long time no see

It's been almost 5 years since I posted here

since I lost my brother I didn't really feel like
blogging anymore
it went out of fashion
all my favorite bloggers stopped blogging
and everyone started vlogging
and being themselves
no more fiction
reality tv work doesn't do much for me
also in that time
I lost the love of my life

My husband
Erick Butler died of cancer
December 18, 2015.

Erick Butler loved me

He told me so.

Our relationship could best be described

With the tritest of cliches

Opposites attract.

I am an introverted homebody

Who wants nothing more than to go

Home at 9 o'clock.

Of course, that's when Erick was just 

Getting started;

Youth, impetuousness, and wanderlust 

Conspired to send us our separate ways.

But I thought of him from time  to time;

And one day Phoebe Snow died.

I was reminded of a concert of hers

We went to at the Lyric theatre

We held hands

The people around us were scandalized.

So I looked him up on Facebook and 

We reconnected

These past few months I knew the time 

Was short

If I wanted to be with him it was now.

The evenings we spent

I didn't want them to end.

We talked about everything

And nothing.

One night as I was helping him

From his chair

He took my face in his hands

I love you Sean

I always have.

And I was done for once again

Erick Butler loved me.

He told me so.

I lost 2016 to the grief
and still, he haunts me
he likely always will
but I can't go making videos about that
so no youtube for me
no
true confessions
nope
I just came back to say hi
and hear the echo

I miss him.

And so it goes

Charles D Hyland was my big brother

My brother died unexpectedly last Wednesday and this Wednesday is his memorial service.  I will be attending and this is what I will say:

When I was putting together the music for this evening I had that worry we all have about losing files and so it's saved on my phone my ipod all my computers, it's even in my email. And to test it when it was done I put the Ipod in the car and went for a drive. One of the first songs to come up was California dreamin. I distinctly remember,  I was probably about ten when Chuck had his 1947 Pontiac Silver Streak, and we'd go riding around listening to albums on his portable record player that he'd perch on the front seat on a pillow. And one of those days we listened to that album. I can still see that record player sitting there on that pillow. There'll be many more moments I remember like that for the rest of my life I hope, and God knows there are many stories to tell.

As most of you know I am not biologically a Hyland. I have all the neuroses and tics one gets from just being in the room with their family no matter the origin and I added a few of my own just in case.

But whatever the circumstance that brought me to those people it came with a stroke of great good fortune. My brother.

As we all have there have times in my life when I believed in myself not at all. I had no confidence in my abilities, my talents, my intelligence, my worth in any way. But there was always one person to whom I could go who just because he was who he was I could get my self-confidence restored. Cause my big brother believed in me even when I didn't. Chuck wasn't the most demonstrative person in the world, but if I listened...I knew.

So y'all can have your biological Brothers older or younger. But I have a bit of bad news for you. The best one is spoken for.

Living up to high praise

"I know we've thrown you into the deep end on your first week.  But I also know you can swim."

Nice to hear from your new boss, but living up to it when I'm not feeling ready...yikes.

My immediate supervisor has departed as of yesterday afternoon for the holidays, meaning she won't be back until the 3rd.  I have two more days until I leave for the holidays and I'll be gone until the 3rd as well.  After that, I'm in the hot seat.

I have to learn three new suites of software and develop and prepare training materials for about 155 hard-boiled school librarians who'll be tapping their toes at me come early January. 

oy!

I can't tell you how much fun I'm havng!

And so it goes.

And to back up my contention here's proof

"I am Adam Lanza's mother"  is a blog post on a blog titled Blue Review. 

It addresses some of the very real and frightening concerns that a mother of a mentally ill young boy deals with every single day.  And without getting him charged with a crime there's no way she can get as much help as she needs. 

How can we think this is right?  We have to reverse the absurd policies created by the draconian Reagan administration and return some order to the mental health profession. 

Go read this for yourself:

http://thebluereview.org/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother/

And so it goes.

Lay the blame where it belongs

Adam Lanza was sick. And someone knew it long before yesterday when we all found out in a horrific manner. Why didn't they do something? What could they do? How could this have been prevented?

 Well, if we had a time machine and could go back and remove Ronald Reagan as President many of these tragedies could have been prevented. I've said many times here that he single-handedly murdered America and he's still doing it. Back in the day we spent the necessary money to provide places to house the mentally ill and they were kept a safe distance away from us. But then Ronald Reagan thought, "That's too much money to spend on crazy people."

