The soul has greater need of the ideal than the real for it is by the real that we exist, it is by the ideal that we live

Friday, January 15, 2010

I'm drawn to those that ain't afraid...

Nothing untoward has occurred this week. Let me say that first.

I think it's the mid-winter doldrums that I've been experiencing. That and boredom since school doesn't start until next week, and I've got cabin fever.

But I think I've come to a realization. Higher education is not about free thinking at all! It's about not making waves, about not causing any trouble for one's "superiors," about doing what you do as quietly as possible so as not to draw attention to oneself.

There's been nothing to do these past three weeks but sit around and think. Which is always a danger when one is dealing with a person of higher than average IQ. They love what's happening at first, then they get bored, then they start to plot. I never got to plotting...well not yet anyway.

But it's come to my attention ever so slowly, since I always think everyone is the same person everywhere they go as am I, that it's a myth that college is about learning to think freely. Alas, nothing could be further from the truth.

It's been said, more than once, that I should teach Confrontation 101, that I am who I am wherever I am and no matter who I'm with.

The folks I've met in higher education seem to never find a problem they can't avoid, they seem to need to put a good face on things no matter what the situation. I want to deal with a problem head on, get it solved and move on. I want to look at things realistically and provide solutions. They want to produce Gurney, I want to direct Marber. The pieces don't fit.

I think I've found the secret password to getting a job in higher education and I don't think it's what I wanted it to be in my romantic fantasies. Pity.

I'd be sad if I didn't feel so free suddenly. I'd be angry if I didn't value my education for itself. I'd be depressed if i thought there was nothing else in life. Lucky for me I know none of those things are true.

One of my professors from grad school, an old friend, hadn't sent a letter of rec to a school I applied for in September. I emailed and asked him to do so and he said he would. He didn't. Now, in his defense he's a procrastinator,(part of his charm) he also knows I had no interest in going to the state this school was in because he knows me,(dammit) and he's never been less than enthusiastically supportive, so I have no reason to think he was hedging his bets suddenly.

But for the briefest of moments I did.

And it was during that moment when the light bulb went on over my head, when I realized what I had missed all this time I've wasted thinking that a job in higher ed was going to solve all my problems.

I realized that it's not the answer at all.

I am not known for playing well with others, and there's no reason to think at my advanced age that I'll suddenly find some love for people in general that heretofore hadn't existed.

So, though I'll keep an eye open for a good situation at a school that really does want free thinkers who want to make good theater, I'm casting the net wider.

Fortunately I'm in a comfortable position that I can work from until I find a situation better suited to me.

Oh, thank the Gods, it's like a giant weight has been lifted. Realization is a very cool thing,even if one doesn't realize good things, knowing the truth is always best.

See! Further evidence I don't belong in higher education.

And so it goes:






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