The soul has greater need of the ideal than the real for it is by the real that we exist, it is by the ideal that we live

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Thick Plottens

I sent her a letter. I know, it was a chickenshit way out, but I just cannot pick up the phone and potentially disrupt someone's life like that, can't do it.

No response yet. And after yesterday's little conversation with my brother I may not want to have that conversation.

I have to say here that this entire fucked-up family told lie after lie to cover up this dirty little secret and I may never actually uncover the truth. So what my brother thinks he knows, though it may be the truth as he knows it, doesn't jibe with what I've learned over the years. And GOD I hope he's wrong.

You may have read here in older posts about my cousin Bob, with whom I became very close the last 20 years of his life. He was the second generation of gay men in the family and we bonded when I was in my late teens. At that time he lived out of state and after he returned we spent many hours hanging out together. It's possible that he was my uncle, but as I said I doubt that. Besides I have a hard time believing that he would die without telling me. If he did he'd better expect to get exhumed so I can tell him off.

Yesterday I had this little minor medical procedure and someone had to pick me up after, so I called my brother. During lunch I told him about my little adventure into the deep throat world of adoption searches and he told me the version he'd always heard was that Bob's older brother Bill was my father.

This would suck on many levels, the most immediate being that the bastard is dead so I cannot tell him what a fuck he is. He looked me in the eye many times, and never to acknowledge who he was to me is potentially...well, as shitty as it gets, but as I said it doesn't make sense with my evidence, so I'm holding out hope that this story is wrong.

There is compelling evidence that my brother is just another victim of the incredible lengths the family went to in concealing my adoption. So I have to wait to see if this woman calls or writes and if she does, what gets said. See, this is why I hate drama.

And this family "just can't understand" why I won't have anything to do with them anymore.

I'm just mean I guess.

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