Damn these responsibilities

Here's an angel for you!



OK, for my third post today.(the critical software at work has crashed so I'm free for a while at least) I have neglected to make mention of national coming out day! My bad!

I guess.

Who in the hell am I going to come out to? I haven't done this in years, since it wasn't necessary. But I guess I'll find someone. Maybe there'll be some cute guy at the grocery I can torment this evening. Now THAT would be fun. But I just have to ask. Now, how many Presidential candidates acknowledged National Coming out day today??? Hmm??? How many? That's what I thought.

I also have to mention a blog I just looked at from a guy in the south. I won't mention the blog or his name cause I have no wish to get in a blog bitch fight with some stranger and I mean no insult when I say this, but, he's thanking a friend of his who is straight for being so cool to him all these years.

Now, I get that. I have straight friends who are cool with my sexuality, and who've been supportive over the centuries, however, why should it be a big deal that they do this? Am I bad? I don't intend to be mean and I certainly don't mean to denigrate his relationship with some guy I know nothing about. I'm also certain he and I are not the only guys out there with a straight guy friend to thank for the same thing, but come on.

Isn't this exactly what I've been talking about?

Isn't it high time that we were measured not for what we are, but what we do, and who we are inside? Sorry, didn't mean to quote Batman Begins, it just happened.

This is the point of all this stuff I'm talking about. We are people! We are all people. We shouldn't be judging each other by our acts, by our innate attractions, by our private lives, because they are in fact our private lives, but for who we are, the things we do, what lives in our hearts.

I know I had to get older for all this to become clear in my mind and probably everyone else does too. But it sure makes me sad to see, in this age, someone thanking a straight guy for being cool with his sexuality.

Oh by the way I'm gay. Seriously gay! Marching in the streets with a big old placard in front of the White House with my fist in the air, proud fag gay.

IS THAT COMING OUT ENOUGH FOR YOU???

I'm going to lunch

damn

And another thing!

I love Rob Brezny-

I hope he's younger than me so I can count on him doing my horoscope for the rest of my days.

"...What about you, Gemini? What could we conclude about the nature of your mission here on the planet if we took an inventory of what you create? What are the experiences, products, artifacts, words, feelings, and impressions that you regularly spawn, and what do they say about you? It's an excellent time to meditate on this subject."

It's hard work being good every day. And we all fail more often than not, but like life, it's that old journey that keeps the interest. Of course, it's even harder to kep this curmudgeonly exterior polished when people keep trying to expose that there's someone nice underneath. Leave it be. It bites.

Sometimes when I contemplate my demise, one day in about a hundred years I hope, I think that often the only reason I stick around is because I want to see how it all comes out.

Sit Down

I mean seriously, you should sit down. If you know me at all you know when I say something like that I mean it, cause I'm about to drop a bombshell.

Actually, I don't know how much of a bombshell it is, but it certainly hit me ilke a ton of bricks.

I got offered a teaching job yesterday.

It's only adjunct, and it's probably only for one semester,and it's not at the college or university of my choice, but it's college teaching experience, and I like the guy who runs the dept, and an old friend works there too and I think he got me the offer. So, yes, they made the tentative offer, and I expressed my interest. The rest we'll see about. I still don't know the secret password so this may still fall apart, but until and unless it does I'm thanking the universe.

He asked what I want to teach and not being a complete fool, close, but not complete, I told him my preferences. Hopefully I won't wind up teaching creative movement or the like. Directing, analysis, crit, history, those I can teach. Musical theatre, I may as well teach mandarin for all I understand about it. I think he knows that already, so...

So there it is. I'm living with butterflies in my stomach at the thought of standing in front of a classroom again. This morning is the first time since I got the offer that I've been able to formulate a coherent sentence so I'd better stop while I'm ahead.

Love

not bleak house

This week's posts are an odd juxtaposition to my mood. They seem a little bleak to me, yet I don't feel bleak in the least. In fact I'm in quite a good mood.

That little preamble was to prepare you for the following.

The christian right is now looking to form a new political party, and one of their dream tickets would be James Dobson and Gen.Peter Pace. Yes! James Dobson of "Focus on the Family" the radio program, the evangelical minister, and Peter "fags are immoral" Pace, late of the congressional hearings where he told it like it isn't. Here we go, more craziness from people who believe that loving someone is wrong, that killing people you disagree with is just fine and that everyone is wrong but them and we all should bow to the almighty white straight christian man who is supposed to rule the world. This encuoraging news comes from Richard Rothstein over at queersighted.com.

YIKES!!!!!

This gives me pause.

Do I abandon my plans to move to a city where I plan to stay the rest of my life put down roots and become part of the community? Do I look for that other country where I could potentiallly live without this kind of oppression? Do I just give up and run for the hills to hide the rest of my days to avoid being the target of this unwarranted hatred? Do I take to the streets and fight them with all my being?

