running off to join the circus

I wasn't going to post today. I've had quite the busy day at work and all I can think of is my Friday martini. But I just spoke with a friend on the phone and the story he told me is so good I have to share.

He has to attend a party tonight he doesn't really want to go to, but feels obligated. Apparently he is acquainted with a lesbian couple one of whom just discovered her Sapphic origins, and shortly after meeting her newfound love, sold her law practice, and...wait for it...has joined the circus!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the lesbians are running off to join the circus.

I immediately decided that this will be the opening of my autobiography. Our protagonist will be found at the farewell party for the recently lesbianized, Juris Doctore, circus performers, who will now be living in a trailer with about 20 dogs.

My friend said it sounded surreal, confirming my conviction that this MUST be the opening of my book.

Sorry I can't write anymore I just outlined chapter 1.

Have a fabulous weekend!

Love

English, Gay politicians, Historic pictures

As a follow-up to my recent post about education being so ridiculous in this country I'd like to direct you to the blogosphere. Choose the subject of your choice, or better yet, just go to blogger.com and start browsing.

We don't know our own language!

The other day I ran across a blog from this guy in Chicago, and I won't identify him further, actually I shouldn't need to, but in one week he's used at least three colloquialisms that I am pleased he knows. After all he's 28 and he should know them, but what he doesn't know are the correct words to make those colloquialisms work.

For instance, yesterday he was ranting about people talking on their bluetooth headsets while in public men's rooms using the facilities. In the opening he says, that he saddled up to the urinal. He, of course, meant SIDLED, but he doesn't know that! In fact I'd bet he has no idea he used the wrong word, nor that sidled even exists or what it means. (personally I think anyone on a bluetooth headset in the can should meet with the same fate as the guy that Brad Pitt's character, Early Grayce took care of in the men's room in the film Kalifornia. That would be justice, I say!)

The other day I read a comment in a blog from someone who said they were thinking about things in the same matter as the author of the post. This person meant in the same MANNER, but they also obviously don't know that. WTF??? Who is teaching English out there??? I've got a Master's degree and I really want to teach and some dolt who can't get the fundamentals across to their students is holding my job hostage. And we all wonder why people are so stupid when we have the lamest excuses for teachers standing at the front of our classrooms.

I was just wondering yesterday if it really serves us to simply vote for political candidates just because they're gay. I suppose that there will be those who vote for Hillary Clinton because she's a woman, Barack Obama because he's genetically black, and John McCain because they're...well, stupid. But, voting for someone based on that criteria isn't really serving one's purpose, is it? Is it really making an informed decision based on the record and political history of a candidate when one looks at them and makes a decision based on knowing nothing more than "they're like me!" Well, maybe not.

Years ago I came very close to losing a friend over a vote. There was a gay candidate for Mayor in the city where I lived. Personally, I didn't like the guy, I thought he was well, a pompoid, and probably wouldn't have voted for him on that basis alone. However, he misrepresented his views. He told us he would do certain things we all were interested in accomplishing in the particular group I was with at the time. But this was not true. I found out later that this wasn't his intention at all, and his true purpose was to ingratiate himself with the local and regional folks at HRC so he could go to work for them. hmmm. I decided that I wouldn't vote for him.

A friend of mine went ballistic when I told him. How could I not vote for the only gay candidate we've ever had for mayor? "Well, because he's an ass and I don't believe he's going to do anything at all as Mayor, in fact I think he's out to promote himself." That's the best justification I could come up with, and I still think it's valid. The guy, no matter who he screws in private, was planning on screwing me right after securing my vote. So I declined that particular screwing, thanks anyway.

Knowing your candidates is how you make an informed decision. Letting your preconceived notions, your eyes, or your pastor, make those decisions for you...not so much.

Fred McDarrah has died. This is a big deal. He was the photographer for the Village Voice for many years through the 60's and 70's and photographed many of the most important historical moments of the 20th century. He is a legend and I'm sorry to see him go. Hopefully journalism will return to it's proper glory one day and we can finally pay those who did the job well and true the homage they deserve. Go see Fred's photo's. He saw it all and saved it for us to remember. From Stonewall to Mapplethorpe it's a life in pictures that should give you pause.

well...

I was going to post later, but I've had a really rare morning in the blogosphere, so I thought I'd share.

I'm adding two organizations to my annual charitable contributions list, though I'm not sure how that's going to work I already have 12 and one of them gets money each month, so adding more is going to change the formula a bit. I don't really think I'll be adding funds to the formula though. I think I give enough for now. But you should! In fact you should be involved in an organization that does for others in some way. It's good for them, for the community, and you as well. So get on the internet and find something that interests you and volunteer. Almost all of them will take any amount of time you're willing to give. But you really should do it. Give them money too, even $10 is a help. They really do good work. But remember giving to the United Way is in effect giving to the Salvation Army (they're one of the united way orgs)and they're known to turn away gay and lesbian people in need of help. So investigate before you donate. Be sure you're helping the people you want to help and not an organization that is only interested in helping those they think are moral enough to deserve it. I'm adding the "I am Collective" in L.A., it's a start up and I'm still in the investigation stage, so I'll let you know more as I do. It appears though that one of their goals is to mentor gay and lesbian youth. I sure wish I'd had someone to talk to when I was growing up. I always analogize my youth with the description that Ian Mckellan's character, "James Whale" used when describing his youth:

"They (his family) were like a family of farmers who'd been given a giraffe. They didn't know what to do with the damn thing except harness it to the plow."

So if the I Am Collective is going to attempt to unite the gay community globally I am all for it and will support it in any way I can. I bitch and complain about the United States daily,but when I stop to think about it,I realize that there are people being jailed, and beaten and even put to death just for being gay all over the world every day. The people in China standing up to be counted as GLBT citizens are the courageous ones. I'm just a whiner.

I'm also adding the Rainbow World Fund. They're apparently like the gay red cross, how fun is that?

The rare part of the morning was clicking on a link on someone's blog, I forget whose, and finding myself on the jockey underwear website watching people who entered a contest to win 5k for dancing in their underwear. I was speechless. Particularly at the black guy who dances like a white boy,(IN HIS BACKYARD) and the guy with the long hair who thinks bucking his hips is dancing. This is the easiest way to tell a straight boy, they think THAT is dancing. I pity the women in bed and/or on the dance floor with those guys.

The other rare moment was to read about some guys skin care regimen for his face. At first I thought I was finally experiencing the flashback I've waited 30 years for, but no, it was real. Ok, yes, I do have a skin care regimen,(I'm a gay man, hello!) and NO I'm not sharing it with you! If you're interested in that I am really not accomplishing what I set out to do here. But this guy went into detail, I now know what products he uses, where and when he uses them, and what he does to prepare for tomorrow in the event he is out late or at an event that stresses his skin... Seriously.

I've started an email correspondence with this woman in Lima, Peru who is expressing interest in having me come down there and teach a workshop in Theatre. I met her while researching ESL jobs there and suddenly she comes up with this. It's an interesting proposition. My Spanish will have to improve dramatically first though. We'll see. First, New Mexico, then the world...baby steps.

