White Christmases

Have a good one all! I've decided to eschew the expensive watch and treat myself to some horseback riding in the mountains for Christmas instead.

Merry Christmas!

Warm Christmas Fuzziness (you were warned)

I had no intention this morning when I woke up of being all Bah Humbug on your asses, and I hope this is not how this post turns out, but I have made note of a disturbing trend.

What in the hell do you all go home for Christmas for? Seriously. I have read four blogs this morning and even the usually banal psychiatrist is a grouch. There appears to be tension barely contained just under the surface of almost every single holiday encounter I've read about. Thankfully, at no time am I regretful of my estrangement from my family, and a blog day like this solidifies my position.

Yesterday we had a minor snow event. It was blowy and we ended with just a few inches of snow, so I spent the day in.

Thinking, at one point, that I was feeling reflective over the last year and the solstice, I got out my calendar and looked at some of the things I'd done and seen this year.

Though the near miss with the law was resolved, and a horse nearly did me in, I feel incredibly lucky. In fact because those issues were resolved I feel incredibly lucky.

I became a better horseman this year than ever before, and though there is an unmeasurable distance to go before I would even think of calling myself a true horseman, I have learned a lot, and I have spent time developing my skills in that area of life. I have also begun, ever so slightly, to resume my relationship with animals. They're smarter than us you know. We make it all so difficult and they boil it down to the basics in seconds. They live simply too, which, in my book makes them WAY smarter than us. I am entertaining the notion of having a dog in my life again. I miss the company. My trepidation exists on only one level, I'm not home a lot. From Monday morning through Friday afternoon I am only home to sleep. This means a dog would be alone, cooped up in my apartment all the time without interaction of any kind, and that leads to all sorts of issues in my experience. It's also incredibly unfair to the dog. So I'm still thinking about that one.

I finally figured out who the crazy people in my adoptive family are. Unfortunately, it turned out to be my people. I had hoped against hope that this was not the case. But I've always contended that one simply becomes more of who one actually is as one ages. So since they've just gotten crazier and crazier, to the point that it's undeniable, I have to face the facts and move on. I don't miss the insanity and the turmoil that was my life with them in it. In fact things have settled down quite nicely.

I've spent my entire adult life with friendships that provide more than that family unit could ever dream of. As I've said before the family you get isn't always the family you get. So, Jim,Keith,Kenne,Cheryl,Kathy,Abby,Ani,Don,Linda,Chuck,Michele, CC,and Lisa-Lin,thank you for being my family. Just...well...Thank you.

I got that teaching job I have dreamed of for decades. I just have a few weeks to prepare, and then the challenges really begin. I'm sure I'll be a mess that first day and I'm sure I'll screw it up several times, but the process is for everyone to learn including me. So though I have fears, I'm going to bundle them up in my gut and go stand in front of that classroom and have that dream.

I traveled a bit and though there are new horizons in my sight I have things that must be attended to first. I went to Santa Fe, and San Francisco, and Chicago, and Las Cruces, and San Juan. I hope I get to see all the places I have in my mind over the years. I'm a little cautious about it since there is apparently some gay travel gene that I hope not to indulge. I don't want to do it so I can tell people I did it. I want to do it so I can see the world in a unique way.

I'm looking at horseback riding vacations in Peru, and walkabouts in Australia, and bicycle tours of Ireland. I want to see the life in these countries,not the tourism. I believe that people are just people and the only way to learn that for sure is to go talk to them. You can't do that from a tour bus. I'm trying to figure a way to spend a few months in Mexico doing an immersion school for Spanish. That,I think would be extremely cool.

I'll be moving sometime in 2008 to New Mexico,permanently. I'd love to live in Santa Fe, but that may not be feasible. It may have to be somewhere else so I can maintain my financial plans for at least a modicum of security. But I need that place. I need the things it has always offered me, and the way it makes me feel to be there. The reasons not to stay here become more and more clear as the days pass, and though I like my job(s) at least I now know what I want to look for in the future.

Personally, I've stayed away from relationships. My focus this year has had to be me and my life and my future. I wouldn't have been any use in a relationship with anyone in 2007, and I knew it. Perhaps I can turn my attention to such things before next solstice.

So after all that reflection I was hungry, and I made a big pot of steak soup. The rest of the evening I sat and watched it snow out my windows. Thankful that I want what I have.

Enjoy your time with your families. I hope it's not as stressful for you all as it sounds. And I hope you return home refreshed and ready for the New Year. Wow, I made it all the way through without Bah Humbug, cool.

freaky things

I could live without the cigarette, but Kyle is awfully cute. Happy Friday, and Merry Christmas.



Ok, I understand that you are probably not going to understand what I am talking about here. But I have to write this down, it was too weird, and too strange, and too scary not to talk about.

I'm sure you all know that everyone has crazy relatives in their family. In my case it's my adoptive family and though they're not from the south they should be, because the correct question wouldn't be, "Is there insanity in your family?" But "What side is it on." In their case, both. And the woman in question got a double dose.

As you may know from reading this blog, I am estranged from this adoptive family, precisely because of their insanity, and their desire, nay, need, to play redeemer/persecutor with the poor homosexual bastard they unwittingly brought into their midst some 50 years ago.(no I'm NOT over it thank you very much) They're nuts, they suffer from massive narcissistic personality disorder and I refuse to go near them again. But, as usual I digress.

You probably also have gleaned from my posts that I have a part time job in a grocery. I chose this particular grocer because it's obscure, it's pricey, and it's in a neighborhood the defectives wouldn't frequent. Minimizing my chances of being discovered. (STOP! You're getting there ahead of me)

Last night, as luck would have it, there was no till for me to open a drawer with, so I was asked to sack. I NEVER SACK! NEVER! It's not a snobbery thing, but all their cashiers are old ladies, and they are accordingly slow...I mean S-L-O-W. Therefore during the evening rush on days I work I wait on about three customers to their one. So I am chained to a register from the moment I get there. Not so last night, which was fortuitous. After about 20 minutes I looked up from sacking and noticed this singular apparition slinking down aisle 2.

Now there are people in everyone's life whose visage is unmistakable and she is mine. Hugely ratted black wig. (this facilitates her delusion that she looks like Elizabeth Taylor. Especially when she puts in her violet contacts. No I am not kidding.)Anyway said apparition was walking into aisle 2. IN MY STORE! One of my managers was about to give me a till so I could open a register and I waved her off saying I had to excuse myself and went to the back.

I proceeded not only to go to the back room, I went to the basement, this is how much I did not want to see this woman. Feeling like a freak I called my manager and explained to her that I would be staying in the back for a while and though I could hear in her voice that she did not understand what was up, she wasn't going to question me. I immediately called my brother.

"You will not believe who is in this store!" I said. "D" he said. "Worse." after the briefest of pauses he said,"LIZ!" he went there immediately...see what a scourge she is? We spent the next few minutes discussing what the hell she could possibly be doing there and how she could have found out I worked there. Yes, the paranoia muscles were in full adrenaline overdrive. Primarily because I live in fear of a public confrontation with this nutcase, and I couldn't think of another reason she would be there.

My managers reported to me later that she came to the customer service desk to buy her juice with her food stamp card, confirming that it was her as far as I was concerned. Only she would go to such lengths to hone her skills as a professional victim.

Alas, the Gods were thankfully with me. I called the desk and explained to my manager what was going on and she offered to walk the store and see if she had left. The report a few minutes later was favorable. So I gave it another five and then went back to work. I thought if I made it another hour I'd be safe. I did, there was no further haunting to report.

AND, I figured out that "D" was probably taking her to the restaurant around the corner for Christmas. So her appearance was likely an accident. I'm reasonably certain of this. Because if she had seen me, she would not have been able to pass up the chance to make eye contact and she would then have made sure that "D" had seen me as well. There would have been a scene, and she would have made sure of it.

So though I am better now, I had to record the occurrence. It was so strange. I consider the near miss my Christmas present from the Gods. Let's pray that I am right, and there won't be any stalking. The chances are further minimized by the news that I did indeed get the job teaching at the college and though I may keep the grocery job for one evening a week I won't be there on a regular basis and she won't be able to find me easily. Phew!

I'll try to blog over the holidays. I'm doing a lot of roaming though so it'll be spotty.

Love

I'm on someones blogroll

Woohoo! I found my blog on someone's blogroll for the first time! And I'm on there with the likes of Richard Rothstein, no less. THAT'S A BIG FUCKING DEAL TO ME!! Of course, I'm also on there with a blog called "Zac Efron please stop tanning" so there are mitigating factors.

I think I know who Zac Efron is. I think he's the Bobby Sherman of 2007. If that's who you are Zac I have a piece of advice. Save, Save, Save.

I can't write anymore I have to go follow the link from that blogroll to here over and over and over..... hee hee!

Man I need a vacation.

is it possible?

Could there be a gay news magazine that interviews people and doesn't ask them prurient questions?

