i got an issue already

I do! I have an issue with this new guy and we hardly know each other.
The word flake comes to mind.

When one claims they want to have a relationship, this implies they'll make themselves available in some way to pursue said goal.

In fact should I be willing to make that claim I'd have to make some concessions regarding my full schedule. The difference is that I'd do it.

This guy keeps saying "oh we've got to get together, blah blah blah", never happens. Well, in all fairnes we've only tried twice, but still.

Today I emailed and said, "Here's when I'm available, you call me." Ball officially not in my court. He's on his own.

No fun this weekend anyway, I have to work the whole thing. Hate that. But I'm taking off monday. So things are looking up already.

Have a lovely weekend. I borrowed (read stole) this photo of some straight guy named Gabe from Queersighted.com. Hope they don't mind, but Gabe should be spread around. Way too much man to be hoarded by those New York types. Even though I love them.

Love

conundrums in the workplace

I work in a place where they treat me very well. I like it here and it's going to pain me to leave next spring, but it's time for me to move to the next phase of my life and being here isn't pert of that equation. That's part of the reason I'm concerned about starting up with a new man, but that's another post altogether. One which I'm not sure I'm going to do because what if the new man ever was to find out I blogged about him etc etc etc.

Anyway, in the grand tradition that there is always one person at work who decides they're going to pick on you, I have been selected. Ain't I lucky.

I send out this report that tells supervisor they have stuff to correct from the work their staff did the previous day. This is simply what my boss told me to do when I was hired and I do it daily. Unfortunately, one of said supervisors takes it personally. Therefore, whenever I send her any corrections she scours the report and then notifies my supervisor of any errors. Today it was formatting in a column. Mind you this column is a new field we added last Friday. I think you get the point.

So in an effort to disarm this Bully, I chose to include in today's report a little note of apology.

"My apologies for the formatting error in yesterdays report. As much as it pains me to admit it, I am human. Therefore, I suppose we should brace ourselves for the inevitability that I will make mistakes from time to time.

I have rectified that oversight on today's report, thanks for letting me know about it though."

That will either disarm this bitch, who will now lay off me since she's been made a fool in public, or cause her to order my immediate beheading. We shall see.

I realize it's a calculated move on my part fraught with risk, but something had to be done and my supervisor isn't getting the fact that I am being picked on and isn't telling this woman to lay off me like she should. My supervisor if you can't tell is not very effective. A nice person whom I like working for, but as a manager, not so much.

Well, enough of being paranoid about work foolishness.

My bike had to go the shop monday and I just got the call it's finally ready. I cannot wait to get it and ride the rest of the week. It's beautiful outside and I don't want to waste a minute.

OK, ok,I met a guy. He seems nice and we're going out to have dinner this Friday and we'll see where it goes, and yes I feel just like a certain someone in the Arizona desert who finds running into a good guy at the wrong time a condition of life, but one must take it where one can get it.

And I look at it as something that happens specifically because there is a time limit on it. Perhaps without that I wouldn't be willing to commit at all.

I hate knowing myself.

Love

a good time was had by all

Well, there was a wicked scene at Dillard's today. I had simply had it with my clothes. I've always had a certain sense of style and lately I've let it go. And that's not working for me at all.

So today after I rode like 25 miles, I grabbed the Dillard's card, took a deep breath and plunged into the men's department.

I now have an entirely new wardrobe for work and I'm oh so happy. If I get real brave next month I'll go for the casual stuff that needs replacing as well.

I'm just tired of this casual thing at work, it's boring, it's NOT professional, and mostly one never gets to show off that way.

Actually I was looking at something online yesterday about the 50 most stylist men of the last 50 years and remembered that I aspired to that once. Before I bought five pairs of black jeans and five shirts of the same cut and fabric but different colors and a pair of black rockports and made it my work uniform.

I DON'T WEAR A UNIFORM!

I have a professional job, and god knows I send the federal government enough money every month to prove I'm educated enough to have a professional job. So there.

