The soul has greater need of the ideal than the real for it is by the real that we exist, it is by the ideal that we live

Friday, January 25, 2008

not gettin' it done

It seems as though I simply will not motivate today. There's plenty to do, but no real reason to do it. Besides the morning was nothing but one crisis after the other.

Someone gave this woman a "new" computer, that had actually been refurbished and they didn't realize that buried inside the software from it's previous incarnation was the command to change the price of every item in the library system that was scanned by this particular computer...to $0.

I started to see some rather peculiar things in my daily reports and when I finally figured out what was going on I ran a specific report for this issue. It was then that I found out that this week alone said woman had scanned over 500 items. Of course, every item is a different price, so I can't restore them all unless I do it one by one. I love my job, I love my job, I love my job...

So though most of the daily stuff is done there is still some that it appears will not get done before end of day.

Too bad, I'm gonna ogle Nic Gonzalez instead.


Where do they keep these perfect latin men?

My perfect Latin man turned out to be a nut case.

Oh well it's Martini Night!

thought bubble




"I'm gonna beat your ass old man."

"Bring it Bitch."

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

checking in or out as the case may be

I haven't posted in a while. I was pretty sure I'd be too busy this month to do much of this, and so far my prediction is proving correct.

I just wanted to do a follow-up on the Mommie Dearest stuff. It's not had much of an effect on my life really. I never knew any of these people and therefore have no reason to miss them. I don't know what I expected in starting the whole thing up in the first place. It's not a tragedy, just an interesting episode in my estimation. I did find Auntie Georgia. So I do have the option of calling her. If I really want to pursue something to ruin I'm covered.

I need to prepare for my class tomorrow. I have their quiz and most of my lecture outlined, but I think I'll read the chapter one more time just to be sure I have a clue what I'm talking about.

Sad news about Heath ledger. Someone that young should be around a lot longer. I've seen some rather bizarre reactions on the net. From gibberish from actors who should never be allowed to say their own words in public, to attempts to equate this guys untimely death to gay rights. Wow. Everyone needs a piece of some people I guess.

I've been looking at bikes all morning. I don't know that the point is my needing a new one, but more that I just WANT TO RIDE!!! It's 14 degrees though, so I shall continue to look a while longer..like about 60 days.

My kingdom for a horse, and some weather in which to ride the damn thing. I so need to get outside my head...and my body.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Latinfest














Happy Latin Men Festival!!!

Ain't they pretty?

It's FRIDAY!!!

Last nights teaching gig was...well... ok I'm a complete neurotic. It was fine. They were all but comatose and I'd forgotten what that can be like.

Gael Garcia Bernal demonstrates why I always make passes at boys who wear glasses.

And I refuse to jump on the "I hate Ricky Martin because he won't come out." bandwagon. I mean, look at that face. How could one possibly get mad at that?

Freddy Rodriguez I loved on Six Feet Under, and he just keeps gettin' cuter EVERY TIME I SEE HIM!

Kirk Acevedo.......dear god, worth going to prison for. Well, Oz anyway.

Jimmy Smits, I've loved since L.A. Law, so he always gets my vote.

Nestor Carbonell and Eddie Cibrian are excellent arguments for lifting the travel restrictions to Cuba.


Little planned this weekend. It's going to be cold and gray...oh boy my favorite!

I'll probably read, watch movies, and work on lesson plans.

Unless Ricky, Gael, Freddy, Jimmy, Eddie, Nestor, or Kirk call. Then I'm busy.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

I got this feeling...

I am beginning to doubt that this woman will ever screw up the courage to contact me at all. I also found out yesterday that she never told anyone she had an illegitimate child, so I'm her dirty little secret, and the little devil on my shoulder keeps telling me to pursue the matter. But I doubt that I will. So she gets to go to her grave with the knowledge that she had the opportunity to make things right with her past issue of giving up her child and that she didn't take advantage of that opportunity. (I will publish her name here, but I've decided to give her a little more time.)

Today I start teaching. And as everyone has told me, it's not as big a deal as I thought it was. I'm just glad it has come to pass.

We finally got some of that snow I was lamenting yesterday. It's very pretty. And I've had enough winter for one year thanks.

Tomorrow is pretty picture friday. I'll see who comes up this time. Maybe each month should have a theme. I've blown the latin lover theme I started with Enrique because last week was Johnny Depp. But I think I can repair the damage if I do a really good job of latin guys tomorrow. I'll do my best.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Limbo- I thought Benedict abolished that!


I had to come back and spiff this post up with a little levity. Thanks to Daniel, the-guy-no-longer-in-the-desert for the pic of Benny and his "Bitchin'Pimp Hat."

Another Catholic tradition comes smacking down on my head. Limbo, it's where I'm living. We'll see if dear old mom has the courage to call or write.

I have decided to write my autobiography though. I mean seriously that last 50 years have been way too interesting to just pass off without being chronicled. And I'm naming names dammit!

So look for "The Love-child of Perfect Village." in stores near you. Of course, I have to write it. And then find a publisher. And then deal with editors. And galleys. And Proofs.

Ok, well look for it in stores in about four years.

Today I'm a student, tomorrow I'm a teacher. No, literally, today I start pottery class, and then tomorrow I start teaching my classes.

It's been so long coming it's now an anti-climax.

Sorry for the gray mood, I was promised snow today. All we got was rain.

Methaphors, bah humbug.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Thick Plottens

I sent her a letter. I know, it was a chickenshit way out, but I just cannot pick up the phone and potentially disrupt someone's life like that, can't do it.

No response yet. And after yesterday's little conversation with my brother I may not want to have that conversation.

I have to say here that this entire fucked-up family told lie after lie to cover up this dirty little secret and I may never actually uncover the truth. So what my brother thinks he knows, though it may be the truth as he knows it, doesn't jibe with what I've learned over the years. And GOD I hope he's wrong.

You may have read here in older posts about my cousin Bob, with whom I became very close the last 20 years of his life. He was the second generation of gay men in the family and we bonded when I was in my late teens. At that time he lived out of state and after he returned we spent many hours hanging out together. It's possible that he was my uncle, but as I said I doubt that. Besides I have a hard time believing that he would die without telling me. If he did he'd better expect to get exhumed so I can tell him off.

Yesterday I had this little minor medical procedure and someone had to pick me up after, so I called my brother. During lunch I told him about my little adventure into the deep throat world of adoption searches and he told me the version he'd always heard was that Bob's older brother Bill was my father.

This would suck on many levels, the most immediate being that the bastard is dead so I cannot tell him what a fuck he is. He looked me in the eye many times, and never to acknowledge who he was to me is potentially...well, as shitty as it gets, but as I said it doesn't make sense with my evidence, so I'm holding out hope that this story is wrong.

There is compelling evidence that my brother is just another victim of the incredible lengths the family went to in concealing my adoption. So I have to wait to see if this woman calls or writes and if she does, what gets said. See, this is why I hate drama.

And this family "just can't understand" why I won't have anything to do with them anymore.

I'm just mean I guess.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Paving the road to Hell

"You cannot expect people to believe in the promise of a better future when they are jailed for peacefully petitioning their government," Bush said. "And you cannot stand up a modern, confident nation when you do not allow people to voice their legitimate criticisms."

Somebody please tell me George Bush did not stand up and say these things in public with a straight face. See, this guy is crazier than i thought he was, and that's saying something.

We cannot go to war with yet another country. Is he planning on taking over the whole world? Is that what America means to him? Occupy and run, by proxy, every single country that isn't aligned with your views? When, WHEN is someone going to stand up and call this guy out?

Now, I think Hugo Chavez is pretty crazy, but George Bush is more dangerous than Chavez! He's not only got the delusions but he's in charge of the biggest superpower in the world. Scary is an understatement

Write everybody you can think of in congress and tell them you DO NOT want to go to war with another country. I fear those pleas will fall on deaf ears, but do it anyway.

Don't not do it because you think your representatives and senators won't listen to you. I live in Kansas, and I'm represented by Sam Brownback, Pat Roberts and Dennis Moore, so you got nuthin on me.

