good Catholics, never my favorite people, at the parish where I went to grade school recently terminated the employment of their Church Music director because he came out as gay. These particular parshoners are assholes, as were their ancestors and it just goes on and on in the same swirling gene pool.

Now, I ask you, has there EVER been a male music director at a Catholic Church who WASN'T gay? I suppose it's possible but in my experience...no. And I went to Catholic High school and College as well, so my experience isn't limited.

I wake up in this country every single day of my life feeling so welcome I can hardly contain the love and positive energy I feel from the populace.

I've done everything I'm doing for today. Go save the world on your own, I'm tired, and to quote the Countess de Lave, "Fetch me a bromide...and put some gin in it."


Love

just a bit more

Nicholas Gonzales. Happy Friday!

Well, vacation will be officially over today. It was fun, and next month we start the holiday season in which I get to have a lot of time to myself, yahoo!

Oh I wanted to comment a little more on my Colin Farrell post yesterday. Actually I wanted to beat up on him some more. "A Home At The End of the World" now there's Colin's early career nod to gaydom. It's sort of gay in that his character, in youth, got caught getting a hand job from his best friend. Yawn! Of course this movie is alright because the gay character ends up dead at the end. Well not dead, but well on the way. It's the American way of film and theatre. Gay people only wind up crazy or dead. Unless you count "The Talented Mr. Ripley" in which you get both. It's so exciting.

I wonder if you can wind up dead because you're gay and surrounded by crazy people? Well, I'll never know from personal experience. I banished the crazies long ago and lest I turn to a pillar of salt I shant look back.


The new heater arrived yesterday for the studio, so I'm off to get that setup and spend the rest of the day throwing. I feel like Will Truman when it comes to pottery I keep talking about it, yet there's no evidence I actually do it. So to send you on the merry weekend way here's a picture from my portfolio.

Love

fucking colin farrell

Which is not to say I'd like to fuck Colin Farrell. In fact the opposite is true. I was just forced to lay here with this miserable cold I apparently contracted while riding my bike in the chill the other day, and watch Alexander. What a piece of shit.

Has this guy EVER been in a watchable movie? S.W.A.T.? Miami Vice? oh, wait, I know! That tribute to overacting....."Ask the Dust" which surprisingly was worse than Alexander.

How does this guy keep working? I am still looking for a movie with him in it to be worth my time. It amazes me.

Well I hope this cold starts to get better quick because we still have some finish work to do on the christmas in october house this weekend and I promised I'd be there.

Also I apparently have been offered a job to teach an intro class this spring, so woohoo! Teaching experience. Sorry for the lack of enthusiasm, but it's hard to get interested in much today.

I was listening to some guy this morning on Democracy Now who apparently volunteers to travel the world and do humanitarian work. I felt like a selfish slug. But I think that's what the item was meant to do.

Well it's obviously nap time.

To borrow a phrase, "Come stick pins tomorrow dear, I'll be more responsive."

the prodigal returneth

I love vacation. I think one should be able to vacate at will. Life would be so much better.

I went to Des Moines for a horsemanship clinic with Clinton Anderson, who could do a lot fewer gay jokes in my estimation, but nonetheless is still pretty fucking good with a horse. He did say that he tries to get women to be less passive and men to be less aggressive and since that is his criteria in working with horses that gay men should be the best horse trainers in the world. Have to agree with you on that one aussieboy.

Met some very nice people at the clinic who invited me to ride with them Sunday. So we all skipped out on Anderson and went to their place and rode for hours, it was incredible. They insisted I stay the night and put me up in this trailer on their farm. It was great because I snore so loudly I was horrified at the idea they'd make me sleep in their house. So the trailer was a great relief.

On Saturday night I went to a restaurant and since it was so crowded I sat at the bar to eat, where I met two women who were fun to talk to. Well, one of them was fun to talk to. The other was, hmmm, shall we say, self-absorbed. She need me to know that she'd owned the florist in Des Moines that was the one chosen to provide the flowers for Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood in Bridges of Madison county, which I totally doubt since almost everyone I met during that time frame claimed to be some sort of extraneous staff to that film.. If it's all true they'd never have gotten the damn thing in on budget. Anyway, she also had to tell me she'd started college at 16, like I needed to know. The thing that puzzled me was, if she finished high school early what took four years to finish college? I would think if you could do one in three years you could do the other in the same time frame. I didn't believe that one either. Then she told me she was writing a book and since I was a librarian, (I have discovered that if you work at a library you're a librarian, even if you're not.) that she needed to pick my brain about poisons, since she was killing alot of people in the book she was writing. Another puzzling thing was that she was supposed to be so smart and so bookie, but she didn't know that deadly nightshade is belladona. Now, I'm no expert on poisons, and it's a good thing since I'd have probably done in a couple of people over the years if I'd known anything, but even I know where belladona comes from. This was about when she told me I was the most interesting person she'd met in a long time. This is when the alarm bells finally went off.