Damnit!!!

It's not that this crap scares me, it kinda does in a way, but there is so very little that I fear anymore...beieve me. It's more that I just don't understand it? Where does this kind of hate come from? Where do the people with this disease inside them breed the germ that keeps it alive? Why do they do it? Do they simply not have enough to think or worry about or concern themselves with so they exercise their right to hate every chance they get? Are they the same people who staunchly opposed civil rights in the 50's and 60's? Are they simply ignorant, or are they smart and devious? These are questions that need answering for me. I want to know who I am dealing with. I'm a gemini, we need this info to process.

And I certainly can't rely on the existing mechanisms like GLAAD, HRC et al, to tell me. They have their heads so far up my ass, and only remove them to put their noses in the trough that I help supply with cash for them to feed on, that they wouldn't know a bigot if one sat on their face.

So here I am wondering if any of it is worth it. What can be done? I realize that a small committed group of people is the only real way to effect change in this world. It's the only thing that has made a difference in the past and likely will be the only thing to do so in the future, but where to start? And do I really have the strength as I age to do such things? This kind of grass roots stuff takes a lot of energy, time, money and commitment. And though I do firmly believe that it is sometimes necessary to give everything for what you believe I have to know that I'm not alone in this quandry. I think that's the real issue here for me. Is the apathy I see so deeply rooted in our society that there is no point in trying to find the fire extinguisher and put out the fires that are burning while Nero fiddles? Or are there others out there who know we're in trouble. That we have to start trying to figure out a way out of all this mess. A way to really create the world in which we should all be able to live in dignity and respect.

I recently watched el diarios de motocicleta on dvd and I think the protrayal of Che Guevara and the director's and screenwriters understanding of who he was and what he really wanted for the people was an honest portrayal of a man's selfless devotion to his fellow man. (of course, the CIA had like one succesful mission down there in the 1960's and it was to kill this guy.)As we all saw in the 1980's there isn't much of a future for communism, thankfully. But the idea that the people are what matters, not power, nor who someone loves, nor land, nor religion, nor oil. The people...

Friends past

I once knew a young man named Chipper Sandin. We were friends for a while in the late 70's and early 80's. He died of AIDS in 1994. I learned of it in 2005. For reasons passing understanding for some, it upset me that I didn't know. I don't know what I'd have done at any rate. My friends were dropping all around me at that time, and I could hardly cope with it all as it was. I probably would have found some more tears, and picked myself up and gone on like I did anyway. There is apparently no cure for survivor's guilt.

But recently I have discovered that the friend who introduced us has misunderstood my relationship with Chipper. This past weekend I participated in a fund raising event for AIDS organizations and I listed Chipper as the person in whose memory I was riding. This prompted my friend Lisa-Lin to tell me her thoughts about Chipper and I.

I felt like sharing some of my response to her with everyone, so...

...there was some bond between Chipper and I that I have a difficult
time explaining to straight people. It's kind of like the friends I
know who've lost a partner to AIDS. They join this secret widow
society that only they understand.

I think we were friends for a while and I think we made an impression on each others lives.

So, insofar as we were gay brothers[if you will]I owe some recognition to his part
in my life. To what his presence did to shape who I am today. Also,I've no idea if anyone acknowledges his existence. Was there anyone significant in his life? I doubt that. He had a tendency to pass through people's lives without letting them take
hold.

Did his family make any recognition of his life? Where's he
buried? Did they just let him stay in DC? Did they have a funeral
for their gay son who died of AIDS? In Hootersville???? See there's a
million questions I think will never be answered. There's an old native american saying, that a thing only lives as long as there's someone alive to remember it.(I'm paraphrasing there but that's the gist of it anyway.)

We all pass that way at some point, but we should live on with those we touched. So in light of that fact, I have to remember that I knew someone once who made a definite impression on me as he passed through. Someone who from time to time deserves my recognition, and appreciation.

He was a confused young boy and he had very little guidance. Someone owes him something. I am willing to assume what little responsibility that entails. So, was I in love with Chipper? No dear, I was not. Did I have a soft spot in my heart for
him? I most certainly did, always will.-

And yes Lisa-Lin you're right, I hope he's still clapping his hands and laughing somewhere too.

Love

Monday and choices

I neglected to post a picture on Friday, which I usually do, so we're going to do a double dose of the lovely and talented Gael Garcia Bernal. Ok make that a triple, he's lovely enough to warrant it. Of course, he's also like 9, how depressing is that?


I have a limited amount of time to accomplish everything I want to today and I have to make choices, which I hate.

I have two hours in which to finish my days work, and then I have to go to my new dentist for the first time, and this morning I was told a complete horror story about him from a co-worker. Her timing was good, and bad as well so I'm in a quandry about that.