Do it!

And then pray.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Stepping in family


I love Johnny Depp. He's just always fun to watch. Not ugly either.

I did, I stepped in it this time. It's not irreparable...yet. And I could ignore what I've done and it'd go away. I'm just not sure I want to ignore it. Not sure about any of it really. Ok, I'll stop being cryptic.

The other day, Wednesday I think, I looked at my horoscope and it said that if I ever wanted to solve a mystery that this was the perfect time for me to do so, that I would have great luck at it.

I thought for a while and came to the conclusion that the only real mystery in my life is my birth parents. I have a pretty good idea who my birth mother is, where she is, and what her name is. If I really wanted to I could reach her I think. I've just never had occasion to want to. My birth father though, complete mystery. I MIGHT know his first name. That's it.

So I went online poked around a bit and found a site that had a message board and I posted. I told you I stepped in it.

Now I know dick about the cloak and dagger world of adoption searches. But man is it mysterious. Within three hours I get this email asking for more information. So I told the version of the story I know, which must be fairly accurate, because I get an email back very quickly from someone who tells me that I should call them, they've found my "family" hmmmm

I pondered this rather unexpected development overnight and decided that I wasn't biting without getting some info of my own. (by the way she wasn't exactly where I thought she was.)

I emailed back and asked who this person was, how they came by this info, and just what it was going to cost me. (I've heard lots of horror stories about people getting fleeced by scams like this.)

I was informed that there was no fee for this service, that my contact was someone called a search angel and that their info came from a reliable source who actually knows my birth mother. See this gets even weirder, so I'm kinda creeped out at this point, and I tell them I'll think about it.

Then they emailed me the contact info. Name, address, and phone and told me to call.

Gee thanks, no pressure there.

So here I am with some information on my computer screen and shitloads of rejection scenarios in my head, wondering if I should do this at all. I don't have any animosity about the adoption, it's my understanding I was the product of a couple of teenagers in the mid 50's exercising a huge lack of judgement and I totally get that. So no I don't have any negative feelings about the issue.

The scenarios are many. There's the rejection option. "I don't want you in my life go away and never call here again." ok, well not very nice, but understandable after half a century, I wouldn't like it, but at least I'd have some answer.

There's the "OH my god I thought I'd never find you." option. In which they insist I become a huge part of their lives instantly and run me off with their gushing...no gushing please.

There's the jealous sibling option, where her other children go nuts on learning about me and get rude. That could be a little like an episode of Dallas and I've lived enough of that crap for several lifetimes, thank you.

There's the option where I call, she is so surprised that she drops dead on the spot and then I have another dead mother on my hands. I got two, enough already.

Of course, lurking out there in the back of my head is the option where she goes. "Oh hi! Hey. let's spend a little time getting to know each other and see what kind of a relationship we're going to have. No pressure, no strings, I know you have a life of your own and so do I, so let's not disrupt everyones life over this until we know where we're going with it. By the way, here's your father's name and here's where he lives."

...Yeah I know.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

suffering

I told you blogging was going to suffer after the holidays. Today is the last of the catch up phase and then I get to spend the afternoon and evening working on teaching materials. Nothing clears away the neuroses like a deadline. I freaked out all I can, now it's crunch time. Gotta make it up today, it's due tomorrow.

It's a lot like grad school. With the possible exception that at the University of Arkansas Drama Dept the mantra was: "Why am I just hearing about this now?"

None of that so far.

But last night I was thinking about something:

Has no one made this connection so far, and if not why:




Tuesday, January 8, 2008

it's my party....

I could care less if Hilary Clinton broke down and sobbed on national television. Apparently no one criticizing her has wanted anything that bad before. She's worked her butt off to get where she is and when it sucks ass you get to cry. I'm not a huge fan of this woman, and I don't support her candidacy. But her right to cry after working so hard and getting bitch-slapped? You betcha she can cry.

I don't trust Obama, I just don't. Also, I don't trust the nutcases in this country who'd take out a black President and not think twice about it. And I don't think we're ready. I just don't think we're ready for a woman or a person of color in the White House. I can't see an America that let's George Bush, with his civil rights limiting ways stay in office for eight years without getting impeached, and or lynched, electing a person who isn't white male and Christian. So guess who that leaves? Yup, the southern Baptist. My worst fucking nightmare. (actually that's not true. As Emilio Estevez said in "Freejack." "My worst nightmare is waking up without my penis.")

I don't think this guy would ship us all off to internment camps, but I bet he wouldn't do much to stop someone who tried. Talk about the lesser of evils. That's what we get these days. The least offensive character to lead us around by the nose for a few years, all the while telling us what they're doing is best for us. God we're fucking stupid.

We're going to run up against a real crisis one day and no one in this country is going to have a fucking clue what to do. We're just going to stand there while someone runs right over us and then POOF there goes your democracy. Sorry guys. Did you think it was just a given? That without fighting for it and taking care of it that it'd just be there forever? Well now you know. Good luck to us.

I feel like I'm under siege here today. Every time I think I'm caught up I find some other huge project that needs updating. Work! Work! Everywhere I look! Make it stop!!!(not the direct deposits, just the work)

Monday, January 7, 2008

the story no one is telling

I've been watching with some interest and more than a little dismay the rise of Mike Huckabee as a Republican candidate for president. The best response I can think of to the notion of his candidacy is a line from the film Ghost.

Whoopie and her compatriots are running from Prospect Place Willie who is out to kill them and they knock on the door of an old woman and tell her to let them in, that someone is trying to kill them.

Her response, "Who you kiddin'?"

Shortly after I moved to Fayetteville Arkansas for grad school, I read an article in the paper chronicling then Governor Mike Huckabee's move from the Governor's Mansion to a triple wide trailer on the grounds during renovations. I was sure I had read that and still can't understand why no one is talking about it. So I did a little checking and sure enough. I found what I was looking for.

The article stuck in my mind, for all the obvious reasons, but it also drove home a point that had been made on the first weekend I had lived there. That particular weekend the Sunday Paper featured full color front-page photos of the local chapter of the KKK in full regalia entering the Siloam Springs City Hall for their most recent meeting. Siloam Springs was less then five miles from my front door....I loved living in Arkansas.

So after that story the governor living in a trailer wasn't exactly surprising, but it was notable and I think very much worth repeating here today.

From Stateline.org August 23, 2000:

Arkansas Gov To Call Modular Mansion Home
A Special Report By Steve Barnes In Little Rock


"It is NOT a trailer," declares Mrs. Janet Huckabee, wife of Republican Gov. Mike Huckabee, though it was she who initially teasingly cautioned reporters against calling the home a double-wide.

"It's a triple-wide," Mrs. Huckabee joked.

House trailer or modular home -- and the Arkansas Manufactured Housing Association, which donated the $110,000 house, insists that the latter is accurate -- the Huckabee's move to temporary quarters on the grounds of the Arkansas Governor's Mansion has been a windfall for talk show hosts and late night television comedians.

At 2,100 square feet, the modular home is "big enough for your chin," Mr. Huckabee joked on-air with the Tonight Show's Jay Leno. The Huckabees and their provisional quarters have also been featured on the Today show, NBC Nightly News and the Don Imus radio program in addition to countless mentions in local media across the country.

Temporary housing for the Huckabees was made necessary by a $1.4 million renovation of the Governor's Mansion, the first major refurbishing since its completion in 1950. And Mrs. Huckabee is attempting to raise still more money from private sources -- as much as $4 million -- to significantly expand the stately Georgian brick residence.

Should she succeed, the Huckabee's could remain in the modular residence for as long as two and a half years. The renovations now beginning will require them to live outside the Mansion for ten months.

Every Arkansas governor in recent memory has complained of the inadequacies of the state's executive residence -- usually after leaving office. Its plumbing and electrical circuitry are hopelessly, even dangerously outdated and functions involving more than a hundred people can be accommodated only by erecting tents on the rear lawn.