1.) This woman hasn't a clue who she is talking to. She thinks if she keeps this up she's gonna get some. Um HELLO!!

2.) How sad is it that I am the most interesting person she's met in a long time. Would that I were as captivating as all that. Alas, folks I got a mirror and I hear what I say when I talk. I'm not THAT interesting. And telling me isn't the way to whatever she was trying to get anyway. Poor thing.

The other woman was much more fun. She nailed old miss self absorbed over and over and shortly after figuring out I was gay and neither of them had a shot at me, she took her leave. Too bad too, she was much more fun to talk to.

But I dealt with old self absorbed for a while longer, had my desert and coffee and hit the road for the HORRIBLE motel I was staying in. The motel at which they couldn't find my reservation, then tried to give me a room anyway, for which they were going to charge me and I refused to take it since I knew I'd be charged for the res I'd already made and then I'd have to fight with them about two charges. The motel in which the high class clientele stood in the hall and talked at the top of their lungs at 2:45 AM. I was not enchanted. The motel in which someone never met a door they wouldn't slam at 6am. I cannot wait until I get the survey for THAT stay. I'm oh so looking forward to filling that out. Thankfully the horse people saved me from that flophouse.

Monday I woke early, since these people were incredibly early risers, and I mean early, these folks were up and about at 4:15 am. I didn't mind though I was able to partake of their huge breakfast and thank them profusely and hit the road for Chicago and my date with the windy city. I really had fun there. (they still drink bad coffee in the country though. ick!)

After passing on what appeared to be a very kind offer on the part of a cowboy at the clinic, and I mean VERY kind, and also passing on the flat out offer I got from my waiter Sunday morning I was very gratified to arrive in Chicago to my usual reception. Why I am a hit in that town I'll never understand, but every single time I get to the city limits I'm getting hit on. Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you. So Chicago turned out to be rife with opportunity and I felt VERY welcome as always, thank you.

I spent Monday afternoon wandering all over the Art Institute and as always it was wonderful. Love that place. Then I looked for a motel. OH MY GOD!!! I stayed at a Super 8 in Schaumburg and it was STILL almost $200 a night. For that kind of money I expect someone IN the bed when I arrive. Foolishly, I had entertained the notion that since it was just one night and I deserved a treat I'd stay at the Drake. Yeah, right. Try $427 a night. After I refused treatment from the paramedics I headed for the suburbs.

I arrived home today refreshed and ready for the rest of my week off. I shall ride, make pots, and read a lot. I have all kinds of ideas for posts here. I hope I remember them all.

One thing I do remember is that I prefer the term poof to fag. No one called me any names on the trip I was just thinking one day...



I love the term poof

why did we start letting people call us fags and not poofs. Shit call me a big ole poof anyday.

it's so civilized,

Oooooh! That's why it didn't stick here, it's civilized and this is America. Where we have a Cro-magnon for President.

Why would poof stick in our slang.

Well Maybe Hilary can send Barack out as part of his VP duties to start calling us poofs again. That's a very fun image. A big jug eared black man calling gay men poofs. The secret service would be sooo busy keeping that guy from getting his ass kicked, yes, yes.


Love

The rules at Positronics

I"M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

But first, something for your prurient interests.















I just love Tim Daly, always have. Be thankful I didn't include the butt shot. This movie was singularly horrible. Well, no, according to Richard Rothstein over at queersighted.com there is a movie more horrible than Dr. Jekyll/Ms. Hyde, and it's called Coffee Date.

He says it's a gay romantic comedy,(kill me now)that shows that we gays( gay, by the way, is NOT a noun!) deal with the daily frustrations of life just as everyone does and that we're all people. Logo TV apparently produced this thing. I think gay TV is a great idea. But so far it's much like Will Truman, it only talks about being gay-

If this is kind of movie is the example, I take back everything I said yesterday.

Now back to the rant.

Blogger is managing to piss me off this morning, I hit preview, it posts. Ah technology.

Speaking of technology, the robots at at&t/cingular/at&t, managed to take my phone payment out last month...TWICE!

Of course, here we are a month later and I now owe them for another month and they simply can't understand why I refuse to give them anymore money until they find the money THEY ALREADY HAVE.

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.


I think they forgot to put the rules in the positrons at at&t.

The story today is that they mailed a check on the 3rd.

A check??? Who the hell deals with checks anymore? They could take the money electronically, but they have to give it back by corking up a bottle and floating it down the river to me. "You should have it today or tomorrow."

Apparently they do have rule 3.

I feel like Michael Douglas in The Game.

There are piles of stuff in this office to be done before I go on vacation at 4:30, and I am blogging. Fuck it.

Many hours later-

Ok, well I just looked at my own blog and realized I got all caught up in getting things ACCOMPLISHED before going on vacation, and I neglected to post. WHAT could I have been thinking? I'll post now.

I'm vacating for the next week. You may hear from me daily, hourly, or not at all. We'll see.