I just read an Advocate interview with Kyle Chandler, and there just had to be questions about towel snapping in the locker room scenes on Friday Night Lights. I was embarrassed for Brandon Voss. I mean seriously, can't you just ask the guy about the show, and his role, and his body of work, and maybe his future career plans and possibly his family without asking about hot young actor football players? How embarrassing.

What would happen if there was a gay magazine that did just that? Would we then start to see a more thinking gay men and women model come to the fore? Would we be thought snobs? We'd probably be thought log cabin-ers. Sad but true. Not to say that only log cabin members are thinking men and women, because I hope that I am a thinking person and GOD knows I'd never be a log cabin republican. But I fear that could be our label.

We'd be ridiculed for creating a gay magazine that didn't ask about young humpy guys while interviewing the old straight guy in the cast. There would be little doubt that we'd gone off our "purty little heads" if we tried to be serious about issues and events, unless someone had tried to break up the pride parade. Then we can go off-fer sher.

But what if we expected to be taken seriously? What if we just put it out there that there was a gay magazine that did interviews that weren't about sex? Whose stories didn't ultimately wind up somewhere between the navel and the knees, and only aimed for the brain? Would that be risky?

Possibly. But it'd sure be cool wouldn't it?

too much time on my hands

the misconceptions of gifting

How did we come to the conclusion that all gifts at this time of year have to be just spectacular? Which is to say expensive. I've been reading all over the internet this morning about people who are having crises over gifts they're giving.

Some are to friends, some to family, some to significant others, but all the posts I've seen are these angst-ridden diatribes from people thinking they can't afford to buy someone an appropriate gift. Now that could make me sad...IF IT WASN'T SO STUPID!

Do I somehow owe someone a gift? Is there some sort of obligation implicit in the receipt of a gift or a favor? If so I missed that part.

If I choose to give you a gift, that means that you mean enough for me to spend the time and thought necessary to find a gift that makes me think of you when I look at it, will make you think of me when you do the same, and that I can afford to give you.

I have two friends of over 30 years and we are in no danger of ever ending our friendships. It's just not going to happen. I can't stay away from them, nor they me. The bond is there,(believe me we've been through it and back)and though I could examine it to death I could never explain it and I won't try here. But we have never exchanged gifts at Christmas. Birthdays sometimes, but not usually. Christmas never. It was an agreement I asked for many years ago when I had a family that numbered upwards of 20 and I was a struggling actor. They both immediately said, it was fine and we've stuck to it ever since. I once bought gifts for K and his partner because I was in grad school and they'd graciously allowed me to stay in their house for three weeks during Christmas break while I was in town. K sheepishly told me on Christmas morning that he had no gift for me, and I had to explain to him that I considered the extended stay my gift in the first place. I mean three weeks, really. In my house I'd be hard pressed to let someone stay that long. They never batted an eyelash. Well, said partner did tell me to stop leaving my coffee cups all over the house at one point, but since I was doing that and it was extremely inconsiderate I can't really say he didn't have a point. But I digress.

The point is this. If you want someone to have something, go shopping. Find something that makes you think of them that is within your budget and buy it for them. I think you might find that the time spent considering the important people n your life will bring (that personally dreaded) warm Christmas fuzziness to you in a way you didn't expect. I mean that's really what we're supposed to be after here, isn't it? Taking stock of how important people are in our lives and letting them know how much they mean to us.

It is not about how impressive the gift is, nor how much it cost, nor where it came from. It's about the very notion that someone cares enough about you to go out and spend part of a day looking for something that, when you look at it, will warm your heart at the thought that went into its selection. A gift should say "You mean something to me." Not, "You're worth THIS much to me."

Shopping with this mindset is the only way I can do the Christmas thing. Otherwise it's just a chore that I loathe, and Bah Humbug is no way to spend the next week.

good intentions

I truly intended to do a very thoughtful and reminiscent post on Friday. But I had to WORK!!! (the nerve of those people.) And boy did I have to work. There was a ton to get done before The end of the week. Also I have to get ahead a little since I'll be gone from the 21st through the 2nd. Blogging will certainly suffer the first month of the new year I can tell you that right now. Back to work will entail catching up on three weeks of stuff that will have stacked up, and if I really am teaching I'll have a few things to prepare before classes start the middle of the month. Yikes, what have I gotten myself into?

But Friday I intended to talk about Antonio Carlos Jobim. I checked out a cd from work that I hadn't heard before and it was unexpectedly filled with memories.

When I was a child, my parents used to have two or three cocktail parties a year. Remember this was the early 60's and those things were popular. So was the Bossa Nova, and invariably they would hire this trio to play for the two or three hours of the party before everyone settled down to tables for an evening of bridge. I'm sure all these guys knew was Jobim and they played it with gusto, I didn't know the difference I was like 6. Some of the adults would dance, most would at least be shimmying about at a song or two. Being the child in the house I remember watching them from the stairs and thinking how much I couldn't wait to be a grownup and attend these functions. They all looked like they were having such fun.

But this cd induced me to think of those times. I'd bet there weren't more than 6 or 7 of them in my whole childhood, but they made an impression I guess I'll always carry with me. Uh-oh could this mean warm Christmas fuzziness is in my near future? Gods forbid!

I had Christmas with my brother's family yesterday since I'll be out of town starting next Saturday. I made out like a bandit. They did pretty good too, so it all worked out. But I was happy to see them and best of all it snowed actively all through my family Christmas. I went immediately to the western store and bought myself a straw hat,spurs, and a wallet for next summer with my gift certificate and then went home and had a gin and tonic in my new cocktail glasses. Then I went to dinner with friends. When I got home I put on my new slippers and jammies and watched reruns of entourage on HBO. God I love peaceful evenings. I went to bed and worked on a little of a John Grisham I'm reading. Slept way too long, but I feel good today. This afternoon I'll put away the rest of the gifts and send thank you's. Is this what Christmas is supposed to be like? Stress-free and filled with enjoyable moments? Who knew? I've been living "The Lion in Winter" so long I had no idea.

I'd love to go out and make some pots but it's 17 degrees and the only way into the studio is to open the garage door. This means that little heater has to start all over when the door closes. Maybe I'll wait till later in the week when it's warm.

The car has to have some warranty work this week and I'm starting to think I may have actually found a dealer that isn't genetic slime like the current one. When I said I'd just stay with the car they told me they'd take me to work, and that it wasn't too far away. The other dealer is exactly 49 blocks due west of my office and they wouldn't take me to work. This one is over 15 miles away and they're telling me I'm crazy to sit there all day. I may have fallen in love.

Speaking of which, well not love,perhaps infatuation, (or is that just lust?) but one of the things I meant to mention was a shocking moment at the grocery the other day. This guy came up to me and asked if I could help him find something, and oh my was he cute. I took him to the taco shells and then the tortillas and when he was done he came to me to pay for his groceries. I was so shocked that I could not take my eyes off that mop of silvery hair. Lord what has happened to me? Am I really 50? I do hope he becomes a regular customer. Only on Sunday's of course, since that's the only time I'll have to work after the new year. Maybe I should be sure he knows that. Listen to me, shameless. But then again if I don't blow my own horn I can't expect him to have the opportunity, now can I.

I'm making a blog on which to display and possibly sell some of my pots. it's roampottery.blogspot.com
I'll put a button on the sidebar of this blog and vice versa when I have time to figure all that out. So far I've gotten a few pictures posted and the basics setup.
At the least it may put me in touch with some other potters and maybe I can expand my network in that regard. That would be nice. I like the solitude of ceramics, but once in a while I need to see other people doing it, and maybe talk about it. I tried the local clay guild but I didn't feel very welcomed. So hopefully this blog will help my cause in that regard.

As a last note today's handsome guy pic is Mitch Longley, currently of the series Las Vegas. In finding this picture I discovered he had also been on a couple of soaps and I do remember him in Judging Amy reruns when I was in grad school. (anything to avoid studying during the midday hours)the point of this exercise is that he is a dead ringer for the guy in the grocery the other day. Fun huh?

Have a good Sunday.

Love

what's that big yellow thing in the sky?

It appears the sun is shining for he first time in over a week. at least for the day. Tomorrow clouds again and then prognostications of some snow tomorrow night. I don't believe that either. One forecaster said it'll be a non-event. the other says it'll be a shovelable event. I don't shovel anymore so I could care less about that part, but some nice peaceful pretty snowfall couldn't hurt.

I was just accosted by the supply Nazi at work. Went for a pen out of the cabinet and he appeared behind me demanding to know what I was doing. I guess, since I look for his days off and then raid the damn thing to avoid exactly this kind of treachery, that he thinks when he's not looking he loses his shirt and needs to be vigilant is a strategy that's backfiring on me. Of course, he's a little crazy too so that doesn't help his cause. Everyone needs to own something I guess.