At three stories and 11,000 square feet, the structure would seem more than spacious. However, one floor consists of administrative offices and meeting rooms, another of "public" spaces and a third, the smallest, is the private quarters of Arkansas First Family. And with no fewer than three official events per week and 16,000 visitors each year, the Governor's Mansion "has become more a small convention center than a home," Mrs. Huckabee told Stateline.org.

Given Arkansas's reputation as a backwater, it probably was to be expected that a modular home would be dismissed as a house trailer in the national consciousness, to the chagrin of many of the state's commercial and cultural elite. But their complaints about the state's image have been muted.

In a Stateline.org interview, Gov. Huckabee said he did not believe his family's living arrangements would embarrass the state.

"I've had dozens of letters and e-mails from across the country from people who appreciated that we were doing this with a sense of humor," Huckabee said.

Nor did he believe accepting a trade association's donation would compromise his adminstration.

"Even if they have some legislation pending, they'd have to deal with the 135 members of the legislature," Huckabee said.

Huckabee contended that the state would realize substantial savings by using the modular house since the Mansion's administrative and security elements would not have to be relocated to a rented property.

The modular home will include three bedrooms, two bathrooms and two living areas, and will provide Mrs. Huckabee with something she said she does not now enjoy in the larger Mansion -- a measure of privacy.

"I'm looking forward to being able to go get a Coke from the refrigerator without getting dressed," Mrs. Huckabee said. "I'll be happy to be able to walk downstairs in my nightgown if I want to and throw myself down on the couch and watch television without wondering what tour is coming through."

Now they aspire to the White House.

And we think we're reviled now.....

Friday, January 4, 2008

Two day weeks seem so long!





Happy Enrique Friday!

I almost posted Kevin Federline pictures, but he's such a tool that even though I think he's handsome, I can't bring myself to give his existence credence by putting his mug on my blog. Besides I figured both of my readers would mutiny when they saw it.

Well with this taxing two day week coming to a close I guess I'll persevere and get caught up here. Still trying to slog through the syllabus mess for the other job, but it'll all work out I'm sure, as long as I don't sit around and wait until the 9th to do it.

I am a little less happy about the new laundry close to the apt. This morning I was greeted with not only the proprietor, but apparently three of her teenage kids and a shop full of cigarette smoke. Now, what does that say about the freshness of my clothes when I get them back this afternoon? We'll see how long she stays in business. How do you screw up a laundry? It's not like there's a lot to learn about the process.

Barack Obama huh? hmmm. I don't know. I guess we've had less experienced Presidents, but I really fear having a person of color in the White House. With all the religious fervor in this country I'd be afraid of another assassination. It just doesn't seem that we're ready. Of course gay people are fucked no matter who wins out of this bunch, so getting the best deal on everything else I suppose is the best we can hope for.

I was surprised that Edwards took second place. I was sure it would be Hilary. I just don't think enough people like her to get it done. Wouldn't it be weird if we wound up with the Southern Baptist white guy? "AMERICA TAKES A GIANT STEP SIDEWAYS" would be the headlines.

Have a good weekend.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

I should have kept going

I've made a huge mistake! A colossal error in judgement. A big boo-boo!

I went back to work.

After two weeks of being away I find that people(and we know how much I love THEM) have gotten into things they should have stayed out of, not gotten into things they should have, and generally spent the holiday season making a huge mess I get to straighten out. I'd be such a better manager if it wasn't for all those...people.

On top of which indignity, I have managed to wait until the last minute to write the syllabi for my classes and now I'm feeling a bit of pressure. A bit,actually,is an understatement. I'm trying not to wet myself.

At least I read the books that's some help. Now I get to decide what they need to know. And I have a week to get it done. The Dean wants to see it before the 10th. So I'll be starting the New Year off just as I suspected. Running around as though my undies were up my ass and my hair was on fire.

It's such fun coming back from two weeks off and after 90 minutes it's like I never left. At least I get to scream and rant in peace,no one else has come back yet. I think I have today and tomorrow to vent while I sort things out and formulate a plan.

I wish I could incorporate Gin into that plan but it just doesn't seem prudent.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

HAPPY NEW YEAR!





Greetings! Salutations! I hope your New Year is happy!

I entered 2007 with great unceratinty. Not so this year! I've made resolutions.

Well, I made one. To have fun. I believe Sean Penn's character Conrad, said to his brother Nicholas in The Game, (one of my all time favorite movies) "Yeah, fun, you know what that is. You've seen other people have it." I believe The Game is proof of what David Fincher can do when he's got a good script. Zodiac wasn't his fault, there's just no story there.

Well I've got bad news for all you fun-hoggers. I'm in this year! I'm going to be much easier to get along with than usual, because I'm going to be having a good time. Got problems? Sorry! Got Drama? Really Sorry! Got a need to keep others from enjoying their life? Good luck getting your claws in me this year.

I'm going to laugh, explore, meet, learn, travel, and approach it all with a smile. There's too much to do, and too much to learn and too much to see not to get out there and spend every minute possible doing just that.

2007 turned out pretty good. I was happy with it. But 2008 is going to be even better. I now realize that the things I want aren't impossible. I have the skills, the tools, the credentials, and the desire to have all of them. The version I get may not be exactly the fantasy version in my head, but it'll be the best version I can manage.

I'm gonna meet me some men, go some cool places, and see some cool stuff.

Since it's a new year here's a little lovely for you to Start January with:


Monday, December 24, 2007

White Christmases

Have a good one all! I've decided to eschew the expensive watch and treat myself to some horseback riding in the mountains for Christmas instead.

Merry Christmas!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Warm Christmas Fuzziness (you were warned)

I had no intention this morning when I woke up of being all Bah Humbug on your asses, and I hope this is not how this post turns out, but I have made note of a disturbing trend.

What in the hell do you all go home for Christmas for? Seriously. I have read four blogs this morning and even the usually banal psychiatrist is a grouch. There appears to be tension barely contained just under the surface of almost every single holiday encounter I've read about. Thankfully, at no time am I regretful of my estrangement from my family, and a blog day like this solidifies my position.

Yesterday we had a minor snow event. It was blowy and we ended with just a few inches of snow, so I spent the day in.

Thinking, at one point, that I was feeling reflective over the last year and the solstice, I got out my calendar and looked at some of the things I'd done and seen this year.

Though the near miss with the law was resolved, and a horse nearly did me in, I feel incredibly lucky. In fact because those issues were resolved I feel incredibly lucky.

I became a better horseman this year than ever before, and though there is an unmeasurable distance to go before I would even think of calling myself a true horseman, I have learned a lot, and I have spent time developing my skills in that area of life. I have also begun, ever so slightly, to resume my relationship with animals. They're smarter than us you know. We make it all so difficult and they boil it down to the basics in seconds. They live simply too, which, in my book makes them WAY smarter than us. I am entertaining the notion of having a dog in my life again. I miss the company. My trepidation exists on only one level, I'm not home a lot. From Monday morning through Friday afternoon I am only home to sleep. This means a dog would be alone, cooped up in my apartment all the time without interaction of any kind, and that leads to all sorts of issues in my experience. It's also incredibly unfair to the dog. So I'm still thinking about that one.

I finally figured out who the crazy people in my adoptive family are. Unfortunately, it turned out to be my people. I had hoped against hope that this was not the case. But I've always contended that one simply becomes more of who one actually is as one ages. So since they've just gotten crazier and crazier, to the point that it's undeniable, I have to face the facts and move on. I don't miss the insanity and the turmoil that was my life with them in it. In fact things have settled down quite nicely.

I've spent my entire adult life with friendships that provide more than that family unit could ever dream of. As I've said before the family you get isn't always the family you get. So, Jim,Keith,Kenne,Cheryl,Kathy,Abby,Ani,Don,Linda,Chuck,Michele, CC,and Lisa-Lin,thank you for being my family. Just...well...Thank you.

I got that teaching job I have dreamed of for decades. I just have a few weeks to prepare, and then the challenges really begin. I'm sure I'll be a mess that first day and I'm sure I'll screw it up several times, but the process is for everyone to learn including me. So though I have fears, I'm going to bundle them up in my gut and go stand in front of that classroom and have that dream.