Love

Log Cabins in the misogynistic woods

First a little business.

The geezers in the previous post, I am told by my friend Kenne in Hawaii, are from the Log Cabin Republican website. He thought I'd hate this, and though I suppose that's a realistic assumption knowing me and my "love" of all things republican, I didn't actually hate it. I went to the Log Cabin website and looked around. I felt I owed them that much since they're fighting the good fight from their own perspective, and since I know so little about it I shouldn't start in on them until I do. Though I agree with very little of the notion that one can be gay and republican in this political atmosphere I realize that most gay republicans hold to the original ideals and intentions of their party and are fighting for those ideals not the ones represented in the current administration.

But remember this folks, Lincoln is long dead, and the things your party teaches are not the same anymore. I know too that the Kennedy's, and Roosevelt, and Truman are dead, and that the things the Democrats once stood for are fast disappearing as well in the sea of apathy that is congress today. So perhaps we need an overhaul. Maybe it's time for those who still hold to the ideals that, all "men" are created equal start new parties that actually do reflect what we believe, and what we know we can accomplish. We've had new parties before and the country didn't crumble, so don't fear that I'm preaching anarchy. Who the hell has the energy for that anymore? But we can make changes,and we can make a difference,we just gotta wanna.

That having been said it's a great way to segue into my post today.

I just read a post that was talking about dealing with misogyny in America. How does that work? How do you eliminate something that is so ingrained in a culture that even those being denigrated find the subject amusing?

A couple of years ago I took a conversational Spanish class, and one of the ways the instructor broke the ice with the class was to make jokes. Most of those jokes were not about women, but about how funny it is for someone to act or be like a woman. The class was mostly women, and even the women laughed. One evening we were having a discussion about those kinds of things and I brought it up. One of the women was incensed. "You never heard me laugh at a joke like that!" She was getting agitated. I said, "Sorry, but you did." All this guys jokes had to do with women, men acting like women, how funny it was that being feminine meant being something less than, and those women laughed.

Because that is what we're taught to do.

Milton Berle built a career off the notion that a man dressing as a woman is laughable. Even the women laughed.

Let's not see a woman dressed as a man! That's immediately suspect. Why would she want to impersonate a man? Does that threaten us somehow? Does the thought of a woman posing as a man instill fear in us? Does it upset the balance of our universe?

For that matter, does an effeminate man,i.e. a man who would be with another man intimately pose some sort of threat that makes them laugh nervously? I've always noticed that the best defense men have against gay men is that we're less than because we're attracted to men. Because we'd "subjugate" ourselves to a man sexually. This makes a person less than somehow. They wink and they nod to each other as though there is some inside joke only shared by straight men about us. Like they have some secret knowledge we cannot possess because we're less than them.

I have some friends whom I love dearly. They have two children, and once, perhaps twice, I really don't remember, I sat with their children while they went out for the evening. I'm not much of a sitter, because frankly, I'm not much for kids, and everyone knows this. But for these people, who've been such good friends for almost two decades, I did it.

One of the first things that happened was that the youngest child climbed up on the couch with me and snuggled next to me and nodded off to sleep. Well, let's say I was shocked. I laid there wondering where this child could have gotten the impression that THIS was something he should feel free to do with ME. My first instinct was to put him down, or to get up myself. But I feared this would give him the idea that I didn't care for him, which is not true, I love those boys as if they were my own, so there I stayed. Frozen with some foolish adult notion that this was wrong and shouldn't be happening, and somehow ignoring the fact that this child was just being close to someone he trusted and loved.

But looking back I have to wonder if there wasn't another reason I stayed on that couch. I was acutely aware at that moment that the child's father was standing just behind me in the other room watching this little moment, and I also knew he was troubled by it.

Now, these are people who love me...But!

They're troubled by my being physically close to their child. Being the defiant S.O.B. I am I stood my ground waiting for Dad to come put a stop to this, but he didn't. I suppose that's to his credit, yet, to this day I am still troubled by it.

It made me know I am less than in the eyes of people whose opinion I value, it reminded me that this lack of regard for someone "feminine" is so ingrained in our culture that even someone you love and care about is suspect at times.

If we're ever going to progress as a society, as a culture of people who learn that the color of your skin, the shape of your anatomy, the desires in your heart make no difference in the person you are, we have to start with the notion that no one is laughable because of who they are.

If anyone, is regarded as less than, we are in jeopardy. We are not living those things we supposedly hold so dear in this christian society that, and trust me, I'll be paraphrasing here because I'm attempting to quote the bible and I am no scholar on that subject, "Whatever you did for the lesser of my brothers you did for me." Well, if you hold women, homosexuals, and people of color to be less than you, why would you not behave as though that bible quote wasn't impetus to improve those relationships, and bring you nearer to that God you use to beat everyone up with so regularly?

Maybe then the laughter would stop and we'd start to deal with each other seriously as though we all matter.

