The soul has greater need of the ideal than the real for it is by the real that we exist, it is by the ideal that we live

Thursday, April 3, 2008

conundrums quandaries, and confusions

I just read a letter from my friend CC to his mom which he posted on his myspace page. It isn't good. I think the smog is getting to him. Either that or it's all those homosexual neighbors in West Hollywood. Can't really tell which, but those two things can really do in a boy from Big Stone Gap, VA. They may have finished off the few brain cells he had left before the 2 years probation tour started. Alas, Poor CC...I knew him.

I need to move. I need to get the hell out of this shithole and go elsewhere. There are several problems with this line of thinking.

The first is that I have everything I want right here. Well ok, not a man, but most of those are disposable anyway. But I have this job, that though mind numbing, is so ridiculously, um, how did CC put it? Oh yes, chushy. Yes, it's cushy. And that is likely bad for moving. I'd really need a new cushy job to replace it.

I have great bike trails to ride that are safe, well kept, and at the right time of day almost empty. The best one, which I want to live near, is 33 miles out and back, which is a great ride.

I have horses to ride and unbelievable places to ride them. There are over 50 miles of trails to ride at the stables I use and more than that when you add up all the little trails no one keeps up with. You can go "off-roading" with your horse and spend hours doing it.

I have a great little apartment. I hate my upstairs neighbor though. If I knew he was dead up there I don't think I'd tell anyone until he started to smell so I could enjoy the peace and quiet for a few days. That's how much I dislike this guy.

A lot of my friends are here, they love me and leave me alone for the most part, which proves they love me as far as I am concerned.

I'm making a lot of pottery, but I don't have a really good teacher yet. There are phases that I am going through and I hate all of them. I need someone to sit with me and say, "Oh, stop that! You're fucking up that pot cause you're not paying attention so stop it." This would not help most people. It would improve my work immensely.

I'm teaching, at least for now. Sadly, I love teaching. I say sadly because I never seem to find a job doing it all the time, no idea why. It's that job I'd do for free. Which is probably not the thing to tell potential employers, though I'd tell them that if they asked. They never do. I'm not listed on the schedule for the fall at the college I am at currently, but he thinks I'm going to be elsewhere teaching and I hope he's right. In the event he's not right I'm going to put in a plug for next semester when I'm at his show this weekend.

I have a...well...hmm...how do I classify Mike. I abhor certain terms that I refuse to employ, and I can't imagine there's any risk of him mistaking his role in our relationship so let's just say we keep each other sane and leave it at that. It's very handy.

I'm apparently getting more and more credit worthy (Which I could do without)cause I got people calling on the phone asking me if I want their credit cards. It's insane! No wonder there's a credit crunch in this country. If this is how they give it away it's obvious what happened. I got two calls last night alone! The only thing I want to buy on time is a house. Well, actually a condo. I don't want to own an actual building, just part of one. Other than that I do not want credit cards, they're scary. Especially when one is depressed, or rebellious, or hungry, or anywhere near a store of any kind.

I'm not traveling as much as I'd like, but that's as much out of laziness as anything else. I could go on a littler weekender every couple of months and two or three big ones every year if I wanted. It's just a lot of effort and I haven't wanted to bad enough I guess. Really I've been holding off on the travel until I got moved out of here.

I truth I just want to go sit down somewhere and get a job and stay. I'm tired of dragging all this shit from pillar to post and I want to go do things and not worry about all my stuff.

So as you can see I have to re-establish myself elsewhere so when I do move, there isn't that phase where I go insane trying to do the things I love. Maybe the best plan is to choose a place and start networking there. That way I can use my travel budget and vacation to get hooked-up, as it were, in the new place. Oh hell, now I'm being practical! I'm going back to bed.