I must be about to go back into higher education again. I just went to the college website to check my own schedule as a student and thought I'd look to see if the classes I had interviewed for had made. I am listed as faculty and I have students. No one however, has ever notified me that I have the job, nor given me my email address nor passwords to access the faculty pages, or anything else one might expect of a new job. Yup, back in higher ed. alright. The faculty is kept more in the dark than the students.

I know that I should have watched the Republican debates last night just to see what they're saying, but I just couldn't do it. I really tried. I sat there with that remote in my hands and thought, "you've got to do this, it's your civic duty." Didn't work. I just can't look at the field of candidates they have this time. I just can't even look at them! How can I make an informed decision in November when I haven't listened to everyone. OK, yes, it's true that I'd never vote republican anyway, but it still seems unfair that I'm voting without knowing everything I can. It won't stop me, but I'll feel appropriately guilty.

I took lunch to the women who staff the office at my apartment complex today as a christmas present. I've never lived someplace where they're so service oriented and I think that's the least I can do to say thanks. They seemed a little uncomfortable with it, but too bad. Eat!

Tomorrow I'm having dinner with my old friend J. Haven't seen him in months. It's silly because we live about 3 miles apart, but I tend to keep my schedule full and he's a bit of a butterfly when the holidays come around. So it'll be nice to catch up after several months.

It's Texas and New Mexico still running neck and neck for the holiday trip. I just can't decide, but the availability of horses may be the deciding factor. There aren't many left in Dallas proper. Selfish I know, I should go see LLMB, but it IS my holiday after all. And I'm all about doing exactly what you want on the holidays. Like I said, the jury is still out.

Phew! I'm scattered. Back to work, maybe that'll focus me. I promised I'd brilliant today. That'll teach me.

gray-ness

Man I sure hope this is a mug shot.

I’m lethargic. I suppose it’s because we’ve had gray skies for over a week. But I also suppose it could be because I have young neighbors who live their lives between 11pm and 7am. Not conducive to living in an apartment. I could go on about it. But it’s all just silly stuff with kids in an apartment. It’ll either go away or they will.

I am ready for some sunshine though. They’re now saying that will happen tomorrow. Of course it’ll be 25 degrees for the high, so I can look at the sunshine from my office, but going out in it is not likely.

I just ran across an article about some child star, (not really a child but he’s ridiculously young) Shia something-or-other, and apparently he was arrested in Chicago for refusing to leave a Walgreen’s, (whatever) but in the melee of his arrest there were pictures taken. One of the people whose blogs I read with regularity is apparently enamored of this kid. Because he posted a picture of the arrest with the caption “Shia, stop being all hot and shit, yo!”

This kid is hot? He looks like a cartoon character to me! Am I THAT old?

Shit...yo.

Still can’t decide what to do about travel over the holidays. I feel like I have to go somewhere, and I do have a friend in Dallas I haven’t seen in years, so I could do that. I was looking at lastminute.com to see what kind of deal I could find and they’re not bad. Of course who the hell actually wants to go to Dallas in the middle of the winter, so there should be good fares. No horses if I go there, but I will be able to catch up with an old friend and that would be fun. Of course we’d have to do it before 9pm when we both have to go to bed. Again, too many choices.

We did not have that ice storm they touted on the news for four days. It rained. The storm went north of us, thankfully, and it seems they got clobbered. But it missed us. Told Ya!

Tomorrow I'll be brilliant. I promise.

Your results:
You are Spider-Man
Spider-Man

---

100%
Iron Man

---

90%
Batman

---

80%
Superman

---

80%
Green Lantern

---

65%
Catwoman

---

60%
Hulk

---

60%
Robin

---

50%
Supergirl

---

50%
The Flash

---

40%
Wonder Woman

---

30%

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.



Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz


This is still not the way it appears everywhere else, but it'll have to do, I really do have work to do. Though I'd love to spend the day and night on this I simply can't. I do love the part about my being geeky though. I hate when these quiz things are spot on. I suppose that's why I've always fallen in love with every nerd I've ever met. Put me in a football stadium full of hot gay men and one nerd and I'll find him. My gaydar is bad, but my nerdar is perfectly tuned, and if that nerd is gay, well that's Kismet.

BTW

I have been cleared by the medical establishment to return to my ways of drinking gin, smoking dope, and having sex with strangers. Or whatever configuration it is you youngsters do nowadays. Whatever it is I'm not going to keel over from it apparently.

Too bad too, keeling over was part of the fun.

Now I just have that pesky colonsocopy to look forward to, but...well you've all gotten there way ahead of me so I'll just go on with my Saturday.

Love

sad/angry**angry/sad

I wasn't going to post anymore today,I've just been a head case all day, I even forgot my briefcase this morning. But I just stumbled across this blog while I was waiting for report to finish and though the beginning, in which our hero is telling us a story about his frustration over something that happened to him and subsequently the revelation from his most recent crush that the interest was mutual and that now they've been together ten years, and then this...

“...The look on my face was something far beyond astonishment. I was speechless for perhaps the first, and last, time in my life. I have no recollection of what words I used to respond that the feelings were mutual. What I do remember is sliding out from the booth together and entering into the cold dark night, warmed by the recent revelation and so befuddled with emotion and surprise that neither of us knew what to say or do next. As the night was late, I had to work early the next morning and we were both exhausted and still dazed with the revelation, we mutually agreed to pursue this further the next day after work and began to head to our separate cars. At that time, we were both far more concerned about our visibility and the potential danger of open affection in a public place, so despite our clear desire to share that first, magical kiss, we hesitated, an unspoken understanding passing between the two of us that we understood each others hesitation. Before I could turn to go, my new requited crush slid his foot across the pavement to touch mine and whispered "I'm kissing you now."

He touched his foot to mimic a kiss???? Do I really live in that world where two people are actually afraid to kiss each other?!?!

Shit I need come gin.

and some Josh.

ok ther's no josh in our a/v section so I'm watching shattered glass at Prince's recommendation.

Drinking gin too.

i really do have my homework

I've got a post, it just isn't working. I can't seem to say what I want to say today.

Sunday I spent a buttload of money on christmas presents. Monday morning the coffee maker bit the dust, the computer wouldn't buffer music, and I had to go pitch my project to the acting classes at the college, which presentation met with utter silence. I bought the cheapest coffee maker on the planet on my way home. It makes the worst coffee I've ever tasted.

Tuesday, I blew up all the treadmills at the gym first thing in the morning. NO idea what happened all the power just went out and wouldn't come back on. Then I went to three stores to get this coffee maker I'd seen online and when I got to the third store I found out the damn thing was only offered online so I had to go back home and buy it.

This morning my hat blew off in the parking lot at work and I chased it half a block. Then I tried to write in plain english, a post about civil liberties and free speech and it seems I can't be coherent.

I'm starting to see a pattern to my week.

Rob Brezny at Freewill Astrology says I'll have fun this week. I guess that means I have to laugh at all this shit.

Well the check I just got from the city to replace my windshield that was broken by falling debris from their tragically neglected parking structure should help.

I'll try it again tomorrow kids. I think this is one of those days best canceled.

Dorothy Puhr

She was probably the best of them. She certainly knew the key was to enjoy life. She was the black sheep, and I loved her best. She was my aunt and I lost her Sunday.

In my early years I was exposed to only the maternal side of my family. My Father's family was in California and though we visited annually, it was only two weeks and that doesn't much impress a 5 year old.

But Dorothy always took an interest. She always listened, and she always welcomed me into her home and her life graciously. There was no pity because I was that little bastard that my parents had adopted. No consideration of the dirty little family secret that was me, and no judgement on who I ultimately was as an adult. It was just, Oh! Hi! Come on IN! Would you like something to eat? How about a drink, I could use a drink,how bout you. Just a little one.

Her fried chicken was legendary. Even if she was here I couldn't eat it anymore, way bad for one's heart health, but ooh it was good.

On holidays the entire family would gather at a local park and spend the day. 4th of July, Labor day, we missed nary a one, and you could find her standing in front of the stove first thing in the morning cooking her chicken and packing for the day at the park. The other sisters also brought stuff, but I couldn't tell you what it was, all I wanted was Dorothy's fried chicken and Faye's depression cake. The rest was just filler.

In my childhood she was married to Howard. He died when I was 5, and it's interesting that I remember him as well as I do. He had curly hair like me, drank Falstaff beer, smoked Kools, and always carried a church key in his pocket to open a beer can. He called me Frisbee. They treated me as though I was a kid, nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary, just a kid. It was the best.

Her true love hadn't been able to marry her. He was Catholic and she was not. She found Howard and was happy. After losing him though her luck really shined. She found her true love and he was free. They spent the rest of his life together. I don't recall ever seeing one without the other in over 40 years. They were truly best friends, and they had great stories.

I love you Dorothy. You were tremendous.

Now let's have a drink.