I traveled a bit and though there are new horizons in my sight I have things that must be attended to first. I went to Santa Fe, and San Francisco, and Chicago, and Las Cruces, and San Juan. I hope I get to see all the places I have in my mind over the years. I'm a little cautious about it since there is apparently some gay travel gene that I hope not to indulge. I don't want to do it so I can tell people I did it. I want to do it so I can see the world in a unique way.

I'm looking at horseback riding vacations in Peru, and walkabouts in Australia, and bicycle tours of Ireland. I want to see the life in these countries,not the tourism. I believe that people are just people and the only way to learn that for sure is to go talk to them. You can't do that from a tour bus. I'm trying to figure a way to spend a few months in Mexico doing an immersion school for Spanish. That,I think would be extremely cool.

I'll be moving sometime in 2008 to New Mexico,permanently. I'd love to live in Santa Fe, but that may not be feasible. It may have to be somewhere else so I can maintain my financial plans for at least a modicum of security. But I need that place. I need the things it has always offered me, and the way it makes me feel to be there. The reasons not to stay here become more and more clear as the days pass, and though I like my job(s) at least I now know what I want to look for in the future.

Personally, I've stayed away from relationships. My focus this year has had to be me and my life and my future. I wouldn't have been any use in a relationship with anyone in 2007, and I knew it. Perhaps I can turn my attention to such things before next solstice.

So after all that reflection I was hungry, and I made a big pot of steak soup. The rest of the evening I sat and watched it snow out my windows. Thankful that I want what I have.

Enjoy your time with your families. I hope it's not as stressful for you all as it sounds. And I hope you return home refreshed and ready for the New Year. Wow, I made it all the way through without Bah Humbug, cool.

Friday, December 21, 2007

freaky things



I could live without the cigarette, but Kyle is awfully cute. Happy Friday, and Merry Christmas.



Ok, I understand that you are probably not going to understand what I am talking about here. But I have to write this down, it was too weird, and too strange, and too scary not to talk about.

I'm sure you all know that everyone has crazy relatives in their family. In my case it's my adoptive family and though they're not from the south they should be, because the correct question wouldn't be, "Is there insanity in your family?" But "What side is it on." In their case, both. And the woman in question got a double dose.

As you may know from reading this blog, I am estranged from this adoptive family, precisely because of their insanity, and their desire, nay, need, to play redeemer/persecutor with the poor homosexual bastard they unwittingly brought into their midst some 50 years ago.(no I'm NOT over it thank you very much) They're nuts, they suffer from massive narcissistic personality disorder and I refuse to go near them again. But, as usual I digress.

You probably also have gleaned from my posts that I have a part time job in a grocery. I chose this particular grocer because it's obscure, it's pricey, and it's in a neighborhood the defectives wouldn't frequent. Minimizing my chances of being discovered. (STOP! You're getting there ahead of me)

Last night, as luck would have it, there was no till for me to open a drawer with, so I was asked to sack. I NEVER SACK! NEVER! It's not a snobbery thing, but all their cashiers are old ladies, and they are accordingly slow...I mean S-L-O-W. Therefore during the evening rush on days I work I wait on about three customers to their one. So I am chained to a register from the moment I get there. Not so last night, which was fortuitous. After about 20 minutes I looked up from sacking and noticed this singular apparition slinking down aisle 2.

Now there are people in everyone's life whose visage is unmistakable and she is mine. Hugely ratted black wig. (this facilitates her delusion that she looks like Elizabeth Taylor. Especially when she puts in her violet contacts. No I am not kidding.)Anyway said apparition was walking into aisle 2. IN MY STORE! One of my managers was about to give me a till so I could open a register and I waved her off saying I had to excuse myself and went to the back.

I proceeded not only to go to the back room, I went to the basement, this is how much I did not want to see this woman. Feeling like a freak I called my manager and explained to her that I would be staying in the back for a while and though I could hear in her voice that she did not understand what was up, she wasn't going to question me. I immediately called my brother.

"You will not believe who is in this store!" I said. "D" he said. "Worse." after the briefest of pauses he said,"LIZ!" he went there immediately...see what a scourge she is? We spent the next few minutes discussing what the hell she could possibly be doing there and how she could have found out I worked there. Yes, the paranoia muscles were in full adrenaline overdrive. Primarily because I live in fear of a public confrontation with this nutcase, and I couldn't think of another reason she would be there.

My managers reported to me later that she came to the customer service desk to buy her juice with her food stamp card, confirming that it was her as far as I was concerned. Only she would go to such lengths to hone her skills as a professional victim.

Alas, the Gods were thankfully with me. I called the desk and explained to my manager what was going on and she offered to walk the store and see if she had left. The report a few minutes later was favorable. So I gave it another five and then went back to work. I thought if I made it another hour I'd be safe. I did, there was no further haunting to report.

AND, I figured out that "D" was probably taking her to the restaurant around the corner for Christmas. So her appearance was likely an accident. I'm reasonably certain of this. Because if she had seen me, she would not have been able to pass up the chance to make eye contact and she would then have made sure that "D" had seen me as well. There would have been a scene, and she would have made sure of it.

So though I am better now, I had to record the occurrence. It was so strange. I consider the near miss my Christmas present from the Gods. Let's pray that I am right, and there won't be any stalking. The chances are further minimized by the news that I did indeed get the job teaching at the college and though I may keep the grocery job for one evening a week I won't be there on a regular basis and she won't be able to find me easily. Phew!

I'll try to blog over the holidays. I'm doing a lot of roaming though so it'll be spotty.

Love

Thursday, December 20, 2007

I'm on someones blogroll

Woohoo! I found my blog on someone's blogroll for the first time! And I'm on there with the likes of Richard Rothstein, no less. THAT'S A BIG FUCKING DEAL TO ME!! Of course, I'm also on there with a blog called "Zac Efron please stop tanning" so there are mitigating factors.

I think I know who Zac Efron is. I think he's the Bobby Sherman of 2007. If that's who you are Zac I have a piece of advice. Save, Save, Save.

I can't write anymore I have to go follow the link from that blogroll to here over and over and over..... hee hee!

Man I need a vacation.

is it possible?

Could there be a gay news magazine that interviews people and doesn't ask them prurient questions?

I just read an Advocate interview with Kyle Chandler, and there just had to be questions about towel snapping in the locker room scenes on Friday Night Lights. I was embarrassed for Brandon Voss. I mean seriously, can't you just ask the guy about the show, and his role, and his body of work, and maybe his future career plans and possibly his family without asking about hot young actor football players? How embarrassing.

What would happen if there was a gay magazine that did just that? Would we then start to see a more thinking gay men and women model come to the fore? Would we be thought snobs? We'd probably be thought log cabin-ers. Sad but true. Not to say that only log cabin members are thinking men and women, because I hope that I am a thinking person and GOD knows I'd never be a log cabin republican. But I fear that could be our label.

We'd be ridiculed for creating a gay magazine that didn't ask about young humpy guys while interviewing the old straight guy in the cast. There would be little doubt that we'd gone off our "purty little heads" if we tried to be serious about issues and events, unless someone had tried to break up the pride parade. Then we can go off-fer sher.

But what if we expected to be taken seriously? What if we just put it out there that there was a gay magazine that did interviews that weren't about sex? Whose stories didn't ultimately wind up somewhere between the navel and the knees, and only aimed for the brain? Would that be risky?

Possibly. But it'd sure be cool wouldn't it?

Monday, December 17, 2007

the misconceptions of gifting

How did we come to the conclusion that all gifts at this time of year have to be just spectacular? Which is to say expensive. I've been reading all over the internet this morning about people who are having crises over gifts they're giving.

Some are to friends, some to family, some to significant others, but all the posts I've seen are these angst-ridden diatribes from people thinking they can't afford to buy someone an appropriate gift. Now that could make me sad...IF IT WASN'T SO STUPID!