Oh! I forgot to mention Freewill Astrology's Gemini Horoscope this week.

"Do you have a pet pig? (I always know I'm in trouble when he starts off with a line like that)If so, it'll be a good week to imitate what Homer Simpson did in The Simpsons Movie: Hold your animal friend upside-down and help it simulate the act of creeping along the ceiling, all the while singing a "Spiderpig" version of the Spiderman theme song. And if none of that seems meaningful or relevant to you, please at least try to induce a lucid dream of yourself crawling along the inside of the vault in the Sistine Chapel, or hauling your luggage across the underside of a cloud, or gliding as slowly as a sloth out to the end of a big limb on an oak tree. You need action that's simultaneously high up and reversed, Gemini. You've got to be grounded yet rebellious as you soar. Or you need to defy gravity as you take baby steps. Or something like that."

Sometimes it takes all week to figure out what the fuck he's talking about, and by then it's either too late or I'm too tired to care.

I found my friend Joe Grant the horse trainer on the web, that was a happy thing. I emailed to see if we can work together again. He told me he'd teach me what he knows. I'll be lucky if I can figure out any of it, but it'll sure be fun to be working with horses again.

Today was our first morning with temps in the 20's, I'd left the sliding door open in my room and didn't realize the screen was open too. I got up about 6am and shut the door. About ten minutes later the blinds over the door started shaking and I thought, "Did I not get that thing closed all the way?" I got up to close it and that was when this creature darted in front of me at the foot of the bed. This is not the way to start the day. My first thought was "Damnit I've got a mouse. No, that was way too big to be a mouse." (a slight pause to get my wits about me, because screaming like a little girl and dancing around the apt at the very thought of a rat is not very dignified, let alone unwelcome noise for the neighbors to wake to) And then I realized that the blinds were shaking because the cat that is our apartment complex mascot had gotten in and was now trying to get out and was starting to get a little freaky since I'd shut the door. Sneaky bastard. He's outside now I assure you.

For those of you who immediately went to kitty Armageddon, that wasn't the way it went at all. I opened the door and talked nicely until he got the message that it was alright to walk past me and leave, which he did. That was it, so relax.

I learned yesterday that one can chat at work through google. I was working away and saw the little box appear in the bottom corner of my screen that normally signifies I've got an email. However, this time I realized it was my dear friend CC lurking down there in the corner. Yeah! Another device with which to wile away the hours I should be being productive and industrious.

But it truly is productivity time.

Love

I got it!

Last night I was lusting over my potential bike purchase and I had an epiphany. The enemy within post of last week...spending too much money so you can't afford to do the things you want to later, is the answer.

Duh!

I haven't spent too much money yet, but I was on the verge. Plans are being scaled back. It's quite the temptation to buy stuff and not have money later. We all fall for it from time to time. Hopefully I dodged a bullet. I'm sure that's not my only enemy within, but it's the one showing itself for now.

But today I want to complain yet again about organized religion.

I was reading this morning on Proceed at Your Own Risk about organized religions use of scripture to promote hatred and bigotry. Since the dawn of time religion has preyed on the fears and ignorance of man to further their agenda of hate. This is not news. It's simply a byproduct of a lack of education.

Education is thought to be the single most important factor to provide their children with a better life by parents in the United States. It is the single thing most neglected. No music, no history, no arts, no understanding of what has gone on before we were here and a complete repeat is in the offing. It's like the writer's strike hit education hardest.

I was recently listening to a cd of Manhattan Transfer, in which they are performing live. They encourage the audience to clap and dance during Tuxedo Junction. The audience has absolutely no idea what a downbeat is. They're clapping twice as fast as the song is going! We don't even teach our children what a downbeat is, how can we expect them not to repeat history? Yes history is boring, yes, history seems to have little to do with ones actual current existence.

Yes! It informs our decisions and our understanding of who we are as a nation, and how we got here, and how to go forward instead of spiraling ever downward in disastrous circles. How to progress, how to improve as human beings, how to learn to live with each other and celebrate our differences, because with them we all thrive and grow, and without them we all wither from sameness.

Most parents in the United States would pay higher taxes without complaint if their child’s education improved exponentially. But they do pay higher taxes and not only does the education not improve, it degrades!

Every President since Eisenhower has been billed, either through their own political machine, or through the media as the education President. None of them have done this! Not one of them has significantly improved education to a degree that would improve our standing as a literate nation. I say literate, as though that were an acceptable standard. It's pathetic.

No one knows how to construct a sentence, they don't know which words to use to convey their meaning. Then for than, now for know, the list goes on and on.

So if you're trying to promote an agenda of hate and intolerance, (God I hate that word.) ignorance is your friend. You would want people to be ignorant and fearful because that's the way to control them and get them to do your bidding. Make them hate because you're teachings of hatred are the only benevolence they've ever known. Lemmings will do what they're genetically programmed to do, all you have to do is nudge them in the right direction. Hatred derived of religion is making out like a bandit in this country nowadays.

Private education is a dangerous pitfall because the regulation does not restrict teaching hate! A school run by a religious organization can teach that African-Americans are evil because their skin is a different color than ours. That men who love men are evil because they love. That a religion that disagrees with them is evil simply because they disagree. Public education is a good idea in theory, but it's been highjacked by people who can't find the door, let alone a good sentence. Public education panders to the lowest common denominator so there's "no child left behind" (please) and the one's who suffer are those who are intelligent. Those who could and would excel given the opportunity are dragged down to the level of the lowest achiever because that's what the system is geared to do.

It needs to be rethought. It needs to be redesigned. It needs to teach every single child to excel at their own pace and to help them do so. That's the only way to keep the fanatics who teach and practice hate from taking over completely.

I'm going to borrow a quote from Richard Rothstein to finish up because I don't have better words than his today.

"The Evangelicals have forgotten that the great prophets were constantly arguing with God. Moses himself was a cranky old bastard. And sometimes, the prophets even won the argument. So maybe God let them win, but He was reinforcing their obligation to think for themselves. And that is the Judeo-Christian [idea] upon which this nation is based, not blind obedience to tele-evangelists."

Obsession

No I'm not talking about a boat. But that is, I am told, the number one name requested for boats in North America. This obsession however, hits much closer to home. Im talking about bicycles.

This insidious compulsion reared its ugly head in my life some 15 years ago. I was 35 and starting to see that there was some need in my life for physical exertion so I could stay looking as good as possible as long as possible. Yes, this all started out of my own vanity, now WHO is surprised by that? Unfortunately I didn't do my homework and it has taken over my life. Well, not taken over, but it certainly gets a lot of my attention. I am now an endorphin junkie and bikes are my works. God this is better than AA! "Hello, I'm Defective and I'm a bikeaholic." Phew! Thank God that got said.

I wound up in my current situation through circumstance.

Almost three years ago my adoptive father developed pneumonia and spent a few days in hospital (I'm trying out the british slang, I'm not sure I like it)and on his release he was prescribed steroids as part of his recovery regimen. Those who've known him for years as I have, know that steroids are not good for him. They make him a little crazy-er...than...normal. Which is to say he says and does things he lives to regret.