Friday and completely lazy

I wanted to talk about all kinds of things today. I had plans to discuss my new job (which is still not finalized) and talk about politics, which needs discussing, and the weekend, which I oh so looking forward to, and art and my friend Keith whom I haven't seen in weeks.

Alas, I am just so lazy today I can't seem to get motivated to discuss anything. All I want to do is laze the day away. And since the power will be going out at my office within the hour, and without a computer I am redundant, I guess I'll be going home to do just that.

Well enjoy the fair-haired Texan in the picture. He's a little young, but aren't they all nowadays. Happy Friday and have a good weekend.

denials

I've been denied the first choice of my name change. So I now have to choose from the original list I submitted. I've made the choice, and also moved the blog to an address that reflects that choice. You should be redirected automatically.

I thought I'd mention this since I know some of you just can't live without your daily fix from this blog.

It's now wileykyote.com like wile e coyote(the cartoon character who never spoke. Now there's a dichotomy for you, since I never seem to shut up), but it's in the available domain name version.

I'd attach the Warner Bros. cartoon theme song, but I find it so annoying when I'm trying to read blogs at 5am and out of the speakers comes blaring some song the blogger just knows I can't live without hearing. So I'll spare you that on this page.

the problem is the point

Ok, before I talk about me, since that's all I seem to be able to talk about lately, I have to relate a great story I just heard.

Apparently a patron here at the library checked out a few of the Russ Meyer movies we have in our a/v department and upon returning them remarked to the person at the desk that Russ Meyer "had a real problem"

How do you explain that Russ Meyer's problem WAS the point?

I've noticed that bloggers everywhere abandoned their posts and went off to celebrate the holiday. They're returning slowly but surely and updating us on their exploits. It's nice to see them return.

Myself, I am holding at bay any thoughts of holidays, and christmas memories, and warm fuzziness, for the moment. It'll overtake me at some point and there'll be some saccharin post for which I'll be totally regretful but I'll leave it up because that kind of being human is good for me. Not really my thing, but good.

Rob Brezny, my guru, advises me this week to read Relationships for Dummies.

Oh my.

I knew it never went well, but I wasn't aware it needed that kind of help. Just before the holiday I was invited by a man on this "social networking" site I was talking about a few weeks ago, to meet for coffee. We tried to get it together before Thanksgiving, but everyone was leaving town, I have three jobs, the only time I had was not possible for him, etc.etc.

So ultimately I recommended we table the meeting until after the holiday. It seemed the smart thing to do. We all put so much pressure on ourselves at this time of year anyway, it seemed silly to get all worked up about meting a stranger for coffee and doing it in a rush. My feeling was, and still is, "Let's meet when we can sit and talk for an hour or two and really find out if there is any interest."

Apparently I missed my window. I've heard nothing since I made the suggestion. Ah well.

They just brought some new books to my office. One of them is "Become a Better You" by Joel Osteen. Read, "Become a better you, just don't be gay" This is the guy I was railing about a while back who was teaching people to expect that God owed us soemthing, that we should expect that our God is just waiting to make all wrongs in our life right and that all we have to do is let God know we expect that and it'll happen. Seems a trifle selfish, but that's just me.

I believe it was his brother-in-law who recently renegged on the offer to allow a funeral to take place for a guy in Texas, Dallas I think, because though they offered it to his sister who apparently was involved with the church somehow, they subsequently found out this guy was gay and called the whole thing off. Good Christians they. They might want to take heed of Joel's make things right philosophy and rethink their position.

There are times they bring books to me I cannot wait to get out of my office, like the day when Bill O'Reily's book came in. I washed the desk after it was taken out of here.

I have to put together some kind of recruitment package today to attract actors to this project I'm working on here. No response so far, but I intend to make personal appearances this week. Maybe my magnetic demeanor will do the trick.

Ok I'll get a really appealing package together.

Love

Bette Davis said it best

Gettin' old ain't for sissies.

I went to the Dr. yesterday. I should have just kept my damn mouth shut. Now it's stress tests and halter monitors and blood work and chest xrays and blah blah blah.

I'm fine Really!!! Of course I keep saying that and they pay me no mind. It's like I'm not there. I wish my mechanic worked on my car with as much fervor as these people are working me over.

Of course we had words yesterday. They said come and get this halter monitor put on this afternoon at 1:30. At 2:05 I asked what they'd do if I had arrived 40 minutes late for my appt. We rescheduled. So now I'll leave with the damn thing after my stress test on Thursday. And of course have to go back on Friday to have them take it off.

I just want to drink gin, smoke dope, and have sex with strangers. I know, I'm old fashioned.

What was I saying about my health last week? See! I should keep my big mouth shut.

Thanks

I find myself with a ton of time this holiday, which is not only remarkable, but incredibly invigorating. So I decided to make a list of thanks.

The things I truly have to be thankful for:

1.) My health. I'm pretty damn healthy at 50. I know that's not uncommon nowadays, but in my life I've known many people who had health issues visited upon them by this age that they either had to learn to live with the rest of their lives, or that ended their lives. So I am thankful I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

2.) My friends. I have a wealth of friends, and if they're not physically close they don't let too much time pass before they email, or call, and I love that I am important enough to them that I stay on their radar. They've been my rock this past year when things were as difficult as they've ever been in my life, I doubt I would have made it were it not for them. Truthfully, without them letting me know they were there for me, and letting me have the time I needed to figure all this mess out, and then picking up where we all left off when I decided to re-emerge into the world has meant more than they'll ever know. They're proof that the family you get isn't always the family you get. Thank You all.

3.)My Brother. I doubt that there is any possibility that had I been born into a family where I had an older brother that I would have been as fortunate as I am to have the one I got by default. There would be no familial ties for me at all if it weren't for him and my sister-in-law. His son stood guard over me in absentia for months and would do so again in a second. They truly understand the meaning of the words love and family. They walk the talk and I am eternally in their debt.

4.) My education. I took a year off from school...20 times. And waiting is the smartest thing I could have ever done. I was a far better student and far more interested in the subject I studied than I would have ever been had I stayed in school at 19. It has afforded and continues to afford me opportunities in life that I would never have known without it. In the next several decades of my life I hope to be smart enough to sieze as many of those opportunities as possible and to relish every moment.

5.) My current situation. There is nothing like the specter of persecution to remind you how precious freedom is. And it took that wake up call to let me know how fortunate I am to be a free man at this time, in this world. I thought i didn't take it for granted before, but I did. I never will again. I'm very happy in my current situation, I love my apt, my job, my peace and quiet, my ability to travel, and the love that I know.

I could ask for more, I could want for material things, professional acknowledgment,a grand romance, wealth, all the things that we're taught by Madison venue to want in this life. But the smart money is on me realizing that I am incredibly fortunate, that I have an embarrassment of riches in my simple life,that to celebrate what I have and my ability to enjoy it is the stuff that dreams are made of..

I thank you all, the world over, for visiting me here at A New Life. I hope to find the true purpose of this blog as it evolves and I hope you hang out to share that discovery with me.

I think it's time for a morning walk on the beach before breakfast.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Attack of the 50 ft. Nuptials

Apparently Brian Williams is telling America that marriage is under attack, and it's got a lot of people upset. I read it on Towleroad and followed the link to GoodAsYou, and then to Youtube. So it must be true. What I missed in all that link-following was a cogent editorial on the subject. Now where exactly was it that a gay person, because we all know what Williams meant, sat down and wrote about what it could mean for everyone who wants to get married to be able to do so.

What exactly would it threaten? Would it, in some way, change the fundamental (now there's a word) way in which our society works? Not that I can see. Would it alter daily life for Americans? Not likely, it wouldn't really affect their SUV's, their cell phones, and their DVD players, so their daily life should go on just fine thank you.

It's about fear. That's what George W. Bush & Co. has preyed upon for 8 years and how he's attained all of his goals. He's drummed in our heads to be afraid, to live in fear, to be convinced that any change to the status quo will spell our doom unless we fight to keep things exactly as they are. Preying upon people's fears is the easiest way to control them and it's worked for this guy.

They've controlled dissent by labeling those who have the temerity to oppose them, as unpatriotic, when in fact they're the most patriotic of all. They've controlled the debate over the war(s) by using the soldiers as bait to hold off their detractors. (if we express dissent, we hate soldiers, or we're trying to starve them etc.) They've controlled the press by labeling them as too liberal and in some misguided effort to demonstrate their willingness to tell both sides of the story they've pandered to the neo-con wishes and only told their side.

See! It works!

And the lemmings that populate our society, who do not understand that this country is founded on the idea that we must embrace a set of values that is, well, revolutionary, continue to misunderstand its most fundamental freedoms and are well on the way to losing it for us all.

Which, of course, brings me right back to railing at the state of education in this country in which we do not, apparently, insist that our students learn History.

The fight for equal rights in this country gives lie to it's very premise. "All men are created equal."