Monday I'm off so I'm getting a haircut, and maybe a manicure, and then I'm going to work on Tuesday looking GOOD.

And the retail therapy didn't suck either.



Love

Because it's Saturday

and THIS is the only way to spend a Saturday night.

Enjoy.

Love

ok, ok, I give

I've decided I want to do this, so I'm going to make the supreme effort. I'm going to try to post every day.

Mind you I have a full time job, a part time job, I'm preparing for a pottery show in October, I'm directing a show in October, and doing some sort of riding thing in November with the American Royal (Horses). I'm also taking a class in November to get my ESL certificate, I'm taking a web design class this semester, I ride my bike 60 miles a week, down from last years 90 for obvious reasons, my friends insist I make time for them weekly, so there goes lunch on saturday and breakfast on sunday and often friday evenings as well, I'm taking a tai chi class, and horseback riding lessons. As you can see I have a few irons in the fire. So many posts may not be as long as today's will be. I'm sure you'll be thankful.

Though my on again off again relationship of over 30 years is off again, yawn, I still try to pretend I have some sort of intimate relationship in the world so time must be made for that as well.

My brother is spending a lot of time with me recently on saturdays in particular because our family finally came completely apart last fall and he wants to preserve our relationship since he apparently sees how crazy his sister is and that he won't be able to have much of one with her unless he's willing to get involved in all her imaginary problems. And of course our father is almost 84 and likely won't be with us that much longer so he graciously has chosen me as his family contact.

He's a pretty great brother at any rate so I'm not only lucky to have him I'm happy as well, and I spend the time gratefully and willingly. One of the biggest reasons I think he's doing it is that he knows I'm outta here at the first opportunity, which will likely be late spring of 2008, so he wants to be with me as much as he can before I go. It's very thoughtful and loving and I've always admired that about him. He's the best of us, I hope he's around a long time.

But I digress! I'm moving to Santa Fe. I've long wanted to return to New Mexico since the early '80's when I lived in Albuquerque and though I have friends in Las Cruces and I love them, I want to live in Santa Fe, and I intend to do that. It will be expensive I'm sure, and it may take a while to get my ducks in a row, but I'm going, and I'm going to stay.

It's my intention to find both a man and a teaching job and tell the decider at the teaching job and the man, that they may as well take me on because I'm not going away and I'm just going to hang around until one of us succumbs to the vagaries of time and up and dies. Hard to argue with the hardline ain't it? To borrow a line from a Liza Minelli song, "Maybe this time, I'll get lucky."

I guess I'll start with the list of what I want from this life. None of which is impossible I think.

1.) Theatre
2.) Teaching
3.) Horses
4.) Pottery
5.) Directing
6.) Travel
7.) Bicycles
8.) A Man

I want to be involved in some way in theatre, preferably as an employee of some kind.

I want to teach cause I think that not only do teachers have it good, I think it's incredible when you see the light come on in someone's eyes when they make a discovery and understand something for the first time.

I want to have horses in my life cause I think that connection with nature and other animals is oh so important to our understanding of life.

I want pottery cause its beauty and practicality all rolled into one and it's truly fun to do.

I want to direct theatre cause working with actors brings me joy.

I want to travel cause I think this world has an incredible wealth of stuff to show and teach all of us and that we don't take nearly the opportunity to learn about other people that we should.

I want to ride my bike daily because it gives me a perspective of my own life that I know I'd miss otherwise, and it's healthy, and I love the look of the world from a bike.

And perhaps most importantly I want a man in my life, cause I think that I could learn so much from just having another person in that close a proximity. Besides, I'd learn about love and compromise and sharing and what's more cool than living with someone who shares your dreams and believes in you and gets the same in return from you?

So that's where I am in life at the moment. I'll be back tomorrow, but today
I just got a buttload of work brought to me on top of the buttload I'm ignoring already. So have a wonderful day, and look for the best in people. They don't always want to show it to you, but it's there.