One day I was digging and planting a flower bed in his yard while he watched. He'd been in the house for weeks, it was a nice day and he came outside while I worked and sat with me, telling me all the while how he would have done it better. But he did like the results because,the process overtook his drug hazed mind and he became obsessed,(hmmm) with the notion that I should become a landscaper. This resulted in an immediate offer of $10k to start my own landscaping business.

1.) I know nothing about landscaping. I was just digging a flowerbed.
2.) I have paper thin lilly white skin and have to wear sunscreen #8 to bed. I have no business working outdoors. I was genetically engineered to live in an Irish peat bog.
3.) I have three degrees in the humanities, I am a librarian, I teach college, I have drawers full of awards for my work, what would possess anyone to think I needed to change careers?
4.) Steroids are not this mans friend.


I declined the generous offer to bankroll his idea of what should be my new career. But! I told him, if he really wanted to do something for me, he could pitch in and help me finish paying for the new bike I wanted for my birthday in a couple of months. He agreed.

Ok, I told you that story so I could tell you this one.

As you know, I am 50, and at that time I was just turning 48. So the kid in the bike store was selling some old guy a bike and a slow-ass, clunky, falling apart, always in the shop, hate it with a passion, Trek 1000C was what I wound up with. I will never own another Trek bicycle even if Lance Armstrong comes to my house weekly for the rest of my life and offers me sexual favors as part of the deal.
Not happening!

I have suffered through two seasons with this albatross and I cannot wait to be rid of it. Which brings me back to the obsessive thing I was talking about earlier.

I am looking at new bikes.

To hell with furniture, I want a new bike.

I am looking at a Bianchi. Italian made,cro-moly frame,campangolo components, 120 years in business, excellent ride. I am truly in love. Now in the interest of full disclosure I am looking at the $5000 model. I could, perhaps, be talked into the $2500 model, and will likely, if I buy one at all, wind up with the $1000 model. One must temper desires to the reality of their need to eat and live indoors. I hate that.



Here it is. Can you hear the angels in the background "AAAHHH!" I can.

Pathetic huh?


No I do not like the color, but that's their signature paint job. Little I can do about that.

I'll be drooling over this thing for weeks, I may make this picture my desktop here at work. Here's hoping I have the willpower to save my pennies to get one soon.

Perhaps more later, right now a Monday morning crisis.

No one in my dept showed up this morning and there is a conference in ten minutes that requires internet access and teleconferencing in the computer lab. None of which I have ever set up here. This should be interesting.

Love

parallels

Yesterday Daniel the guy in the Desert blog featured this picture.

His caption was:

"He's not quite gorgeous enough to make me believe, but more than gorgeous enough to make me play along..."



Did you ever believe there was a parallel universe? I think Del is living in mine.


Today is all about organization. And I'm not organized at all. I woke up a little late and I fear the whole day will reflect that.

But I'd be willing to bet that tomorrow the sun rises and the birds chirp.

I noticed this morning that Nancy and George are fighting again. I hope I don't have to separate those two.

They both need to shut the hell up and get to work. There are problems to solve and squabbling like little kids for the cameras doesn't do much for me.

Still looking for ways to overcome apathy and attract actors to my staged reading program here at the library. I think I'll have to go out and beat the bushes a little at first. Next week I think a trip to the commuinity colleges is in order.

I have little planned for the weekend. A little jaunt with my brother to visit my aunt. Then it's ride horses and make pots all weekend. There is a band at the blues club by my apt that I want to hear so that may be where I spend Saturday evening. A couple of weeks ago I went a little crazy and indulged my watch fetish. So I have three watches that need the bands shortened this weekend and that's a project I have to undertake if I have a good eyesight day.

I've noticed recently that the fashion among lots of men is to wear an outrageously expensive watch.

I got no problem with that!

I love watches and since I don't wear any other jewelry it's fun to shop for them. Well, until the credit card bills come anyway.

Last week it was a Seiko, a Swiss Army watch and on a more practical note a Timex. Though I wonder why I bought that one. I can't seem to wear any watch for my daily use except the Swiss Army I've had for several years. It doesn't hurt that the red face and white hands are easy to read.

I do want a Movado and a Tag Heuer though. I'd say if I manage not to indulge the recent fascination I have developed for new furniture I'll get at least one of those for Christmas. I think I may need to stop at like ten or twelve watches. It may be getting our of hand at that point.

New furniture though. That is something I should look at. I've had this stuff for like ten or twelve years and though it's still in good shape. I've spent a lot of hours on that couch and it may just be time to re-think it's place in my life.

Well, the question is decided for now, holiday travel is staring me in the face, so furniture is a moot point. Besides, wasn't I just a while back talking about divesting myself of all those material goods and moving to Santa Fe without encumbrance? I'm sure that was me.

Watches can go in the pocket of a suitcase. Couches take a little more room than that.

Well,like George and Nancy I need to shut the hell up and get to work.

Love

huh?

The silence from my previous post is deafening. I realize that not all of you may be gay, but some of you are. Some of you little kitten lovers, out there who, came to know yourselves late in life, perhaps. Some of you who were married, who can tell tales that would make my hair curl. Which is quite a feat considering how the last 50 years have gone.

But the point of today's post is my puzzlement over my latest horoscope from freewill astrology, and my tarot cards, and all that stuff. I keep getting told that I need to acknowledge the "enemy", or the "demons", or the things in myself that I do not like,to bring them slowly into the light and they will be disarmed.

Huh?

Well, the universe is being pretty obtuse on this one. Either that or I am, because I don't get it. Due to this info I am now questioning if I really am as fine as i think I am.

I mean, I have a good job, that I like, and it's secure. I have another job that starts in January, and it's a part time version of my dream job. In fact there were people in my pottery class who were very excited yesterday when they found out I was going to be an adjunct there. They've always made me feel incredibly welcome, and I'm pleased to know that people find my presence a welcome thing. So I don't think THIS is an area of concern. Lord has his thing made me neurotic or what?

I am still planning on relocating. I do of course need a job before I can do that, and as long as things keep happening here that are positive I'll hang out. I figure sometime in 2008 I'll need to start thinking about an apt an Santa Fe.

I love my apartment. The building and the grounds could stand a little sprucing up, but inside that apartment I am happy as a clam. Particularly since the guy upstairs broke up with his mean girlfriend. She correctly assumed I was the one complaining about her being noisy up there and was doing things to get a rise out of me. Being no rookie at this I let her hang herself with her other neighbors and though she could have fixed the situation without much effort, she chose to leave. WOOHOO!! Silence again! So the home front is golden.

I'm making pots, and that's a big deal to me. I love it. In fact last night I had quite a good night at the studio, I only made a couple of things, but I was very happy with them. I'm not selling much yet, but it's not about that at this point. I'm also setting up a studio in my garage so I can throw more often than once or twice a week until I get better at it.

I ride my bike as much as the weather will allow, and at this point in the year that time is declining, but I will continue to ride until I absolutely can't because of the cold. This keeps me reasonably healthy and lowers stress, so it's a good thing for my physical as well as emotional health. During the winter I'll go to the gym in my apartment complex.

I take three vacations a year, not to mention the fact that my office is closed for ten days over the Christmas and new years holidays and I travel then too. So what's up with this?