Do I somehow owe someone a gift? Is there some sort of obligation implicit in the receipt of a gift or a favor? If so I missed that part.

If I choose to give you a gift, that means that you mean enough for me to spend the time and thought necessary to find a gift that makes me think of you when I look at it, will make you think of me when you do the same, and that I can afford to give you.

I have two friends of over 30 years and we are in no danger of ever ending our friendships. It's just not going to happen. I can't stay away from them, nor they me. The bond is there,(believe me we've been through it and back)and though I could examine it to death I could never explain it and I won't try here. But we have never exchanged gifts at Christmas. Birthdays sometimes, but not usually. Christmas never. It was an agreement I asked for many years ago when I had a family that numbered upwards of 20 and I was a struggling actor. They both immediately said, it was fine and we've stuck to it ever since. I once bought gifts for K and his partner because I was in grad school and they'd graciously allowed me to stay in their house for three weeks during Christmas break while I was in town. K sheepishly told me on Christmas morning that he had no gift for me, and I had to explain to him that I considered the extended stay my gift in the first place. I mean three weeks, really. In my house I'd be hard pressed to let someone stay that long. They never batted an eyelash. Well, said partner did tell me to stop leaving my coffee cups all over the house at one point, but since I was doing that and it was extremely inconsiderate I can't really say he didn't have a point. But I digress.

The point is this. If you want someone to have something, go shopping. Find something that makes you think of them that is within your budget and buy it for them. I think you might find that the time spent considering the important people n your life will bring (that personally dreaded) warm Christmas fuzziness to you in a way you didn't expect. I mean that's really what we're supposed to be after here, isn't it? Taking stock of how important people are in our lives and letting them know how much they mean to us.

It is not about how impressive the gift is, nor how much it cost, nor where it came from. It's about the very notion that someone cares enough about you to go out and spend part of a day looking for something that, when you look at it, will warm your heart at the thought that went into its selection. A gift should say "You mean something to me." Not, "You're worth THIS much to me."

Shopping with this mindset is the only way I can do the Christmas thing. Otherwise it's just a chore that I loathe, and Bah Humbug is no way to spend the next week.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

good intentions





I truly intended to do a very thoughtful and reminiscent post on Friday. But I had to WORK!!! (the nerve of those people.) And boy did I have to work. There was a ton to get done before The end of the week. Also I have to get ahead a little since I'll be gone from the 21st through the 2nd. Blogging will certainly suffer the first month of the new year I can tell you that right now. Back to work will entail catching up on three weeks of stuff that will have stacked up, and if I really am teaching I'll have a few things to prepare before classes start the middle of the month. Yikes, what have I gotten myself into?

But Friday I intended to talk about Antonio Carlos Jobim. I checked out a cd from work that I hadn't heard before and it was unexpectedly filled with memories.

When I was a child, my parents used to have two or three cocktail parties a year. Remember this was the early 60's and those things were popular. So was the Bossa Nova, and invariably they would hire this trio to play for the two or three hours of the party before everyone settled down to tables for an evening of bridge. I'm sure all these guys knew was Jobim and they played it with gusto, I didn't know the difference I was like 6. Some of the adults would dance, most would at least be shimmying about at a song or two. Being the child in the house I remember watching them from the stairs and thinking how much I couldn't wait to be a grownup and attend these functions. They all looked like they were having such fun.

But this cd induced me to think of those times. I'd bet there weren't more than 6 or 7 of them in my whole childhood, but they made an impression I guess I'll always carry with me. Uh-oh could this mean warm Christmas fuzziness is in my near future? Gods forbid!

I had Christmas with my brother's family yesterday since I'll be out of town starting next Saturday. I made out like a bandit. They did pretty good too, so it all worked out. But I was happy to see them and best of all it snowed actively all through my family Christmas. I went immediately to the western store and bought myself a straw hat,spurs, and a wallet for next summer with my gift certificate and then went home and had a gin and tonic in my new cocktail glasses. Then I went to dinner with friends. When I got home I put on my new slippers and jammies and watched reruns of entourage on HBO. God I love peaceful evenings. I went to bed and worked on a little of a John Grisham I'm reading. Slept way too long, but I feel good today. This afternoon I'll put away the rest of the gifts and send thank you's. Is this what Christmas is supposed to be like? Stress-free and filled with enjoyable moments? Who knew? I've been living "The Lion in Winter" so long I had no idea.

I'd love to go out and make some pots but it's 17 degrees and the only way into the studio is to open the garage door. This means that little heater has to start all over when the door closes. Maybe I'll wait till later in the week when it's warm.

The car has to have some warranty work this week and I'm starting to think I may have actually found a dealer that isn't genetic slime like the current one. When I said I'd just stay with the car they told me they'd take me to work, and that it wasn't too far away. The other dealer is exactly 49 blocks due west of my office and they wouldn't take me to work. This one is over 15 miles away and they're telling me I'm crazy to sit there all day. I may have fallen in love.

Speaking of which, well not love,perhaps infatuation, (or is that just lust?) but one of the things I meant to mention was a shocking moment at the grocery the other day. This guy came up to me and asked if I could help him find something, and oh my was he cute. I took him to the taco shells and then the tortillas and when he was done he came to me to pay for his groceries. I was so shocked that I could not take my eyes off that mop of silvery hair. Lord what has happened to me? Am I really 50? I do hope he becomes a regular customer. Only on Sunday's of course, since that's the only time I'll have to work after the new year. Maybe I should be sure he knows that. Listen to me, shameless. But then again if I don't blow my own horn I can't expect him to have the opportunity, now can I.

I'm making a blog on which to display and possibly sell some of my pots. it's roampottery.blogspot.com
I'll put a button on the sidebar of this blog and vice versa when I have time to figure all that out. So far I've gotten a few pictures posted and the basics setup.
At the least it may put me in touch with some other potters and maybe I can expand my network in that regard. That would be nice. I like the solitude of ceramics, but once in a while I need to see other people doing it, and maybe talk about it. I tried the local clay guild but I didn't feel very welcomed. So hopefully this blog will help my cause in that regard.

As a last note today's handsome guy pic is Mitch Longley, currently of the series Las Vegas. In finding this picture I discovered he had also been on a couple of soaps and I do remember him in Judging Amy reruns when I was in grad school. (anything to avoid studying during the midday hours)the point of this exercise is that he is a dead ringer for the guy in the grocery the other day. Fun huh?

Have a good Sunday.

Love

Thursday, December 13, 2007

what's that big yellow thing in the sky?

It appears the sun is shining for he first time in over a week. at least for the day. Tomorrow clouds again and then prognostications of some snow tomorrow night. I don't believe that either. One forecaster said it'll be a non-event. the other says it'll be a shovelable event. I don't shovel anymore so I could care less about that part, but some nice peaceful pretty snowfall couldn't hurt.

I was just accosted by the supply Nazi at work. Went for a pen out of the cabinet and he appeared behind me demanding to know what I was doing. I guess, since I look for his days off and then raid the damn thing to avoid exactly this kind of treachery, that he thinks when he's not looking he loses his shirt and needs to be vigilant is a strategy that's backfiring on me. Of course, he's a little crazy too so that doesn't help his cause. Everyone needs to own something I guess.

I must be about to go back into higher education again. I just went to the college website to check my own schedule as a student and thought I'd look to see if the classes I had interviewed for had made. I am listed as faculty and I have students. No one however, has ever notified me that I have the job, nor given me my email address nor passwords to access the faculty pages, or anything else one might expect of a new job. Yup, back in higher ed. alright. The faculty is kept more in the dark than the students.

I know that I should have watched the Republican debates last night just to see what they're saying, but I just couldn't do it. I really tried. I sat there with that remote in my hands and thought, "you've got to do this, it's your civic duty." Didn't work. I just can't look at the field of candidates they have this time. I just can't even look at them! How can I make an informed decision in November when I haven't listened to everyone. OK, yes, it's true that I'd never vote republican anyway, but it still seems unfair that I'm voting without knowing everything I can. It won't stop me, but I'll feel appropriately guilty.