It does NOT say,"All White,Christian,Heterosexual,Males are created equal." Yet everyone who is not White,Male,Christian, and Heterosexual, has had to fight tooth and nail to get even a modicum of the freedoms this country is supposed to afford EVERYONE.

When we are all afforded the protections of the documents that were created to state this country's purpose and to serve as guidelines for future generations, then we all will have something to celebrate. Until we learn that our differences are what makes us unique, and important to history, we will continue to swirl in this maelstrom of bunk perpetuated by those who want to remain in power.

And until we find GLBT citizens willing to take that stand and write cogent editorial on the subject that will make people really consider what is going to be necessary to attain our goals and dreams as Americans, we won't make any progress at all.

Let's hope it doesn't take another revolution to get there.

**Brian Williams has responded to this issue, saying that he did not mean to imply that gay marriage was attacking the institution, but rather that the divorce rate was the problem he was referring to. I am glad he cleared that up. I was misinformed, sorry. The point of the post though, is still worth note I think.

huh?

This morning, instead of writing the "Diversity Statement" I'm suppose to turn in with my employment application to the college, which will take like 5 minutes, I looked at towleroad, one of my favorite blogs, and found some piece by a former, now out and proud,(yawn)baseball player, named Billy Bean. No idea who he was, never heard of him. So I went to Amazon to look for his book.

After poo-pooing Amazon's idea of getting technology out of our way so we can read, (have you SEEN Kindle?) and realizing that the latest $400 thing someone wants me to buy is yet another electronic device intended to clutter up my life with electronic crap, I moved on to Billy and his book.

Well, I don't think he's very interesting, and it seems others don't either. His book used is going for .98. but while I was scrolling down the list of related items I found a book called "Without Reservations" and clicked in to read the synopsis. I swear to you I did not make this up, someone else did.

"Sometimes love just catches you by the tail. Chayton Winston is a veterinarian. He is also a werewolf. Much to his Native American parent's chagrin, he has always dreamed of a fair-haired, Caucasian mate. However, he never imagined his mate would be male. As a heterosexual man, he's not quite sure what to do with a male mate, but more than willing to find out. Keaton Reynolds wakes up, in wolf form, and finds himself with a mate. He's instantly attracted, but not so thrilled to find out the man is straight. Having been in a relationship once before where his partner professed to be "Not gay" left a bad taste in his mouth. Keaton wants to make a break for it and pretend he never set eyes on Chay-but Chay is not ready to let him go. Together the two work to solidify their shaky relationship and battle the prejudices against homosexuals. Chay must deal with not only his mother's prejudices against gay men but also her hatred of white people. When a power struggle in Keaton's pack threatens Keaton's life, the two men learn to depend on one another and their relationship to get them through it. Warning, this title contains the following: explicit sex, graphic language, violence and hot man-love."

Are these "not gay" men battling prejudice against homosexual wolves? Or "not gay" homosexual veterinarians? Perhaps "not gay" homosexual, wolf, veterinarian,native Americans. I can't even read the synopsis, I can't imagine how bad the book is?
Well, the phrase "Hot man-love" should give me a real good idea how bad it as shouldn't it?

And here I am thinking I couldn't get published. Pshaw!

Still haven't gotten the Portugese translated, but I'm sure it was spam for a telephone company in Brazil.

Speaking of telephone companies, did I mention that I was finally able to squeeze my 75 bucks out of ma bell? It took some doing but they ponied up. And only after 6 weeks I felt it was a personal record.

I'm off to San Francisco Wednesday, so I doubt I'll post til I get back. I'm sure I'll have all kinds of ideas for posts while I am gone. Hope I remember them when I get back.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

international spamming

I think I just got spammed in Portugese. After I get it translated, I'll share. Too fun!

Love

the guessing game

well I assume that when the dean said "Welcome Aboard" she meant I'd been hired to teach.

It's still not real, but like most victories, it's just the beginning. So we'll see what there is in store for me there.

For my part I think I need to take the rest of the afternoon and celebrate my new part time job.

Gin at 3!

Have a good weekend.

Oh ! I almost forgot to post a lovely picture of a lovely man.

I said almost...

the dropped shoe

Well, last week he said I had the opportunity to have this full scale showdown with the enemy within, and I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. And now this...


Rob Brezny's Freewill Astrology horososcope for Gemini this week.

"Reality is that which when you stop believing in it, it doesn't go away," wrote novelist Philip K. Dick. I urge you to apply that benchmark to your own experience in the coming week, Gemini. You can generate a lot of creative energy by figuring out what is objectively true about your circumstances and what is merely illusion that's propped up by misperceptions and misunderstandings. You've got tremendous power to strip away the fantasies, both positive and negative, that are preventing you from living with 100 percent of your intelligence in the real world."

Oh Shit.

So now I have to go out and do research on what's going on in my life and figure out what's what. Swell. Do you have any idea how much energy this takes? I'm 50, can't I just accept a reality that I like and let it go at that?

NO, of course not, I never have before, why should I think I'd change now suddenly.

Where's my Magnifying Glass and my Calabash?

I found money in my bank account this morning that wasn't mine! Does that qualify for a misperception or misunderstanding? Well, actually it IS mine, but I didn't think I owned it anymore. But I do. Am I saving it? Am I paying off a credit card with it? Am I being altruistic with it? Am I fulfilling a need with it?

Nah!

I'm buying art with it. I haven't bought a painting in about three years so I am way overdue. I found some on a website and I think I need one. Actually right now it's between a Frida Kahlo reproduction and an original from this young guy whose art I like.

Someone once said, I forget who, it was probably Confucius:

"If a man has two pennies, with one he should buy a loaf of bread to sustain his life, and with the other he should buy a rose to give him a reason for living."

I need a rose.

I've given up on this guy in Chicago. I am beginning to think I was wrong about him. I now think that not only does he not know the proper words to use in colloqiualisms, but he's functionally illiterate. Today he was discussing something his roommate did and said that for all intensive purposes she was done with her project.

IT'S INTENTS AND PURPOSES YOU MORON!!!

I just give up on this guy, he's hopeless.

As usual, I was supposed to hear from my dept head early this week so I can go talk to the Dean and sign my contract for next semester etc etc.

(crickets chirping)

Nothing. Not a word from this guy. Of course, now I'm paranoid that since I had to leave his show early this weekend because it was interminable and I was meeting people at 10:30, that he may have rethought the whole thing. I know, I know, paranoid...I know it...stop!

The only reason I think this is that the guy who was my LD on the show I directed last winter, who would love to see my vitals on a bed of lettuce, saw me sneaking out the side door. This guy would narc me out in a second.

He seems to think that since my LD (him) was unable to hang and focus lights for my show since he was scheduled to have knee surgery in two days and I was unhappy that I got an LD that wasn't able to actually DO THE JOB that I'm a grinch. I know, I'm unreasonable.

ok, I could go on and on, but I have stuff to do.

go on!

Git!

have a life of your own!

GO!

ok, I was done with you for the day, however, I have a question.


Do you suppose when parents name a child Demonica, that it occurs to them that...

Hostage day

Love this guy. He's probably 90 now if he's still with us. But I see in this photo that he was practicing for his old age with those pants up so high.

I suffered through this morning at work, participating in what I call Hostage day. It's the annual exercise we undertake to impart knowledge to each other, which almost always fails, as it did today. It's the one day we're not allowed to leave the office, and the administration is humorless about the whole thing as usual. It's called Inservice, I think it's indentured servitude. But this afternoon we're allowed to "learn on our own" lol. I'm blogging my little butt off.

In doing so I have discovered that I am a prude. No I never thought of myself as such, and I certainly have spent a lot of time in my life disproving such an idea, however, I find it to be undeniably true. I just stumbled across a site called the 2007 gaybloggies. hmmm.

The nominees were required to divulge a secret about themselves they'd never mentioned on their blogs. AND THEY DID!!! I was appalled. Not at the actual secrets themselves, most of them were pretty harmless, except when Richard Rothstein admitted he managed to lose his connection to comps at Lincoln Center, that was nice and dishy. But the rest. Harumph I say! Either you queens need to get out there and sin correctly, or you need to be more forthcoming when asked a good question. Your confessions were lame! Lame I tell you!

But the lack of depth in the nominees indiscretions aside I find that I am appalled when men my age (50) expose their pubes on the Internet. Or at all in public really. I mean, who wants to see that? Gray-ness. no! not for me. I don't want to even look in the mirror when I am naked and I certainly don't want you showing me yours. If I ask, then that's another matter. If it's unsolicited, you're asking for it.

This all came about when I noticed one of the nominees for a gaybloggie was exposing his own pubes. Well, that's fine, they're his and he's probably all of 25 anyway, he may as well. It seems the genetics of Americans has devolved to the point that all men have in the way of body hair these days is their pubes anyway, that and the inexplicable little wisp below their navels,so they may as well show us their pubic hair. But I am becoming a firm believer in the need for men my age to hold some dignity in this world and I draw the line at the pubis.