Also, I need to ride my bike today. Yes, I am an endorphin junkie yet again and I didn't ride yesterday so I'm having quite the bike jones this morning. So that needs to be inserted into the schedule.

I must finish reading this book I'm supposed to work with the children's department on, and get in touch with the people who could supply me with actors for it.

AND I have pottery class. Which I must attend because I have a show Friday and I need to get a couple more pieces glazed and fired before Friday. Besides I have to work wednesday evening and that means no pottery class. Gotta satisfy that jones too.

So, the dentist thing is the only real option I have to move any appts today. I could move it to next monday and it'd be fine. Also I think it'd be better for my checkbook to wait until then anyway. oh well dirty teeth another week. I doubt I'll perish from it, nor will anyone else for that matter.

Completely uneventful weekend. I did very little except ride my bike, meditation, yoga, and play online play money poker(I'm up a little under $5 mil). I did read a play and part of the Warren Zevon Bio. Oh and I watched "The Shooter," "El diarios de motocicleta," and "Rounders"(again) Made a date with a guy I met who lives in wichita. He's cute, but damn does he have to live THERE!

Del is traversing the rockies today headed for a new adventure in Spokane and I wish him well. I heard from my friend Kathy in MI and Lisa-Lin in Dallas. Also, from Kenne in Hawaii. My old friend Heather is still in Turkey today. Ah world travel, it's on the list. My friend Michele is home in Las Cruces after her excursion with her oldest son to SF to see if he wants to live there and go to school. Of course he does, who wouldn't? Oh and my friend Abby is discovering that elementary school teaching will fry your brain along with the AZ temps. As for my friend CC, well he's busy being him. It's a full time job. Love ya CC.

I told my boss I'll be on vacation the week of the 22nd. I've no idea where I'm going, but a car or a plane is headed out of this town with me inside I can tell you that.

Love

catching up

This week has been no better than last when it comes to interruptions at work. I have a ton of stuff to get done today before 2:30 and then I have to leave to help my nephew setup my brother's new tv for his surprise birthday party tonight. No this schedule is not stopping me from blogging this morning.

I forgot to turn on the dishwasher this morning so I doubt the housekeeper will do it when she gets there, and I didn't bring enough hangers for the shirts I found in the back of the car, which means the people who do my laundry will likely fold them and I hate that. So all in all I've screwed up the finer points of my Friday morning pretty well, and hope that this trend does not continue into the rest of the day nor the weekend. One never knows.

Oh! Flaky emailed me last night. Remember him? The guy I was seeing who "really really wanted to get to know each other" yet never somehow made time to do that.
Yeah him. I haven't decided what to say in response to his glib little missive of last eve. I may just blow it off. Why invest in his BS? I have plenty of that already. He was cute, but he wasn't "all that" as they say.

Gotta cram all outdoor activities into tomorrow, it's supposed to rain sunday, and that's good it'll make me stay inside and get some of those stacks of stuff read that I haven't been getting to.

Next Friday is the Artwalk and though I have plenty of wares, I'm not happy with most of them. I'll put them out, but not with much enthusiasm. The work with the horses at the royal goes on hiatus after tomorrow night. I'll pick it back up the last weekend of the month. Finishing the book I'm working on with the childrens dept here this weekend also. Hopefully I can get a cast together within the next week or two. It's gonna be a thrown together thing at best, but maybe it'll be interesting enough for them to want to continue. It'd be fun to do I think.

I haven't had a chance this morning to check into what horribleness George W. and Co are into this morning. I'm sure it's heinous. But I did see that Larry Craig isn't going anywhere...except to the tea room. Poor old delusional thing. I hope he's around a long time to haunt the party he represents so well.

Somone told me that Brittney Spears (sp? see how much I care!) lost her kids to the hubby. This begs the question "THESE are the choices for those kids????" Seriously. What hope is there for them anyway. Daddy is from Modesto (home of Scott Peterson) or Fresno, or one of those god forsaken central valley burgs, and rode mama's coat tails as far as possible, and momma is still living on the bayou. I also saw a picture of Brad Pitt's ass climbing over a wall. Why do I care about these things?

We're stealing all the natural resources from a country we invaded and then occupied, incidentally while killing like a million of its citizens. We're legalizing discrimination and saying it's ok, and those being discriminated against are saying. "oh well, no biggie." instead of taking to the streets in protest. We're denying that our legislators are blowing black men in the johns of parks, and we're selling, at my grocery store at least, "Organic eggs" in a plastic carton. Well as a diversion from all that good news I certainly need Brad Pitt's saggy 43 year old jelly butt on my work monitor. Am I the only one who doesn't get it?

I got work to do, wake your dumb asses up already.

Confusion abounds

If I had ever been a fan of that dreadful show form the '70's "Welcome Back Kotter" I'd use the catchphrase "I'm so confused." Which I think was Travolta's characters line. At any rate, I am thoroughly confused and simply forced to wait to see what the universe is up to.