Financially, I'm not dancing in the streets, but the bills are paid every month on time and there's plenty left over to pay the housekeeper the laundry service, and to have the car washed weekly, not to mention going out for an evening every week if I have the energy. In fact the last three months I've had some sort of issue that caused me to have to fork over an additional sum I hadn't budgeted for and I've always made it so far, which means I'm puzzled. Savings isn't at the level I'd like, but considering that in many (OK most)years past there was no savings..at all, I can't say this is bad.

I've met and continue to see a guy that I like. We're not in any way a couple, in fact we had the discussion the other day that it's important for us both to remember what this "relationship" is about lest one of us gets confused. But he's fun and I like having him around from time to time. So that area of life is handled for the time being.

Spiritually I spend an hour each day doing yoga and meditating, and that keeps stress levels from getting too high when I find myself obsessing about stuff(like now), again an area I feel is handled.

I take classes, I work an additional part time job. I am trying to renew my contact with a local horse trainer so I can learn about that and ride horses too. I see my friends at least once a week, or they'd mutiny. I can't see all of them as often as I'd like, but I talk to one on the phone at work at least once a week, and I see others for brunch on Sunday, or lunch on Saturday. I email, talk on the phone with and spend a lot of Saturday mornings with my brother, my only relative as far as I am concerned. I go to the theatre, the symphony, and fundraising stuff as often as possible not only so I can participate in the community, but also to be around people. I don't much like them(people in general), but I am told it's a good idea to talk to them sometimes. So I do.

I volunteer with the a local organization that helps people of low incomes to keep up their houses and do minor repair work for them. I've been asked to be a participant in a local program on our NPR station about nonfiction books, so if that comes to pass I'll be involved in that as well.

From time to time I find that I think, in disparaging terms about my former family, and the terrible things they've done to me. But our estrangement has only come about in the last year, so I think it'll take some time before I get to the point I don't dream about seeing them boiling in oil on my balcony. I suppose that could be considered to be a thing of darkness that I need to bring into the light, but I think of it as being human and dealing with massive hurt from people I trusted and tried to help. So I think I'm allowed to fantasize about them being characters in SawIV. I'll get over it. The longer I don't see them, the better it'll get.

I'm about to lose the last of my adoptive mother's siblings. Dorothy is 81 and has found out her colon cancer has returned and it appears her time is short. I'm very very sorry to hear it, but Dorothy has literally outlived two of her children, both of her husbands, her parents, all of her siblings, and a couple of her nephews! She has had a hell of a run! Yes, she's had her share of tragedy, losing two children who were still in diapers within two years of each other, and losing her first husband at 42. But she's also spent over 30 years with the love of her life, raised and cared for a son who is developmentally disabled, who survives at 60 very well thank you, and she's traveled to Hawaii, the only place to go according to her, over 26 times. She's enjoyed her life more than all of her siblings put together. I will miss Dorothy, and I love her, but she's had a good long run and I can't see her going out with many regrets, she's not the type. And I don't look at death as a bad thing. It's part of life, we all have to do it, we all come to an end, and we all better make the best of the time we have here like she did. So I don't really see this as one of the "dark" things I need to pay attention to.

All in all I guess I just have to wait and see what my horoscope is talking about. I think I live a full and rewarding life. I could stand to have a man to share it with, but there isn't a store to go to to select a man off the rack. So on that score I have to just live my life and if I run across him that's great, if not I can't sit around waiting for him, there's too much to do in this life.


I try to be respectful of others,I try to stay of of others business, particularly since I got plenty of my own. And though I will no longer be a caregiver..to anyone, I do my best to empathise with people throughout my day. I don't think I hold any malice or ill will toward others, well, a little here and there, but not enough to spend a lot of time and energy on. I'm sure there are those who wish me ill, but that's not my problem it's theirs. I think the worst I get in a normal day is to hope that someone will get a ticket for tailgating me so I can gloat while they do. I think that's pretty normal. Basically I have no idea what this horoscope thing is talking about so...

The mystery will continue.


Oh! I'm learning Spanish too! Buenos Dias, mi amigos!

Embarrassment

Well yet again I have to admit to being human, and I REALLY hate that.

But! I was just reading Richard Rothsteins blog over at Proceed At Your Own Risk and I was reminded that October is Queer History Month. How could I have forgotten? I used to go on and on ad nauseum about it to anyone who'd listen, which is probably the reason I forgot, there are fewer and fewer listeners these days.

He makes many excellent points as usual, and extols the virtues of knowing and remembering where we came from. All of which is spot on. I seldom read his posts without thinking "I wish I'd thought of that."

However, for our purposes here, I'd like to conduct a little experiment. I know there aren't many of you, maybe 20 or so. But you are scattered throughout the world. From the U.S to France, to Malaysia, to India. (Yes, I have google analytics now, so I know where you are.) But I know nothing else about you.

I want to know and document your queer experiences. I want to know what it means to you to be a homosexual in this world. So tell me. You can use the comments section here if you wish, or you can email me at: Hephaestion0526@gmail.com if you wish to remain anonymous. I will retain the right, without naming names of course, to publish excerpts here for purposes of my discussion on the subject.

I am fortunate enough to be the third generation queer in my family, and though it is something I know, I never heard any of the history, or the stories, from my uncle. He was incapable of discussing it. I shall regret not knowing that always. Frank Wiley didn't lead a remarkable life, but he deserves to be remembered and acknowledged as a queer who lived and died in the midwest in the middle of the 20th century. He worked as a laborer his entire life, and I have to wonder how it was for him. He never told me. I think we should tell others that we exist. If for no other reason than to comfort future generations of queers.

I think we need to keep records, I think, if there isn't one already, there should be a queer library, as it were. There is a wealth of music, art, literature that's relevant and in fact pertinent to our existence, and as we all know, no one will preserve it unless we do. I guess that's just the librarian in me, but there is always a successive generation that needs, in many ways, to know they're not alone, that we have passed before them, and suffered many of the same trials they will. So they will not feel so alienated. So they won't feel so alone.

I think we forget sometimes that there will be future generations of queers and that we need to make provision for their health and well-being. Particularly for their inclusion in a culture that all too often is forgotten shortly after the person in question takes their last breath.

Let's start keepng records for ourselves, let's start a diary, if you will. Let's leave a record of our existence.

Let's start with coming out stories. Tell us yours. If you haven't come out, tell us why and what you plan to do about it. Feel free to tell any queer stories you wish, just make them about life and living, there is enough gay porn in this world, let's gear this discussion toward living as a queer.

Why? Why?? WHY???

Do you ever wonder why things happen in a certain way at a certain time? Is the universe trying to tell you something? Is it trying to prepare you for something?

Well, here I am in the throes of planning my permanent departure from this city to a place I intend to stay forever, and suddenly the dam breaks and opportunities suddently rear their glorious heads.

I've been offerd an adjunct teaching job, which I've been seeking for over four years, and last month I was asked to develop a staged reading of a book for the youth services department at the library where I work. In a meeting today I find out it's possible that this could become my job here at this particular organization should I choose to develop it.

DAMN IT!!!

