The soul has greater need of the ideal than the real for it is by the real that we exist, it is by the ideal that we live

Friday, July 15, 2011

learning to live with disappoitnment

One would think that after these many centuries I have lived that I wouldn't be a stranger to disappointment, and technically I'm not.

Most of the people I've known in my life have managed to accomplish the feat of disappointing me.  Today wasn't a particularly momentous day in the disappointment  category, but it provided food for thought.

Perhaps it's the full moon, perhaps it's just that I'm tired and when I'm tired I see trouble where none exists.  But I do have cause to reflect on a conversation I had with a friend over a decade ago.  During that conversation he said, " Sean, it's time for me to stand still, but I think it's time for you to start moving."

And move I did.  I went back to school, I continued on to grad school, and then I met E.  Thinking I was on the road to settling down, I moved to a place I really didn't want to live to be with him and shortly thereafter found out it was a mistake.  Since then I've been scattered, I've been  quite literally at sixes and sevens  almost all the time.

Everything I've tried has either been temporary or has passed once it's time had gone.  Now I think it might be time for moving on again.

I'm about to be in a position to do so. There are things I want to see, places I want to go, and things I want to do.  Do I do that?  Do I just forsake material goods and take off?  Do I take the risk of looking at the world and seeing if there's a different place in it for me?  Maybe.

There's no reason I can think of to stay here.  There's no career move to make, no particular person to be here for.  No responsibilities that a little cash can't stave off.

The universe is conspiring against me in the house buying department., the employment situation doesn't seem to get better it gets worse.  And interpersonal relationships...well, let's just call them the leading source of disappointment.

This time next month I could be anywhere else, literally anywhere.  The full moon isn't helping the situation any.  Neither is the news that a co-worker  who never smoked a day in her life is about to die from lung cancer.

It's just too short, and sitting here waiting for something to happen...well it's not enough.

And so it goes:

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