I took lunch to the women who staff the office at my apartment complex today as a christmas present. I've never lived someplace where they're so service oriented and I think that's the least I can do to say thanks. They seemed a little uncomfortable with it, but too bad. Eat!

Tomorrow I'm having dinner with my old friend J. Haven't seen him in months. It's silly because we live about 3 miles apart, but I tend to keep my schedule full and he's a bit of a butterfly when the holidays come around. So it'll be nice to catch up after several months.

It's Texas and New Mexico still running neck and neck for the holiday trip. I just can't decide, but the availability of horses may be the deciding factor. There aren't many left in Dallas proper. Selfish I know, I should go see LLMB, but it IS my holiday after all. And I'm all about doing exactly what you want on the holidays. Like I said, the jury is still out.

Phew! I'm scattered. Back to work, maybe that'll focus me. I promised I'd brilliant today. That'll teach me.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

gray-ness



Man I sure hope this is a mug shot.

I’m lethargic. I suppose it’s because we’ve had gray skies for over a week. But I also suppose it could be because I have young neighbors who live their lives between 11pm and 7am. Not conducive to living in an apartment. I could go on about it. But it’s all just silly stuff with kids in an apartment. It’ll either go away or they will.

I am ready for some sunshine though. They’re now saying that will happen tomorrow. Of course it’ll be 25 degrees for the high, so I can look at the sunshine from my office, but going out in it is not likely.

I just ran across an article about some child star, (not really a child but he’s ridiculously young) Shia something-or-other, and apparently he was arrested in Chicago for refusing to leave a Walgreen’s, (whatever) but in the melee of his arrest there were pictures taken. One of the people whose blogs I read with regularity is apparently enamored of this kid. Because he posted a picture of the arrest with the caption “Shia, stop being all hot and shit, yo!”

This kid is hot? He looks like a cartoon character to me! Am I THAT old?

Shit...yo.

Still can’t decide what to do about travel over the holidays. I feel like I have to go somewhere, and I do have a friend in Dallas I haven’t seen in years, so I could do that. I was looking at lastminute.com to see what kind of deal I could find and they’re not bad. Of course who the hell actually wants to go to Dallas in the middle of the winter, so there should be good fares. No horses if I go there, but I will be able to catch up with an old friend and that would be fun. Of course we’d have to do it before 9pm when we both have to go to bed. Again, too many choices.

We did not have that ice storm they touted on the news for four days. It rained. The storm went north of us, thankfully, and it seems they got clobbered. But it missed us. Told Ya!

Tomorrow I'll be brilliant. I promise.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Your results:
You are Spider-Man
Spider-Man

100%
Iron Man

90%
Batman

80%
Superman

80%
Green Lantern

65%
Catwoman

60%
Hulk

60%
Robin

50%
Supergirl

50%
The Flash

40%
Wonder Woman

30%

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.



Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz



This is still not the way it appears everywhere else, but it'll have to do, I really do have work to do. Though I'd love to spend the day and night on this I simply can't. I do love the part about my being geeky though. I hate when these quiz things are spot on. I suppose that's why I've always fallen in love with every nerd I've ever met. Put me in a football stadium full of hot gay men and one nerd and I'll find him. My gaydar is bad, but my nerdar is perfectly tuned, and if that nerd is gay, well that's Kismet.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

BTW

I have been cleared by the medical establishment to return to my ways of drinking gin, smoking dope, and having sex with strangers. Or whatever configuration it is you youngsters do nowadays. Whatever it is I'm not going to keel over from it apparently.

Too bad too, keeling over was part of the fun.

Now I just have that pesky colonsocopy to look forward to, but...well you've all gotten there way ahead of me so I'll just go on with my Saturday.

Love

Friday, December 7, 2007

sad/angry**angry/sad

I wasn't going to post anymore today,I've just been a head case all day, I even forgot my briefcase this morning. But I just stumbled across this blog while I was waiting for report to finish and though the beginning, in which our hero is telling us a story about his frustration over something that happened to him and subsequently the revelation from his most recent crush that the interest was mutual and that now they've been together ten years, and then this...

“...The look on my face was something far beyond astonishment. I was speechless for perhaps the first, and last, time in my life. I have no recollection of what words I used to respond that the feelings were mutual. What I do remember is sliding out from the booth together and entering into the cold dark night, warmed by the recent revelation and so befuddled with emotion and surprise that neither of us knew what to say or do next. As the night was late, I had to work early the next morning and we were both exhausted and still dazed with the revelation, we mutually agreed to pursue this further the next day after work and began to head to our separate cars. At that time, we were both far more concerned about our visibility and the potential danger of open affection in a public place, so despite our clear desire to share that first, magical kiss, we hesitated, an unspoken understanding passing between the two of us that we understood each others hesitation. Before I could turn to go, my new requited crush slid his foot across the pavement to touch mine and whispered "I'm kissing you now."

He touched his foot to mimic a kiss???? Do I really live in that world where two people are actually afraid to kiss each other?!?!

Shit I need come gin.

and some Josh.

ok ther's no josh in our a/v section so I'm watching shattered glass at Prince's recommendation.

Drinking gin too.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

i really do have my homework

I've got a post, it just isn't working. I can't seem to say what I want to say today.

Sunday I spent a buttload of money on christmas presents. Monday morning the coffee maker bit the dust, the computer wouldn't buffer music, and I had to go pitch my project to the acting classes at the college, which presentation met with utter silence. I bought the cheapest coffee maker on the planet on my way home. It makes the worst coffee I've ever tasted.

Tuesday, I blew up all the treadmills at the gym first thing in the morning. NO idea what happened all the power just went out and wouldn't come back on. Then I went to three stores to get this coffee maker I'd seen online and when I got to the third store I found out the damn thing was only offered online so I had to go back home and buy it.

This morning my hat blew off in the parking lot at work and I chased it half a block. Then I tried to write in plain english, a post about civil liberties and free speech and it seems I can't be coherent.

I'm starting to see a pattern to my week.

Rob Brezny at Freewill Astrology says I'll have fun this week. I guess that means I have to laugh at all this shit.

Well the check I just got from the city to replace my windshield that was broken by falling debris from their tragically neglected parking structure should help.

I'll try it again tomorrow kids. I think this is one of those days best canceled.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Dorothy Puhr

She was probably the best of them. She certainly knew the key was to enjoy life. She was the black sheep, and I loved her best. She was my aunt and I lost her Sunday.

In my early years I was exposed to only the maternal side of my family. My Father's family was in California and though we visited annually, it was only two weeks and that doesn't much impress a 5 year old.

But Dorothy always took an interest. She always listened, and she always welcomed me into her home and her life graciously. There was no pity because I was that little bastard that my parents had adopted. No consideration of the dirty little family secret that was me, and no judgement on who I ultimately was as an adult. It was just, Oh! Hi! Come on IN! Would you like something to eat? How about a drink, I could use a drink,how bout you. Just a little one.

Her fried chicken was legendary. Even if she was here I couldn't eat it anymore, way bad for one's heart health, but ooh it was good.

On holidays the entire family would gather at a local park and spend the day. 4th of July, Labor day, we missed nary a one, and you could find her standing in front of the stove first thing in the morning cooking her chicken and packing for the day at the park. The other sisters also brought stuff, but I couldn't tell you what it was, all I wanted was Dorothy's fried chicken and Faye's depression cake. The rest was just filler.

In my childhood she was married to Howard. He died when I was 5, and it's interesting that I remember him as well as I do. He had curly hair like me, drank Falstaff beer, smoked Kools, and always carried a church key in his pocket to open a beer can. He called me Frisbee. They treated me as though I was a kid, nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary, just a kid. It was the best.

Her true love hadn't been able to marry her. He was Catholic and she was not. She found Howard and was happy. After losing him though her luck really shined. She found her true love and he was free. They spent the rest of his life together. I don't recall ever seeing one without the other in over 40 years. They were truly best friends, and they had great stories.

I love you Dorothy. You were tremendous.