Now I have to make decisions. I hate decisions. It's so much easier to let the universe dictate your actions and live accordingly. It's less predictable and certainly less secure, but it takes all the guesswork out of it if you're just reacting to circumstances. That appears not to be an option I can exercise at this point in my life. I hate that. I'm being ironical of course, I love the possibilities that are presenting themselves and I love the idea that I have options and can choose what I want to do and how to make it happen. I feel very fortunate.

I do however still want to move to Santa Fe and get started there, but of course that little voice says to me, "What if this new stuff is all about developing possibilities that you can then use to your advantage to sell yourself to Santa Fe? What if this is going to lead you to a place where you actually can live in Santa Fe, AND teach part of the year in South America like you want to? What if this is a path you've been trying to open up for a long time and paying it it's proper due is going to pay off for you in the long run? What if you wind up staying here and developing a successful program that includes education, theatre, teaching, and some of the other things that you're passionate about?" I wish that little voice would shut the hell up.

See, I was all prepared to blog about the Prime Minister of Cambodia and what a fool he is for cutting off his adopted lesbian daughter,(hmm sounds familiar)and then saying that homosexuals can't help it if they're born that way. I suddenly felt as if I had a disability. Does this mean I can park near the door now? Idiot.

Is the concept of unconditional love impossible to grasp? Can someone not just love their child and accept who they are? Do they have do demonstrate their displeasure by withholding material goods from that child? Is that what they're all about? I'm sure this woman talked to her father in people, and he talked back in material goods, I can guarantee it. People like him are universally hung up about stuff,not people, stuff, believe me I know firsthand.

I truly wanted to rave about this moron, but now I have to be neurotic about all this other stuff. What to do, what to do.

I think I can do both.

puzzled, rested, yet puzzled

I have returned to work from vacation and it took most of today to even begin catching up. My boss had told me she'd cover things while I was gone, and apparently in her language that means she'll leave it for me when I return. So blogging has taken a backseat for the day...so far.

I am however, perplexed by the notion that telling young saggers that "to sag is to be a fag" (which is basically what they're apparenty being told in Dallas), will get them to pull up their pants. One may want to sag but never to be a fag is the message. Nice. Tell more people that we're heinous just to solidify that idea in their minds so we perpetuate the ignorance that this country thrives on. Good Idea, and it came from Texas imagine that.

I'm now looking at Argentina, what the hell, we're headed for isolation or concentration camps anyway so I may as well try a new country. I saw a job at the Universidad de Argentina the other day. I may just apply see what happens.

Oh and the Catholics (Grrr!) in Iowa, (ahem) are calling for a same-sex marriage ban. Now, what if we proposed a constitutional amendment that Catholics, actually being Vaticanites, and therefore not actually citizens of The United States, were to register as aliens with the INS, which, of course, would immediately limit their rights to vote, since they're not technically citizens? Hmmm? I wonder how loud the hue and cry would be then?

The good Catholics, never my favorite people, at the parish where I went to grade school recently terminated the employment of their Church Music director because he came out as gay. These particular parshoners are assholes, as were their ancestors and it just goes on and on in the same swirling gene pool.

Now, I ask you, has there EVER been a male music director at a Catholic Church who WASN'T gay? I suppose it's possible but in my experience...no. And I went to Catholic High school and College as well, so my experience isn't limited.

I wake up in this country every single day of my life feeling so welcome I can hardly contain the love and positive energy I feel from the populace.

I've done everything I'm doing for today. Go save the world on your own, I'm tired, and to quote the Countess de Lave, "Fetch me a bromide...and put some gin in it."


Love

just a bit more

Nicholas Gonzales. Happy Friday!

Well, vacation will be officially over today. It was fun, and next month we start the holiday season in which I get to have a lot of time to myself, yahoo!

Oh I wanted to comment a little more on my Colin Farrell post yesterday. Actually I wanted to beat up on him some more. "A Home At The End of the World" now there's Colin's early career nod to gaydom. It's sort of gay in that his character, in youth, got caught getting a hand job from his best friend. Yawn! Of course this movie is alright because the gay character ends up dead at the end. Well not dead, but well on the way. It's the American way of film and theatre. Gay people only wind up crazy or dead. Unless you count "The Talented Mr. Ripley" in which you get both. It's so exciting.

I wonder if you can wind up dead because you're gay and surrounded by crazy people? Well, I'll never know from personal experience. I banished the crazies long ago and lest I turn to a pillar of salt I shant look back.


The new heater arrived yesterday for the studio, so I'm off to get that setup and spend the rest of the day throwing. I feel like Will Truman when it comes to pottery I keep talking about it, yet there's no evidence I actually do it. So to send you on the merry weekend way here's a picture from my portfolio.

Love

fucking colin farrell

Which is not to say I'd like to fuck Colin Farrell. In fact the opposite is true. I was just forced to lay here with this miserable cold I apparently contracted while riding my bike in the chill the other day, and watch Alexander. What a piece of shit.

Has this guy EVER been in a watchable movie? S.W.A.T.? Miami Vice? oh, wait, I know! That tribute to overacting....."Ask the Dust" which surprisingly was worse than Alexander.

How does this guy keep working? I am still looking for a movie with him in it to be worth my time. It amazes me.

Well I hope this cold starts to get better quick because we still have some finish work to do on the christmas in october house this weekend and I promised I'd be there.

Also I apparently have been offered a job to teach an intro class this spring, so woohoo! Teaching experience. Sorry for the lack of enthusiasm, but it's hard to get interested in much today.

I was listening to some guy this morning on Democracy Now who apparently volunteers to travel the world and do humanitarian work. I felt like a selfish slug. But I think that's what the item was meant to do.

Well it's obviously nap time.

To borrow a phrase, "Come stick pins tomorrow dear, I'll be more responsive."

the prodigal returneth

I love vacation. I think one should be able to vacate at will. Life would be so much better.

I went to Des Moines for a horsemanship clinic with Clinton Anderson, who could do a lot fewer gay jokes in my estimation, but nonetheless is still pretty fucking good with a horse. He did say that he tries to get women to be less passive and men to be less aggressive and since that is his criteria in working with horses that gay men should be the best horse trainers in the world. Have to agree with you on that one aussieboy.

Met some very nice people at the clinic who invited me to ride with them Sunday. So we all skipped out on Anderson and went to their place and rode for hours, it was incredible. They insisted I stay the night and put me up in this trailer on their farm. It was great because I snore so loudly I was horrified at the idea they'd make me sleep in their house. So the trailer was a great relief.