As we grow older we simply become more of who we are. Those who are concerned about their macho image become bigger blowhards, those who are obsessive complusive get really ramped up, those of us who prefer isolation withdraw even more, the narcissistic get closer to their mirrors, and those who believe that there are people in this world who are less than they are get really wrapped up in their superiority.

That child knew who loved him and cared about him and whom he trusted. The adults paid no attention to his wisdom, as usual. Perhaps if we did we'd see that none of us are laughable, because of our differences. That those differences are the most important things about us.

Let's conduct an experiment. Just try to make note of how many times in the next seven days you make a judgement, a joke, a snide remark, even to yourself, based on the knowledge or the assumption that someone is less than because they're feminine, or homosexual, or have different color skin than you do. Don't tell me the results I don't want to know. But let's see if it makes you aware of the problem.

Then perhaps I won't be able to note that even the women laughed.

Even the women laughed.

I did it!

I don't know who these geezers are but it's nice to see them together, and it's nice to see two men embracing. We should all embrace more.

Well, the title of this entry just turned out to be true. I did do it. I posted before I blogged. No clue how that happened, but I hope it's not indicative of the rest of the day. I've got too much on my plate to have that going on.

But what I was referring to initially was that I came out to someone yesterday. I decided a few months ago that I wanted to pay off my credit card. I don't owe that much but it's a nuisance to pay on it every month. So I looked around and found a job as a cashier at a grocery. I figure it's a job I won't have any compunction about quitting when the time comes.

But last night I was talking with this woman I work with, and through a series of conversational faux pas she managed to give me the perfect opportunity to come out to her. I did, she didn't know what to say. I thanked her for fulfilling my duty to the day, and that as far as I am concerned was that.

I was honestly surprised that at my advanced age I had to come out to anyone, but it apparently is still necessary and I was happy about it.

You Should Be With an Earth Sign!

Your best match is a Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn Why? You like your guys to pamper, wine, and dine you Not that you're a gold digger, you just like the finer things An Earth Sign will go all out to woo you - and enjoy doing it And you'll never find a more trustworthy or loyal match!

What Sign Guy Should You Date?

I just learned that a kid named Anthony Fortunato was convicted of manslaughter and hate crimes for luring a guy to his motel room and trying to rob him. This particular guy fought back got shoved into traffic and run over. He was removed from life support several days later and died.

Apparently the jury had trouble with the hate crimes issue. Figures. But my favorite quote was that "No one thought he (Fortunato) was a bad kid." Huh????

Oh yeah he was a saint! He lures guys to his motel room to rob them because they're easy targets cause they're fags, one of those guys gets killed and Fortunato tries to claim he wasn't committing a hate crime cause he's gay himself, which his friends all completely disprove. What a guy. This is proof positive that people simply do not think. I am not sure if it's because they don't want to, or if they're incapable of coherency, but it mystifies me.

Al Gore won the Nobel Prize this morning, very well deserved. Too bad no one is listening to him either. A woman I work with is still convinced he's going to step into the Presidential race now. She's nice, but delusional. I think Al is done with politics. And now he certainly doesn't need the money.

I have the Christmas in October house volunteer thing tomorrow, and after that I'm going out with my brother to play for a while. After that I'll probably sit at home and try to catch up on reading. I'm still woefully behind. The last two evenings I've only gotten like 20 pages read. I have to move a little faster than that. (addendum) I was just across the street getting a shot in the dark to help me stay awake while restoring the disaster my boss inflicted on us all yesterday when she tried to copy a program to the test server and accidentally put it in the production server instead. Everything I've done all week is gone. I either have to recreate it or do it over again from scratch, and everyone is in the same boat. She is not popular at the moment. In fact she just ducked when passing my office. Smart, since heavy objects could come hurling out my door at any moment. But the point of this addendum is that some woman comes in the coffee shop wihle I was there and says she's going to come back later for the artwalk. This rang a bell and I wasn't quite sure why. Right up until I realized I was IN the Artwalk and had not brought any wares. So I have to go immediately home after work, get my pots and get back there for the show. God I hate senility.

I'm wondering if the closet case safari is on this weekend. If it is I think I'll watch it. Apparently Jeff Corwin and Anderson Cooper went on safari together. And now it's going to be televised. Ahem.

Damn these responsibilities

Here's an angel for you!



OK, for my third post today.(the critical software at work has crashed so I'm free for a while at least) I have neglected to make mention of national coming out day! My bad!

I guess.

Who in the hell am I going to come out to? I haven't done this in years, since it wasn't necessary. But I guess I'll find someone. Maybe there'll be some cute guy at the grocery I can torment this evening. Now THAT would be fun. But I just have to ask. Now, how many Presidential candidates acknowledged National Coming out day today??? Hmm??? How many? That's what I thought.

I also have to mention a blog I just looked at from a guy in the south. I won't mention the blog or his name cause I have no wish to get in a blog bitch fight with some stranger and I mean no insult when I say this, but, he's thanking a friend of his who is straight for being so cool to him all these years.

