i had no idea

ok, i just looked at the slide show of young cuties i posted a few days ago. I'd only seen it at work where I have the sound turned off on my computer at least nine different ways, and I swear to you I had no idea that horrible music was playing with it.

What is that unchained melody or what? It's just awful I want suddenly to watch Ghost, and i HATE Patrick Swayze. well so sorry I'd stop that horrible noise if I could.

I'll be more careful in the future. Of course I've said that for years.

Love

Love song for Bobby Long

ok, I have to come to the defense of this movie. Even if I'm 3 years too late. It was released in 2004, but I just saw it the other day, and rottentomatoes.com says everybody hates it. Not me.

Sure it was cliched, and sure it used every worn out southern stereotype extant, BUT. I liked it. I liked it because the cast was committed to it. Scarlett Johanssen, whom I truly cold care less about in everything I've seen her do, is fine. I don't hate her, but the lack of depth she let Pursy have kinda pissed me off. Like she just wasn't into the role. Well, then let someone who is into it have the role Scarlett! There are as you know, shitloads of women out there who'd have given their left tit for the part so let them do something with it.

One thing I really ilked about this movie was that though Gabriel Macht is cute as hell, they didn't make it seem so. He was just this alcoholic young guy who was screwing off a few years of his life with Bobby Long. Him I truly liked in this movie.

And Deborah Kara Unger..well she could just stand there and I'd be happy. I think I've only seen her in one bad movie and that movie was so bad it had to be an accidental conspiracy on the part of about a dozen people, so I have to give her that one. Remember,I'm gay, so she's gotta be prety fuckin good to get this from me. I ain't saying it cause she's so hot to me.

My favorite in this movie was John Travolta. He worked his ass off in this thing and you couldn't see a minute of it, now that's what an actor is supposed to do.

Let's get things straight at this point. I am not a John Travolta fan. I don't hate him, but I'm not bowled over by him either. And as for the gay question? Who gives a shit! I'm not attracted to him, and even if I was interested, and he was gay we're never going to meet, let alone date, so what possible difference could it make to me?

But Bobby Long was a singular creation I think Travolta got his teeth into and he planned to take it as far as he could. Don't get me wrong there were moments he let the young and inexperienced director take him places he shouldn't have gone, but overall he was great. His relationship with Gabriel Macht could have come off stilted and easily gay. But it never crossed that line and I always believed it. The scene where he's reading Lawson's book and trying to critique it is perfect. he tries to give criticism for criticism's sake and Lawson isn't having any of it. Bobby knows his place here and he knows this tightrope act will not work with his friend Lawson so he lays off, fast. Exactly what he should have done.

His relationship with Pursy, I think, was influenced by the director, and that dishrag Scarlett. The only time she showed any fire was when she threw out the golddigging b/f from the redneck riviera. I'd say she needed a more experienced director, but I saw her in Match Point. If Woody Allen can't get you to act, you need a new job. This chick just ain't that damn good. True she was paired with the current reigning champ of overacting Jonathan Rhys-Myers, but surely she could do something, ANYTHING!

I loved this movie and though I knew Bobby was going to die, and I don't do get-sick-and-die movies, I watched it anyway. Thanks guys!

have I mentioned...

Have I ever discussed the incredibly bad customer service we endure daily here in America today? It's unbelieveable.

Take for example, Paypal, an institution who advertises their wonderfulness. NOT TRUE!

Well, perhaps if you're a seller, they may be wonderful, but caveat emptor is the rule if you're a buyer.

I recently got a Paypal buyer credit acct and decided I needed to use it to do a few things to my car. So I got online, selected the necessary merchandise, and won my auctions. That's when the trouble started.

Being new to the Paypal buyer credit game I inadvertently clicked on the wrong selection and instead of charging these items to my account I charged them to my bank account. This was not in the budgetary plan for the month of august...or ever at this time. Needless to say I was instantly screwed up in the banking department.

Fortunately for me, I thought, I realized my error instantly and moved to correct it. I called Paypal to enlist their much touted assistance. It was not forthcoming. In fact it didn't exist in my case at all.