On Saturday night I went to a restaurant and since it was so crowded I sat at the bar to eat, where I met two women who were fun to talk to. Well, one of them was fun to talk to. The other was, hmmm, shall we say, self-absorbed. She need me to know that she'd owned the florist in Des Moines that was the one chosen to provide the flowers for Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood in Bridges of Madison county, which I totally doubt since almost everyone I met during that time frame claimed to be some sort of extraneous staff to that film.. If it's all true they'd never have gotten the damn thing in on budget. Anyway, she also had to tell me she'd started college at 16, like I needed to know. The thing that puzzled me was, if she finished high school early what took four years to finish college? I would think if you could do one in three years you could do the other in the same time frame. I didn't believe that one either. Then she told me she was writing a book and since I was a librarian, (I have discovered that if you work at a library you're a librarian, even if you're not.) that she needed to pick my brain about poisons, since she was killing alot of people in the book she was writing. Another puzzling thing was that she was supposed to be so smart and so bookie, but she didn't know that deadly nightshade is belladona. Now, I'm no expert on poisons, and it's a good thing since I'd have probably done in a couple of people over the years if I'd known anything, but even I know where belladona comes from. This was about when she told me I was the most interesting person she'd met in a long time. This is when the alarm bells finally went off.

1.) This woman hasn't a clue who she is talking to. She thinks if she keeps this up she's gonna get some. Um HELLO!!

2.) How sad is it that I am the most interesting person she's met in a long time. Would that I were as captivating as all that. Alas, folks I got a mirror and I hear what I say when I talk. I'm not THAT interesting. And telling me isn't the way to whatever she was trying to get anyway. Poor thing.

The other woman was much more fun. She nailed old miss self absorbed over and over and shortly after figuring out I was gay and neither of them had a shot at me, she took her leave. Too bad too, she was much more fun to talk to.

But I dealt with old self absorbed for a while longer, had my desert and coffee and hit the road for the HORRIBLE motel I was staying in. The motel at which they couldn't find my reservation, then tried to give me a room anyway, for which they were going to charge me and I refused to take it since I knew I'd be charged for the res I'd already made and then I'd have to fight with them about two charges. The motel in which the high class clientele stood in the hall and talked at the top of their lungs at 2:45 AM. I was not enchanted. The motel in which someone never met a door they wouldn't slam at 6am. I cannot wait until I get the survey for THAT stay. I'm oh so looking forward to filling that out. Thankfully the horse people saved me from that flophouse.

Monday I woke early, since these people were incredibly early risers, and I mean early, these folks were up and about at 4:15 am. I didn't mind though I was able to partake of their huge breakfast and thank them profusely and hit the road for Chicago and my date with the windy city. I really had fun there. (they still drink bad coffee in the country though. ick!)

After passing on what appeared to be a very kind offer on the part of a cowboy at the clinic, and I mean VERY kind, and also passing on the flat out offer I got from my waiter Sunday morning I was very gratified to arrive in Chicago to my usual reception. Why I am a hit in that town I'll never understand, but every single time I get to the city limits I'm getting hit on. Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you. So Chicago turned out to be rife with opportunity and I felt VERY welcome as always, thank you.

I spent Monday afternoon wandering all over the Art Institute and as always it was wonderful. Love that place. Then I looked for a motel. OH MY GOD!!! I stayed at a Super 8 in Schaumburg and it was STILL almost $200 a night. For that kind of money I expect someone IN the bed when I arrive. Foolishly, I had entertained the notion that since it was just one night and I deserved a treat I'd stay at the Drake. Yeah, right. Try $427 a night. After I refused treatment from the paramedics I headed for the suburbs.

I arrived home today refreshed and ready for the rest of my week off. I shall ride, make pots, and read a lot. I have all kinds of ideas for posts here. I hope I remember them all.

One thing I do remember is that I prefer the term poof to fag. No one called me any names on the trip I was just thinking one day...



I love the term poof

why did we start letting people call us fags and not poofs. Shit call me a big ole poof anyday.

it's so civilized,

Oooooh! That's why it didn't stick here, it's civilized and this is America. Where we have a Cro-magnon for President.

Why would poof stick in our slang.

Well Maybe Hilary can send Barack out as part of his VP duties to start calling us poofs again. That's a very fun image. A big jug eared black man calling gay men poofs. The secret service would be sooo busy keeping that guy from getting his ass kicked, yes, yes.


Love

The rules at Positronics

I"M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

But first, something for your prurient interests.















I just love Tim Daly, always have. Be thankful I didn't include the butt shot. This movie was singularly horrible. Well, no, according to Richard Rothstein over at queersighted.com there is a movie more horrible than Dr. Jekyll/Ms. Hyde, and it's called Coffee Date.

He says it's a gay romantic comedy,(kill me now)that shows that we gays( gay, by the way, is NOT a noun!) deal with the daily frustrations of life just as everyone does and that we're all people. Logo TV apparently produced this thing. I think gay TV is a great idea. But so far it's much like Will Truman, it only talks about being gay-

If this is kind of movie is the example, I take back everything I said yesterday.

Now back to the rant.

Blogger is managing to piss me off this morning, I hit preview, it posts. Ah technology.

Speaking of technology, the robots at at&t/cingular/at&t, managed to take my phone payment out last month...TWICE!

Of course, here we are a month later and I now owe them for another month and they simply can't understand why I refuse to give them anymore money until they find the money THEY ALREADY HAVE.

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.


I think they forgot to put the rules in the positrons at at&t.

The story today is that they mailed a check on the 3rd.

A check??? Who the hell deals with checks anymore? They could take the money electronically, but they have to give it back by corking up a bottle and floating it down the river to me. "You should have it today or tomorrow."

Apparently they do have rule 3.

I feel like Michael Douglas in The Game.

There are piles of stuff in this office to be done before I go on vacation at 4:30, and I am blogging. Fuck it.

Many hours later-

Ok, well I just looked at my own blog and realized I got all caught up in getting things ACCOMPLISHED before going on vacation, and I neglected to post. WHAT could I have been thinking? I'll post now.

I'm vacating for the next week. You may hear from me daily, hourly, or not at all. We'll see.

Love

Log Cabins in the misogynistic woods

First a little business.

The geezers in the previous post, I am told by my friend Kenne in Hawaii, are from the Log Cabin Republican website. He thought I'd hate this, and though I suppose that's a realistic assumption knowing me and my "love" of all things republican, I didn't actually hate it. I went to the Log Cabin website and looked around. I felt I owed them that much since they're fighting the good fight from their own perspective, and since I know so little about it I shouldn't start in on them until I do. Though I agree with very little of the notion that one can be gay and republican in this political atmosphere I realize that most gay republicans hold to the original ideals and intentions of their party and are fighting for those ideals not the ones represented in the current administration.

But remember this folks, Lincoln is long dead, and the things your party teaches are not the same anymore. I know too that the Kennedy's, and Roosevelt, and Truman are dead, and that the things the Democrats once stood for are fast disappearing as well in the sea of apathy that is congress today. So perhaps we need an overhaul. Maybe it's time for those who still hold to the ideals that, all "men" are created equal start new parties that actually do reflect what we believe, and what we know we can accomplish. We've had new parties before and the country didn't crumble, so don't fear that I'm preaching anarchy. Who the hell has the energy for that anymore? But we can make changes,and we can make a difference,we just gotta wanna.

That having been said it's a great way to segue into my post today.

I just read a post that was talking about dealing with misogyny in America. How does that work? How do you eliminate something that is so ingrained in a culture that even those being denigrated find the subject amusing?