Now let's have a drink.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Friday and completely lazy




I wanted to talk about all kinds of things today. I had plans to discuss my new job (which is still not finalized) and talk about politics, which needs discussing, and the weekend, which I oh so looking forward to, and art and my friend Keith whom I haven't seen in weeks.

Alas, I am just so lazy today I can't seem to get motivated to discuss anything. All I want to do is laze the day away. And since the power will be going out at my office within the hour, and without a computer I am redundant, I guess I'll be going home to do just that.

Well enjoy the fair-haired Texan in the picture. He's a little young, but aren't they all nowadays. Happy Friday and have a good weekend.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

denials

I've been denied the first choice of my name change. So I now have to choose from the original list I submitted. I've made the choice, and also moved the blog to an address that reflects that choice. You should be redirected automatically.

I thought I'd mention this since I know some of you just can't live without your daily fix from this blog.

It's now wileykyote.com like wile e coyote(the cartoon character who never spoke. Now there's a dichotomy for you, since I never seem to shut up), but it's in the available domain name version.

I'd attach the Warner Bros. cartoon theme song, but I find it so annoying when I'm trying to read blogs at 5am and out of the speakers comes blaring some song the blogger just knows I can't live without hearing. So I'll spare you that on this page.

the problem is the point

Ok, before I talk about me, since that's all I seem to be able to talk about lately, I have to relate a great story I just heard.

Apparently a patron here at the library checked out a few of the Russ Meyer movies we have in our a/v department and upon returning them remarked to the person at the desk that Russ Meyer "had a real problem"

How do you explain that Russ Meyer's problem WAS the point?

I've noticed that bloggers everywhere abandoned their posts and went off to celebrate the holiday. They're returning slowly but surely and updating us on their exploits. It's nice to see them return.

Myself, I am holding at bay any thoughts of holidays, and christmas memories, and warm fuzziness, for the moment. It'll overtake me at some point and there'll be some saccharin post for which I'll be totally regretful but I'll leave it up because that kind of being human is good for me. Not really my thing, but good.

Rob Brezny, my guru, advises me this week to read Relationships for Dummies.

Oh my.

I knew it never went well, but I wasn't aware it needed that kind of help. Just before the holiday I was invited by a man on this "social networking" site I was talking about a few weeks ago, to meet for coffee. We tried to get it together before Thanksgiving, but everyone was leaving town, I have three jobs, the only time I had was not possible for him, etc.etc.

So ultimately I recommended we table the meeting until after the holiday. It seemed the smart thing to do. We all put so much pressure on ourselves at this time of year anyway, it seemed silly to get all worked up about meting a stranger for coffee and doing it in a rush. My feeling was, and still is, "Let's meet when we can sit and talk for an hour or two and really find out if there is any interest."

Apparently I missed my window. I've heard nothing since I made the suggestion. Ah well.

They just brought some new books to my office. One of them is "Become a Better You" by Joel Osteen. Read, "Become a better you, just don't be gay" This is the guy I was railing about a while back who was teaching people to expect that God owed us soemthing, that we should expect that our God is just waiting to make all wrongs in our life right and that all we have to do is let God know we expect that and it'll happen. Seems a trifle selfish, but that's just me.

I believe it was his brother-in-law who recently renegged on the offer to allow a funeral to take place for a guy in Texas, Dallas I think, because though they offered it to his sister who apparently was involved with the church somehow, they subsequently found out this guy was gay and called the whole thing off. Good Christians they. They might want to take heed of Joel's make things right philosophy and rethink their position.

There are times they bring books to me I cannot wait to get out of my office, like the day when Bill O'Reily's book came in. I washed the desk after it was taken out of here.

I have to put together some kind of recruitment package today to attract actors to this project I'm working on here. No response so far, but I intend to make personal appearances this week. Maybe my magnetic demeanor will do the trick.

Ok I'll get a really appealing package together.

Love

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Bette Davis said it best

Gettin' old ain't for sissies.

I went to the Dr. yesterday. I should have just kept my damn mouth shut. Now it's stress tests and halter monitors and blood work and chest xrays and blah blah blah.

I'm fine Really!!! Of course I keep saying that and they pay me no mind. It's like I'm not there. I wish my mechanic worked on my car with as much fervor as these people are working me over.

Of course we had words yesterday. They said come and get this halter monitor put on this afternoon at 1:30. At 2:05 I asked what they'd do if I had arrived 40 minutes late for my appt. We rescheduled. So now I'll leave with the damn thing after my stress test on Thursday. And of course have to go back on Friday to have them take it off.

I just want to drink gin, smoke dope, and have sex with strangers. I know, I'm old fashioned.

What was I saying about my health last week? See! I should keep my big mouth shut.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanks

I find myself with a ton of time this holiday, which is not only remarkable, but incredibly invigorating. So I decided to make a list of thanks.

The things I truly have to be thankful for:

1.) My health. I'm pretty damn healthy at 50. I know that's not uncommon nowadays, but in my life I've known many people who had health issues visited upon them by this age that they either had to learn to live with the rest of their lives, or that ended their lives. So I am thankful I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

2.) My friends. I have a wealth of friends, and if they're not physically close they don't let too much time pass before they email, or call, and I love that I am important enough to them that I stay on their radar. They've been my rock this past year when things were as difficult as they've ever been in my life, I doubt I would have made it were it not for them. Truthfully, without them letting me know they were there for me, and letting me have the time I needed to figure all this mess out, and then picking up where we all left off when I decided to re-emerge into the world has meant more than they'll ever know. They're proof that the family you get isn't always the family you get. Thank You all.

3.)My Brother. I doubt that there is any possibility that had I been born into a family where I had an older brother that I would have been as fortunate as I am to have the one I got by default. There would be no familial ties for me at all if it weren't for him and my sister-in-law. His son stood guard over me in absentia for months and would do so again in a second. They truly understand the meaning of the words love and family. They walk the talk and I am eternally in their debt.

4.) My education. I took a year off from school...20 times. And waiting is the smartest thing I could have ever done. I was a far better student and far more interested in the subject I studied than I would have ever been had I stayed in school at 19. It has afforded and continues to afford me opportunities in life that I would never have known without it. In the next several decades of my life I hope to be smart enough to sieze as many of those opportunities as possible and to relish every moment.

5.) My current situation. There is nothing like the specter of persecution to remind you how precious freedom is. And it took that wake up call to let me know how fortunate I am to be a free man at this time, in this world. I thought i didn't take it for granted before, but I did. I never will again. I'm very happy in my current situation, I love my apt, my job, my peace and quiet, my ability to travel, and the love that I know.

I could ask for more, I could want for material things, professional acknowledgment,a grand romance, wealth, all the things that we're taught by Madison venue to want in this life. But the smart money is on me realizing that I am incredibly fortunate, that I have an embarrassment of riches in my simple life,that to celebrate what I have and my ability to enjoy it is the stuff that dreams are made of..

I thank you all, the world over, for visiting me here at A New Life. I hope to find the true purpose of this blog as it evolves and I hope you hang out to share that discovery with me.

I think it's time for a morning walk on the beach before breakfast.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Attack of the 50 ft. Nuptials

Apparently Brian Williams is telling America that marriage is under attack, and it's got a lot of people upset. I read it on Towleroad and followed the link to GoodAsYou, and then to Youtube. So it must be true. What I missed in all that link-following was a cogent editorial on the subject. Now where exactly was it that a gay person, because we all know what Williams meant, sat down and wrote about what it could mean for everyone who wants to get married to be able to do so.

What exactly would it threaten? Would it, in some way, change the fundamental (now there's a word) way in which our society works? Not that I can see. Would it alter daily life for Americans? Not likely, it wouldn't really affect their SUV's, their cell phones, and their DVD players, so their daily life should go on just fine thank you.

It's about fear. That's what George W. Bush & Co. has preyed upon for 8 years and how he's attained all of his goals. He's drummed in our heads to be afraid, to live in fear, to be convinced that any change to the status quo will spell our doom unless we fight to keep things exactly as they are. Preying upon people's fears is the easiest way to control them and it's worked for this guy.

