Last night I came across a not so unique study, I'm afraid, in regard to gay men who are programmed to fail because they think they're not worthy.
The ex wants to get back together, it's quite plain. But the minute the prospect reared it's head he went to a dark place and now is difficult to get along with, makes snide comments, and is generally disagreeable, which is of course repugnant to me and makes me withdraw. At the outset of this I made the conscious decision to make a real effort to include someone in my life, I've been functioning by myself a while and knew I had to be aware that someone else wanted to be around. So I called several times that week and made sure we spent time together. Then I got sick on birthday week and laid around recuperating. At the end of that week I thought, "Well let's just let it sit a while and see what happens." He has not called me once. When we started this little experiment he said "Where do we go from here?" and I said, "Whatever we do we should do it very slowly if we're smart." I didn't mean we should use smoke signals to communicate.
Now, I've been alone a long time and I'm used to it. In fact I prefer it. But disagreeableness is not something I'm going to invite into my life. I carry enough heaviness, I don't need more. I want someone who makes me smile when I think of them, who most importantly makes me laugh. The ex does none of those things, suppose it's a sign? Duh!
The other study is my best friend who is in a relationship that's lasted almost a decade. his partner is attempting to start a new business, which requires him to be the center of attention for a while during the very stressful process of getting the business up and running. He's not getting that from my best friend, he's getting shit because he doesn't have a job. This is straining the relationship.
What the fuck is wrong with people? Shut the fuck up and support your partner! Shut the fuck up and be nice to the guy you profess to love! In fact just shut the fuck up!
I have to wonder if it's not a gay men thing in which we're programmed not to be happy. Are we so conditioned to fail that when we have a situation right in front of us that has the potential not only to benefit us materially, but emotionally and inevitably spiritually as well, that we are compelled to destroy it?
Best friend is totally relationship oriented, can't function without being in one. And yet here he is IN one, one that's rich in layers, rich in commitment, rich in so many of the things that people profess to desire, and he's messing with it's core by withdrawing his support at a critical time. Every material thing that best friends partner has brought to the relationship has in some way benefited best friend. There's no reason to think this will be any different.
I realize I'm looking to assign blame here, and these people are sabotaging their own lives in stupid and destructive ways, and at their advanced age it's their responsibility. But what we're taught as we grow figures largely into our behavior as adults. And when we're told we're worthless, that we shouldn't love, and that we don't deserve to be happy which we're told all the time in ways big and small, we, just like anyone else, start to believe the lie because it's been repeated often enough we think it truth.
Watch what you teach, make it positive, make sure the lessons you give are positive, and take care of those you love.
And since I spaced it out completely here's HGS
And so it goes:
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