A couple of years ago I took a conversational Spanish class, and one of the ways the instructor broke the ice with the class was to make jokes. Most of those jokes were not about women, but about how funny it is for someone to act or be like a woman. The class was mostly women, and even the women laughed. One evening we were having a discussion about those kinds of things and I brought it up. One of the women was incensed. "You never heard me laugh at a joke like that!" She was getting agitated. I said, "Sorry, but you did." All this guys jokes had to do with women, men acting like women, how funny it was that being feminine meant being something less than, and those women laughed.

Because that is what we're taught to do.

Milton Berle built a career off the notion that a man dressing as a woman is laughable. Even the women laughed.

Let's not see a woman dressed as a man! That's immediately suspect. Why would she want to impersonate a man? Does that threaten us somehow? Does the thought of a woman posing as a man instill fear in us? Does it upset the balance of our universe?

For that matter, does an effeminate man,i.e. a man who would be with another man intimately pose some sort of threat that makes them laugh nervously? I've always noticed that the best defense men have against gay men is that we're less than because we're attracted to men. Because we'd "subjugate" ourselves to a man sexually. This makes a person less than somehow. They wink and they nod to each other as though there is some inside joke only shared by straight men about us. Like they have some secret knowledge we cannot possess because we're less than them.

I have some friends whom I love dearly. They have two children, and once, perhaps twice, I really don't remember, I sat with their children while they went out for the evening. I'm not much of a sitter, because frankly, I'm not much for kids, and everyone knows this. But for these people, who've been such good friends for almost two decades, I did it.

One of the first things that happened was that the youngest child climbed up on the couch with me and snuggled next to me and nodded off to sleep. Well, let's say I was shocked. I laid there wondering where this child could have gotten the impression that THIS was something he should feel free to do with ME. My first instinct was to put him down, or to get up myself. But I feared this would give him the idea that I didn't care for him, which is not true, I love those boys as if they were my own, so there I stayed. Frozen with some foolish adult notion that this was wrong and shouldn't be happening, and somehow ignoring the fact that this child was just being close to someone he trusted and loved.

But looking back I have to wonder if there wasn't another reason I stayed on that couch. I was acutely aware at that moment that the child's father was standing just behind me in the other room watching this little moment, and I also knew he was troubled by it.

Now, these are people who love me...But!

They're troubled by my being physically close to their child. Being the defiant S.O.B. I am I stood my ground waiting for Dad to come put a stop to this, but he didn't. I suppose that's to his credit, yet, to this day I am still troubled by it.

It made me know I am less than in the eyes of people whose opinion I value, it reminded me that this lack of regard for someone "feminine" is so ingrained in our culture that even someone you love and care about is suspect at times.

If we're ever going to progress as a society, as a culture of people who learn that the color of your skin, the shape of your anatomy, the desires in your heart make no difference in the person you are, we have to start with the notion that no one is laughable because of who they are.

If anyone, is regarded as less than, we are in jeopardy. We are not living those things we supposedly hold so dear in this christian society that, and trust me, I'll be paraphrasing here because I'm attempting to quote the bible and I am no scholar on that subject, "Whatever you did for the lesser of my brothers you did for me." Well, if you hold women, homosexuals, and people of color to be less than you, why would you not behave as though that bible quote wasn't impetus to improve those relationships, and bring you nearer to that God you use to beat everyone up with so regularly?

Maybe then the laughter would stop and we'd start to deal with each other seriously as though we all matter.

As we grow older we simply become more of who we are. Those who are concerned about their macho image become bigger blowhards, those who are obsessive complusive get really ramped up, those of us who prefer isolation withdraw even more, the narcissistic get closer to their mirrors, and those who believe that there are people in this world who are less than they are get really wrapped up in their superiority.

That child knew who loved him and cared about him and whom he trusted. The adults paid no attention to his wisdom, as usual. Perhaps if we did we'd see that none of us are laughable, because of our differences. That those differences are the most important things about us.

Let's conduct an experiment. Just try to make note of how many times in the next seven days you make a judgement, a joke, a snide remark, even to yourself, based on the knowledge or the assumption that someone is less than because they're feminine, or homosexual, or have different color skin than you do. Don't tell me the results I don't want to know. But let's see if it makes you aware of the problem.

Then perhaps I won't be able to note that even the women laughed.

Even the women laughed.

I did it!

I don't know who these geezers are but it's nice to see them together, and it's nice to see two men embracing. We should all embrace more.

Well, the title of this entry just turned out to be true. I did do it. I posted before I blogged. No clue how that happened, but I hope it's not indicative of the rest of the day. I've got too much on my plate to have that going on.

But what I was referring to initially was that I came out to someone yesterday. I decided a few months ago that I wanted to pay off my credit card. I don't owe that much but it's a nuisance to pay on it every month. So I looked around and found a job as a cashier at a grocery. I figure it's a job I won't have any compunction about quitting when the time comes.

But last night I was talking with this woman I work with, and through a series of conversational faux pas she managed to give me the perfect opportunity to come out to her. I did, she didn't know what to say. I thanked her for fulfilling my duty to the day, and that as far as I am concerned was that.

I was honestly surprised that at my advanced age I had to come out to anyone, but it apparently is still necessary and I was happy about it.

You Should Be With an Earth Sign!

Your best match is a Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn Why? You like your guys to pamper, wine, and dine you Not that you're a gold digger, you just like the finer things An Earth Sign will go all out to woo you - and enjoy doing it And you'll never find a more trustworthy or loyal match!

What Sign Guy Should You Date?

I just learned that a kid named Anthony Fortunato was convicted of manslaughter and hate crimes for luring a guy to his motel room and trying to rob him. This particular guy fought back got shoved into traffic and run over. He was removed from life support several days later and died.

Apparently the jury had trouble with the hate crimes issue. Figures. But my favorite quote was that "No one thought he (Fortunato) was a bad kid." Huh????

Oh yeah he was a saint! He lures guys to his motel room to rob them because they're easy targets cause they're fags, one of those guys gets killed and Fortunato tries to claim he wasn't committing a hate crime cause he's gay himself, which his friends all completely disprove. What a guy. This is proof positive that people simply do not think. I am not sure if it's because they don't want to, or if they're incapable of coherency, but it mystifies me.

Al Gore won the Nobel Prize this morning, very well deserved. Too bad no one is listening to him either. A woman I work with is still convinced he's going to step into the Presidential race now. She's nice, but delusional. I think Al is done with politics. And now he certainly doesn't need the money.

I have the Christmas in October house volunteer thing tomorrow, and after that I'm going out with my brother to play for a while. After that I'll probably sit at home and try to catch up on reading. I'm still woefully behind. The last two evenings I've only gotten like 20 pages read. I have to move a little faster than that. (addendum) I was just across the street getting a shot in the dark to help me stay awake while restoring the disaster my boss inflicted on us all yesterday when she tried to copy a program to the test server and accidentally put it in the production server instead. Everything I've done all week is gone. I either have to recreate it or do it over again from scratch, and everyone is in the same boat. She is not popular at the moment. In fact she just ducked when passing my office. Smart, since heavy objects could come hurling out my door at any moment. But the point of this addendum is that some woman comes in the coffee shop wihle I was there and says she's going to come back later for the artwalk. This rang a bell and I wasn't quite sure why. Right up until I realized I was IN the Artwalk and had not brought any wares. So I have to go immediately home after work, get my pots and get back there for the show. God I hate senility.