I explained my error to the woman "Jen" who answered the phone and se told me, that their was absolutely no remedy for me. This did not ilicit a positive response from me. She then told me that she'd get a supervisor, but there was no way she was going to do it either. This turned out to be the truest statement of the day. The supervisor, coincidentally, also named "Jen" also informed me I was S.O.L. in the help department. She was roundly cursed, and deservedly so.

Now intent on defeating Paypal's evil machine that was bent on the destruction of my very carefully laid out budget for the month. I turned my attention to the seller. There was a good guy. His name was Ben and he works for a company called Opto-Electronic design (raintracker.com) and I will hold them both dear to my heart til the day I die. (yes, I recommend this company)

Ben (if that's not your name I apologize, but I'm pretty sure that's it.) told me he'd just refuse the payment, and I could return to Paypal and pay however I wanted. Ben is a GOD! He did, I did, and all was well. The malignancy that is paypal had been defeated, or so I thought.

This morning I awoke to the need to attend to another auction for car stuff. I'd been outbid overnight so I knew I'd need to be diligent to win this item which was important to me to acquire. I won the auction, very happy. More paypal involvement, not so happy.

Needless to say in my blurry state right after waking I did it again. I clicked on the wrong thing and paid with the bank account again! Upon realizing this I went to my bank account only to discover that Paypal had charged me for yesterday's item anyway! I emailed the seller, bypassing paypal, they're worthless, and asked them to deny the payment so I could fix the problem. No response. Now it was time to go to the bank.

I went in this morning when the bank opened and denied both ACH charges from paypal, which cost me stop-payment fees, which sucks, but it was my mistake and if it keeps the malevolence that is paypal from getting their hands on my money it's totally worth it.

I will use paypal in the future, they're a necessary evil, too many people use them to avoid them completely but I'll be deleting my checking and credit card numbers from that acct today. I will forever curse them and will berate them publicly whenever I get the chance. Being mean to their staff is also a perk I intend to indulge in.

It's a symptom of how little business cares if we're happy. They don't care at all, they just don't want to hear about our unhappiness, they're not the least bit interested in helping us be more satisfied with them. No matter what they tell you.

I hope I sounded appropriately bitter in this post. PAYPAL SUCKS!

I Love Faeries

Just a little pick me up for Friday morning. These couples are adorable so I thought I'd share them with you since Richard Rothstein at Queersighted saw fit to share them with me. Well, his audience actually, but being a member of said audience...

More in a little while, first a bunch of work, then I can play.



OK, I can make a little time here for me before the next pressing project that must needs done before the end of this week.

The folowing is an email I just sent to my brother. There are moments being a senior has merit in this world.-

You know how sometimes there's a revolt at work?

And it has to be led by someone?

Historically it's been me. As we know I have a really low threshold on my Bullshit barometer and things at work frequently set it off.

Well, this time I can say it's so nice to sit back and smile as the youngsters lead the revolution.

They're telling us that we're going to have start covering the circulation desk across the street since they're short of staff. This has caused the young people to go insane.

They're right of course, but it's a losing battle and those of us who've been battered by a few work brouhaha's know how to pick our battles and this isn't a winner.

But it's fun to watch them try.

There are days I love getting older.

Not many but a few.-


So that's the sum of this week. The time for me to look at other avenues of employment draw ever nearer. Hopefully I can make it until spring, which is the plan.

I doubt there will be any serious dustups between now and then. It's simple really, they have a bad manager whom they won't get rid of, for reasons passing understanding, and they're passing his problem off onto the rest of their staff.

A shame really, when you think of the effort and time and money it took to grow this place to where it is, and then to take a giant step backwards into the dark ages rather than hire one more person.But it's civil Service after all, what's a benefit monger to do. I just need to keep my head down, my mouth shut, and make them think I'm a team player for a little longer. Then we'll all part company as friends the way I'd like it.

