The soul has greater need of the ideal than the real for it is by the real that we exist, it is by the ideal that we live

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Why? Why?? WHY???

Do you ever wonder why things happen in a certain way at a certain time? Is the universe trying to tell you something? Is it trying to prepare you for something?

Well, here I am in the throes of planning my permanent departure from this city to a place I intend to stay forever, and suddenly the dam breaks and opportunities suddently rear their glorious heads.

I've been offerd an adjunct teaching job, which I've been seeking for over four years, and last month I was asked to develop a staged reading of a book for the youth services department at the library where I work. In a meeting today I find out it's possible that this could become my job here at this particular organization should I choose to develop it.

DAMN IT!!!

Now I have to make decisions. I hate decisions. It's so much easier to let the universe dictate your actions and live accordingly. It's less predictable and certainly less secure, but it takes all the guesswork out of it if you're just reacting to circumstances. That appears not to be an option I can exercise at this point in my life. I hate that. I'm being ironical of course, I love the possibilities that are presenting themselves and I love the idea that I have options and can choose what I want to do and how to make it happen. I feel very fortunate.

I do however still want to move to Santa Fe and get started there, but of course that little voice says to me, "What if this new stuff is all about developing possibilities that you can then use to your advantage to sell yourself to Santa Fe? What if this is going to lead you to a place where you actually can live in Santa Fe, AND teach part of the year in South America like you want to? What if this is a path you've been trying to open up for a long time and paying it it's proper due is going to pay off for you in the long run? What if you wind up staying here and developing a successful program that includes education, theatre, teaching, and some of the other things that you're passionate about?" I wish that little voice would shut the hell up.

See, I was all prepared to blog about the Prime Minister of Cambodia and what a fool he is for cutting off his adopted lesbian daughter,(hmm sounds familiar)and then saying that homosexuals can't help it if they're born that way. I suddenly felt as if I had a disability. Does this mean I can park near the door now? Idiot.

Is the concept of unconditional love impossible to grasp? Can someone not just love their child and accept who they are? Do they have do demonstrate their displeasure by withholding material goods from that child? Is that what they're all about? I'm sure this woman talked to her father in people, and he talked back in material goods, I can guarantee it. People like him are universally hung up about stuff,not people, stuff, believe me I know firsthand.

I truly wanted to rave about this moron, but now I have to be neurotic about all this other stuff. What to do, what to do.

I think I can do both.