I'm wondering if the closet case safari is on this weekend. If it is I think I'll watch it. Apparently Jeff Corwin and Anderson Cooper went on safari together. And now it's going to be televised. Ahem.

Damn these responsibilities

Here's an angel for you!



OK, for my third post today.(the critical software at work has crashed so I'm free for a while at least) I have neglected to make mention of national coming out day! My bad!

I guess.

Who in the hell am I going to come out to? I haven't done this in years, since it wasn't necessary. But I guess I'll find someone. Maybe there'll be some cute guy at the grocery I can torment this evening. Now THAT would be fun. But I just have to ask. Now, how many Presidential candidates acknowledged National Coming out day today??? Hmm??? How many? That's what I thought.

I also have to mention a blog I just looked at from a guy in the south. I won't mention the blog or his name cause I have no wish to get in a blog bitch fight with some stranger and I mean no insult when I say this, but, he's thanking a friend of his who is straight for being so cool to him all these years.

Now, I get that. I have straight friends who are cool with my sexuality, and who've been supportive over the centuries, however, why should it be a big deal that they do this? Am I bad? I don't intend to be mean and I certainly don't mean to denigrate his relationship with some guy I know nothing about. I'm also certain he and I are not the only guys out there with a straight guy friend to thank for the same thing, but come on.

Isn't this exactly what I've been talking about?

Isn't it high time that we were measured not for what we are, but what we do, and who we are inside? Sorry, didn't mean to quote Batman Begins, it just happened.

This is the point of all this stuff I'm talking about. We are people! We are all people. We shouldn't be judging each other by our acts, by our innate attractions, by our private lives, because they are in fact our private lives, but for who we are, the things we do, what lives in our hearts.

I know I had to get older for all this to become clear in my mind and probably everyone else does too. But it sure makes me sad to see, in this age, someone thanking a straight guy for being cool with his sexuality.

Oh by the way I'm gay. Seriously gay! Marching in the streets with a big old placard in front of the White House with my fist in the air, proud fag gay.

IS THAT COMING OUT ENOUGH FOR YOU???

I'm going to lunch

damn

And another thing!

I love Rob Brezny-

I hope he's younger than me so I can count on him doing my horoscope for the rest of my days.

"...What about you, Gemini? What could we conclude about the nature of your mission here on the planet if we took an inventory of what you create? What are the experiences, products, artifacts, words, feelings, and impressions that you regularly spawn, and what do they say about you? It's an excellent time to meditate on this subject."

It's hard work being good every day. And we all fail more often than not, but like life, it's that old journey that keeps the interest. Of course, it's even harder to kep this curmudgeonly exterior polished when people keep trying to expose that there's someone nice underneath. Leave it be. It bites.

Sometimes when I contemplate my demise, one day in about a hundred years I hope, I think that often the only reason I stick around is because I want to see how it all comes out.

Sit Down

I mean seriously, you should sit down. If you know me at all you know when I say something like that I mean it, cause I'm about to drop a bombshell.

Actually, I don't know how much of a bombshell it is, but it certainly hit me ilke a ton of bricks.

I got offered a teaching job yesterday.

It's only adjunct, and it's probably only for one semester,and it's not at the college or university of my choice, but it's college teaching experience, and I like the guy who runs the dept, and an old friend works there too and I think he got me the offer. So, yes, they made the tentative offer, and I expressed my interest. The rest we'll see about. I still don't know the secret password so this may still fall apart, but until and unless it does I'm thanking the universe.

He asked what I want to teach and not being a complete fool, close, but not complete, I told him my preferences. Hopefully I won't wind up teaching creative movement or the like. Directing, analysis, crit, history, those I can teach. Musical theatre, I may as well teach mandarin for all I understand about it. I think he knows that already, so...

So there it is. I'm living with butterflies in my stomach at the thought of standing in front of a classroom again. This morning is the first time since I got the offer that I've been able to formulate a coherent sentence so I'd better stop while I'm ahead.

Love

not bleak house

This week's posts are an odd juxtaposition to my mood. They seem a little bleak to me, yet I don't feel bleak in the least. In fact I'm in quite a good mood.

That little preamble was to prepare you for the following.

The christian right is now looking to form a new political party, and one of their dream tickets would be James Dobson and Gen.Peter Pace. Yes! James Dobson of "Focus on the Family" the radio program, the evangelical minister, and Peter "fags are immoral" Pace, late of the congressional hearings where he told it like it isn't. Here we go, more craziness from people who believe that loving someone is wrong, that killing people you disagree with is just fine and that everyone is wrong but them and we all should bow to the almighty white straight christian man who is supposed to rule the world. This encuoraging news comes from Richard Rothstein over at queersighted.com.

YIKES!!!!!

This gives me pause.

Do I abandon my plans to move to a city where I plan to stay the rest of my life put down roots and become part of the community? Do I look for that other country where I could potentiallly live without this kind of oppression? Do I just give up and run for the hills to hide the rest of my days to avoid being the target of this unwarranted hatred? Do I take to the streets and fight them with all my being?

Damnit!!!

It's not that this crap scares me, it kinda does in a way, but there is so very little that I fear anymore...beieve me. It's more that I just don't understand it? Where does this kind of hate come from? Where do the people with this disease inside them breed the germ that keeps it alive? Why do they do it? Do they simply not have enough to think or worry about or concern themselves with so they exercise their right to hate every chance they get? Are they the same people who staunchly opposed civil rights in the 50's and 60's? Are they simply ignorant, or are they smart and devious? These are questions that need answering for me. I want to know who I am dealing with. I'm a gemini, we need this info to process.

And I certainly can't rely on the existing mechanisms like GLAAD, HRC et al, to tell me. They have their heads so far up my ass, and only remove them to put their noses in the trough that I help supply with cash for them to feed on, that they wouldn't know a bigot if one sat on their face.

So here I am wondering if any of it is worth it. What can be done? I realize that a small committed group of people is the only real way to effect change in this world. It's the only thing that has made a difference in the past and likely will be the only thing to do so in the future, but where to start? And do I really have the strength as I age to do such things? This kind of grass roots stuff takes a lot of energy, time, money and commitment. And though I do firmly believe that it is sometimes necessary to give everything for what you believe I have to know that I'm not alone in this quandry. I think that's the real issue here for me. Is the apathy I see so deeply rooted in our society that there is no point in trying to find the fire extinguisher and put out the fires that are burning while Nero fiddles? Or are there others out there who know we're in trouble. That we have to start trying to figure out a way out of all this mess. A way to really create the world in which we should all be able to live in dignity and respect.

I recently watched el diarios de motocicleta on dvd and I think the protrayal of Che Guevara and the director's and screenwriters understanding of who he was and what he really wanted for the people was an honest portrayal of a man's selfless devotion to his fellow man. (of course, the CIA had like one succesful mission down there in the 1960's and it was to kill this guy.)As we all saw in the 1980's there isn't much of a future for communism, thankfully. But the idea that the people are what matters, not power, nor who someone loves, nor land, nor religion, nor oil. The people...