Now, I get that. I have straight friends who are cool with my sexuality, and who've been supportive over the centuries, however, why should it be a big deal that they do this? Am I bad? I don't intend to be mean and I certainly don't mean to denigrate his relationship with some guy I know nothing about. I'm also certain he and I are not the only guys out there with a straight guy friend to thank for the same thing, but come on.

Isn't this exactly what I've been talking about?

Isn't it high time that we were measured not for what we are, but what we do, and who we are inside? Sorry, didn't mean to quote Batman Begins, it just happened.

This is the point of all this stuff I'm talking about. We are people! We are all people. We shouldn't be judging each other by our acts, by our innate attractions, by our private lives, because they are in fact our private lives, but for who we are, the things we do, what lives in our hearts.

I know I had to get older for all this to become clear in my mind and probably everyone else does too. But it sure makes me sad to see, in this age, someone thanking a straight guy for being cool with his sexuality.

Oh by the way I'm gay. Seriously gay! Marching in the streets with a big old placard in front of the White House with my fist in the air, proud fag gay.

IS THAT COMING OUT ENOUGH FOR YOU???

I'm going to lunch

damn

And another thing!

I love Rob Brezny-

I hope he's younger than me so I can count on him doing my horoscope for the rest of my days.

"...What about you, Gemini? What could we conclude about the nature of your mission here on the planet if we took an inventory of what you create? What are the experiences, products, artifacts, words, feelings, and impressions that you regularly spawn, and what do they say about you? It's an excellent time to meditate on this subject."

It's hard work being good every day. And we all fail more often than not, but like life, it's that old journey that keeps the interest. Of course, it's even harder to kep this curmudgeonly exterior polished when people keep trying to expose that there's someone nice underneath. Leave it be. It bites.

Sometimes when I contemplate my demise, one day in about a hundred years I hope, I think that often the only reason I stick around is because I want to see how it all comes out.

Sit Down

I mean seriously, you should sit down. If you know me at all you know when I say something like that I mean it, cause I'm about to drop a bombshell.

Actually, I don't know how much of a bombshell it is, but it certainly hit me ilke a ton of bricks.

I got offered a teaching job yesterday.

It's only adjunct, and it's probably only for one semester,and it's not at the college or university of my choice, but it's college teaching experience, and I like the guy who runs the dept, and an old friend works there too and I think he got me the offer. So, yes, they made the tentative offer, and I expressed my interest. The rest we'll see about. I still don't know the secret password so this may still fall apart, but until and unless it does I'm thanking the universe.

He asked what I want to teach and not being a complete fool, close, but not complete, I told him my preferences. Hopefully I won't wind up teaching creative movement or the like. Directing, analysis, crit, history, those I can teach. Musical theatre, I may as well teach mandarin for all I understand about it. I think he knows that already, so...

So there it is. I'm living with butterflies in my stomach at the thought of standing in front of a classroom again. This morning is the first time since I got the offer that I've been able to formulate a coherent sentence so I'd better stop while I'm ahead.

Love

not bleak house

This week's posts are an odd juxtaposition to my mood. They seem a little bleak to me, yet I don't feel bleak in the least. In fact I'm in quite a good mood.

That little preamble was to prepare you for the following.

The christian right is now looking to form a new political party, and one of their dream tickets would be James Dobson and Gen.Peter Pace. Yes! James Dobson of "Focus on the Family" the radio program, the evangelical minister, and Peter "fags are immoral" Pace, late of the congressional hearings where he told it like it isn't. Here we go, more craziness from people who believe that loving someone is wrong, that killing people you disagree with is just fine and that everyone is wrong but them and we all should bow to the almighty white straight christian man who is supposed to rule the world. This encuoraging news comes from Richard Rothstein over at queersighted.com.

YIKES!!!!!

This gives me pause.

Do I abandon my plans to move to a city where I plan to stay the rest of my life put down roots and become part of the community? Do I look for that other country where I could potentiallly live without this kind of oppression? Do I just give up and run for the hills to hide the rest of my days to avoid being the target of this unwarranted hatred? Do I take to the streets and fight them with all my being?

Damnit!!!

It's not that this crap scares me, it kinda does in a way, but there is so very little that I fear anymore...beieve me. It's more that I just don't understand it? Where does this kind of hate come from? Where do the people with this disease inside them breed the germ that keeps it alive? Why do they do it? Do they simply not have enough to think or worry about or concern themselves with so they exercise their right to hate every chance they get? Are they the same people who staunchly opposed civil rights in the 50's and 60's? Are they simply ignorant, or are they smart and devious? These are questions that need answering for me. I want to know who I am dealing with. I'm a gemini, we need this info to process.

And I certainly can't rely on the existing mechanisms like GLAAD, HRC et al, to tell me. They have their heads so far up my ass, and only remove them to put their noses in the trough that I help supply with cash for them to feed on, that they wouldn't know a bigot if one sat on their face.

