The soul has greater need of the ideal than the real for it is by the real that we exist, it is by the ideal that we live

Monday, November 15, 2010

knowing when to step back

People are odd about their losses.  They say they'll do one thing and then they do another.  I should have been expecting the resistance I got from my friends over the idea that I wouldn't attend the funeral, and yet I wasn't expecting it at all.

I was there when my adoptive father died, I made his funeral arrangements and I was there yesterday to be sure everything was as we specified prior to anyone else arriving.  That's enough I think. perhaps I will stop by and say farewell after everyone has gone.  

BTW the funeral starts in 30 minutes and I will not be in attendance. 

But I listened.  I sat patiently Friday night and listened to what my friends, particularly my best friend had to say about the idea that I needed to go to this funeral. And then I tried my best to formulate a coherent response.

It was pretty much as follows:

There are things in life about which you and only you know the truth. If there are others involved it's unlikely they'll ever be convinced of the truth because, at least in my case they do not live in a reality where truth exists other than the truth in their deluded heads.   So to take the dignity away from anyone, whether I care for them or not that is their right at their own funeral by attending and engaging the insane behaviors that will surely ensue is wrong.

Further, every sentence my friends uttered contained the words winning, and embarrassment, and conquer.  This also requires an emotional investment which I am not willing to make in people who would do to me what these people have already demonstrated they are willing to do.

I know the truth, I know what got said by whom and how it felt.  I know what was done to me and what the motivations were.  I know that none of these people are capable of actually loving something/someone  that doesn't appear in the mirror.  I know I want nothing to do with any of them. 

This, I suppose is my time to say goodbye.  To wish them well and to wish that for myself as well.  

And so it goes:

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