This weekend I found an offer from an gay "social networking" site in my email, and I accepted. WHAT WAS I THINKING??? There are extremely good reasons most of these men are single at our age. Most of them have such poor social skills they're not allowed out of the house. This was evidenced by the number of naked shots of men in their 50's. WTF guys?

Yes there are those of us who are blessed by genetics and a good personal trainer. But they are not in the majority. Hell there are men in their 20's and 30's who shouldn't be showing all on the internet. But seniors, though we need to be seen as sexual beings as well, need to find some dignity too. Naked on Manhunt ain't the place boys.

I am in an easy position when it comes to this question. I work in education, and as we all know those of us in education who are found to have naked pics of themselves on the internet aren't in education very long. So the point is moot for me. I may be fool-ish at times, but I am no fool. No naked pics of me for the masses to suffer. I certainly don't need to come to work and find the image of my genitalia has been downloaded by the students. No, I think not.

So, though I am always searching for Mr. Right, and I always welcome Mr. Right now. I'll at least try to keep those things private. Perhaps Gay Senior Citizens Dignity is a website I should start up.

Good luck to all the gaybloggies nominees. Keeping one of these going is quite a job and to be successful at it is really an accomplishment.

running off to join the circus

I wasn't going to post today. I've had quite the busy day at work and all I can think of is my Friday martini. But I just spoke with a friend on the phone and the story he told me is so good I have to share.

He has to attend a party tonight he doesn't really want to go to, but feels obligated. Apparently he is acquainted with a lesbian couple one of whom just discovered her Sapphic origins, and shortly after meeting her newfound love, sold her law practice, and...wait for it...has joined the circus!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the lesbians are running off to join the circus.

I immediately decided that this will be the opening of my autobiography. Our protagonist will be found at the farewell party for the recently lesbianized, Juris Doctore, circus performers, who will now be living in a trailer with about 20 dogs.

My friend said it sounded surreal, confirming my conviction that this MUST be the opening of my book.

Sorry I can't write anymore I just outlined chapter 1.

Have a fabulous weekend!

Love

English, Gay politicians, Historic pictures

As a follow-up to my recent post about education being so ridiculous in this country I'd like to direct you to the blogosphere. Choose the subject of your choice, or better yet, just go to blogger.com and start browsing.

We don't know our own language!

The other day I ran across a blog from this guy in Chicago, and I won't identify him further, actually I shouldn't need to, but in one week he's used at least three colloquialisms that I am pleased he knows. After all he's 28 and he should know them, but what he doesn't know are the correct words to make those colloquialisms work.

For instance, yesterday he was ranting about people talking on their bluetooth headsets while in public men's rooms using the facilities. In the opening he says, that he saddled up to the urinal. He, of course, meant SIDLED, but he doesn't know that! In fact I'd bet he has no idea he used the wrong word, nor that sidled even exists or what it means. (personally I think anyone on a bluetooth headset in the can should meet with the same fate as the guy that Brad Pitt's character, Early Grayce took care of in the men's room in the film Kalifornia. That would be justice, I say!)

The other day I read a comment in a blog from someone who said they were thinking about things in the same matter as the author of the post. This person meant in the same MANNER, but they also obviously don't know that. WTF??? Who is teaching English out there??? I've got a Master's degree and I really want to teach and some dolt who can't get the fundamentals across to their students is holding my job hostage. And we all wonder why people are so stupid when we have the lamest excuses for teachers standing at the front of our classrooms.

I was just wondering yesterday if it really serves us to simply vote for political candidates just because they're gay. I suppose that there will be those who vote for Hillary Clinton because she's a woman, Barack Obama because he's genetically black, and John McCain because they're...well, stupid. But, voting for someone based on that criteria isn't really serving one's purpose, is it? Is it really making an informed decision based on the record and political history of a candidate when one looks at them and makes a decision based on knowing nothing more than "they're like me!" Well, maybe not.

Years ago I came very close to losing a friend over a vote. There was a gay candidate for Mayor in the city where I lived. Personally, I didn't like the guy, I thought he was well, a pompoid, and probably wouldn't have voted for him on that basis alone. However, he misrepresented his views. He told us he would do certain things we all were interested in accomplishing in the particular group I was with at the time. But this was not true. I found out later that this wasn't his intention at all, and his true purpose was to ingratiate himself with the local and regional folks at HRC so he could go to work for them. hmmm. I decided that I wouldn't vote for him.

A friend of mine went ballistic when I told him. How could I not vote for the only gay candidate we've ever had for mayor? "Well, because he's an ass and I don't believe he's going to do anything at all as Mayor, in fact I think he's out to promote himself." That's the best justification I could come up with, and I still think it's valid. The guy, no matter who he screws in private, was planning on screwing me right after securing my vote. So I declined that particular screwing, thanks anyway.

Knowing your candidates is how you make an informed decision. Letting your preconceived notions, your eyes, or your pastor, make those decisions for you...not so much.

Fred McDarrah has died. This is a big deal. He was the photographer for the Village Voice for many years through the 60's and 70's and photographed many of the most important historical moments of the 20th century. He is a legend and I'm sorry to see him go. Hopefully journalism will return to it's proper glory one day and we can finally pay those who did the job well and true the homage they deserve. Go see Fred's photo's. He saw it all and saved it for us to remember. From Stonewall to Mapplethorpe it's a life in pictures that should give you pause.

well...

I was going to post later, but I've had a really rare morning in the blogosphere, so I thought I'd share.

I'm adding two organizations to my annual charitable contributions list, though I'm not sure how that's going to work I already have 12 and one of them gets money each month, so adding more is going to change the formula a bit. I don't really think I'll be adding funds to the formula though. I think I give enough for now. But you should! In fact you should be involved in an organization that does for others in some way. It's good for them, for the community, and you as well. So get on the internet and find something that interests you and volunteer. Almost all of them will take any amount of time you're willing to give. But you really should do it. Give them money too, even $10 is a help. They really do good work. But remember giving to the United Way is in effect giving to the Salvation Army (they're one of the united way orgs)and they're known to turn away gay and lesbian people in need of help. So investigate before you donate. Be sure you're helping the people you want to help and not an organization that is only interested in helping those they think are moral enough to deserve it. I'm adding the "I am Collective" in L.A., it's a start up and I'm still in the investigation stage, so I'll let you know more as I do. It appears though that one of their goals is to mentor gay and lesbian youth. I sure wish I'd had someone to talk to when I was growing up. I always analogize my youth with the description that Ian Mckellan's character, "James Whale" used when describing his youth:

"They (his family) were like a family of farmers who'd been given a giraffe. They didn't know what to do with the damn thing except harness it to the plow."

So if the I Am Collective is going to attempt to unite the gay community globally I am all for it and will support it in any way I can. I bitch and complain about the United States daily,but when I stop to think about it,I realize that there are people being jailed, and beaten and even put to death just for being gay all over the world every day. The people in China standing up to be counted as GLBT citizens are the courageous ones. I'm just a whiner.

I'm also adding the Rainbow World Fund. They're apparently like the gay red cross, how fun is that?

The rare part of the morning was clicking on a link on someone's blog, I forget whose, and finding myself on the jockey underwear website watching people who entered a contest to win 5k for dancing in their underwear. I was speechless. Particularly at the black guy who dances like a white boy,(IN HIS BACKYARD) and the guy with the long hair who thinks bucking his hips is dancing. This is the easiest way to tell a straight boy, they think THAT is dancing. I pity the women in bed and/or on the dance floor with those guys.

The other rare moment was to read about some guys skin care regimen for his face. At first I thought I was finally experiencing the flashback I've waited 30 years for, but no, it was real. Ok, yes, I do have a skin care regimen,(I'm a gay man, hello!) and NO I'm not sharing it with you! If you're interested in that I am really not accomplishing what I set out to do here. But this guy went into detail, I now know what products he uses, where and when he uses them, and what he does to prepare for tomorrow in the event he is out late or at an event that stresses his skin... Seriously.

I've started an email correspondence with this woman in Lima, Peru who is expressing interest in having me come down there and teach a workshop in Theatre. I met her while researching ESL jobs there and suddenly she comes up with this. It's an interesting proposition. My Spanish will have to improve dramatically first though. We'll see. First, New Mexico, then the world...baby steps.

Oh! I forgot to mention Freewill Astrology's Gemini Horoscope this week.

"Do you have a pet pig? (I always know I'm in trouble when he starts off with a line like that)If so, it'll be a good week to imitate what Homer Simpson did in The Simpsons Movie: Hold your animal friend upside-down and help it simulate the act of creeping along the ceiling, all the while singing a "Spiderpig" version of the Spiderman theme song. And if none of that seems meaningful or relevant to you, please at least try to induce a lucid dream of yourself crawling along the inside of the vault in the Sistine Chapel, or hauling your luggage across the underside of a cloud, or gliding as slowly as a sloth out to the end of a big limb on an oak tree. You need action that's simultaneously high up and reversed, Gemini. You've got to be grounded yet rebellious as you soar. Or you need to defy gravity as you take baby steps. Or something like that."