I am working on a post I want to get right before it goes up. It could sound really melancholy and bitter if it's not done right and I want to avoid losing what could be a great piece to that kind of rhetoric.

It's mostly about not having what I call a true north. That fixed place in the night sky to steer by.

Is it a condition of my generation? Or is it a personal foible of some of us? Is it irreparable? Or does it need repair at all? See, I have lots of questions about it.
Sorry, didnt mean to tease you with this, but I keep mulling it over in my head and sometimes when I do that its best to just put it on a page and while doing THAT it becomes clear. Not always, but sometimes.


Do me a favor, put Bigg from My Confessions blog in your thoughts and prayers. He seems to be vacillating between hanging in there with all his issues and/or throwing in the towel. He writes so well and has such a charmed view of his own life that he needs to continue, and I think he needs our help to do that right now. Let's see if we can do something for him with the power of our positive thoughts. I don't know him, but I think he's a good guy and I want him to win. Here's hoping he comes back from the big woods this weekend with a new outlook and lots of good news.


Love

Merv Griffin, May he Rest in Peace.

The most entertaining, and outright laughable, thing I have read on the internet about the late Merv Griffin since his death, is that he could singlehandedly have prevented the AIDS epidemic if he'd simply come out of the closet,and spoken to his good friends Ron and Nancy Reagan about it.

The mind that could have come up with such a thing is so simple that I thank the Gods that the internet is so easy to use. Otherwise that fool would never be able to spew such nonsense for the world's amusement. Whoever you are, you could singlehandedly prevent the spread of rampant stupidity if you'd just shut up. But it's not likely that we're going to live to see that either!

The fact of the matter is that the only choice we have as gay people in this world is whether to come out or not. We can choose to keep our sexuality to ourselves, or tell the world, but that's about all the choice we get. In fact some of us don't even get that choice.

We have no choice in living in a culture where we're not wanted...a lot. Not totally, I mean who'd teach them about texture and color, but a lot, yes. We have no choice in living in a culture that sometimes would like to "help" us change our sexuality. (oh! please!)

We certainly have no choice in being denied our rights as partners, friends, husbands and wives, when faced with losing someone, no matter the cause.

The fact is that one of the tragedies of our enormous gains in the past four decades in this rigid, homophobic society, is that we have largely ignored, and thereby not taught subsequent generations, what it was like to grow up and come of age in a time when we absolutely had to hide and or deny who we were to simply survive. Merv Griffin grew up in such a time.

My Uncle Frank grew up in such a time.

Until his death at age 68 of emphysema, he lived in his parents house. He had never left. He assumed the responsibility of providing them with a home, since I'm pretty sure they couldn't have afforded one of their own. After their deaths the house was his and he stayed there alone until his own death. Never once did he mention his sexuality. Never once would he ever talk to me about it. It's a pity, because I really wanted to know what it was like growing up in the '30's and 40's as a gay man and I know he was an excellent resource I just could never tap.

Once he brought a "friend" home, whom we'll call "Ed." Mostly because that was actually his first name and mostly because I'm not sure if he's still alive or not and I wish to respect his choices. But Ed was well liked in our family and it was obvious that he liked Frank. It's my opinion that Franks inability to return his affection in any outward way was the demise of their relationship. Because though they were in touch and Ed was mentioned from time to time, and Ed attended Frank's funeral, they were not a couple for long.

I also had a cousin, Bob, who was gay, with whom I shared a relationship we didn't have with our own brothers. As time went on I was fortunate enough to live long enough to have grown to know my brother better and had that relationship. But I digress.

Bob was old enough to have been able to at least touch on the subject with Frank and he shared some of those stories with me.

He told me of an evening when he went to a gay bar and Frank walked up to him and asked what he was doing there. He also told me that his heart sank to his stomach at that moment, because instead of thinking he'd run into Frank at a place where they could share their secret, he thought he'd been caught by a family member who would out him.

That is the world in which our ancestors lived. That is what we have lost sight of. That is why Merv Griffin was silent.