Though I am certain there is nefarious skullduggery afoot here in the toxic waste part of KC I cannot determine with any certainty that it exists. In other words,all I got is a feeling. I also should mention that I've been asked to direct readers theatre productions for the children's department, and also be on a radio show on the local NPR station to talk about non-fiction books. See why i'm confused!

I'm told I'm wrong about the skullduggery. This is from someone who I have seen personally navigate the political minefield here, and very successfully I might add. He says no. That even if this person, who is not by nature someone who would set out to cause anyone problems, was of a mind to do this to me, she isn't in a position to do so. She also, according to him, doesn't have the ear of the person I thought she did. Therefore, I am told I'm paranoid for no good reason. This has never been the case in the past, so though I REALLY want to believe him, I don't. I'll accept his comforting for what it is, but the facts are the facts, and I think I'll be proven right. Unfortunately.

Normally if I get my hackles up in a situation like this there is good reason and I am ultimately proven correct. I really want to be wrong, but I don't think I am.

But in defense of the universe, it may have a plan I am blissfully ignorant of because the following is my Rob Brezny horoscope for this week. (I Love Freewill Astrology) I also seldom believe the universe deigns to tell me much of anything before deciding to take me on some new adventure. So I may be off on another sooner than I'd planned. Which is fine, I'm getting all Zen lately anyway.

"In Buddhist legend, the udumbara is a rare flower that blossoms unexpectedly every few millennia. It portends the imminent arrival of a miraculous breakthrough, as it did when it appeared near a lake at the foot of the Himalayas before the birth of Buddha. Many people in Fremont, California believe they recently saw the udumbara blooming on an oleander tree, its threadlike stalks erupting with tiny white blooms. Was it real? Alas, no scientists were on hand to confer the blessing of authentication. But that doesn't matter for my purpose, which is to let you know that you'll soon have a close brush with the equivalent of an udumabara. Be alert. Don't be so lost in your fantasies that you're blind to the fantastic omen that's right in front of you. You've got to actually see it in order to be ready for the wondrous event it foreshadows."

This could mean anything from, I'm getting a new ink pen, to getting a new life. Recently,I have been considering getting rid of all the worldly possessions and buying an ipod for the cd collecetion and a laptop,and shipping the art and dishes to a new locale and taking off for fresher pastures. Likely no greener but perhaps less polluted with the detritus of others baggage, at least for me.

I opt for new life, but I'll take what I can get.

Cross everything, send good thoughts to Del and Bigg, and stay tuned. I may have a new bic to talk about any day now.

The weather is still holding out miraculously well so I'm off for a long lunchtime ride today. According to the local seers I'm running out of time and I don't intend to squander a minute of this.

Love

and the changes come

They come when you least expect them, when you sometimes don't want them, and often when you don't think they will at all.

I find it interesting that two of my favorite bloggers are in major flux in their lives. And I am facing the same thing. I truly hope I can hang on to this job until spring. I need to, and there seems to be a concerted effort to see to that it doesn't happen.

Yet again I am the scapegoat in a situation in which I have no authority, no decision making capability and don't really want any. In short I am labeled a troublemaker because i have initiative and I wish to improve my job and it's purpose. It's very puzzling.

Details are unimportant, I just need to hang in there until March or April and then I can go. I'll file bankruptcy if I have to, though I hate to. I'll do what it takes to get out of here in one piece and if that includes startingover financially then so be it.

But Spring is my goal. I'm trying to keep my head down and my mouth shut. Let'shope they let me do that for another six months.

More later. I gotta get started on the day.

write it off

I'm writing off this latest guy. What a flake! I wish I could think of a better word, but that's the best one I got today. We're supposed to see each other tonight but no emails, no calls, no nothing. I'm not of a mind that he should be calling me all the time else I'd be bitching about that here instead. But calling to confirm, setup a plan for where, when, etc is just common sense. I have come to the conclusion this guy has none. So he's history, and moving on to the next topic.

I want to be more active politically. I think I'd even like to start a PAC, though I'd have no idea how to go about it. I see the traditional groups still in existence and I see that they are still dong the same stuff they've always done and I also see that it's not working.

I cannot be the only one (other than Richard Rothstein at queersighted) who is outraged and ready to mount a fight over this continual denial of our civil rights. I'd be wiling to bet that our illustrious President vetoes the Defense bill coming to his desk this week because it contains the Matthew Shepard Act. And I bet there is not one gay man or woman who takes to the streets as a result. I wish I could find someone to take that bet because I could use the money.

I am living a prime example. I am being forced to work in a hostile environment and no one can do anything to help me because there is no law to stop it. Why? you ask? Because I have no protections for my civil rights. Anyone can deny them to me under the guise of my sexual orientation and there is no recourse for me.