They've controlled dissent by labeling those who have the temerity to oppose them, as unpatriotic, when in fact they're the most patriotic of all. They've controlled the debate over the war(s) by using the soldiers as bait to hold off their detractors. (if we express dissent, we hate soldiers, or we're trying to starve them etc.) They've controlled the press by labeling them as too liberal and in some misguided effort to demonstrate their willingness to tell both sides of the story they've pandered to the neo-con wishes and only told their side.

See! It works!

And the lemmings that populate our society, who do not understand that this country is founded on the idea that we must embrace a set of values that is, well, revolutionary, continue to misunderstand its most fundamental freedoms and are well on the way to losing it for us all.

Which, of course, brings me right back to railing at the state of education in this country in which we do not, apparently, insist that our students learn History.

The fight for equal rights in this country gives lie to it's very premise. "All men are created equal."

It does NOT say,"All White,Christian,Heterosexual,Males are created equal." Yet everyone who is not White,Male,Christian, and Heterosexual, has had to fight tooth and nail to get even a modicum of the freedoms this country is supposed to afford EVERYONE.

When we are all afforded the protections of the documents that were created to state this country's purpose and to serve as guidelines for future generations, then we all will have something to celebrate. Until we learn that our differences are what makes us unique, and important to history, we will continue to swirl in this maelstrom of bunk perpetuated by those who want to remain in power.

And until we find GLBT citizens willing to take that stand and write cogent editorial on the subject that will make people really consider what is going to be necessary to attain our goals and dreams as Americans, we won't make any progress at all.

Let's hope it doesn't take another revolution to get there.

**Brian Williams has responded to this issue, saying that he did not mean to imply that gay marriage was attacking the institution, but rather that the divorce rate was the problem he was referring to. I am glad he cleared that up. I was misinformed, sorry. The point of the post though, is still worth note I think.

Monday, November 19, 2007

huh?

This morning, instead of writing the "Diversity Statement" I'm suppose to turn in with my employment application to the college, which will take like 5 minutes, I looked at towleroad, one of my favorite blogs, and found some piece by a former, now out and proud,(yawn)baseball player, named Billy Bean. No idea who he was, never heard of him. So I went to Amazon to look for his book.

After poo-pooing Amazon's idea of getting technology out of our way so we can read, (have you SEEN Kindle?) and realizing that the latest $400 thing someone wants me to buy is yet another electronic device intended to clutter up my life with electronic crap, I moved on to Billy and his book.

Well, I don't think he's very interesting, and it seems others don't either. His book used is going for .98. but while I was scrolling down the list of related items I found a book called "Without Reservations" and clicked in to read the synopsis. I swear to you I did not make this up, someone else did.

"Sometimes love just catches you by the tail. Chayton Winston is a veterinarian. He is also a werewolf. Much to his Native American parent's chagrin, he has always dreamed of a fair-haired, Caucasian mate. However, he never imagined his mate would be male. As a heterosexual man, he's not quite sure what to do with a male mate, but more than willing to find out. Keaton Reynolds wakes up, in wolf form, and finds himself with a mate. He's instantly attracted, but not so thrilled to find out the man is straight. Having been in a relationship once before where his partner professed to be "Not gay" left a bad taste in his mouth. Keaton wants to make a break for it and pretend he never set eyes on Chay-but Chay is not ready to let him go. Together the two work to solidify their shaky relationship and battle the prejudices against homosexuals. Chay must deal with not only his mother's prejudices against gay men but also her hatred of white people. When a power struggle in Keaton's pack threatens Keaton's life, the two men learn to depend on one another and their relationship to get them through it. Warning, this title contains the following: explicit sex, graphic language, violence and hot man-love."

Are these "not gay" men battling prejudice against homosexual wolves? Or "not gay" homosexual veterinarians? Perhaps "not gay" homosexual, wolf, veterinarian,native Americans. I can't even read the synopsis, I can't imagine how bad the book is?
Well, the phrase "Hot man-love" should give me a real good idea how bad it as shouldn't it?

And here I am thinking I couldn't get published. Pshaw!

Still haven't gotten the Portugese translated, but I'm sure it was spam for a telephone company in Brazil.

Speaking of telephone companies, did I mention that I was finally able to squeeze my 75 bucks out of ma bell? It took some doing but they ponied up. And only after 6 weeks I felt it was a personal record.

I'm off to San Francisco Wednesday, so I doubt I'll post til I get back. I'm sure I'll have all kinds of ideas for posts while I am gone. Hope I remember them when I get back.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

international spamming

I think I just got spammed in Portugese. After I get it translated, I'll share. Too fun!

Love

Friday, November 16, 2007

the guessing game

well I assume that when the dean said "Welcome Aboard" she meant I'd been hired to teach.

It's still not real, but like most victories, it's just the beginning. So we'll see what there is in store for me there.

For my part I think I need to take the rest of the afternoon and celebrate my new part time job.

Gin at 3!

Have a good weekend.

Oh ! I almost forgot to post a lovely picture of a lovely man.

I said almost...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

the dropped shoe

Well, last week he said I had the opportunity to have this full scale showdown with the enemy within, and I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. And now this...


Rob Brezny's Freewill Astrology horososcope for Gemini this week.

"Reality is that which when you stop believing in it, it doesn't go away," wrote novelist Philip K. Dick. I urge you to apply that benchmark to your own experience in the coming week, Gemini. You can generate a lot of creative energy by figuring out what is objectively true about your circumstances and what is merely illusion that's propped up by misperceptions and misunderstandings. You've got tremendous power to strip away the fantasies, both positive and negative, that are preventing you from living with 100 percent of your intelligence in the real world."

Oh Shit.

So now I have to go out and do research on what's going on in my life and figure out what's what. Swell. Do you have any idea how much energy this takes? I'm 50, can't I just accept a reality that I like and let it go at that?

NO, of course not, I never have before, why should I think I'd change now suddenly.

Where's my Magnifying Glass and my Calabash?

I found money in my bank account this morning that wasn't mine! Does that qualify for a misperception or misunderstanding? Well, actually it IS mine, but I didn't think I owned it anymore. But I do. Am I saving it? Am I paying off a credit card with it? Am I being altruistic with it? Am I fulfilling a need with it?

Nah!

I'm buying art with it. I haven't bought a painting in about three years so I am way overdue. I found some on a website and I think I need one. Actually right now it's between a Frida Kahlo reproduction and an original from this young guy whose art I like.

Someone once said, I forget who, it was probably Confucius:

"If a man has two pennies, with one he should buy a loaf of bread to sustain his life, and with the other he should buy a rose to give him a reason for living."

I need a rose.

I've given up on this guy in Chicago. I am beginning to think I was wrong about him. I now think that not only does he not know the proper words to use in colloqiualisms, but he's functionally illiterate. Today he was discussing something his roommate did and said that for all intensive purposes she was done with her project.

IT'S INTENTS AND PURPOSES YOU MORON!!!

I just give up on this guy, he's hopeless.

As usual, I was supposed to hear from my dept head early this week so I can go talk to the Dean and sign my contract for next semester etc etc.

(crickets chirping)

Nothing. Not a word from this guy. Of course, now I'm paranoid that since I had to leave his show early this weekend because it was interminable and I was meeting people at 10:30, that he may have rethought the whole thing. I know, I know, paranoid...I know it...stop!

The only reason I think this is that the guy who was my LD on the show I directed last winter, who would love to see my vitals on a bed of lettuce, saw me sneaking out the side door. This guy would narc me out in a second.

He seems to think that since my LD (him) was unable to hang and focus lights for my show since he was scheduled to have knee surgery in two days and I was unhappy that I got an LD that wasn't able to actually DO THE JOB that I'm a grinch. I know, I'm unreasonable.

ok, I could go on and on, but I have stuff to do.

go on!

Git!

have a life of your own!

GO!

ok, I was done with you for the day, however, I have a question.


Do you suppose when parents name a child Demonica, that it occurs to them that...