Love

update

I just wanted to mention that I'm stil trying to resolve my issues with Paypal. Man do they suck.

I'm still working on that post about having a true north, It's not that the piece is so complicated, but I'm busy. In fact i was so busy I didn't get to see an old friend before he went off to vacation in eastern europe last week. (no I've no idea why he went to eastern europe to vacate)

So, know that even though I don't get to post very much, in fact not nearly what I'd like to do, I'm still thinking about it all the time and I'll find my blogging true north one day and then things wll really take off.

And hope springs eternal.

Love

for whom the bell tolls

I have high hopes that death, when it comes will have waited many more years. I've also no idea why I am thinking about it today, but I am.

I used to think that I'd know it when it came, that I'd feel its approach. That I'd at least have a little time to adjust to the idea. I now know that probably won't be the case. I was injured this spring (a week before my 50th Birthday) in a horse riding accident. There wasn't much riding to it. I got on and then I came off. I was working for people who, though they own quite a few horses don't apparently know that much about them.

I'd rearranged my schedule so I could take a nice ride in the morning before I went to work and then another when I got home. Thereby fulfilling my obligation to ride out the horses they wanted to use for trail rides. This was to be my second morning engaging in this wonderful new schedule.

They gave me a horse I was unfamiliar with and told me she was fine. Willie, their man said, that the last time he'd rode her, I don't remember when, she'd been fine. "She rodeo'd on me a little when I first got on her but after that she was ok."

I now know this means "That horse ain't broke."

She was looking wild eyed at me the whole time I was saddling her. I thought, "Well, she doesn't know me and she'll be fine once I get on her back."

I've not been that wrong in a really long time.

As soon as I got on her she felt incredibly stiff, and she started dancing a little. I thought I'd better get that stopped quick before she got the wrong idea and so I tried to turn her to the right, there was no give to her at all and I knew I was in trouble. So I turned her to the left and she gave a little and as she turned her front feet came off the ground, but they went back down after I turned her a bit more.

That's the last thing I remember.

Apparently I gave her back her head after she turned and that was when she came up off her front feet to get rid of me. As most inexperienced bronc riders do, (mind you I'm no bronc rider, but that day all the rules applied to my situation) I tried to stay on her. I'm assuming I accomplished this by using the reins to keep my balance, and yes, all I really got done was to pull her over on top of me.

This is conjecture on my part cause the next recollection I have is standing in my living room some 100 yards from the last place I had been conscious, and touching the back of my head saying, "Why is my head bloody? And why am I in the house?"

No I never went to the dr. get off my back about it.

About that time Steve walked in my front door and said, "Sean come here." apparently I was wandering the house aimlessly.

He said, "Do you know what just happened?" I told him no, and he said, "Ok, you just had an accident with a horse, she rodeo'd on you and then came over on top of you. You hit your head and were knocked out for about a minute." He checked on me repeatedly throughout the morning and since I had started to make sense again by noon, he left me alone.

Shortly after that I was asked to leave the farm. I still wonder if it was because they feared me telling people about it, and running off customers, or if they were afraid of their own liability, or if they figured out I'm gay. It was one, or all three, I'll never know and don't really care. They demonstrated to me that they have no real knowledge of horses and all I was going to get was permanently injured there and I'm glad I left.

But that incident let me know that death, when it arrives doesn't always knock politely and ask if it can come in. It just shows up.

I have no real fear of it, I know in my heart that one day it'll happen and all this stuff I've wasted my time worrying about won't matter anymore, and that, as they say, will be that. So, though I'd rather not linger with some wasting disease waiting for it to happen, it'll show up in its own time, in its own guise, and I'll go when I have to.

But between now and then I'm going out there and I'm going to be the best Sean I can be. Cause in the end that's all that matters, that every day, succeed or fail, you woke up with that intention.

I guess I'm sounding a little grim today, sorry. Not my intention, just thinking out loud.