Yes, there is a new anti-discrimination law in my state (Kansas) and yes it could afford me some modicum of recourse. But at a constitutional level in Federal court, Nada, nothing. Why do we tolerate this?

Why do we do nothing to protect ourselves? Why do we allow others to trample on us simply because they hate something about us as though we deserved it? Why do we then ask for it to happen over and over while asking "May I have another please?"

Do we really believe we should be as hated as we are? Do we really believe what they're teaching their children and the rest of the world, that we're to be eradicated and barring that possibility to be reduced to nothingness? That it's ok to hate us because of who we love?

Did you choose to be gay? Did you wake one morning and make a conscious decision, knowing all the ramifications of such a decision, make up your mind to pursue a life that you knew was going to be fraught with battles, hatred, fearful lashing out from others, and constant tension with your family?

Did you do this with the intention of waging a battle against the "family values" that Republicans have so long preached as their own invention?

You know you didn't. I know you didn't. They don't care, is the whole point.

I wish I could stand up and make a difference in the lives of the men and women who fight this battle with me every single day and have some chance of winning.

I wish.

Love

i got an issue already

I do! I have an issue with this new guy and we hardly know each other.
The word flake comes to mind.

When one claims they want to have a relationship, this implies they'll make themselves available in some way to pursue said goal.

In fact should I be willing to make that claim I'd have to make some concessions regarding my full schedule. The difference is that I'd do it.

This guy keeps saying "oh we've got to get together, blah blah blah", never happens. Well, in all fairnes we've only tried twice, but still.

Today I emailed and said, "Here's when I'm available, you call me." Ball officially not in my court. He's on his own.

No fun this weekend anyway, I have to work the whole thing. Hate that. But I'm taking off monday. So things are looking up already.

Have a lovely weekend. I borrowed (read stole) this photo of some straight guy named Gabe from Queersighted.com. Hope they don't mind, but Gabe should be spread around. Way too much man to be hoarded by those New York types. Even though I love them.

Love

conundrums in the workplace

I work in a place where they treat me very well. I like it here and it's going to pain me to leave next spring, but it's time for me to move to the next phase of my life and being here isn't pert of that equation. That's part of the reason I'm concerned about starting up with a new man, but that's another post altogether. One which I'm not sure I'm going to do because what if the new man ever was to find out I blogged about him etc etc etc.

Anyway, in the grand tradition that there is always one person at work who decides they're going to pick on you, I have been selected. Ain't I lucky.

I send out this report that tells supervisor they have stuff to correct from the work their staff did the previous day. This is simply what my boss told me to do when I was hired and I do it daily. Unfortunately, one of said supervisors takes it personally. Therefore, whenever I send her any corrections she scours the report and then notifies my supervisor of any errors. Today it was formatting in a column. Mind you this column is a new field we added last Friday. I think you get the point.

So in an effort to disarm this Bully, I chose to include in today's report a little note of apology.

"My apologies for the formatting error in yesterdays report. As much as it pains me to admit it, I am human. Therefore, I suppose we should brace ourselves for the inevitability that I will make mistakes from time to time.

I have rectified that oversight on today's report, thanks for letting me know about it though."

That will either disarm this bitch, who will now lay off me since she's been made a fool in public, or cause her to order my immediate beheading. We shall see.

I realize it's a calculated move on my part fraught with risk, but something had to be done and my supervisor isn't getting the fact that I am being picked on and isn't telling this woman to lay off me like she should. My supervisor if you can't tell is not very effective. A nice person whom I like working for, but as a manager, not so much.

Well, enough of being paranoid about work foolishness.

My bike had to go the shop monday and I just got the call it's finally ready. I cannot wait to get it and ride the rest of the week. It's beautiful outside and I don't want to waste a minute.

OK, ok,I met a guy. He seems nice and we're going out to have dinner this Friday and we'll see where it goes, and yes I feel just like a certain someone in the Arizona desert who finds running into a good guy at the wrong time a condition of life, but one must take it where one can get it.

And I look at it as something that happens specifically because there is a time limit on it. Perhaps without that I wouldn't be willing to commit at all.

I hate knowing myself.

Love

a good time was had by all

Well, there was a wicked scene at Dillard's today. I had simply had it with my clothes. I've always had a certain sense of style and lately I've let it go. And that's not working for me at all.

So today after I rode like 25 miles, I grabbed the Dillard's card, took a deep breath and plunged into the men's department.

I now have an entirely new wardrobe for work and I'm oh so happy. If I get real brave next month I'll go for the casual stuff that needs replacing as well.

I'm just tired of this casual thing at work, it's boring, it's NOT professional, and mostly one never gets to show off that way.

