The soul has greater need of the ideal than the real for it is by the real that we exist, it is by the ideal that we live

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The waiting is the hardest part...

I don't think I've ever quoted a song lyric in a blog post title, since I consider that to be someone else's province and I try not to steal from other bloggers, but today this lyric seems the most appropriate thing I can use to convey the mood of the day. So I hope Bigg doesn't mind the borrowing.

My boss was just in here and told me that at 3:50(?) I'll be taking that long walk with her up to the office of doom. (update:1:10 p.m. my demise was rescheduled to 4:15. un-believable.)

Actually her arrival was preceded immediately by my discovery that all my email folders had been emptied after I left yesterday. I knew they wouldn't be subtle.

I'd planned to go home this afternoon after it was all over and take a nap and relax the rest of the day. BUT! That was based on the assumption that they'd do this in the a.m., not foolishly think I'd sit here and provide them with another day's work, which I will not.

I'm catching up on reading and making phone calls, and basically doing, without the nap, what I'd be doing if I'd been allowed the humane option of getting the fuck out of here earlier.

But they're pulling the strings, and I was assured that as of July 1, I'd be notified of the "extras" I'll be getting that others won't. I have this feeling that my boss kinda went an extra mile to get me at least something. I won't know what for a while yet, but it'll be interesting to find out.

Anyway, today's the day.

I'm feeling apprehensive, yet I'm feeling a little giddy too. Life ain't over til it's over I guess, cause I see all kinds of possibilities in front of me. I know that the economy is conspiring against me as well as millions of others and that's a true fucking drag, if you'll allow the aged phrasing, but it's the way it is. There'll be sacrifices, there'll be things and people lost that I have no way of replacing, but something new is coming in their place. And strangely all this feels right.

Catch me in about 90 days when the money runs out and I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune altogether, but today I just feel that it's past time to put this place behind me, and that all my kvetching about it these past 513 posts (I missed my 500th post FUCK!) since August of 2007 have been me yelling at the Universe "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Alas, it seems the universe has been listening.

I doubt I'll be stopping with the blogging though. This blog has been the best therapy for me these past two years I could have imagined. It helped me work through all that horrible stuff that went on with my purported family, and in many ways kept me sane for the longest time. So when the separation anxiety starts I'm betting that it's there for me again. Gotta cope the best we can I guess.

I keep coming back to this, but I'm getting these vibes that somethings coming for me, and it's something good this time. When it's something bad I get this feeling that,as I've said many times, "something is hurtling through the universe directly at me," but not this time. I think I may just have reached a point where I can do the things I really want to do, cause it appears the things I've always dreamed of are going to come to me later in life, which is fine as long as they come.

I've dreamed and planned and...well...plotted too, but I think I had a very long learning curve when it comes to life, which may be a good thing. Someone like me would have gotten interminably bored real quick if things had come to me easily.

So here goes, like the fool in the tarot card I'm stepping off into space with only the baggage necessary to make the journey. Certain that I can make it all work out alright. The fool is given the number 0 to signify the beginning...I think that's exactly what this is.


Send good thoughts out there to the universe for me.

A traveling morsel seems appropriate today:

Love

I'm figure if I'm going to steal from the best I should steal the whole enchilada-

Title lyric from "The Waiting" by Tom Petty.