Money, no matter how much, doesn't quell fear. Ask anyone who came from abject poverty and succeeded financially.

We have to remember that our hard won freedom, as much as we lament it's limitations today, is HUGE compared to theirs.

We have to honor their choices, and we have to remember how very different this world is from the one they knew. And we have to remember how similar it is as well.

We also, need to remember to thank them in our prayers for being as brave as they were or nothing would be better, even today.

(Thanks to daniel the guy in the desert blog for the photo. I've no idea where he gets these old pics, but I am so glad he does)

I have seen the enemy and he is us

Last night I witnessed history. Something one seldom gets to do even after living half a century, and I was not alone, millions were watching with me(along with a few very happy spirits), but witness it I did.

I sat in my living room and watched 6 Democratic Presidential Candidates participate in a debate on gay issues, on a gay network, in the United States of America. That was pretty fucking cool, and you could never have convinced me that it would have been possible even ten years ago.

My fear is that it was a Pyhrric Victory. What price did we pay for it? Did we gain anything other than the historical value of the event? As I sat there watching, it occurred to me that it is so human to get caught up in the coolness of what was actually happening that I had to be extra careful to listen to what the Candidates were saying, and weigh their answers.

Sadly, these people, and those who handle them do not yet appear to understand that communication in this country is changing, it is now so multi-layered, that whoever is President of the United States five years from now will be communicating directly with their constituents, and they need to be prepared for that. They're not.

The canned pre-cooked answers that Candidates have gotten away with for years will no longer cut it. The debate over their actions while in office will be ongoing and examined by people in an up to the minute format. They can't expect to try to be all things to the middle of the road and get away with the subterfuge we've tolerated the last 7 years. If he has done nothing else, George W. Bush has cured us of that kind of complacency and though it pains me to do so, I have to thank him for that.

Hillary Clinton, yet again, tried to be everywoman. Letting me know that she understands my dilemma, when she has no clue what it's about, and truthfully could care less once she secures my vote. She'll take that page straight out of her husbands playbook, "get their vote and then ignore them." He was champ at that and she'll be no less.

Barack Obama, Now there's the guy I think is slipperiest of them all at this game. I think he'd tell me water wasn't wet if it meant I'd vote for him. I simply do not trust that man, I wish I could explain it better than that. I think he wants to be the first Black President of the United States, and he'll sell out the gays, the blacks and whoever else would get him there to attain that goal. I think he's naive about foreign policy and his domestic policy wouldn't play with a majority of congress so unless he was willing to continue the Bush tradition of acting like he's king and ignoring the will of the people he'd get little done at a time when direct, quick, and effective action is the single thing we need most.

John Edwards lost me when he started talking about his religion and his discomfort being around gay people. John can take his North Carolina, Southern Baptist bullshit and sell it to some fool who can't see it for what it is. Religious Self-aggrandizement. I see his wife out there saying all this touchy feely stuff about gays and health care etc, but she wouldn't be the President would she? She can say all the great shit she wants to. Mr. North Carolina Southern Baptist can write it off to the ramblings of a sweet wife, and not do any of it. She needs to go back home and concentrate on her health instead of trying to convince me that her husband is a guy worth my time. Thanks Elizabeth, but no thanks.

This brings me to candidates who, unfortunately, are regarded as little more than court jesters by most people.

Dennis Kucinich, this guy gets it. He knows what we need and he knows what we're looking for, and he's saying he's going to do everything he can to get it for us. From withdrawing from and renegotiating our position on NAFTA, to Universal Health care, to Gay Marriage. This guy sees and demonstrates the values this country was founded on and what it stood for before the fundamentalists took it over. He hasn't a chance in hell of winning...too bad. He'd make a great president if he could accomplish what he says he wants to.

Mike Gravel, Another guy who seems to have the interest of the people at heart. He's a little touchy feely for my taste, but he also gets what we need. A no nonsense person who wants to accomplish something that would make a true difference in the lives of the people he serves. Also not a chance of winning the nomination.