Actually I was looking at something online yesterday about the 50 most stylist men of the last 50 years and remembered that I aspired to that once. Before I bought five pairs of black jeans and five shirts of the same cut and fabric but different colors and a pair of black rockports and made it my work uniform.

I DON'T WEAR A UNIFORM!

I have a professional job, and god knows I send the federal government enough money every month to prove I'm educated enough to have a professional job. So there.

Monday I'm off so I'm getting a haircut, and maybe a manicure, and then I'm going to work on Tuesday looking GOOD.

And the retail therapy didn't suck either.



Love

Because it's Saturday

and THIS is the only way to spend a Saturday night.

Enjoy.

Love

ok, ok, I give

I've decided I want to do this, so I'm going to make the supreme effort. I'm going to try to post every day.

Mind you I have a full time job, a part time job, I'm preparing for a pottery show in October, I'm directing a show in October, and doing some sort of riding thing in November with the American Royal (Horses). I'm also taking a class in November to get my ESL certificate, I'm taking a web design class this semester, I ride my bike 60 miles a week, down from last years 90 for obvious reasons, my friends insist I make time for them weekly, so there goes lunch on saturday and breakfast on sunday and often friday evenings as well, I'm taking a tai chi class, and horseback riding lessons. As you can see I have a few irons in the fire. So many posts may not be as long as today's will be. I'm sure you'll be thankful.

Though my on again off again relationship of over 30 years is off again, yawn, I still try to pretend I have some sort of intimate relationship in the world so time must be made for that as well.

My brother is spending a lot of time with me recently on saturdays in particular because our family finally came completely apart last fall and he wants to preserve our relationship since he apparently sees how crazy his sister is and that he won't be able to have much of one with her unless he's willing to get involved in all her imaginary problems. And of course our father is almost 84 and likely won't be with us that much longer so he graciously has chosen me as his family contact.

He's a pretty great brother at any rate so I'm not only lucky to have him I'm happy as well, and I spend the time gratefully and willingly. One of the biggest reasons I think he's doing it is that he knows I'm outta here at the first opportunity, which will likely be late spring of 2008, so he wants to be with me as much as he can before I go. It's very thoughtful and loving and I've always admired that about him. He's the best of us, I hope he's around a long time.

But I digress! I'm moving to Santa Fe. I've long wanted to return to New Mexico since the early '80's when I lived in Albuquerque and though I have friends in Las Cruces and I love them, I want to live in Santa Fe, and I intend to do that. It will be expensive I'm sure, and it may take a while to get my ducks in a row, but I'm going, and I'm going to stay.

It's my intention to find both a man and a teaching job and tell the decider at the teaching job and the man, that they may as well take me on because I'm not going away and I'm just going to hang around until one of us succumbs to the vagaries of time and up and dies. Hard to argue with the hardline ain't it? To borrow a line from a Liza Minelli song, "Maybe this time, I'll get lucky."

I guess I'll start with the list of what I want from this life. None of which is impossible I think.

1.) Theatre
2.) Teaching
3.) Horses
4.) Pottery
5.) Directing
6.) Travel
7.) Bicycles
8.) A Man

I want to be involved in some way in theatre, preferably as an employee of some kind.

I want to teach cause I think that not only do teachers have it good, I think it's incredible when you see the light come on in someone's eyes when they make a discovery and understand something for the first time.

I want to have horses in my life cause I think that connection with nature and other animals is oh so important to our understanding of life.

I want pottery cause its beauty and practicality all rolled into one and it's truly fun to do.

I want to direct theatre cause working with actors brings me joy.

I want to travel cause I think this world has an incredible wealth of stuff to show and teach all of us and that we don't take nearly the opportunity to learn about other people that we should.

I want to ride my bike daily because it gives me a perspective of my own life that I know I'd miss otherwise, and it's healthy, and I love the look of the world from a bike.

And perhaps most importantly I want a man in my life, cause I think that I could learn so much from just having another person in that close a proximity. Besides, I'd learn about love and compromise and sharing and what's more cool than living with someone who shares your dreams and believes in you and gets the same in return from you?

So that's where I am in life at the moment. I'll be back tomorrow, but today
I just got a buttload of work brought to me on top of the buttload I'm ignoring already. So have a wonderful day, and look for the best in people. They don't always want to show it to you, but it's there.

Love

update

I just wanted to mention that I'm stil trying to resolve my issues with Paypal. Man do they suck.

I'm still working on that post about having a true north, It's not that the piece is so complicated, but I'm busy. In fact i was so busy I didn't get to see an old friend before he went off to vacation in eastern europe last week. (no I've no idea why he went to eastern europe to vacate)

So, know that even though I don't get to post very much, in fact not nearly what I'd like to do, I'm still thinking about it all the time and I'll find my blogging true north one day and then things wll really take off.

And hope springs eternal.

