The soul has greater need of the ideal than the real for it is by the real that we exist, it is by the ideal that we live

Monday, August 6, 2007

now about me

On a more personal note I wanted to borrow a phrase I thought of this weekend. It's from Postcards From the Edge.

The guy who is legally my father, not the real one, has always wanted me to do well...but not better.

Actually, that's paraphrasing, but you get the picture.

Ok, now for the explanation. I was adopted as an infant. Apparently I was conceived at a drive-in movie by two teenagers in Kansas City, Kansas in the fall of 1956. I know her name,(Joann Taylor) and though I have been told I've met her, I'm sure it was when I was very small as I don't remember.

All I know about my biological father is his first name, Doug. I also think he was from Independence Mo. That's it! That's all I know about my own history. There is a certain freedom in that, and imprisonment as well. I can become, from this point on, whoever I want to be, but at the same time I'd kind of like to be who I should be. Doug and Joanne's son.

They're both well into their 60's and should be able to handle whatever life throws at them by now. And it's not like they don't know I'm out there. So should that bastard that's on my birth certificate expire in the next couple of years, and should Doug and Joanne still be alive. I'm planning to look them up. We'll see if the courts will let me do that or not. In Missouri, where the adoption took place, it requires the permission of the adoptive parents if they're alive. And that SOB of mine wouldn't allow it if for no other reason than it's something I want, so I have time I think, I can wait til he's dead.

I've spent 50 years apologizing for my existence to whoever would listen...and there has been no shortage of audience. But now I'm through. The people who have purportedly been my family all my life have succeeded in accomplishing nothing but tearing me down at every turn, making me hate myself and telling me I was as worthless as they. I'm done with that finally. There will be no more apologizing. I hope I don't burn too many bridges on the way out, I'm sure there are some I'd like to cross again.

But the one leading back to the bosom of the family that has done nothing but begrudge me every success, every ounce of progress, every meal I was fed, and every night I spent under their roofs, is not one I care to tread again. My conscience as a member of that tribe is sterling, so no matter what they say, no matter what they do, no matter what heinous, egregious, defaming, lies they throw out there to the universe about me, I can take it. Because no matter the outcome, I know the truth. I can look in the mirror every morning and see a whole person who made it this far against all the odds, and against a bunch of people trying their damnedest to prevent it.

I got this far, I can get the rest of the way. I just have to be careful not to let my dislike of those people eat me up inside.

never say never

I know I said I wanted to devote this blog to discussing my self-hatred issues, but apparently it can't just be about me cause I'm pissed.

How is it possible that Dennis Moore, the oh so self-absorbed, I-could-care-less-about-my-constituents, Representative from Kansas, be one of the few who voted against gutting FISA this weekend? Did EVERYONE need to go on vacation so bad that they were willing to just ignore the constitution and yet again give that son of a bitch George Bush exactly what he wanted? There is simply no hope for the next few years, I swear it.

Bush and his ilk are going to sell this country off in pieces like a failing business that is only worth the parts, not the sum. And we have no one to protect us from it. What a shame that this country which was once so great and proud is going to go out with not so much as a whimper.

We're privatizing the roads, we're selling our souls for oil, we're handing over our civil liberties, and the democrats are helping the proccess right along thank you very much. I cannot vote for another year, and I have no idea who I'd vote for anyway. There is no major party worth my time and there is no interest in supporting a new party that could conceivably carry someone worthwhile to the White House.

Perhaps it really is time to look elsewhere for living quarters. I'd love to spend the rest of my life splitting my time between Santa Fe and San Francisco, but I may wind up living in another country alotgether. This one certainly holds promise only for those willing to give up everything their forefathers fought for, and I'm not among those willing to do so.

When the people finally realize what's going on and try to do something about it, it'll be too late. The United States of America will be done, and at our own hand. George Bush may be a son of a bitch, but he's the instrument we've used to beget our own destruction.

It's the mark of the stupidity I've railed at all my life taking its ultimate toll. The disintegration of a society. Unfortunately it's our own.