Bill Richardson, he shot himself in the foot telling us he thinks we're gay cause we chose to be. Oh, yeah, thanks Bill I just woke up one morning and thought how wonderful it would be to be considered a second class citizen, be denied my civil rights at the whim of any straight person, be outright hated by most of the religious zealots in the country, be told by my own religion that I am worthless and shouldn't allow myself to love, and frequently live in fear for my own physical safety cause I am not safe walking down the street alone. You're an idiot and I can only surmise that the desert sun has cooked your brain.

Chris Dodd I saved for last cause I know the least about him but I do know that he doesn't get the simplest issue, and that's health care. He still wants us to buy health insurance. Health Insurance Companies are the whole problem Chris! If you want to keep and expand the problem by getting EVERYONE to start paying health insurance companies to NOT cover our health needs then what else could you possibly say that I would find of interest? Also no.

Joe Biden couldn't be bothered to participate last night so I can't be bothered to have any interest in his campaign.

So, yes, be proud of what happened last night. Be incredulous that we have accomplished as much as we have. Be happy we're able to enjoy the fruits of our struggles. But listen to what these people are saying...really listen.

Our battles are not through. They likely will not end in our lifetimes. But they have to be continued. Our worth as human beings must be defended at every turn at any cost, and we are absolutley the only one's who will do it. We are obligated to see to it that we are adequately represented. For ourselves, and for those who come after us. We leave so much behind us that is not regarded as worth remembering, let's invest in our legacy for history.

puzzled but not powerless

I just read on Towleroad.com that the New York subways are having flooding issues because of a storm that moved through there his morning. In his post Andy Towle says "God help us all if we get hit by a hurricane."

This is what puzzles me. Why does God have to help us? What is preventing us from helping ourselves? Other than us I mean.

Yes, infrastructure fixes like flooding prevention in the subways would have to be legislated, but if the people stopped thinking with a victim mentality and started actively letting their elected officials know that they intend to have these things and not be extorted by the popular fear tactics of higher taxes and increased terror risk, the most popular methods of not giving us what we need and want as taxpayers, and that we'll elect others who will give us those things if they don't is absolutely the only thing that will get this system out of the rut that it is in.

We must start thinking with our brains, and not living with the fear in our guts that these "politicians" are preying on nowadays. We actually do have the power, and if we'd stood up in 2000 and put a stop to the foolishness over the Presidential election we'd not likely be in Iraq today and we may even have avoided 9/11!

But no! We're all victims, living in a society that is totally out of our control and we just go along with the tide like sheep, who are incapable of shaping our own destiny. This is absolutely not what the founders intended.

We have to stand up and make our voices heard, we have to take the risk that we're the loud-mouthed crazies that speak our minds in public and sometimes embarrass ourselves by attracting the attention that is necessary to mobilize people against the decay and neglect of our country.

We also need to ask ourselves why this is happening. Is our education system failing so badly that we don't teach our students that they have not only the right, but the duty to stand up and speak out against the kinds of things that are happening to our country? That they must speak out against injustice, even if no one seems to be listening. Someone somewhere will hear and the more we speak the more people will hear.

Rome is burning folks! Let's put down the fiddles and get to work putting out the fires and then trying to figure out ways to not only fix the problems, but to prevent some of them from happening again.

It's necessary and it's our responsibility.

now about me

On a more personal note I wanted to borrow a phrase I thought of this weekend. It's from Postcards From the Edge.

The guy who is legally my father, not the real one, has always wanted me to do well...but not better.

Actually, that's paraphrasing, but you get the picture.

Ok, now for the explanation. I was adopted as an infant. Apparently I was conceived at a drive-in movie by two teenagers in Kansas City, Kansas in the fall of 1956. I know her name,(Joann Taylor) and though I have been told I've met her, I'm sure it was when I was very small as I don't remember.

All I know about my biological father is his first name, Doug. I also think he was from Independence Mo. That's it! That's all I know about my own history. There is a certain freedom in that, and imprisonment as well. I can become, from this point on, whoever I want to be, but at the same time I'd kind of like to be who I should be. Doug and Joanne's son.