Love

for whom the bell tolls

I have high hopes that death, when it comes will have waited many more years. I've also no idea why I am thinking about it today, but I am.

I used to think that I'd know it when it came, that I'd feel its approach. That I'd at least have a little time to adjust to the idea. I now know that probably won't be the case. I was injured this spring (a week before my 50th Birthday) in a horse riding accident. There wasn't much riding to it. I got on and then I came off. I was working for people who, though they own quite a few horses don't apparently know that much about them.

I'd rearranged my schedule so I could take a nice ride in the morning before I went to work and then another when I got home. Thereby fulfilling my obligation to ride out the horses they wanted to use for trail rides. This was to be my second morning engaging in this wonderful new schedule.

They gave me a horse I was unfamiliar with and told me she was fine. Willie, their man said, that the last time he'd rode her, I don't remember when, she'd been fine. "She rodeo'd on me a little when I first got on her but after that she was ok."

I now know this means "That horse ain't broke."

She was looking wild eyed at me the whole time I was saddling her. I thought, "Well, she doesn't know me and she'll be fine once I get on her back."

I've not been that wrong in a really long time.

As soon as I got on her she felt incredibly stiff, and she started dancing a little. I thought I'd better get that stopped quick before she got the wrong idea and so I tried to turn her to the right, there was no give to her at all and I knew I was in trouble. So I turned her to the left and she gave a little and as she turned her front feet came off the ground, but they went back down after I turned her a bit more.

That's the last thing I remember.

Apparently I gave her back her head after she turned and that was when she came up off her front feet to get rid of me. As most inexperienced bronc riders do, (mind you I'm no bronc rider, but that day all the rules applied to my situation) I tried to stay on her. I'm assuming I accomplished this by using the reins to keep my balance, and yes, all I really got done was to pull her over on top of me.

This is conjecture on my part cause the next recollection I have is standing in my living room some 100 yards from the last place I had been conscious, and touching the back of my head saying, "Why is my head bloody? And why am I in the house?"

No I never went to the dr. get off my back about it.

About that time Steve walked in my front door and said, "Sean come here." apparently I was wandering the house aimlessly.

He said, "Do you know what just happened?" I told him no, and he said, "Ok, you just had an accident with a horse, she rodeo'd on you and then came over on top of you. You hit your head and were knocked out for about a minute." He checked on me repeatedly throughout the morning and since I had started to make sense again by noon, he left me alone.

Shortly after that I was asked to leave the farm. I still wonder if it was because they feared me telling people about it, and running off customers, or if they were afraid of their own liability, or if they figured out I'm gay. It was one, or all three, I'll never know and don't really care. They demonstrated to me that they have no real knowledge of horses and all I was going to get was permanently injured there and I'm glad I left.

But that incident let me know that death, when it arrives doesn't always knock politely and ask if it can come in. It just shows up.

I have no real fear of it, I know in my heart that one day it'll happen and all this stuff I've wasted my time worrying about won't matter anymore, and that, as they say, will be that. So, though I'd rather not linger with some wasting disease waiting for it to happen, it'll show up in its own time, in its own guise, and I'll go when I have to.

But between now and then I'm going out there and I'm going to be the best Sean I can be. Cause in the end that's all that matters, that every day, succeed or fail, you woke up with that intention.

I guess I'm sounding a little grim today, sorry. Not my intention, just thinking out loud.

i had no idea

ok, i just looked at the slide show of young cuties i posted a few days ago. I'd only seen it at work where I have the sound turned off on my computer at least nine different ways, and I swear to you I had no idea that horrible music was playing with it.

What is that unchained melody or what? It's just awful I want suddenly to watch Ghost, and i HATE Patrick Swayze. well so sorry I'd stop that horrible noise if I could.

I'll be more careful in the future. Of course I've said that for years.

Love

Love song for Bobby Long

ok, I have to come to the defense of this movie. Even if I'm 3 years too late. It was released in 2004, but I just saw it the other day, and rottentomatoes.com says everybody hates it. Not me.

Sure it was cliched, and sure it used every worn out southern stereotype extant, BUT. I liked it. I liked it because the cast was committed to it. Scarlett Johanssen, whom I truly cold care less about in everything I've seen her do, is fine. I don't hate her, but the lack of depth she let Pursy have kinda pissed me off. Like she just wasn't into the role. Well, then let someone who is into it have the role Scarlett! There are as you know, shitloads of women out there who'd have given their left tit for the part so let them do something with it.

One thing I really ilked about this movie was that though Gabriel Macht is cute as hell, they didn't make it seem so. He was just this alcoholic young guy who was screwing off a few years of his life with Bobby Long. Him I truly liked in this movie.

And Deborah Kara Unger..well she could just stand there and I'd be happy. I think I've only seen her in one bad movie and that movie was so bad it had to be an accidental conspiracy on the part of about a dozen people, so I have to give her that one. Remember,I'm gay, so she's gotta be prety fuckin good to get this from me. I ain't saying it cause she's so hot to me.