So here I am wondering if any of it is worth it. What can be done? I realize that a small committed group of people is the only real way to effect change in this world. It's the only thing that has made a difference in the past and likely will be the only thing to do so in the future, but where to start? And do I really have the strength as I age to do such things? This kind of grass roots stuff takes a lot of energy, time, money and commitment. And though I do firmly believe that it is sometimes necessary to give everything for what you believe I have to know that I'm not alone in this quandry. I think that's the real issue here for me. Is the apathy I see so deeply rooted in our society that there is no point in trying to find the fire extinguisher and put out the fires that are burning while Nero fiddles? Or are there others out there who know we're in trouble. That we have to start trying to figure out a way out of all this mess. A way to really create the world in which we should all be able to live in dignity and respect.

I recently watched el diarios de motocicleta on dvd and I think the protrayal of Che Guevara and the director's and screenwriters understanding of who he was and what he really wanted for the people was an honest portrayal of a man's selfless devotion to his fellow man. (of course, the CIA had like one succesful mission down there in the 1960's and it was to kill this guy.)As we all saw in the 1980's there isn't much of a future for communism, thankfully. But the idea that the people are what matters, not power, nor who someone loves, nor land, nor religion, nor oil. The people...

Friends past

I once knew a young man named Chipper Sandin. We were friends for a while in the late 70's and early 80's. He died of AIDS in 1994. I learned of it in 2005. For reasons passing understanding for some, it upset me that I didn't know. I don't know what I'd have done at any rate. My friends were dropping all around me at that time, and I could hardly cope with it all as it was. I probably would have found some more tears, and picked myself up and gone on like I did anyway. There is apparently no cure for survivor's guilt.

But recently I have discovered that the friend who introduced us has misunderstood my relationship with Chipper. This past weekend I participated in a fund raising event for AIDS organizations and I listed Chipper as the person in whose memory I was riding. This prompted my friend Lisa-Lin to tell me her thoughts about Chipper and I.

I felt like sharing some of my response to her with everyone, so...

...there was some bond between Chipper and I that I have a difficult
time explaining to straight people. It's kind of like the friends I
know who've lost a partner to AIDS. They join this secret widow
society that only they understand.

I think we were friends for a while and I think we made an impression on each others lives.

So, insofar as we were gay brothers[if you will]I owe some recognition to his part
in my life. To what his presence did to shape who I am today. Also,I've no idea if anyone acknowledges his existence. Was there anyone significant in his life? I doubt that. He had a tendency to pass through people's lives without letting them take
hold.

Did his family make any recognition of his life? Where's he
buried? Did they just let him stay in DC? Did they have a funeral
for their gay son who died of AIDS? In Hootersville???? See there's a
million questions I think will never be answered. There's an old native american saying, that a thing only lives as long as there's someone alive to remember it.(I'm paraphrasing there but that's the gist of it anyway.)

We all pass that way at some point, but we should live on with those we touched. So in light of that fact, I have to remember that I knew someone once who made a definite impression on me as he passed through. Someone who from time to time deserves my recognition, and appreciation.

He was a confused young boy and he had very little guidance. Someone owes him something. I am willing to assume what little responsibility that entails. So, was I in love with Chipper? No dear, I was not. Did I have a soft spot in my heart for
him? I most certainly did, always will.-

And yes Lisa-Lin you're right, I hope he's still clapping his hands and laughing somewhere too.

Love

Monday and choices

I neglected to post a picture on Friday, which I usually do, so we're going to do a double dose of the lovely and talented Gael Garcia Bernal. Ok make that a triple, he's lovely enough to warrant it. Of course, he's also like 9, how depressing is that?


I have a limited amount of time to accomplish everything I want to today and I have to make choices, which I hate.

I have two hours in which to finish my days work, and then I have to go to my new dentist for the first time, and this morning I was told a complete horror story about him from a co-worker. Her timing was good, and bad as well so I'm in a quandry about that.

Also, I need to ride my bike today. Yes, I am an endorphin junkie yet again and I didn't ride yesterday so I'm having quite the bike jones this morning. So that needs to be inserted into the schedule.

I must finish reading this book I'm supposed to work with the children's department on, and get in touch with the people who could supply me with actors for it.

AND I have pottery class. Which I must attend because I have a show Friday and I need to get a couple more pieces glazed and fired before Friday. Besides I have to work wednesday evening and that means no pottery class. Gotta satisfy that jones too.

So, the dentist thing is the only real option I have to move any appts today. I could move it to next monday and it'd be fine. Also I think it'd be better for my checkbook to wait until then anyway. oh well dirty teeth another week. I doubt I'll perish from it, nor will anyone else for that matter.

Completely uneventful weekend. I did very little except ride my bike, meditation, yoga, and play online play money poker(I'm up a little under $5 mil). I did read a play and part of the Warren Zevon Bio. Oh and I watched "The Shooter," "El diarios de motocicleta," and "Rounders"(again) Made a date with a guy I met who lives in wichita. He's cute, but damn does he have to live THERE!