Sometimes it takes all week to figure out what the fuck he's talking about, and by then it's either too late or I'm too tired to care.

I found my friend Joe Grant the horse trainer on the web, that was a happy thing. I emailed to see if we can work together again. He told me he'd teach me what he knows. I'll be lucky if I can figure out any of it, but it'll sure be fun to be working with horses again.

Today was our first morning with temps in the 20's, I'd left the sliding door open in my room and didn't realize the screen was open too. I got up about 6am and shut the door. About ten minutes later the blinds over the door started shaking and I thought, "Did I not get that thing closed all the way?" I got up to close it and that was when this creature darted in front of me at the foot of the bed. This is not the way to start the day. My first thought was "Damnit I've got a mouse. No, that was way too big to be a mouse." (a slight pause to get my wits about me, because screaming like a little girl and dancing around the apt at the very thought of a rat is not very dignified, let alone unwelcome noise for the neighbors to wake to) And then I realized that the blinds were shaking because the cat that is our apartment complex mascot had gotten in and was now trying to get out and was starting to get a little freaky since I'd shut the door. Sneaky bastard. He's outside now I assure you.

For those of you who immediately went to kitty Armageddon, that wasn't the way it went at all. I opened the door and talked nicely until he got the message that it was alright to walk past me and leave, which he did. That was it, so relax.

I learned yesterday that one can chat at work through google. I was working away and saw the little box appear in the bottom corner of my screen that normally signifies I've got an email. However, this time I realized it was my dear friend CC lurking down there in the corner. Yeah! Another device with which to wile away the hours I should be being productive and industrious.

But it truly is productivity time.

Love

I got it!

Last night I was lusting over my potential bike purchase and I had an epiphany. The enemy within post of last week...spending too much money so you can't afford to do the things you want to later, is the answer.

Duh!

I haven't spent too much money yet, but I was on the verge. Plans are being scaled back. It's quite the temptation to buy stuff and not have money later. We all fall for it from time to time. Hopefully I dodged a bullet. I'm sure that's not my only enemy within, but it's the one showing itself for now.

But today I want to complain yet again about organized religion.

I was reading this morning on Proceed at Your Own Risk about organized religions use of scripture to promote hatred and bigotry. Since the dawn of time religion has preyed on the fears and ignorance of man to further their agenda of hate. This is not news. It's simply a byproduct of a lack of education.

Education is thought to be the single most important factor to provide their children with a better life by parents in the United States. It is the single thing most neglected. No music, no history, no arts, no understanding of what has gone on before we were here and a complete repeat is in the offing. It's like the writer's strike hit education hardest.

I was recently listening to a cd of Manhattan Transfer, in which they are performing live. They encourage the audience to clap and dance during Tuxedo Junction. The audience has absolutely no idea what a downbeat is. They're clapping twice as fast as the song is going! We don't even teach our children what a downbeat is, how can we expect them not to repeat history? Yes history is boring, yes, history seems to have little to do with ones actual current existence.

Yes! It informs our decisions and our understanding of who we are as a nation, and how we got here, and how to go forward instead of spiraling ever downward in disastrous circles. How to progress, how to improve as human beings, how to learn to live with each other and celebrate our differences, because with them we all thrive and grow, and without them we all wither from sameness.

Most parents in the United States would pay higher taxes without complaint if their child’s education improved exponentially. But they do pay higher taxes and not only does the education not improve, it degrades!

Every President since Eisenhower has been billed, either through their own political machine, or through the media as the education President. None of them have done this! Not one of them has significantly improved education to a degree that would improve our standing as a literate nation. I say literate, as though that were an acceptable standard. It's pathetic.

No one knows how to construct a sentence, they don't know which words to use to convey their meaning. Then for than, now for know, the list goes on and on.

So if you're trying to promote an agenda of hate and intolerance, (God I hate that word.) ignorance is your friend. You would want people to be ignorant and fearful because that's the way to control them and get them to do your bidding. Make them hate because you're teachings of hatred are the only benevolence they've ever known. Lemmings will do what they're genetically programmed to do, all you have to do is nudge them in the right direction. Hatred derived of religion is making out like a bandit in this country nowadays.

Private education is a dangerous pitfall because the regulation does not restrict teaching hate! A school run by a religious organization can teach that African-Americans are evil because their skin is a different color than ours. That men who love men are evil because they love. That a religion that disagrees with them is evil simply because they disagree. Public education is a good idea in theory, but it's been highjacked by people who can't find the door, let alone a good sentence. Public education panders to the lowest common denominator so there's "no child left behind" (please) and the one's who suffer are those who are intelligent. Those who could and would excel given the opportunity are dragged down to the level of the lowest achiever because that's what the system is geared to do.

It needs to be rethought. It needs to be redesigned. It needs to teach every single child to excel at their own pace and to help them do so. That's the only way to keep the fanatics who teach and practice hate from taking over completely.

I'm going to borrow a quote from Richard Rothstein to finish up because I don't have better words than his today.

"The Evangelicals have forgotten that the great prophets were constantly arguing with God. Moses himself was a cranky old bastard. And sometimes, the prophets even won the argument. So maybe God let them win, but He was reinforcing their obligation to think for themselves. And that is the Judeo-Christian [idea] upon which this nation is based, not blind obedience to tele-evangelists."

Obsession

No I'm not talking about a boat. But that is, I am told, the number one name requested for boats in North America. This obsession however, hits much closer to home. Im talking about bicycles.

This insidious compulsion reared its ugly head in my life some 15 years ago. I was 35 and starting to see that there was some need in my life for physical exertion so I could stay looking as good as possible as long as possible. Yes, this all started out of my own vanity, now WHO is surprised by that? Unfortunately I didn't do my homework and it has taken over my life. Well, not taken over, but it certainly gets a lot of my attention. I am now an endorphin junkie and bikes are my works. God this is better than AA! "Hello, I'm Defective and I'm a bikeaholic." Phew! Thank God that got said.

I wound up in my current situation through circumstance.

Almost three years ago my adoptive father developed pneumonia and spent a few days in hospital (I'm trying out the british slang, I'm not sure I like it)and on his release he was prescribed steroids as part of his recovery regimen. Those who've known him for years as I have, know that steroids are not good for him. They make him a little crazy-er...than...normal. Which is to say he says and does things he lives to regret.

One day I was digging and planting a flower bed in his yard while he watched. He'd been in the house for weeks, it was a nice day and he came outside while I worked and sat with me, telling me all the while how he would have done it better. But he did like the results because,the process overtook his drug hazed mind and he became obsessed,(hmmm) with the notion that I should become a landscaper. This resulted in an immediate offer of $10k to start my own landscaping business.

1.) I know nothing about landscaping. I was just digging a flowerbed.
2.) I have paper thin lilly white skin and have to wear sunscreen #8 to bed. I have no business working outdoors. I was genetically engineered to live in an Irish peat bog.
3.) I have three degrees in the humanities, I am a librarian, I teach college, I have drawers full of awards for my work, what would possess anyone to think I needed to change careers?
4.) Steroids are not this mans friend.


I declined the generous offer to bankroll his idea of what should be my new career. But! I told him, if he really wanted to do something for me, he could pitch in and help me finish paying for the new bike I wanted for my birthday in a couple of months. He agreed.

Ok, I told you that story so I could tell you this one.

As you know, I am 50, and at that time I was just turning 48. So the kid in the bike store was selling some old guy a bike and a slow-ass, clunky, falling apart, always in the shop, hate it with a passion, Trek 1000C was what I wound up with. I will never own another Trek bicycle even if Lance Armstrong comes to my house weekly for the rest of my life and offers me sexual favors as part of the deal.
Not happening!

I have suffered through two seasons with this albatross and I cannot wait to be rid of it. Which brings me back to the obsessive thing I was talking about earlier.

I am looking at new bikes.

To hell with furniture, I want a new bike.

I am looking at a Bianchi. Italian made,cro-moly frame,campangolo components, 120 years in business, excellent ride. I am truly in love. Now in the interest of full disclosure I am looking at the $5000 model. I could, perhaps, be talked into the $2500 model, and will likely, if I buy one at all, wind up with the $1000 model. One must temper desires to the reality of their need to eat and live indoors. I hate that.



Here it is. Can you hear the angels in the background "AAAHHH!" I can.

Pathetic huh?


No I do not like the color, but that's their signature paint job. Little I can do about that.

I'll be drooling over this thing for weeks, I may make this picture my desktop here at work. Here's hoping I have the willpower to save my pennies to get one soon.

Perhaps more later, right now a Monday morning crisis.