My favorite in this movie was John Travolta. He worked his ass off in this thing and you couldn't see a minute of it, now that's what an actor is supposed to do.

Let's get things straight at this point. I am not a John Travolta fan. I don't hate him, but I'm not bowled over by him either. And as for the gay question? Who gives a shit! I'm not attracted to him, and even if I was interested, and he was gay we're never going to meet, let alone date, so what possible difference could it make to me?

But Bobby Long was a singular creation I think Travolta got his teeth into and he planned to take it as far as he could. Don't get me wrong there were moments he let the young and inexperienced director take him places he shouldn't have gone, but overall he was great. His relationship with Gabriel Macht could have come off stilted and easily gay. But it never crossed that line and I always believed it. The scene where he's reading Lawson's book and trying to critique it is perfect. he tries to give criticism for criticism's sake and Lawson isn't having any of it. Bobby knows his place here and he knows this tightrope act will not work with his friend Lawson so he lays off, fast. Exactly what he should have done.

His relationship with Pursy, I think, was influenced by the director, and that dishrag Scarlett. The only time she showed any fire was when she threw out the golddigging b/f from the redneck riviera. I'd say she needed a more experienced director, but I saw her in Match Point. If Woody Allen can't get you to act, you need a new job. This chick just ain't that damn good. True she was paired with the current reigning champ of overacting Jonathan Rhys-Myers, but surely she could do something, ANYTHING!

I loved this movie and though I knew Bobby was going to die, and I don't do get-sick-and-die movies, I watched it anyway. Thanks guys!

have I mentioned...

Have I ever discussed the incredibly bad customer service we endure daily here in America today? It's unbelieveable.

Take for example, Paypal, an institution who advertises their wonderfulness. NOT TRUE!

Well, perhaps if you're a seller, they may be wonderful, but caveat emptor is the rule if you're a buyer.

I recently got a Paypal buyer credit acct and decided I needed to use it to do a few things to my car. So I got online, selected the necessary merchandise, and won my auctions. That's when the trouble started.

Being new to the Paypal buyer credit game I inadvertently clicked on the wrong selection and instead of charging these items to my account I charged them to my bank account. This was not in the budgetary plan for the month of august...or ever at this time. Needless to say I was instantly screwed up in the banking department.

Fortunately for me, I thought, I realized my error instantly and moved to correct it. I called Paypal to enlist their much touted assistance. It was not forthcoming. In fact it didn't exist in my case at all.

I explained my error to the woman "Jen" who answered the phone and se told me, that their was absolutely no remedy for me. This did not ilicit a positive response from me. She then told me that she'd get a supervisor, but there was no way she was going to do it either. This turned out to be the truest statement of the day. The supervisor, coincidentally, also named "Jen" also informed me I was S.O.L. in the help department. She was roundly cursed, and deservedly so.

Now intent on defeating Paypal's evil machine that was bent on the destruction of my very carefully laid out budget for the month. I turned my attention to the seller. There was a good guy. His name was Ben and he works for a company called Opto-Electronic design (raintracker.com) and I will hold them both dear to my heart til the day I die. (yes, I recommend this company)

Ben (if that's not your name I apologize, but I'm pretty sure that's it.) told me he'd just refuse the payment, and I could return to Paypal and pay however I wanted. Ben is a GOD! He did, I did, and all was well. The malignancy that is paypal had been defeated, or so I thought.

This morning I awoke to the need to attend to another auction for car stuff. I'd been outbid overnight so I knew I'd need to be diligent to win this item which was important to me to acquire. I won the auction, very happy. More paypal involvement, not so happy.

Needless to say in my blurry state right after waking I did it again. I clicked on the wrong thing and paid with the bank account again! Upon realizing this I went to my bank account only to discover that Paypal had charged me for yesterday's item anyway! I emailed the seller, bypassing paypal, they're worthless, and asked them to deny the payment so I could fix the problem. No response. Now it was time to go to the bank.

I went in this morning when the bank opened and denied both ACH charges from paypal, which cost me stop-payment fees, which sucks, but it was my mistake and if it keeps the malevolence that is paypal from getting their hands on my money it's totally worth it.

I will use paypal in the future, they're a necessary evil, too many people use them to avoid them completely but I'll be deleting my checking and credit card numbers from that acct today. I will forever curse them and will berate them publicly whenever I get the chance. Being mean to their staff is also a perk I intend to indulge in.

It's a symptom of how little business cares if we're happy. They don't care at all, they just don't want to hear about our unhappiness, they're not the least bit interested in helping us be more satisfied with them. No matter what they tell you.

I hope I sounded appropriately bitter in this post. PAYPAL SUCKS!