Del is traversing the rockies today headed for a new adventure in Spokane and I wish him well. I heard from my friend Kathy in MI and Lisa-Lin in Dallas. Also, from Kenne in Hawaii. My old friend Heather is still in Turkey today. Ah world travel, it's on the list. My friend Michele is home in Las Cruces after her excursion with her oldest son to SF to see if he wants to live there and go to school. Of course he does, who wouldn't? Oh and my friend Abby is discovering that elementary school teaching will fry your brain along with the AZ temps. As for my friend CC, well he's busy being him. It's a full time job. Love ya CC.

I told my boss I'll be on vacation the week of the 22nd. I've no idea where I'm going, but a car or a plane is headed out of this town with me inside I can tell you that.

Love

catching up

This week has been no better than last when it comes to interruptions at work. I have a ton of stuff to get done today before 2:30 and then I have to leave to help my nephew setup my brother's new tv for his surprise birthday party tonight. No this schedule is not stopping me from blogging this morning.

I forgot to turn on the dishwasher this morning so I doubt the housekeeper will do it when she gets there, and I didn't bring enough hangers for the shirts I found in the back of the car, which means the people who do my laundry will likely fold them and I hate that. So all in all I've screwed up the finer points of my Friday morning pretty well, and hope that this trend does not continue into the rest of the day nor the weekend. One never knows.

Oh! Flaky emailed me last night. Remember him? The guy I was seeing who "really really wanted to get to know each other" yet never somehow made time to do that.
Yeah him. I haven't decided what to say in response to his glib little missive of last eve. I may just blow it off. Why invest in his BS? I have plenty of that already. He was cute, but he wasn't "all that" as they say.

Gotta cram all outdoor activities into tomorrow, it's supposed to rain sunday, and that's good it'll make me stay inside and get some of those stacks of stuff read that I haven't been getting to.

Next Friday is the Artwalk and though I have plenty of wares, I'm not happy with most of them. I'll put them out, but not with much enthusiasm. The work with the horses at the royal goes on hiatus after tomorrow night. I'll pick it back up the last weekend of the month. Finishing the book I'm working on with the childrens dept here this weekend also. Hopefully I can get a cast together within the next week or two. It's gonna be a thrown together thing at best, but maybe it'll be interesting enough for them to want to continue. It'd be fun to do I think.

I haven't had a chance this morning to check into what horribleness George W. and Co are into this morning. I'm sure it's heinous. But I did see that Larry Craig isn't going anywhere...except to the tea room. Poor old delusional thing. I hope he's around a long time to haunt the party he represents so well.

Somone told me that Brittney Spears (sp? see how much I care!) lost her kids to the hubby. This begs the question "THESE are the choices for those kids????" Seriously. What hope is there for them anyway. Daddy is from Modesto (home of Scott Peterson) or Fresno, or one of those god forsaken central valley burgs, and rode mama's coat tails as far as possible, and momma is still living on the bayou. I also saw a picture of Brad Pitt's ass climbing over a wall. Why do I care about these things?

We're stealing all the natural resources from a country we invaded and then occupied, incidentally while killing like a million of its citizens. We're legalizing discrimination and saying it's ok, and those being discriminated against are saying. "oh well, no biggie." instead of taking to the streets in protest. We're denying that our legislators are blowing black men in the johns of parks, and we're selling, at my grocery store at least, "Organic eggs" in a plastic carton. Well as a diversion from all that good news I certainly need Brad Pitt's saggy 43 year old jelly butt on my work monitor. Am I the only one who doesn't get it?

I got work to do, wake your dumb asses up already.

Confusion abounds

If I had ever been a fan of that dreadful show form the '70's "Welcome Back Kotter" I'd use the catchphrase "I'm so confused." Which I think was Travolta's characters line. At any rate, I am thoroughly confused and simply forced to wait to see what the universe is up to.

Though I am certain there is nefarious skullduggery afoot here in the toxic waste part of KC I cannot determine with any certainty that it exists. In other words,all I got is a feeling. I also should mention that I've been asked to direct readers theatre productions for the children's department, and also be on a radio show on the local NPR station to talk about non-fiction books. See why i'm confused!

I'm told I'm wrong about the skullduggery. This is from someone who I have seen personally navigate the political minefield here, and very successfully I might add. He says no. That even if this person, who is not by nature someone who would set out to cause anyone problems, was of a mind to do this to me, she isn't in a position to do so. She also, according to him, doesn't have the ear of the person I thought she did. Therefore, I am told I'm paranoid for no good reason. This has never been the case in the past, so though I REALLY want to believe him, I don't. I'll accept his comforting for what it is, but the facts are the facts, and I think I'll be proven right. Unfortunately.