No one in my dept showed up this morning and there is a conference in ten minutes that requires internet access and teleconferencing in the computer lab. None of which I have ever set up here. This should be interesting.

Love

parallels

Yesterday Daniel the guy in the Desert blog featured this picture.

His caption was:

"He's not quite gorgeous enough to make me believe, but more than gorgeous enough to make me play along..."



Did you ever believe there was a parallel universe? I think Del is living in mine.


Today is all about organization. And I'm not organized at all. I woke up a little late and I fear the whole day will reflect that.

But I'd be willing to bet that tomorrow the sun rises and the birds chirp.

I noticed this morning that Nancy and George are fighting again. I hope I don't have to separate those two.

They both need to shut the hell up and get to work. There are problems to solve and squabbling like little kids for the cameras doesn't do much for me.

Still looking for ways to overcome apathy and attract actors to my staged reading program here at the library. I think I'll have to go out and beat the bushes a little at first. Next week I think a trip to the commuinity colleges is in order.

I have little planned for the weekend. A little jaunt with my brother to visit my aunt. Then it's ride horses and make pots all weekend. There is a band at the blues club by my apt that I want to hear so that may be where I spend Saturday evening. A couple of weeks ago I went a little crazy and indulged my watch fetish. So I have three watches that need the bands shortened this weekend and that's a project I have to undertake if I have a good eyesight day.

I've noticed recently that the fashion among lots of men is to wear an outrageously expensive watch.

I got no problem with that!

I love watches and since I don't wear any other jewelry it's fun to shop for them. Well, until the credit card bills come anyway.

Last week it was a Seiko, a Swiss Army watch and on a more practical note a Timex. Though I wonder why I bought that one. I can't seem to wear any watch for my daily use except the Swiss Army I've had for several years. It doesn't hurt that the red face and white hands are easy to read.

I do want a Movado and a Tag Heuer though. I'd say if I manage not to indulge the recent fascination I have developed for new furniture I'll get at least one of those for Christmas. I think I may need to stop at like ten or twelve watches. It may be getting our of hand at that point.

New furniture though. That is something I should look at. I've had this stuff for like ten or twelve years and though it's still in good shape. I've spent a lot of hours on that couch and it may just be time to re-think it's place in my life.

Well, the question is decided for now, holiday travel is staring me in the face, so furniture is a moot point. Besides, wasn't I just a while back talking about divesting myself of all those material goods and moving to Santa Fe without encumbrance? I'm sure that was me.

Watches can go in the pocket of a suitcase. Couches take a little more room than that.

Well,like George and Nancy I need to shut the hell up and get to work.

Love

huh?

The silence from my previous post is deafening. I realize that not all of you may be gay, but some of you are. Some of you little kitten lovers, out there who, came to know yourselves late in life, perhaps. Some of you who were married, who can tell tales that would make my hair curl. Which is quite a feat considering how the last 50 years have gone.

But the point of today's post is my puzzlement over my latest horoscope from freewill astrology, and my tarot cards, and all that stuff. I keep getting told that I need to acknowledge the "enemy", or the "demons", or the things in myself that I do not like,to bring them slowly into the light and they will be disarmed.

Huh?

Well, the universe is being pretty obtuse on this one. Either that or I am, because I don't get it. Due to this info I am now questioning if I really am as fine as i think I am.

I mean, I have a good job, that I like, and it's secure. I have another job that starts in January, and it's a part time version of my dream job. In fact there were people in my pottery class who were very excited yesterday when they found out I was going to be an adjunct there. They've always made me feel incredibly welcome, and I'm pleased to know that people find my presence a welcome thing. So I don't think THIS is an area of concern. Lord has his thing made me neurotic or what?

I am still planning on relocating. I do of course need a job before I can do that, and as long as things keep happening here that are positive I'll hang out. I figure sometime in 2008 I'll need to start thinking about an apt an Santa Fe.

I love my apartment. The building and the grounds could stand a little sprucing up, but inside that apartment I am happy as a clam. Particularly since the guy upstairs broke up with his mean girlfriend. She correctly assumed I was the one complaining about her being noisy up there and was doing things to get a rise out of me. Being no rookie at this I let her hang herself with her other neighbors and though she could have fixed the situation without much effort, she chose to leave. WOOHOO!! Silence again! So the home front is golden.

I'm making pots, and that's a big deal to me. I love it. In fact last night I had quite a good night at the studio, I only made a couple of things, but I was very happy with them. I'm not selling much yet, but it's not about that at this point. I'm also setting up a studio in my garage so I can throw more often than once or twice a week until I get better at it.

I ride my bike as much as the weather will allow, and at this point in the year that time is declining, but I will continue to ride until I absolutely can't because of the cold. This keeps me reasonably healthy and lowers stress, so it's a good thing for my physical as well as emotional health. During the winter I'll go to the gym in my apartment complex.

I take three vacations a year, not to mention the fact that my office is closed for ten days over the Christmas and new years holidays and I travel then too. So what's up with this?

Financially, I'm not dancing in the streets, but the bills are paid every month on time and there's plenty left over to pay the housekeeper the laundry service, and to have the car washed weekly, not to mention going out for an evening every week if I have the energy. In fact the last three months I've had some sort of issue that caused me to have to fork over an additional sum I hadn't budgeted for and I've always made it so far, which means I'm puzzled. Savings isn't at the level I'd like, but considering that in many (OK most)years past there was no savings..at all, I can't say this is bad.

I've met and continue to see a guy that I like. We're not in any way a couple, in fact we had the discussion the other day that it's important for us both to remember what this "relationship" is about lest one of us gets confused. But he's fun and I like having him around from time to time. So that area of life is handled for the time being.

Spiritually I spend an hour each day doing yoga and meditating, and that keeps stress levels from getting too high when I find myself obsessing about stuff(like now), again an area I feel is handled.

I take classes, I work an additional part time job. I am trying to renew my contact with a local horse trainer so I can learn about that and ride horses too. I see my friends at least once a week, or they'd mutiny. I can't see all of them as often as I'd like, but I talk to one on the phone at work at least once a week, and I see others for brunch on Sunday, or lunch on Saturday. I email, talk on the phone with and spend a lot of Saturday mornings with my brother, my only relative as far as I am concerned. I go to the theatre, the symphony, and fundraising stuff as often as possible not only so I can participate in the community, but also to be around people. I don't much like them(people in general), but I am told it's a good idea to talk to them sometimes. So I do.

I volunteer with the a local organization that helps people of low incomes to keep up their houses and do minor repair work for them. I've been asked to be a participant in a local program on our NPR station about nonfiction books, so if that comes to pass I'll be involved in that as well.

From time to time I find that I think, in disparaging terms about my former family, and the terrible things they've done to me. But our estrangement has only come about in the last year, so I think it'll take some time before I get to the point I don't dream about seeing them boiling in oil on my balcony. I suppose that could be considered to be a thing of darkness that I need to bring into the light, but I think of it as being human and dealing with massive hurt from people I trusted and tried to help. So I think I'm allowed to fantasize about them being characters in SawIV. I'll get over it. The longer I don't see them, the better it'll get.

I'm about to lose the last of my adoptive mother's siblings. Dorothy is 81 and has found out her colon cancer has returned and it appears her time is short. I'm very very sorry to hear it, but Dorothy has literally outlived two of her children, both of her husbands, her parents, all of her siblings, and a couple of her nephews! She has had a hell of a run! Yes, she's had her share of tragedy, losing two children who were still in diapers within two years of each other, and losing her first husband at 42. But she's also spent over 30 years with the love of her life, raised and cared for a son who is developmentally disabled, who survives at 60 very well thank you, and she's traveled to Hawaii, the only place to go according to her, over 26 times. She's enjoyed her life more than all of her siblings put together. I will miss Dorothy, and I love her, but she's had a good long run and I can't see her going out with many regrets, she's not the type. And I don't look at death as a bad thing. It's part of life, we all have to do it, we all come to an end, and we all better make the best of the time we have here like she did. So I don't really see this as one of the "dark" things I need to pay attention to.

All in all I guess I just have to wait and see what my horoscope is talking about. I think I live a full and rewarding life. I could stand to have a man to share it with, but there isn't a store to go to to select a man off the rack. So on that score I have to just live my life and if I run across him that's great, if not I can't sit around waiting for him, there's too much to do in this life.


I try to be respectful of others,I try to stay of of others business, particularly since I got plenty of my own. And though I will no longer be a caregiver..to anyone, I do my best to empathise with people throughout my day. I don't think I hold any malice or ill will toward others, well, a little here and there, but not enough to spend a lot of time and energy on. I'm sure there are those who wish me ill, but that's not my problem it's theirs. I think the worst I get in a normal day is to hope that someone will get a ticket for tailgating me so I can gloat while they do. I think that's pretty normal. Basically I have no idea what this horoscope thing is talking about so...

The mystery will continue.


Oh! I'm learning Spanish too! Buenos Dias, mi amigos!