 So he just cut the funding sent them out in the streets and created the homeless problem we've been dealing with ever since,increased Emergency room visits for mental health issues, and sadly created the environment in which the Adam Lanza's of this world are allowed to go unchecked and untreated, which killed a lot of kids yesterday.

 Do I think we should go back to the days of Willowbrook? of course not. But there are things we can do.

Yes, we can have better gun control laws, but it appears that the guns Adam Lanza used weren't illegal. It seems Mommie Dearest bought them legally and Adam simply had access to them cause he lived with her. So though I agree we need to have better gun control laws and more thorough background checks we'll never,in this culture of guns penetrate the veil that exists within our society regarding them. It exists and we'll have it always. Let's learn to control it instead of allowing one group with enormous lobbying power and control to run the country on this issue.

But back to the matter at hand. Let's also take care of our own. If we accepted the responsibility to provide care for Adam Lanza and his mother, both of whom obviously needed help, we'd be a far more caring and certainly safe society. Certainly the brother and the father knew something was amiss at that house. It was their responsibility to speak up and see to it that they got help. There are many more victims here than just those poor children who died in such a pointless massacre.

 So let's start accepting the responsibility that Reagan abdicated so glibly. Let's take care of each other, and see to it that we save as many Adam Lanza's as possible so we don't have to protect the children from our own.

And so it goes.

You're never too old to learn

ok, so i'm back...we'll see how long this lasts. In that whole circle of life thing, I've lost a job, not much of a job, but a job nonetheless. But in the process I've gained another. Or should I say regained. Way Way Way back in this blog you will find a post, likely several, about me losing a job by way of economic downturn. I got it back. Like two days after I lost my job I emailed my former boss at the library to network. Long story short, to borrow a phrase, The job she intended for me to have four years ago had finally been created and was available. She urged me to apply and the rest as they say is history. I start in ten days. Needless to say I've been completely self[involved this last ninety days. All I've thought about is me, how am I going to make it through til a new job comes along? How am i going to pay the bills? How am I going to eat? Blah Blah Blah. Of course, the bills got paid, food was on the table, and I'm still here. Such drama. I have however had occasion to reflect on the nature of friendship. People as we know have an infinite capacity to disappoint. They have not failed me yet again. A woman whom I went to a great deal of trouble for, i.e. I got her a job at a time when she was not only about to lose her car, but desperate just to eat regularly demonstrated her true character. After I had gone to this trouble to get her a job and subsequently and unrelatedly lost my own, she went about telling all and sundry gory details about my termination. This was not particularly dismaying, i never counted this woman among my friends, she was an acquaintance and I only got her the job because I felt some compassion for another person in need, who was in a situation she couldn't dcontrol without some help. And no one was helping...now I see why. But what was dismaying was that people who call themselves my friends did listen. They sat mute while these tales were told and didn't challenge this woman. They didn't stop her and tell her that not only was this inappropriate to come to them and tell these tales, but that she was being a complete cunt for doing it after what I had done for her. They did none of this. They did, however, tell me all about it. Now, history has borne out the fact that I am a particularly bad judge of character. If you're the type of person who'll stab me in the back in the middle of the town square, I usually take right to you. If you're a mean abusive son of a bitch who appears to be a lamb in public I will embrace you. In other words I am a dummy when it comes to people. This however, has given me pause to re-evaluate the position that certain people hold in my life, and whether they deserve it. They decidedly do not. So they'll become history. I'm not having any big scenes, I'm not having any long discussions about who did what and to whom and how it felt. people are who they are and they're not gonna change just because I want them to. But I do not have to subject myself to them. All this having been said and done, I have not mentioned that I actually do have good friends. Some are recent developments. Some have been around a while and just proved their mettle, but they're good friends nonetheless. Two in particular have seen to it that I've had positive support and contact that reaffirmed my worth in their eyes. It's been an invaluable resource. So thanks to them and fare well to fair weather friends. It's nigh on to time I sent them packing. new leaves and all that. And so it goes.

The cynic in me gets yet another boost

President Barack Obama endorses  marriage...do I yawn or say "It's about fucking time?"

Dick Cheney got a new heart yesterday

Insert joke here.

And another one bites the dust

Bob Green, a onetime radio DJ who married pop singer and Miss Oklahoma Anita Bryant, was found dead Jan. 26 at his home in Miami Beach. He was 80. Mr. Green managed his wife’s rise to stardom as an entertainer and Florida citrus spokeswoman, then followed her into anti-gay activism, which ultimately destroyed their careers — and marriage in 1980. For more than 30 years, Mr. Green lived quietly, alone and resentful.
I wonder if Anita will attend?

Homecoming

a pause

on haitus...