Normally if I get my hackles up in a situation like this there is good reason and I am ultimately proven correct. I really want to be wrong, but I don't think I am.

But in defense of the universe, it may have a plan I am blissfully ignorant of because the following is my Rob Brezny horoscope for this week. (I Love Freewill Astrology) I also seldom believe the universe deigns to tell me much of anything before deciding to take me on some new adventure. So I may be off on another sooner than I'd planned. Which is fine, I'm getting all Zen lately anyway.

"In Buddhist legend, the udumbara is a rare flower that blossoms unexpectedly every few millennia. It portends the imminent arrival of a miraculous breakthrough, as it did when it appeared near a lake at the foot of the Himalayas before the birth of Buddha. Many people in Fremont, California believe they recently saw the udumbara blooming on an oleander tree, its threadlike stalks erupting with tiny white blooms. Was it real? Alas, no scientists were on hand to confer the blessing of authentication. But that doesn't matter for my purpose, which is to let you know that you'll soon have a close brush with the equivalent of an udumabara. Be alert. Don't be so lost in your fantasies that you're blind to the fantastic omen that's right in front of you. You've got to actually see it in order to be ready for the wondrous event it foreshadows."

This could mean anything from, I'm getting a new ink pen, to getting a new life. Recently,I have been considering getting rid of all the worldly possessions and buying an ipod for the cd collecetion and a laptop,and shipping the art and dishes to a new locale and taking off for fresher pastures. Likely no greener but perhaps less polluted with the detritus of others baggage, at least for me.

I opt for new life, but I'll take what I can get.

Cross everything, send good thoughts to Del and Bigg, and stay tuned. I may have a new bic to talk about any day now.

The weather is still holding out miraculously well so I'm off for a long lunchtime ride today. According to the local seers I'm running out of time and I don't intend to squander a minute of this.

Love

and the changes come

They come when you least expect them, when you sometimes don't want them, and often when you don't think they will at all.

I find it interesting that two of my favorite bloggers are in major flux in their lives. And I am facing the same thing. I truly hope I can hang on to this job until spring. I need to, and there seems to be a concerted effort to see to that it doesn't happen.

Yet again I am the scapegoat in a situation in which I have no authority, no decision making capability and don't really want any. In short I am labeled a troublemaker because i have initiative and I wish to improve my job and it's purpose. It's very puzzling.

Details are unimportant, I just need to hang in there until March or April and then I can go. I'll file bankruptcy if I have to, though I hate to. I'll do what it takes to get out of here in one piece and if that includes startingover financially then so be it.

But Spring is my goal. I'm trying to keep my head down and my mouth shut. Let'shope they let me do that for another six months.

More later. I gotta get started on the day.

write it off

I'm writing off this latest guy. What a flake! I wish I could think of a better word, but that's the best one I got today. We're supposed to see each other tonight but no emails, no calls, no nothing. I'm not of a mind that he should be calling me all the time else I'd be bitching about that here instead. But calling to confirm, setup a plan for where, when, etc is just common sense. I have come to the conclusion this guy has none. So he's history, and moving on to the next topic.

I want to be more active politically. I think I'd even like to start a PAC, though I'd have no idea how to go about it. I see the traditional groups still in existence and I see that they are still dong the same stuff they've always done and I also see that it's not working.

I cannot be the only one (other than Richard Rothstein at queersighted) who is outraged and ready to mount a fight over this continual denial of our civil rights. I'd be wiling to bet that our illustrious President vetoes the Defense bill coming to his desk this week because it contains the Matthew Shepard Act. And I bet there is not one gay man or woman who takes to the streets as a result. I wish I could find someone to take that bet because I could use the money.

I am living a prime example. I am being forced to work in a hostile environment and no one can do anything to help me because there is no law to stop it. Why? you ask? Because I have no protections for my civil rights. Anyone can deny them to me under the guise of my sexual orientation and there is no recourse for me.

Yes, there is a new anti-discrimination law in my state (Kansas) and yes it could afford me some modicum of recourse. But at a constitutional level in Federal court, Nada, nothing. Why do we tolerate this?

Why do we do nothing to protect ourselves? Why do we allow others to trample on us simply because they hate something about us as though we deserved it? Why do we then ask for it to happen over and over while asking "May I have another please?"

Do we really believe we should be as hated as we are? Do we really believe what they're teaching their children and the rest of the world, that we're to be eradicated and barring that possibility to be reduced to nothingness? That it's ok to hate us because of who we love?

Did you choose to be gay? Did you wake one morning and make a conscious decision, knowing all the ramifications of such a decision, make up your mind to pursue a life that you knew was going to be fraught with battles, hatred, fearful lashing out from others, and constant tension with your family?

Did you do this with the intention of waging a battle against the "family values" that Republicans have so long preached as their own invention?

You know you didn't. I know you didn't. They don't care, is the whole point.

I wish I could stand up and make a difference in the lives of the men and women who fight this battle with me every single day and have some chance of winning.

I wish.

Love