They're both well into their 60's and should be able to handle whatever life throws at them by now. And it's not like they don't know I'm out there. So should that bastard that's on my birth certificate expire in the next couple of years, and should Doug and Joanne still be alive. I'm planning to look them up. We'll see if the courts will let me do that or not. In Missouri, where the adoption took place, it requires the permission of the adoptive parents if they're alive. And that SOB of mine wouldn't allow it if for no other reason than it's something I want, so I have time I think, I can wait til he's dead.

I've spent 50 years apologizing for my existence to whoever would listen...and there has been no shortage of audience. But now I'm through. The people who have purportedly been my family all my life have succeeded in accomplishing nothing but tearing me down at every turn, making me hate myself and telling me I was as worthless as they. I'm done with that finally. There will be no more apologizing. I hope I don't burn too many bridges on the way out, I'm sure there are some I'd like to cross again.

But the one leading back to the bosom of the family that has done nothing but begrudge me every success, every ounce of progress, every meal I was fed, and every night I spent under their roofs, is not one I care to tread again. My conscience as a member of that tribe is sterling, so no matter what they say, no matter what they do, no matter what heinous, egregious, defaming, lies they throw out there to the universe about me, I can take it. Because no matter the outcome, I know the truth. I can look in the mirror every morning and see a whole person who made it this far against all the odds, and against a bunch of people trying their damnedest to prevent it.

I got this far, I can get the rest of the way. I just have to be careful not to let my dislike of those people eat me up inside.

never say never

I know I said I wanted to devote this blog to discussing my self-hatred issues, but apparently it can't just be about me cause I'm pissed.

How is it possible that Dennis Moore, the oh so self-absorbed, I-could-care-less-about-my-constituents, Representative from Kansas, be one of the few who voted against gutting FISA this weekend? Did EVERYONE need to go on vacation so bad that they were willing to just ignore the constitution and yet again give that son of a bitch George Bush exactly what he wanted? There is simply no hope for the next few years, I swear it.

Bush and his ilk are going to sell this country off in pieces like a failing business that is only worth the parts, not the sum. And we have no one to protect us from it. What a shame that this country which was once so great and proud is going to go out with not so much as a whimper.

We're privatizing the roads, we're selling our souls for oil, we're handing over our civil liberties, and the democrats are helping the proccess right along thank you very much. I cannot vote for another year, and I have no idea who I'd vote for anyway. There is no major party worth my time and there is no interest in supporting a new party that could conceivably carry someone worthwhile to the White House.

Perhaps it really is time to look elsewhere for living quarters. I'd love to spend the rest of my life splitting my time between Santa Fe and San Francisco, but I may wind up living in another country alotgether. This one certainly holds promise only for those willing to give up everything their forefathers fought for, and I'm not among those willing to do so.

When the people finally realize what's going on and try to do something about it, it'll be too late. The United States of America will be done, and at our own hand. George Bush may be a son of a bitch, but he's the instrument we've used to beget our own destruction.

It's the mark of the stupidity I've railed at all my life taking its ultimate toll. The disintegration of a society. Unfortunately it's our own.

Being Me

I suppose that's going to be easier said than done. At my age(50) it's likely to take a while to get comfortable with who I am since I've spent most of my adult life not liking who I am.

I'm 50, I'm single, I'm well educated, I'm gay, and I'm struggling to learn how to be happy. I don't think it has anything to do with my being gay, though. I think it has to do with how I've always been perceived by others as a gay man. Not living my life trying to be all things to all people is going to be a difficult thing to unlearn.

Baby steps.

First, learn to like myself, then worry about others. I think my dislike of myself has always been the biggest reason I don't have a relationship, and can't maintain one when it does come along.

Putting this stuff out there is the first step I think. I know I'm not alone in this, and I know there are others who have been and are going trough it, so maybe I can pick up a few pointers along the way.

Here's hoping.

There's a full life out there for me, and I know I can live it, if I'll let it happen.

The New Me